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| ‘Sleepovers’ With My 9-Year-Old Daughter
By Amy Arndt
October 7, 2012 8:00 am
October 7, 2012 8:00 am
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When I was in high school in the late ’80s, I took a job baby-sitting for a single mother with a 9-year-old boy. I didn’t know the family well. The father was absent from the situation, and the mother
appeared overwhelmed. The kid ran the show, and he got what he wanted by throwing fits, stomping his feet and pouting. The mother doted on her son, and spoke to him in a syrupy baby talk that made my skin crawl.
On my first day on the job, the mother took me on a tour of the house. When we got to her bedroom, the bed was unmade on both sides, and we stood there uncomfortably while I cringed at the thought that this rather unpleasant
woman had not slept alone. After a moment of silence, the mother shrugged apologetically and fessed up: her sleeping companion was her son. Given that I was a teenager and felt I was an expert on child psychology,
I quickly determined that the child’s behavioral problems were linked to the fact that he still slept with his mother.
Some 25 years later, I’m married with two teenage stepchildren and a 9-year old daughter. Because of our unique situation (five people in a three-bedroom home, custody schedules, etc.), the sleeping arrangements
can get quite creative. Yet one thing remains consistent: on Tuesday nights, my husband sleeps on the couch in the living room, and my 9-year-old daughter sleeps with me.
Confessing this publicly is not easy, because I’m a highly opinionated woman who has been known to change her mind on a variety of issues. Before the birth of my daughter, I bragged endlessly about my plans to
breastfeed. Yet despite a large investment in a private lactation consultant and a breast pump that rivaled a Dyson DC41 Animal, I produced about four drops of milk. As soon as I cracked open the first can of formula,
I shut my mouth and got back to taking care of business, and life was better for all of us, most important, our infant.
So despite the fact that I once thought that a 9-year-old sleeping with a parent was a terrible idea, I have to eat my words. I don’t know exactly how the Tuesday night sleepovers started, but it’s one
of my favorite nights of the week. I work full time, and this is time I spend catching up with my daughter. We hop in bed, talk about our days, watch lousy TV and cuddle.
Unlike the conversations in the car, where I’m distracted or stressed, or the big family dinners, when everyone talks at the same time, our sleepover nights allow for uninterrupted time to tackle the Big Questions
of Life. I’ll hear about problems at school, answer questions on religion, and attempt to explain puberty without sounding like a seventh-grade health teacher. Most of these nights, my daughter asks me to
sing her to sleep, and I bask in the glory that at this point in her life, she still thinks I can sing like Adele.
Take an informal poll of other parents, and you may discover that unique sleeping arrangements are not unusual. Several single, divorced mothers have confessed to me that they let their kids sleep with them. It’s
for a variety of reasons – some do it because they feel they can be closer to protect their child, others admit it’s filling a void and easing the aftermath of a tough divorce. Some parents tell me
that an occasional sleepover with a kid isn’t a big deal at all. And then you have parents who have taken the Ferber Method so seriously that the mere thought of having their kid in bed with them sends them
straight to the child psychologist.
At the end of the day, it’s about choices. I am going to blink twice, and my 9-year-old, who already practices rolling her eyes at me like a sassy-pants teenager, is going to have absolutely zero interest in
hanging out with me, much less participate in a sleepover. So until things change, I’ll cherish our Tuesday nights, and keep on cranking out the lullabies as long as I have a daughter who requests them.
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We're all living the family dynamic, as parents, as children, as siblings, uncles and aunts. At Motherlode, lead writer and editor KJ Dell’Antonia invites contributors and commenters to explore how our families affect our lives, and how the news affects our families—and
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The Times is introducing Well Family, a new online report with expanded coverage of parenting, childhood health and relationships to help every family live well. Read more…
I can’t promise that our foster son can stay with us, but I can I try to prepare him for the possibility of leaving without adding to his fear. Read more…
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The incest taboo refers to the cultural prohibition of sexual activity or marriage between persons defined as "close" relatives; the degree of which is determined by the society in which the persons live. Various theories exist to explain the origins and motivations of incest taboo , and in particular, whether or not such a taboo exists universally or relatively.
The following excerpt from Notes and Queries , the most well-established field manual for ethnographic research, illustrates the scope of ethnographic investigation into the matter.
As this excerpt suggests, anthropologists are interested in the gulf between cultural rules and actual behavior, and many ethnographers have observed that incest occurs in societies with prohibitions against incest. It should be further noted that in these theories anthropologists are generally concerned solely with brother-sister incest, and are not claiming that all forms of incest are taboo (these theories are further complicated by the fact that in many societies people related to one another in different ways, and sometimes distantly, are classified together as siblings). Moreover, the definition restricts itself to sexual intercourse; this does not mean that other forms of sexual contact do not occur, or are proscribed, or prescribed. It should also be noted that in these theories anthropologists are primarily concerned with marriage rules and not sexual behavior. In short, anthropologists were not studying "incest" per se; they were asking informants what they meant by "incest," and what the consequences of "incest" were, in order to map out social relationships within the community.
This excerpt also suggests that the relationship between sexual and marriage practices is complex, and that societies distinguish between different sorts of prohibitions. In other words, although an individual may be prohibited from marrying or having sexual relations with many people, different sexual relations may be prohibited for different reasons, and with different penalties.
For example, Trobriand Islanders prohibit both sexual relations between a man and his mother, and between a woman and her father, but they describe these prohibitions in very different ways: relations between a man and his mother fall within the category of forbidden relations among members of the same clan; relations between a woman and her father do not. This is because the Trobrianders are matrilineal; children belong to the clan of their mother and not of their father. Thus, sexual relations between a man and his mother's sister (and mother's sister's daughter) are also considered incestuous, but relations between a man and his father's sister are not. Indeed, a man and his father's sister will often have a flirtatious relationship, and a man and the daughter of his father's sister may prefer to have sexual relations or marry.
Examples from other societies further reveal the variation in local understandings of incest. In Chinese societies, there is a strong taboo against marriage of persons with the same surname no
matter how distantly related. There are often local taboos against marriage between people of
certain surnames on the grounds that these surnames belong to clans which were closely related
in the past. Similarly, although marriage between first cousins is forbidden in some contemporary jurisdictions it is both legal and acceptable in others.
Although anthropologists have observed and studied violations of incest taboos (in other words, cases of incest), all anthropological theories of the incest taboo are concerned with the formal proscription against incest (as defined locally), not with actual cases of incest (however defined). These theories are motivated by two major questions: first, given the variation in how different societies define incest, and in which relationships are proscribed, is there any general pattern or universal function of incest taboos? Second, given that people do commit incest, why do so many (indeed, arguably, all) societies proscribe certain forms of incest? These questions are not concerned with the specific effects of incest on specific people — a matter usually left to psychologists .
One theory is that the observance of the taboo would lower the incidence of congenital birth defects caused by inbreeding . A society that had noticed this might tend to form an incest taboo.
Anthropologists reject this explanation for two reasons. First, inbreeding does not directly lead to congenital birth defects per se; it leads to an increase in the frequency of homozygotes . A homozygote encoding a congenital birth defect will produce children with birth defects, but homozygotes that do not encode for congenital birth defects will decrease the number of carriers in a population.
One might complain that a society would have to have a fairly advanced understanding of genetics to recognise this potential "benefit" of incest, whereas the increased prevalence of birth defects is relatively easy to spot.
Second, anthropologists have pointed out that in the Trobriand case a man and the daughter of his father's sister, and a man and the daughter of his mother's sister, are equally distant genetically. In that particular case, the prohibition against relations is not based on or motivated by concerns over biological closeness.
Another theory suggests that the taboo expresses a psychological revulsion that people naturally experience anyway at the thought of incest.
Under this view, advanced by evolutionary psychologists , the incest taboo is primarily caused not by social condemnation, but rather by genes for incest avoidance, which would tend to prosper, by ensuring that an individual's children (possibly containing those same genes) are not unhealthy due to inbreeding. Furthermore, the benefits of sex (as opposed to asexual reproduction ) are mysterious (see evolution of sex ), but whatever they are, they would tend to be reduced by incest. Genes that prevented incest would tend to inhabit bodies that had more of these benefits, and therefore tend to become more widely spread.
Evolutionary psychologists (e.g. Steven Pinker in How the Mind Works ) suggest that genetic influence is at work in the Westermarck effect , whereby people raised in close proximity (whether related or not) tend to feel little sexual attraction to each other, after maturity.
Most anthropologists reject this explanation, since incest does in fact occur. They suggest that the taboo itself may be the cause of the psychological revulsion.
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