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For some couples, the idea of having sex with anyone other than your spouse or longterm monogamous partner seems unfathomable. It can be hard to understand how “swinging” — when you swap partners with another couple and sleep with someone new — can actually lead to stronger relationship bonds. But believe it or not, it can, and there are more couples interested in doing it than you may realize.
If you’ve ever remotely considered getting into swinging — with your spouse, significant other or just that cool friend with benefits — there are a few things you should know before you dive in. Below, four women get real about what their own swinging experiences were really like. Remember that before you take the plunge on some new sexual activity, you and your partner want to talk things out and make sure you both feel emotionally and physically safe to move forward!
How she got into it: “I grew up with this idea that there’s not just one person for anyone and that we can enjoy being with multiple people, as well as the idea that you can have sex without having emotion tied to it. My husband knew that I was bi-curious when we met, so on the anniversary of our first date, we decided to explore and went to a swingers club.”
How it impacted her relationship: “It’s really helped strengthen our relationship. Not all experiences were 100 percent pleasurable, so we made an effort to have those conversations and keep the lines of communication open. When you talk about [swinging] it makes it so much easier to discuss other issues in the relationship.”
Her advice to those considering the lifestyle: “For couples who are considering it, we suggest that you better have a really good relationship starting out because it doesn’t fix broken relationships, it only breaks them up faster. Also, you need to have conversations with your spouse or partner before you go into it. Know your rules and limits before you get into a situation because you can’t really get upset with your partner if you didn’t talk about.”
How she got into it: “I was introduced to swinging by my former husband, and not in a good way. One day he forgot to log off the computer and I looked at his browser. I saw some sites that I was not familiar with, but I was appalled by what a saw. Some time later, I confronted him about it. He explained to me what swinging was, but I furthered my knowledge by reading everything I could. I then told him that if he had just talked to me about it, it was something I could be open to.”
How it impacted her relationship: “[Swinging] honestly had no effect on our relationship, which ended for other reasons. Swinging changed me personally for the better. I have sexual confidence that I didn’t have before. I exclusively date swingers now because I meet a much better class of men. They really honor and respect women.”
Her advice to those considering swinging: “If your marriage is struggling, don’t do it. It will only make things worse. If you have a good marriage, dip your toes in the water. Attend a meet and greet or other event. The swinger couples I know have absolutely amazing marriages. For a single woman, you’ll meet the best men ever, but take it slow and make sure you take the usual dating precautions.”
How she got into it: “My boyfriend thought it would be fun to try. We didn’t do anything except dance and talk to some people the first night, but it was exciting and I couldn’t wait to go back. A few months later, on New Year’s Eve, we had a hotel room and invited a few people up. Well… Everyone came up. It was packed and before I knew it, everyone was having sex all around me. A lovely woman wanted to play with me and my boyfriend. I loved it. I loved watching him with her and having him watch me with her, and then both of us just getting lost in the whole experience. I loved the experience of being able to have sex outside of my relationship.”
How it impacted her relationship: “I’ve never been tempted to stray outside of my relationship by having an affair. Swinging takes care of all of my sex needs. I really feel that it strengthens every relationship. I don’t view sex as something that you only have with someone you love. Sex is recreational. I think every boyfriend I’ve had has felt the same way. Along the way, I started filming myself with various people and decided to take my swinging/exhibitionist/kinky lifestyle and make it full time. I guess you could say that swinging has enriched my relationships and also enriched my life.”
Her advice to those considering swinging: “Don’t feel pressure. Most people who are new to swinging don’t actually have sex. They like to watch. In a swingers club, no really does mean no. Many times, I’ve had men or women approach me and if I don’t feel like it, I just say no. You can explore any fantasy you have at a swingers club. I would suggest for first timers to try a larger club where there are lots of people. People who go to swingers clubs are normal people who you would never guess in a million years are swingers. About 90 percent of people who swing are married with kids and just want to try walking on the wild side together.”
How she got into it: “Depending on the state of each relationship and my boundaries with different partners, I had different experiences. In the beginning, when I was younger, it felt awkward based on my inability to be assertive about my wants and needs. It felt more like that group sex stereotype that you might see on TV or in porn… and definitely more male pleasure-centered.”
How it impacted her relationship: “Sexual jealousy has never really been an issue for me, and as long as my needs are being met, I feel secure and aroused when I watch a partner enjoying someone else. I think one mistake some people make is assuming that swinging has only one meaning, but it’s something that is totally open to interpretation. Some of my most intimate, fulfilling encounters lately have been ‘soft swap’ — meaning I have sex with my primary partner, and have foreplay only with our ‘guests.’”
Her advice to those considering swinging: “If you want to start experimenting with swinging and swapping, you need to take a look at your sexual values and belief system. Compare it to the way your partner perceives things, and before you proceed, have an honest discussion. Overall, if you find yourself wanting to try this later on in life, go for it! It may reawaken you and give you a sexual second wind. It’s never too late. There are people of all ages, all body types, all colors, who come from a variety of backgrounds looking for like-minded people.”
A version of this story was published February 2017.
Looking for a few new positions to shake up your bedroom routine? Here’s 69 of them:
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InStyle is part of the Dotdash Meredith publishing family.

Maressa Brown is a journalist and astrologer who's a regular lifestyle contributor and resident astrologer for InStyle. She has nearly two decades of professional experience writing, reporting, and editing lifestyle content for a variety of digital and print consumer-facing publications including Parents, Shape, Astrology.com, and more. She is currently based in Los Angeles and completing her first title with Artisan Books to be published in early 2023.

From experimenting with different sex positions to bringing accessories into the bedroom, there are a plethora of steamy ways to take your sex life to the next level. But more and more couples are flirting with the idea of non-monogamy as a way to find fulfillment. In fact, in a 2020 YouGov poll of more than 1,300 U.S. adults, about one-third (32%) said that their ideal relationship is non-monogamous to some degree.

"Some form of a non-monogamous relationship dynamic might be for you if the idea of being intimate with more than one partner excites you," says Amy Baldwin, sex educator, sex and relationship coach, and co-host of the Shameless Sex Podcast . "Some folks choose it to spice up their current partnership with newness and aliveness while others may do so to remedy sexual or emotional needs that are not being met in their current relationship."

It bears noting that ethical non-monogamy can take a variety of forms — one of which is swinging, also referred to as being in "the lifestyle," a sexual practice that involves engaging in sexual activities with another couple and single people. Here, how this particular type of consensual non-monogamy works and best practices for getting started.

Baldwin explains that a swinger, or someone in "the lifestyle," is typically:

That said, people in the lifestyle can be solo as well, says intimacy expert Susan Bratton . And they often gather at public or private parties (which used to be called "key parties") that are hosted in rental homes, resorts, or even cruise ships.

"Most parties allow couples and single women — known fondly as 'unicorns' — but severely throttle the number of single men who can attend because otherwise, the ratio would fall too much toward a bunch of horny guys," she notes.

You can usually find lifestyle parties with a simple Google search, but the most important aspect of involvement is being invited in, showing up, and getting invited back over time to establish yourself as a trustworthy and valuable addition to the group, explains Bratton.

While swinging, partners might engage in "same room" sex, which refers to all activities taking place in the same room, so partners can see each other enjoying themselves, explains Sarah Melancon, Ph.D., a clinical sexologist and sexuality and relationships expert for SexToyCollective.com , who adds that this may also provide a sense of security for some. But sharing the experience doesn't necessarily mean sharing the same space. Swingers might also participate in "separate room" sex, which is exactly what it sounds like.

Although partners might go their separate ways, says Baldwin, the underlying intention is generally a feeling of shared turn-on or aliveness that somehow fuels more fire into the partnership.

There are also several levels of partner swapping that swingers will engage in, according to Melancon:

A "soft swap": Involves sexual activities up to and including oral sex.

A "full swap" or "hard swap": Involves most sexual activities, including intercourse (vaginal or anal , depending on preferences).

"Some couples like to start with soft swaps to get their feet wet, so to speak, while for others they simply prefer to reserve intercourse for their romantic relationship," explains Melancon, who adds that the level at which a couple is willing to swap could be related to either preference or health concerns, like STI transmission and pregnancy risk.

While it might sound counterintuitive, couples who engage in swinging don't necessarily define their relationship as "open." Think of "open relationship" as a bit of an umbrella term, suggests Baldwin. "It can encompass everything from purely sexual no-strings-attached experiences with multiple people to dating and/or deeper connections," she notes. And open relationships are more about satisfying each person's unique needs, while swinging is a "team effort."

A third form of consensual non-monogamy: Polyamory , which is different from swinging and open relationships in that it focuses on the building of relationships with other people outside of your primary partnership, says Baldwin. "It is less casual and more about love or connection, often resulting in multiple loving relationships, and even multiple committed partners," she says.

If you're unclear on which type of non-monogamy appeals the most, reflect on whether you're craving a shared experience with your partner, you might want to try swinging.

But if you want to exercise your own sexual freedom or autonomy outside of your current relationship, you might be more interested in an open relationship. And if you want to connect with and even love multiple people, polyamory could be your best bet, says Baldwin.

Consider taking the following steps to dip your toe into the lifestyle.

Once you've concluded that swinging is the form of non-monogamy that would work best for you, broach the conversation with your partner. "If they are a 'maybe' or a 'yes,' be sure to spend plenty of time learning more about how to navigate non-monogamy, as well as having plenty of clear conversations about feelings, boundaries, and needs," suggests Baldwin.

And note that getting a "yes" from your partner is crucial. "Both partners should have a similar interest level before trying swinging," says Melancon. "If one partner is unsure or is doing it just to make their partner happy, it is more likely to cause emotional pain and possible breakup than sexual excitement and pleasure." Feeling pressured by your partner to engage in swinging is also a "big red flag," she points out.

2. The more communication, the better.

Prepare yourself for communicating more than you did when you were monogamous. "Things become a bit more complex when we allow more people into our intimate, energetic space," says Baldwin.

For example, you'll want to discuss the rules of the road. Talk about the level — soft, full, or hard — you're OK with. "It is essential to be comfortable discussing boundaries (i.e., 'I am comfortable with you performing oral sex but not having intercourse') and preferences (i.e., 'I would find it really hot to watch you have sex with another woman') with your partner," says Melancon.

And make sure to go over safe sex practices (condoms, dental dams, and birth control) related to STI and pregnancy risk, says Melancon, who adds that regular STI testing is recommended for anyone engaging in sex with multiple partners.

Baldwin suggests starting out with "smaller, more tame experiences" — perhaps a soft swap involving just foreplay or making out, to start — and then check-in after each to tend to any challenging emotions that come up. Through each experience, you'll get a better sense of what feels the most satisfying and enlivening for both you and your partner(s).

BRA-VO I tried on two different size bras - they both fitted… but the difference was crazy
STOP THE BULLIES Kids at my son's school refused to sign his year book
Double take I own a bridal shop – a woman freaked out at her fitting when someone showed up
PRIMANIA I'm a size 18 fashion fan & £8 Primark cardigans are a must-have - I've got 3
A WOMAN has detailed how she and her husband tried swinging - and they were shocked with what they discovered.
Bradlee Bryant, writing in a blog post , told how she and her husband started swinging after meeting up in a hotel with a "good looking couple".
She admitted, having fantasised about the scenario for six months and only having had sex with her man for the past 10 years, she thought it would be great.
But that wasn't the case - and she was left "underwhelmed" and unable to finish... as was her bloke.
"It never crossed my mind that the reality of swinging would be anything less than the exciting fantasy I imagined," she says
"We were prepared to trade in our comfort for the thrill of a new partner, but we weren't anticipating partners that weren't very good at the whole sex part of the swinging experience."
Bradlee admitted the sex which she enjoyed with her husband was better than that they enjoyed separately with their new "lifestyle partners".
"My first non-monogamous sexual experience was overwhelmingly underwhelming," she says.
"Much like our eyes are often hungrier than our stomachs, my fantasy was much more thrilling than the actual experience."
But she added their first encounter with a new couple started well with lots of flirting.
Her new bloke's hand rested on her thigh throughout dinner and he complimented her often.
But when it came to getting down and dirty things just didn't click.
Much like our eyes are often hungrier than our stomachs, my fantasy was much more thrilling than the actual experience.
Bradlee revealed neither she or her husband orgasmed.
"The sex just wasn’t as good as we were used to having at home," she says.
But people commenting on her blog said her experience was common. "I can summarise our five years of swinging experience into a single paragraph: The novelty of having sex with someone other than each other is often short lived, frequently disappointing, and sometimes downright awful," one man wrote.
Another commentator criticised her. "You talk about how unfulfilled you were I bet this twosome were wholly underwhelmed too," he wrote.
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