Swingers Part

Swingers Part

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Maressa Brown is a journalist and astrologer who's a regular lifestyle contributor and resident astrologer for InStyle. She has nearly two decades of professional experience writing, reporting, and editing lifestyle content for a variety of digital and print consumer-facing publications including Parents, Shape, Astrology.com, and more. She is currently based in Los Angeles and completing her first title with Artisan Books to be published in early 2023.

From experimenting with different sex positions to bringing accessories into the bedroom, there are a plethora of steamy ways to take your sex life to the next level. But more and more couples are flirting with the idea of non-monogamy as a way to find fulfillment. In fact, in a 2020 YouGov poll of more than 1,300 U.S. adults, about one-third (32%) said that their ideal relationship is non-monogamous to some degree.

"Some form of a non-monogamous relationship dynamic might be for you if the idea of being intimate with more than one partner excites you," says Amy Baldwin, sex educator, sex and relationship coach, and co-host of the Shameless Sex Podcast . "Some folks choose it to spice up their current partnership with newness and aliveness while others may do so to remedy sexual or emotional needs that are not being met in their current relationship."

It bears noting that ethical non-monogamy can take a variety of forms — one of which is swinging, also referred to as being in "the lifestyle," a sexual practice that involves engaging in sexual activities with another couple and single people. Here, how this particular type of consensual non-monogamy works and best practices for getting started.

Baldwin explains that a swinger, or someone in "the lifestyle," is typically:

That said, people in the lifestyle can be solo as well, says intimacy expert Susan Bratton . And they often gather at public or private parties (which used to be called "key parties") that are hosted in rental homes, resorts, or even cruise ships.

"Most parties allow couples and single women — known fondly as 'unicorns' — but severely throttle the number of single men who can attend because otherwise, the ratio would fall too much toward a bunch of horny guys," she notes.

You can usually find lifestyle parties with a simple Google search, but the most important aspect of involvement is being invited in, showing up, and getting invited back over time to establish yourself as a trustworthy and valuable addition to the group, explains Bratton.

While swinging, partners might engage in "same room" sex, which refers to all activities taking place in the same room, so partners can see each other enjoying themselves, explains Sarah Melancon, Ph.D., a clinical sexologist and sexuality and relationships expert for SexToyCollective.com , who adds that this may also provide a sense of security for some. But sharing the experience doesn't necessarily mean sharing the same space. Swingers might also participate in "separate room" sex, which is exactly what it sounds like.

Although partners might go their separate ways, says Baldwin, the underlying intention is generally a feeling of shared turn-on or aliveness that somehow fuels more fire into the partnership.

There are also several levels of partner swapping that swingers will engage in, according to Melancon:

A "soft swap": Involves sexual activities up to and including oral sex.

A "full swap" or "hard swap": Involves most sexual activities, including intercourse (vaginal or anal , depending on preferences).

"Some couples like to start with soft swaps to get their feet wet, so to speak, while for others they simply prefer to reserve intercourse for their romantic relationship," explains Melancon, who adds that the level at which a couple is willing to swap could be related to either preference or health concerns, like STI transmission and pregnancy risk.

While it might sound counterintuitive, couples who engage in swinging don't necessarily define their relationship as "open." Think of "open relationship" as a bit of an umbrella term, suggests Baldwin. "It can encompass everything from purely sexual no-strings-attached experiences with multiple people to dating and/or deeper connections," she notes. And open relationships are more about satisfying each person's unique needs, while swinging is a "team effort."

A third form of consensual non-monogamy: Polyamory , which is different from swinging and open relationships in that it focuses on the building of relationships with other people outside of your primary partnership, says Baldwin. "It is less casual and more about love or connection, often resulting in multiple loving relationships, and even multiple committed partners," she says.

If you're unclear on which type of non-monogamy appeals the most, reflect on whether you're craving a shared experience with your partner, you might want to try swinging.

But if you want to exercise your own sexual freedom or autonomy outside of your current relationship, you might be more interested in an open relationship. And if you want to connect with and even love multiple people, polyamory could be your best bet, says Baldwin.

Consider taking the following steps to dip your toe into the lifestyle.

Once you've concluded that swinging is the form of non-monogamy that would work best for you, broach the conversation with your partner. "If they are a 'maybe' or a 'yes,' be sure to spend plenty of time learning more about how to navigate non-monogamy, as well as having plenty of clear conversations about feelings, boundaries, and needs," suggests Baldwin.

And note that getting a "yes" from your partner is crucial. "Both partners should have a similar interest level before trying swinging," says Melancon. "If one partner is unsure or is doing it just to make their partner happy, it is more likely to cause emotional pain and possible breakup than sexual excitement and pleasure." Feeling pressured by your partner to engage in swinging is also a "big red flag," she points out.

2. The more communication, the better.

Prepare yourself for communicating more than you did when you were monogamous. "Things become a bit more complex when we allow more people into our intimate, energetic space," says Baldwin.

For example, you'll want to discuss the rules of the road. Talk about the level — soft, full, or hard — you're OK with. "It is essential to be comfortable discussing boundaries (i.e., 'I am comfortable with you performing oral sex but not having intercourse') and preferences (i.e., 'I would find it really hot to watch you have sex with another woman') with your partner," says Melancon.

And make sure to go over safe sex practices (condoms, dental dams, and birth control) related to STI and pregnancy risk, says Melancon, who adds that regular STI testing is recommended for anyone engaging in sex with multiple partners.

Baldwin suggests starting out with "smaller, more tame experiences" — perhaps a soft swap involving just foreplay or making out, to start — and then check-in after each to tend to any challenging emotions that come up. Through each experience, you'll get a better sense of what feels the most satisfying and enlivening for both you and your partner(s).

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December 16, 2021, 5:00 AM · 5 min read
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There comes a time in every woman’s life when she needs to fill out her first sex party application. OK, maybe not every woman, but most women. OK, maybe not most women, but some women. OK fine. This woman. I am the woman. I’m Gabby Cicero and this was my very real response to my first sex party application question: ’ What are you looking for?’
I’m three years single. I took a break from relationships to heal and discover parts of myself that were in need of care. I could not have done that in a relationship, but I am now feeling like the wind is back in my sails and I want to explore again and have fun.
Like all epic tales, I have to provide a bit of backstory for context. The fact that I write about sex is proof that the universe has a sense of humor. I grew up around the classic Italian American style of repressed sexuality, traditional gender roles and regulations and the feeling that my body was a problem that had to be solved. Over the course of my adolescence into my adulthood, I struggled with bulimia, sexual orientation confusion (how gay is gay?) and a general sense that my sexuality was something I needed to present perfectly as to avoid any kind of confusion or confrontation with myself or anyone else.
I really just wanted my sexuality to be a simple thing rather than the beautifully varied and ever evolving phenomenon that it is. Of course, the desire to be a perfect little angel became incredibly exhausting and the undoing of that whole desire took lots of time, therapy (EMDR being the most effective) and self-respect to get to a point where I could imperfectly do whatever the hell I want with my body for the sake of joy and to stop being co-dependently attached to what everyone else might think about my life and choices. Phew! OK. Cut to: The Sex Party.
After my healing hiatus, my most perverted friend (high compliment in my book) recommended that I check out a private membership club where sex parties were held in undisclosed luxury settings. Wow I thought. What a cinematic way to rip off the band aid. With an Anthony Bourdain/Lisa Ling sensibility, I set out to better understand myself and other people who desire to attend sex parties. I was open to getting laid, but honestly even more open to finally feeling something new.
Walking in, I was asked to sign a waiver. A 25-year-old in flare jeans holding a clip board asked, “You know what this is, right?” “Yes,” I replied. I signed the paperwork, took a deep breath and walked into the huge Fort Greene loft. The vibes were Luxury Burning Man: neon lighting, heavy bass music and the mildly triggering smell of modern American hippy incense. Middle aged men wearing open button-down shirts stood around a table snacking on eating crackers while—bottomless. Dear God, I cannot see anyone I know, I thought. Then, I realized, if someone saw me…they would also have to be at the sex party, so…surfs up, yolo, etc.
I made my way into different rooms. There were tents, beds and couches with naked people lounging on them. It was like Eyes Wide Shut but with normal people bodies. Bowls of condoms were everywhere and there was no booze allowed. There was a distinct sense of safety and respect. Suddenly, I started to realize I was one of the youngest people there. I wanted to text my perverted friend and tell her this was definitely a married couples swingers party, but my phone was locked at coat check along with everyone else’s.
As I perused the rooms, I saw nude people in their 50s and 60s chatting with the polite kind of warmth that can only be described as first day of work orientation or some kind of alternative lifestyle convention at the Javits Center. I was feeling oddly inspired, awkward and unsure. A few people were making out and I weirdly felt like I was intruding. No! I reminded myself. Chill out, man. You belong. Remember: surfs up, yolo, etc.
I needed to make a friend, like in the movies, where there’s another ‘normal’ person for the main character to connect with on the first day at camp, but that seemed even more difficult than just taking my top off any laying on a random bean bag. So that’s what I did. After about three seconds, I really wanted to put said top back on. So that’s what I did. I got off the bean bag (hard to do) and kept walking through what felt like an endless maze of other people’s parents having sex. It was kind of cool, weird, surprisingly heartwarming and a full-blown example of the kind of release from perfectionism I had been working on letting go of in myself for the last three years. These people were doing what they wanted with their bodies. Imperfectly and without judgement.
Although randomly touched (metaphorically, not physically, as anticipated) I was less turned on than ever before in my life and so I gave myself permission to leave the party. While I was checking out, the 25-year-old with the clip board let me know about a few ‘younger people’ parties that I might be more interested in. I thanked him, grabbed my coat and headed home. Walking the streets of Fort Greene, I had this amazing feeling for the first time. No one could ever guess what I had just experienced. It was my own thing—albeit totally not at all what I expected, odd and kind of hilarious, it was my own sexual experience. Free from the idea of perfectionism, I felt fully sexually empowered for the very first time.
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