Swinger Couple

Swinger Couple

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dating

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7/5/22

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Ten years ago, when Rosie Kay’s then-boyfriend, Gary, suggested they become ethically non-monogamous, or swingers, she was “terrified” of opening up their bed to other people.
“There’s a connotation that swingers are seedy, sweaty people who toss their keys into a bowl to determine who we’ll have sex with that night,” Kay, 34, from London, told The Post.
“But real, genuine swinger couples communicate [with each other] about the sex that they’re having [outside the relationship] beforehand. It’s not about just having random sex with strangers.”
After Kay, who identifies as bisexual, and Gary explored the swinging lifestyle with other couples and singles, they discovered that being ethically non-monogamous allowed them to relish their relationship while enjoying new sexual romps that they may not have otherwise encountered.
“We were on this exciting journey together and it was purely about making physical and sexual connections,” said Kay.
She initially feared Gary would end up leaving her for another woman if they became swingers. “But once I realized that he and I were rock-solid in love, I overcame that fear of abandonment and accepted the fact that even though there might be other women involved who are younger or slimmer, [Gary] won’t think of them to be better than me,” she said.
And after their amicable spilt a few years ago, Kay began researching ethical non-monogamy online. She came to believe that the swinging lifestyle is actually the “more natural” way to love. Her curiosity took her back to school, where she studied relationship counseling and was certified by the Complementary Therapists Accredited Association.
“As humans, we’re not actually programmed to be monogamous. Society has just progressed in that way,” insisted Kay, who, over the past two years, has virtually helped couples and singles in the UK and the US consensually explore extramarital intimacies with others.
Before Brooklynite Scott Scharphorn sought out Kay’s sexpertise last month, he was struggling to meet women and couples who were interested in swinging with a single man.
“It’s more difficult being a single man in the [swingers] universe because there’s a stigma that single males in this lifestyle have questionable intentions,” Scharphorn, 41, who works in finance, told The Post.
He’d previously been in an ethically non-monogamous relationship and said the lifestyle brought him and his girlfriend “closer together as a couple and helped us meet some really awesome people.”
Last month, he hired Kay to assist him in dating as a solo swinger, and has since made new connections within the community.
“Rosie’s helped me come up with what to say when I’m approaching other swinging couples and women as a single male,” said Scharphorn. “And even though she’s in the UK, she’s done a lot of research on swinging sites and clubs [in New York], and that’s helped improve my approach in-person and on my swingers dating profiles.”
Scharphorn, Kay said, is one of a growing number of people interested in the lifestyle.
“As more people are starting to go out and live life again [after] spending time together during the lockdown, they’re now more open to exploring ethical non-monogamy,” she said.
Most of Kay’s clients are ordinary, everyday couples in their mid-30s and early 40s who’ve been together for about 10 to 15 years. On average, the majority of the pairs are either interested in having a threesome or the male partner wants to watch as his wife or girlfriend has sex with another man.
But the lovers are afraid to take the sexual leap, owing to concerns that becoming swingers might ruin their relationship.
“One of the first things I do with my clients is re-train their brains or deprogram what they’ve been taught about ethical non-monogamy,” said Kay. For an hourlong counseling session via Zoom, she charges singles around $72. Couples pay $109. And all of her clients book a minimum of three sessions.
“And that starts by teaching them self-acceptance,” she said.
“We talk about sexuality, and why it’s OK [for them] to want to be with more than one person to explore things sexually. And I assure them that their desire to try new things with other people doesn’t mean that they don’t love one another.”
In fact, Kay believes opening up a relationship to other sexual participants can reduce a partner’s urge to cheat.
“Some people do think [swinging] is immoral, but a lot of people cheat and act immorally within monogamous relationships,” she said.
“Swinging won’t stop someone from cheating,” she continued. “But it minimizes [the risk] because you get to act on those [unexplored sexual] impulses, and you get to have a much deeper and honest relationship with your partner.”
After helping patients cope with any lingering hang-ups about enjoying sex with their partners and others, Kay walks the couples through a multistep process toward a successful swingers’ sex life.
Here, she shares her tips for couples looking to open up their bedroom.
Kay first teaches pairs how to establish open, honest and clear channels of communication with one another.
“Being vulnerable can be very scary, but it’s important in ethical non-monogamy,” she told The Post. “You have to have a lot of conversations [with your partner] about [your swinging desires]. And unless there’s clear communication and boundaries that are set, it could jeopardize a relationship.”
Next, Kay aids her pupils in protecting their relationship by setting strict rules around their physical and emotional escapades with others.
“We have to identify the type of ethical non-monogamy that they want to explore. And then put laws and boundaries around it,” said Kay. “When a couple is guided by a set of rules and goals that are mutually beneficial, it adds a sense of security, comfort and reassurance to both partners.”
Adhering to agreed-upon limitations also helps diminish feelings of insecurity and jealousy, according to the poly pundit.
“I tell my clients: ‘Yes, there will be other people involved with you in a sexual way, but it’s purely a physical sexual connection. Another person can’t compete because [through coaching we’re assuring] that your relationship is emotionally exclusive.'”
Do swingers have perfect bodies? I have had the absolute pleasure of meeting so many different men and women over the years. All of various shapes and sizes. Do you know what I remember the most? How confident they were, regardless of their body type #swinging #swingersparties
Once the couple has established a firm foundation, Kay teaches them the do’s and don’ts of hooking up with other swingers.
“The best way to meet people is either an online platform or visiting a swingers club because you’re all there for the same reasons,” she said.
For those hoping to connect virtually, Kay often assists her clients in navigating popular swinger sites like FabSwingers or SDC.com . And if the sweethearts are more interested in meeting like-minded partners in person, she points them toward the hottest swingers clubs in their area.
But Kay strongly advises against sidling up to strangers at the supermarket and asking if they’d like to swing.
“It’s not something I recommend doing in regular life, at a club or a grocery store,” she said with a laugh. “You could approach people like that, but not everyone is comfortable in that kind of situation.”
After her clients have determined how they’d like to find other swingers, Kay assists them in creating their “perfect” first ethically non-monogamous experience.
“I advise couples on how to approach other couples in swingers clubs and how to talk to them about what they would like to experience,” said Kay
“I also advise on what to wear and what not to wear,” she said, noting that she urges the daters to wear something comfortable that fits the vibe of a classy, upscale swingers lounge. “No sweatpants and no [sneakers].”
A few years ago, I was in an open relationship with a bisexual man, this relationship taught me that the greatest gift you can give your partner is freedom for them to be themselves. #openrelationships #Nonmonogamy #bisexual #RelationshipGuidelines #swingersuk
Once all the prep work is complete, Kay sends her couples on their first outings.
“After their initial swinging [exploration], I’ll lead the couple in an open discussion about their reactions and responses to what they’ve just experienced,” said Kay.
“Sometimes we have to work though jealousy issues or emotional problems or some glitch that came up. It’s an ongoing and gradual process.”

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Jordyn Taylor
Jordyn Taylor is the Deputy Editor of Content at Men's Health.

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More couples are doing it than you think.
When you think about swingers, you might hear Mike Myers saying the word in his iconic Austin Powers voice: "Swingers baby, yeah!"
But the term "swinger" doesn't just apply to groovy people who went to sex parties in the '60s and '70s. Swinging still happens today, and with different forms of non-monogamy gaining traction in mainstream culture , it might be more common than you realize. Maybe it's something you'd even like to try.
Swinging can be defined as either (or both) a behavior and an identity, according to Zhana Vrangalova , Ph.D., a sexuality and relationships scientist who runs a course on non-monogamy called Open Smarter .
"Behaviorally, it means that you are in a couple, or you're a single person, who is living a life of having multiple casual partners," she says. For most couples who partake in swinging, they're having these sexual experiences "together as a couple, and they are doing it with some frequency," she adds. (Think: Once a month, you and your spouse get together for a no-strings-attached foursome with another couple; or once a year, you hit up a swingers' resort for a weeklong group sex buffet.) People who swing might find sex partners on apps, at social events, at sex clubs and sex parties, or even on cruises and other vacations geared toward these types of experiences.
Swinging can be an identity when people "adopt that label for themselves, and feel like they are part of the swinger community, or what's often known as the Lifestyle ," Vrangalova says.
While there may be a rise in people in partaking in swinger behavior , Vrangalova has noticed a decline in people claiming "swinger" as an identity . "The word 'swinging' has been losing popularity," she says. "The younger generation does not relate to it. They relate to polyamory , but polyamory is different, and it should be kept different."
Swinging is often confused with open relationships and polyamory. To be fair, they all fall under the umbrella of non-monogamy, but they differ in whether partners are emotionally (or just sexually) exclusive, and whether partners play together or separately.
The biggest difference is that swingers only have one committed romantic relationship at a time, whereas polyamory—or multi-partnering, as Vrangalova also calls it—is a form of non-monogamy were people are open to having multiple committed romantic relationships at once. "That is a very different animal," she says. A swinger couple might do soft or full swaps with other couples every weekend, but they'd still be emotionally and romantically exclusive with each other. (FYI, "soft swap" and "full swap" are swinger lingo for hookups that don't and do involve P-in-V penetration, respectively.)
Swinging is also distinct from an open relationship, where members of a couple have their own sexual experiences outside their primary partnership. "Swingers mostly play together, whereas in open relationships, people mostly see other people separately," Vrangalova says.
We asked three people who enjoy swinging to describe their experiences. You'll hear from:
*Names have been changed to allow subjects to speak freely on private matters.
Aaron: Right now, we're mostly playing as a couple. I have been added as a bull [a man who has sex with another person's wife in a cuckolding scenario] for a few couples, and play with two female friends from time to time. Couples are the main goal, as I like having a balance of pleasure, connection, and engagement.
Blaine: ENM with my long-term partner. Currently we are only playing together, but we have played separately. It’s a work in progress. There are certain boundaries we’ve each set, like no cuddling with others, no repeat play dates, no unprotected sex. We’re not on a set schedule, but we’re always on the lookout, so when we do play it tends to be when an opportunity presents itself.
Gary: My partner and I like to say that our bedroom is wide open, but our relationship is not. We're currently into other sexual partners, but not other romantic ones. Aside from rules in the bedroom regarding play, our two biggest (and probably only) rules are playing together always; separate rooms are okay, but always within the same area. And no taking one for the team. I have to be into the F, and she has to be into the M and the F. We meet [with partners] every few weeks, depending on our work schedules. It's less of a priority, more of a bonus.
Aaron: Most couples have been met on Feeld, [but] I have met most of the married women on Bumble and Tinder. There are a few organizations in [NYC] that I have meet people at; those have been the best, as it takes a lot of the long-winded talkers and flakes out of the interaction quickly.
Blaine: We’ve met most play partners online.
Gary: We generally meet new couples off either 3Fun, Feeld (our favorite), or through mutual friends.
Aaron: Just kinda fell into it. When I was younger, a partner enjoyed talking about the possibility of this happening, but in those days, we didn’t know where to go for it, so it was just talk—and I really enjoyed it.
Blaine: After a long monogamous marriage, I met my current partner and we were both open to it. She had experience, so we just started doing it.
Gary: We both had friends introduce us to swinging in our past relationships. It only felt right that we kept the tradition going, since we both love it.
Aaron: I was in a bar with a woman I was seeing, and another couple came up and asked if we wanted to play darts with them. (There was no one in the bar.) We said yes. Lots of chatting happened, and they asked if we wanted to keep drinking. The bar was closing, so we went back with them, and the next thing we know, we are playing strip Jenga. We were so green, we didn’t see what was happening. The biggest thing that sticks out is the husband couldn’t get it up, so it turned into a threesome for me.
Blaine: The reality isn’t what I expected in fantasy. The other partners are real people, too, with their own desires and their own agenda. It never goes as planned. You have to be clear about boundaries and enforce them if necessary.
Gary: The excitement, LOL. Everything was so intense and brand new. It was a kid-in-a-candy-shop energy, and we loved every moment.
Aaron: Pure joy. I love seeing my partner pleased. Knowing that she is getting a new experience, and we are sharing it together, is a powerful connection.
Blaine: The sexual brain is turned on. The logical brain is jealous. What looks hot in the moment can be difficult to process after you’re out of the zone.
Gary: It's a turn-on for the both of us. Luckily, we have no jealousy issues, so for us it makes us happy knowing our partner is being pleasured in whichever way.
Aaron: Too many to talk about, but comparison is the biggest issue, mostly around body or moans made from me. Lots of pre-talk and post-care connection is the best way [to manage these issues]. We use a Red, Yellow, Green Light [model] to talk about what’s off the table, what
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