Sucked Son
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I knew this day would come as I had been warned by those who had gone before me. He's going to ask someday. She's going to have questions. You need to get your story straight.
06/14/2016 04:53pm EDT | Updated June 15, 2017
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I knew this day would come as I had been warned by those who had gone before me.
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You need to get your story straight.
You have to be *prepared* because you'll be caught with your pants down when the kids ask about the specifics of sex.
And, in a dark car, on the way home from dinner, it happened: my son and I had a whopper of a conversation.
While I've mostly recovered from the trauma, my friends are still reeling from the advice I gave him.
The evening started out innocently enough. After attending an event as a family, Hubby and I decided to take the kids out for dinner at one of our favorite watering holes (read: drink martinis as the kids consumed large quantities of fried foods and dessert). We spent that time talking to each other, visiting with friends who'd also gone to the restaurant and joking with our favorite bartender. It was a picture perfect moment: warm sweaters, noisy atmosphere, a family smiling together. I had no way of knowing that my son had questions brimming and he'd decided he was going to get some answers on the way home.
As we had taken two cars,my son opted to ride home with me. I should have seen this as a SIGN, people. Of what, I don't know, but I should have seen SOMETHING coming.
Once in the car, and about two seconds after I navigated the car away from the curb, he dropped a bomb on me: there was a sexting scandal at school and he was upset.
Let me repeat that: MY TWELVE YEAR OLD WAS UPSET ABOUT A SEXTING INCIDENT. Twelve. As in, they don't even have the word "teen" in their ages yet, bitchachos.
Pardon me as I try not to drive this people mover right into a tree.
While he was not involved (THANKYOUSWEETBABYJESUS), he was upset about the consequences, the children involved and the general implications that this kind of thing brings. He wondered what would happen if he received salacious texts, who he should tell, why kids would do such a thing. Heavy topics weighed on his mind and he wanted to talk about all of it. WITH ME. As I was driving heavy machinery. In the dark. Without Hubby as a back up.
I'm not going to lie: I was caught with my pants down and I swear, the deer we passed on the road did not look nearly as surprised as I did when I was driving.
But, I made a choice to keep driving, to take the longest way home possible because my tween was talking, openly talking to me about sex. I didn't know when, or if, this situation would ever present itself again. I don't know if it was the dark, country roads I slowly drove, the fact that we weren't facing each other or if the stars just magically aligned to make him open up, but it happened.
As we quieted from the sexting discussion, he coyly and shyly said, "I have one more question" and the tone of his voice made me realize I needed to brace myself.
"Well. You know. Some of the boys, they talk about this thing that involves blowing. And work. Blow work, is it? Something that is like a job and involves blowing. I don't know what that means. Can you explain that to me?".
I'M NOT GOING TO SURVIVE THE TEEN YEARS, YOU GUYS.
Here I was, in a car, being asked a specific question about a sex act from my twelve year old. In the split seconds that followed his question, I debated: do I tell him? Do I push it aside and tell him that's for grown ups? Do I pull over on the side of the road and call Hubby to take over? How hard will I have to junk punch Hubby when I get home? I honestly didn't know what to do and, as I gripped the steering wheel and tried to keep myself from driving into a cornfield, I made a decision.
I told him. I was honest and forthright. And, then it was HIM wearing the deer in the headlights expression.
As the reality of the answer set in, and, realizing these moments with tweens are fleeting, I took it one step further: I told him a committed relationship is a two way street and when you are intimate with someone, it's never one sided. If he's alone with a girl, it's to be enjoyable for both of them and it's never okay to let a girl please him solely.
I told him that if you get one, you give one. Plain and simple. Because no daughter in law of mine is going to stand in my kitchen and wonder why he's such a greedy asshole in the bedroom.
And, judging from the looks of horror on my friends' faces as I've recounted this story, I seem to be in the minority when it comes talking openly with kids about sex. I've been accused of condoning pre marital sex. I've been told I crossed a line by explaining the specifics of a sex act to my child. And, I've been told that I'm asking for trouble by telling him that his eventual girlfriend's needs are important, too. Mostly, my friends have cry laughed at the image of me driving down the street being asked about knob polishing. And, naturally, they all asked how soon I'd be blogging about my drive from hell....
But, for all the judgement, all the shocked outcry, I stand by what I told my son. I stand by my honesty and I hope, that in doing so, I've set the stage for him to want to come back to ask questions, to get good, solid answers from his father and I. And, in that moment, he trusted me with his thoughts and was open and honest with me. The least I could do was be honest right back.
Because if you get it, you give it, people.
Christine Burke is a blogger and freelance writer. Her personal blog is keeperofthefruitloops.com and she can be found on Facebook. Her latest book, "I Just Want To Be Perfect" is available on Amazon.
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Part of HuffPost Parenting. ©2021 BuzzFeed, Inc. All rights reserved.
With circumcision rates in the United States trending downward, there are a lot of boys being left intact being raised by fathers who were not. This naturally leads to questions on what to expect and what care needs to be given. Anxiety over this may even lead to some fathers leaning towards circumcision, when in reality caring for an uncircumcised boy isn't any more difficult than caring for a circumcised boy.
At birth the foreskin is adhered to the glans in most boys. While some boys can retract their foreskin early in life, most may not be able to retract their foreskin until their early teen years. Retraction of the foreskin should not be forced, as doing so can cause pain and bleeding, and even scaring and permanent adhesions. A boy being unable to retract his foreskin is not necessarily a indication of phimosis, and in fact in the United States the lack of frequent exposure to uncircumcised boys has lead to frequent misdiagnosis in boys. The only person who should ever retract a boy's foreskin is the boy himself.
As long as the foreskin doesn't easily retract, only the outside needs to be cleaned. If the foreskin retracts a little, the exposed portion of the glans should be cleaned with water. Do not use soap on the penis, and always gently pull the foreskin back over the glans after cleaning. As boys get older and the foreskin has completely separated and retracts easily it should be retracted fully for cleaning during each bath and/or shower. Bubble baths can cause problems, but not in every child.
As the foreskin separates from the glans throughout the early years of a boy’s life, urine can momentarily swirl around underneath the foreskin in spots where it has already separated from the glans. It is not unusual for urine to fill up these pockets between the foreskin and glans briefly during urination. This is often referred to as “ballooning” because it appears as just that: a balloon being blown up, then deflated. This is normal and nothing needs to be done, as long as the urine being passed, in fact this ballooning can speed up the separation of the foreskin from the glans.
The mesh in swimming trunks can pinch the genitals of any person who wears them. When the fabric is wet, it expands, and any loose skin can enter the holes in the mesh. Then as the fabric dries and contracts it can pinch that skin creating a painful situation. To avoid this you can cut the mesh out of swim trunks, have him wear underwear or swim briefs under swim trunks, wear swim briefs instead of trunks, or wear swim trunks that have smooth fabric in areas the genitals are exposed to.
Babies naturally touch their genitals as they are learning about their bodies. Tugging and pulling on their penis and foreskin is part of this. Tugging and pulling also starts the process of separating the foreskin from the glans. Boys know what hurts and what does not so they will not prematurely retract their foreskin. If their foreskin is separated from the glans and they do retract it, make sure it is back in place over the glans before putting a diaper back on him.
Raising An Uncircumcised Son As A Circumcised Father
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Yes, and ballooning also helps to rinse out the foreskin of any smegma.
A company called Kanvas by Katin makes "board shorts" that are swim trunks with no mesh inside.
Like with women, a good warm sit-down bath and soaking the "naughty bits" helps keep them clean and smeling good. No scrubbing or harsh treatment needed.
I had an uncircumcised student when I taught preschool and his own doctor had tried to force back his foreskin and he ended up with a very sore penis. Luckily no bad infection and he did heal. But I remember telling his mother about how sore he was when I was doing diaper changes and she was so mad at that doctor she was fit to be tied.
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Very good article!
I have a foreskin too but I can't retract it so far until I see the glans because otherwise it would hurt.
*someone* told me it is probably a problem. This same someone is a female 🙄 but she's not an urologist.
I see no problems with it at all.
If it's not broken, don't fix it.
It is a problem its called phimosis
You need to stretch it- like earlobe stretching. They sell weights online. It supposedly takes a long time but people who do it are very happy with the results.
@WifeInNeedOfAdvice yeah. Probably with some "exercise" it will do it. However i think it's no deal.
Oh ok, I always heard phimosis could be a problem- if it isn't bothersome then I wouldn't worry about it.
@WifeInNeedOfAdvice sounds good to me
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Hard to believe that uncircumcised males have been wandering the earth for many millions of years without the need for modern medical staff to correct them.
I guess nowadays circumcision is seen as abusive thus the downward trend in the US.
Not sure other countries performed circumcision as much.
Besides the USA and Israel, male circumcision is mostly practiced where FGM is practiced. Its almost as if its a barbaric outdated practice.
I don't like X Culture. The American obsession with universality.
Why what you get out of religion is just as important as what you put in
Why it’s important to think well of others - Bible Talk
My son is uncircumcised, my husband is. I have been the one training my son on how to clean himself properly to avoid infections and basically just to keep himself clean. He’s 7 and so far he has done a great job.
On the other hand, my nephew had to be circumcised at 9 years old!!! Because of an infection he got. That was a traumatic experience for the kid... so, if I had another baby boy I would circumcise him, no doubt about it.
The traumatic experience still happens even if the child can't remember it. The brain still maps the events despite the lack of concious memory.
Additionally infants can't be fully anesthetized. See here: edition.cnn.com/.../
Most infections happen because parents wash underneath the foreskin of their children with harsh soaps. This upsets the skin's PH levels and may potentially cause infection.
@FakeName123 I didn’t know (although now that I think about it it’s kinda obvious...)
@esotericstory, yes I teach my son just to clean the “inside” with water
@prettynormal
Well, now you know. Just leave boys be boys. And let them DECIDE FOR THEMSELVES once they are old enough. Any surgery needs to balance out it's risks with the benefits. And unlike in the US; pretty much all european health associations say that circumcision doesn't.
I guess there are always going to be cases where circumcision is the only way to solve a problem, but in the vast majority of situations - the majority of guus in the UK are uncircumcised - we manage OK. Foreskins become easier to move after puberty, that was certainly my experience anyway. Some have more skin than others and that can be a learning curve too. Personally, I found post-puberty that pulling it back to pee also made things cleaner and more comfortable, but we each learn for ourselves what works best I suppose.
Your son is fine. Maybe somebody ignorantly and forcefully retracted your nephew's foreskin which will cause infection.
My cousin had to have major surgery after her appendix burst, but that doesn't mean that I should remove my children's appendices to avoid that.
The vast majority of intact boys never have foreskin problems.
You did the right thing with your first son, please leave your future sons whole as well.
Think what you just said - you are happy to cut bits off a child just in case they have an incident later in life... Woudl you do the same to a girl?
I feel like people particularly mothers just be cutting it off for looks which is gross. I will not be snipping my son.
Same here. Cutting your son's genitals because you prefer the appearance is borderline incestuous and pedophiliac.
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Reading this take, I get the idea that uncircumcised is actually really unhygienic and that there are only a few who would take care of that bellow to match the hygiene of a circumcised.
Unless you've got a medical issue, ie it won't pull back properly for cleaning then being uncircumcised shouldn't be a big deal. It's just part of normal routine like keeping any other part of your body clean and can be done very easily for most of us.
People say the same thing about vaginas in countries where FGM is practiced.
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I love this! My husband is cut but didn't cut our boys so we definitely have the same situation here
It honestly is so easy to care for intact boys. My wife and I both tended to overthink things at first, but in reality we haven't had to do anything special because of it (other than buying specific swimsuits online since no store here stocked ones without net liners).
I just make them wear undies with their swim trunks so there isn't any issues
And yeah almost seems easier to take care since they dont retract till they are older
We did that with my son too, but ironically even though he's never been teased for being uncircumcised other kids teased him for wearing underwear with his swimsuit. Can't win them all I guess.
Ah my husband who is cut wears undies with swim trunks and I've noticed other guys do it to
I've found some with a nylon liner and I prefer that as it's soft and supportive, but dries out as quick as the rest of the trunks. My son has a few with no liner and a few with nylon liners.
Good for you for breaking this abusive cycle! I've also heard forced retraction is common in countries lile the U. S. where circumcision is so common doctors and daycare workers don't know how to handle foreskin. The forced retraction can lead to infection which is what gives the false notion in people's heads that "foreskin causes infections". Nonsense. People in Europe/Asia/South America have never circumcised and they're fine. Vaginas get smegma, penises get smegma. Just have good hygiene practices and smegma won't get nasty.
Unless there are complications, it's something which it's easy enough to take care of once you get to a certain age in terms of keeping it clean. It can also be pulled back to pee which is something which can also help and I learned worked best for me when a was a little older. In the majority of cases keeping it clean just becomes a normal part of everyday routine.
Just my little comment here. After having read this entire article, it makes me WISH I still had MY foreskin!!
I for the life me can’t understand why it’s so hard to clean your self. It’s not rocket repair. I have never had and issue not had a complaint.
I couldn't image that I have no foreskin I honestly forgot it till now what a nightmare
If I have a boy the foreskin is gone lol
It's really that big of a deal to some people? As if we don't have bigger issues?
What do you think of the art of sword fencing?
Ladies what are the things you want guys to do more or less of especially in relationships?
Are all the Afghani's wanting to leave Afghanistan legitimate?
Do men judge women based on their looks?
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When I first read the title, I had a hard time taking it seriously.
I'm circumcised, so is my son. No socks in this family lol
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This has been a eye opener for me. Round heads for life
It means you dnt know the charm of circum then
But Muslims are cut/circumcised penis.
Thank you for this! It was very educational
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@AbdKilani how can you clean your banana lol
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Great mytake. I'm also uncircumcised.
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Sucked Son