Sucked Son

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I knew this day would come as I had been warned by those who had gone before me. He's going to ask someday. She's going to have questions. You need to get your story straight.
06/14/2016 04:53pm EDT | Updated June 15, 2017
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I knew this day would come as I had been warned by those who had gone before me.
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You need to get your story straight.

You have to be *prepared* because you'll be caught with your pants down when the kids ask about the specifics of sex.
And, in a dark car, on the way home from dinner, it happened: my son and I had a whopper of a conversation.
While I've mostly recovered from the trauma, my friends are still reeling from the advice I gave him.
The evening started out innocently enough. After attending an event as a family, Hubby and I decided to take the kids out for dinner at one of our favorite watering holes (read: drink martinis as the kids consumed large quantities of fried foods and dessert). We spent that time talking to each other, visiting with friends who'd also gone to the restaurant and joking with our favorite bartender. It was a picture perfect moment: warm sweaters, noisy atmosphere, a family smiling together. I had no way of knowing that my son had questions brimming and he'd decided he was going to get some answers on the way home.
As we had taken two cars,my son opted to ride home with me. I should have seen this as a SIGN, people. Of what, I don't know, but I should have seen SOMETHING coming.
Once in the car, and about two seconds after I navigated the car away from the curb, he dropped a bomb on me: there was a sexting scandal at school and he was upset.
Let me repeat that: MY TWELVE YEAR OLD WAS UPSET ABOUT A SEXTING INCIDENT. Twelve. As in, they don't even have the word "teen" in their ages yet, bitchachos.
Pardon me as I try not to drive this people mover right into a tree.
While he was not involved (THANKYOUSWEETBABYJESUS), he was upset about the consequences, the children involved and the general implications that this kind of thing brings. He wondered what would happen if he received salacious texts, who he should tell, why kids would do such a thing. Heavy topics weighed on his mind and he wanted to talk about all of it. WITH ME. As I was driving heavy machinery. In the dark. Without Hubby as a back up.
I'm not going to lie: I was caught with my pants down and I swear, the deer we passed on the road did not look nearly as surprised as I did when I was driving.
But, I made a choice to keep driving, to take the longest way home possible because my tween was talking, openly talking to me about sex. I didn't know when, or if, this situation would ever present itself again. I don't know if it was the dark, country roads I slowly drove, the fact that we weren't facing each other or if the stars just magically aligned to make him open up, but it happened.
As we quieted from the sexting discussion, he coyly and shyly said, "I have one more question" and the tone of his voice made me realize I needed to brace myself.
"Well. You know. Some of the boys, they talk about this thing that involves blowing. And work. Blow work, is it? Something that is like a job and involves blowing. I don't know what that means. Can you explain that to me?".
I'M NOT GOING TO SURVIVE THE TEEN YEARS, YOU GUYS.
Here I was, in a car, being asked a specific question about a sex act from my twelve year old. In the split seconds that followed his question, I debated: do I tell him? Do I push it aside and tell him that's for grown ups? Do I pull over on the side of the road and call Hubby to take over? How hard will I have to junk punch Hubby when I get home? I honestly didn't know what to do and, as I gripped the steering wheel and tried to keep myself from driving into a cornfield, I made a decision.
I told him. I was honest and forthright. And, then it was HIM wearing the deer in the headlights expression.
As the reality of the answer set in, and, realizing these moments with tweens are fleeting, I took it one step further: I told him a committed relationship is a two way street and when you are intimate with someone, it's never one sided. If he's alone with a girl, it's to be enjoyable for both of them and it's never okay to let a girl please him solely.
I told him that if you get one, you give one. Plain and simple. Because no daughter in law of mine is going to stand in my kitchen and wonder why he's such a greedy asshole in the bedroom.
And, judging from the looks of horror on my friends' faces as I've recounted this story, I seem to be in the minority when it comes talking openly with kids about sex. I've been accused of condoning pre marital sex. I've been told I crossed a line by explaining the specifics of a sex act to my child. And, I've been told that I'm asking for trouble by telling him that his eventual girlfriend's needs are important, too. Mostly, my friends have cry laughed at the image of me driving down the street being asked about knob polishing. And, naturally, they all asked how soon I'd be blogging about my drive from hell....
But, for all the judgement, all the shocked outcry, I stand by what I told my son. I stand by my honesty and I hope, that in doing so, I've set the stage for him to want to come back to ask questions, to get good, solid answers from his father and I. And, in that moment, he trusted me with his thoughts and was open and honest with me. The least I could do was be honest right back.
Because if you get it, you give it, people.
Christine Burke is a blogger and freelance writer. Her personal blog is keeperofthefruitloops.com and she can be found on Facebook. Her latest book, "I Just Want To Be Perfect" is available on Amazon.
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Emily Yoffe, aka Dear Prudence, is on Washingtonpost.com weekly to chat live with readers. An edited transcript of this week’s chat is below. (Sign up here to get Dear Prudence delivered to your inbox each week. Read Prudie’s Slate columns here. Send questions to Prudence at prudence@slate.com.)
Emily Yoffe: Good afternoon. And if I suddenly go silent it’s not because a question was shocking, but because Pepco is my electricity provider. (We lost power four times yesterday.)
Q. Breast-Feeding Mother-in-Law: I had a baby two months ago. About two weeks ago, my husband had to go out of town for a few days, so his mother came to stay with the baby and me. One night I heard the baby crying, and heard my MIL go to him. I thought she was going to bring him to me to nurse so I stayed in bed for a while. When she didn’t bring him, I figured she was just rocking him back to sleep and went to see if she needed anything, like a bottle from the fridge. When I entered the room I saw her holding my son to her breast, letting him suckle. I was (and am) livid. I took my son back to my room and told her she had to leave first thing in the morning. I want to call the police, but my husband thinks that would be taking things too far. We’re at an impasse. Should we call the police? I’m hesitant to let her near my son again.
A: Seeing your mother-in-law turn herself into a human pacifier must have been quite a shock. Your poor infant son also must have been wondering why mom’s abundant supply was now Sahara-dry. At least you don’t say that your mother-in-law gave some cockamamie excuse that she was just trying to protect your son from the bisphenol A in his baby-bottle nipple. But the fact that this letter is about your mother-in-law’s nipple is enough to give anyone feelings of morning sickness. New parents get into all sorts of hassles with the grandparents over different styles of raising the kids. But this is the first time I’ve ever heard of a young mother having to say to her mother-in-law, “And I’d prefer you didn’t put your breast in little Jason’s mouth.” I completely understand your need to ask her to leave. But though your complaint would be a classic on the police blotter, it is not a matter for law enforcement. Your husband needs to have a very serious talk with his mother about boundaries—emotional and physical. He needs to explain that if she can’t respect and understand them, she will not have access to her grandchild. I’m also wondering if she might possibly need a mental health work-up because her behavior was just bizarre. In any case, if she keeps buttoned up, she should be allowed to have access to your son, but I understand if it’s a long time before she makes it onto the baby-sitting roster.
Dear Prudence: Woman Who Likes Wolf Whistles
Q. Violent Homophobic “Jokes”: My mom is pregnant by and engaged to marry “Chuck.” I am in college, so until this summer I’ve only heard about Chuck from my mom and my younger brother. Over the Fourth of July, Chuck and his drinking buddies hung out at our house. They made numerous homophobic jokes. The worst one, made in front of me and my brother, was when my stepdad said he’d drown the baby my mom’s pregnant with if he turned out to be a “[expletive]” If the baby is a girl and is a “[expletive]” then he’ll let his friends “straighten her out.” I was horrified by the joke and left the room. Later that evening I found my 16-year-old brother sobbing. He came out to me then and told me that Chuck frequently makes violently homophobic “jokes.” Our mom brushes off his concerns because “they’re just jokes.” Now I am scared for my brother’s sake and don’t want to return to my college town in a week. I feel like I’m abandoning my brother. I need to protect him, but there aren’t any grandparents or a dad I can turn to for help.
A: These aren’t jokes, and I understand your brother’s terror at finding himself living with this sicko. What a mess—a mother pregnant by a crude drunk and no other family members to turn to. You and your brother could try again to have a private talk with your mother about what’s going on. Explain that the things Chuck and his friends are saying and doing are deeply disturbing, and you’re concerned about the atmosphere in which all of you will have to live. It probably won’t do any good because your mother is in too deep. But do not think about not returning to college in order to protect your brother. It is crucial you continue your education. Tell your brother as hard as his family life is going to be, he also must do as well as possible in high school so that he can make a successful escape. Then promise to stay in very close touch with your brother and monitor the situation. If it becomes too intolerable, perhaps there’s an aunt or uncle who can take him in. Maybe he can live with the family of a friend. And if necessary, there is always foster care. How sad that a woman with two almost-grown children is starting over with a partner so unsuited to being a father. When the baby comes, if this unsuitability becomes ever more apparent, you should feel free to call Child Protective Services.
Update: Many readers have made the good suggestion that this brother and sister contact the Trevor Project, a crisis intervention organization for gay youth, and PFLAG, another support network. Both these groups have hotlines, and people there might be able to direct the 16-year-old to a safe, supportive place. 
Q. Newly Found Heritage: I have just discovered, through Ancestry.com, that my father’s mother and her family were black. This was proven through census records, etc. I and my children are ecstatic about this newfound information. However, my sisters are in shock and do not wish to discuss it. I’m 61 years old and am hurt that no one told me or my sisters about our bloodline. All of my aunts, uncles, and our father are all dead. I am completely positive that no one on my mother’s side of the family knew anything about this, because we are from the deep South and unfortunately there are quite a few bigoted members. How can I get my three sisters to accept their family roots or at least come to terms with it. Myself? I embrace it.
A: What you and your children should do is embrace this fascinating discovery and find out more if you’re so inclined. You may be able to contact a side of the family no one knew about. But you do not have to drag along your sisters. They’re not interested. Yes, it may be out of racism, it may be that this news is upending their understanding of their roots and they don’t wish to dig further. But their reaction, disappointing as it is, shouldn’t affect your pleasure in pursuing your ancestry.
Q. Mentally Ill Mother: A few months ago I saved two lives at personal risk (though that wasn’t on my mind at the time). The media covered the incident, and the governor kindly invited me to a state function where citizens receive commendations. The problem is my mentally ill mother, from whom I have been estranged for years. She was a terrible parent with some unholy combination of paranoia, delusional thinking, rage problems, and narcissism, and she refuses to seek help. She’s always had fantasies about being around important people, and has been contacting me through various channels demanding that I bring her to meet the governor. Aside from my personal feelings, her behavior at public functions is so inappropriate that she would either be thrown out or jailed as a safety hazard. I’ve been trying to ignore her, but her latest tactic is to threaten that she will “tell the press what a horrible daughter you are.” So now I’m entering the realm of lawyers, R.O.s, cease-and-desist orders, and the like. I’m wondering if I should just skip the ceremony—this is getting incredibly stressful, and I’m worried she’ll crash it and ruin the day for others. Any suggestions?
A: Congratulations at being recognized for your heroic acts. How wonderful to think that two people will get to live out their lives because of you. You should also get a pat on the back for overcoming a horrific childhood. Do not let your mother ruin your day. You are taking what is unfortunately necessary legal action to keep your mother out of this event and your life, so let the authorities handle this. Also warn the people coordinating the dinner that sadly your mother is mentally ill and might try to crash the event. That way security will be on the alert and should be able keep her from getting in the door. If she wants to rave to the press about you, it will be immediately apparent to any reporter that they are dealing with a delusional person and nothing will come of it. Please go to the dinner and enjoy the honor you so much deserve.
Q. Re: Brother Needs Mentoring: Prudie, that poor 16-year-old needs a safe place to talk to someone—before the sister goes home, she and the brother should head for his high school—guidance offices are often open during the summer and counselors are sometimes available—and he needs to get help as soon as possible. I doubt if mom will be either sympathetic or helpful.
A: Good idea. The authorities at the school should be alerted to this awful situation and should be ready to help extract the boy from his home. Sadly, I agree with you about mom.
Q. Overreacting: Forgive and Forget?: Last week I visited my sister and met her boyfriend for the first time. One night we went to a party, and my sister’s boyfriend drank too much. He saw my sister and I talking with one of their male friends, and he decided that my sister and the male friend were flirting. His response was to pour his full cup of beer on my sister’s head. Then he stormed off, so my sister and I had to find a ride home. My sister forgave her boyfriend quickly and has forbidden me of speaking about the “beer pour” to anyone we know. Her boyfriend isn’t remorseful, but she still seems to think this was an “out of character” reaction. I am uncomfortable because they’re both coming to visit my family in August. I don’t know if I should tell my parents what happened, because my sister would get in trouble for taking me to a party where alcohol was being served; I’m underage. Should I just drop this?
A: The issue is not your being around where alcohol was served, it’s where that alcohol went. Your sister couldn’t prevent her creep of a boyfriend from dousing her with beer; neither can she prevent you from telling your parents this alarming story. Your sister is involved with someone with an anger, jealousy, and impulse-control problem. That is important news and your parents should be made aware of this. If your sister is a young adult, there may be nothing they can do, but they can have a sympathetic talk expressing their concern and emphasizing that being abused is never OK. In the short term this might only drive her further into her boyfriend’s arms, but it’s possible another part of her will hear this important message.
Q. I Married My High-School Teacher: I’m a 34-year-old woman who recently married a wonderful 43-year-old man. The age difference doesn’t raise so many eyebrows as does the circumstance of how we met. When I was in high school, my husband was my teacher. I had a little crush on him, but he was just my teacher, I dated boys my age, and moved away for college. When I came back to our small town, we continued to run into each other every now and then. He also moved away briefly for work before returning two years ago to be near his elderly parents. That’s when we began a romantic relationship and ended up married. We’re obviously very happy, but a lot of people have made inappropriate remarks or jokes about a former teacher and student now married to each other. My husband was never attracted to me as a student. He didn’t even see me as a potential romantic partner until just before we got together. But in light of some media events involving teacher-student illicit relationships, we feel like we have to defend our relationship to others. One of his friends even said “I didn’t know you were a pedophile.” It was meant to be a joke, but I think it’s appalling. What can we say to these people?
A: If a man in his 40s marries a woman in her 30s, calling him a pedophile is obviously is meant as a joke. You may thi
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