Submissive Sexually

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Submissive Sexually

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Rebecca Reid Friday 10 Aug 2018 3:36 pm
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Until a few years ago, unless you were part of the BDSM community, submissive was just a word. 
You’d probably have thought that submissive meant meek, respectful, compliant and passive. And then 50 Shades of Grey arrived and the word took on a whole new meaning.
These days, the sexual side of the word ‘submissive’ means something else. It’s a descriptive word for a role that some people like to take during sex, role play or within their kinky relationship.
The submissive partner can be either the male or the female. It’s also possible for people to take it in turns to be the submissive one, which is known as ‘switching’.
Being submissive can be limited to during sex, when the submissive partner might be on the receiving end of masochism, bondage or other forms of domination. However, some submissive don’t limit their submission to within the bedroom, and will be a ‘lifestyle’ submissive.
Lifestyle submissive have sets of rules between themselves and their partners which govern their relationship. It might be small things such as calling your partner a term like ‘sir’ or ‘master’, it could be doing domestic labour, or it could involve spending large amounts of time naked in a cage.
Every submissive and dominant relationship is different and has different levels of intensity and different rules. It is more common to keep the dominant and submissive roles to the bedroom (or to specific periods of time) rather than living the lifestyle 24/7, as it can be difficult to sustain a relationship with an inherent imbalance, especially if you have a family.
It can be hard to understand why another person wants to be submissive if that’s not something you’re personally interested in. It’s important to try to understand and not to judge. As we have written before, there is a real difference between kinky and abusive. That difference is active consent.
Submissive relationships only work when they are based around consent. If you’re worried that a relationship has become toxic or dangerous, you should contact Relate or the National Domestic Violence hotline.

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The #MeToo movement is helping countless women speak out against sexual abuse and the power dynamics involved with it. So, it might seem wrong to encourage women to have submissive sex. After all, won’t this make matters worse for women?
Turns out that playing with power during sex is actually very empowering and something you should try – at least once!
The idea of power dynamics in sexual interactions might not seem like it relates to you.
But if you take a closer look at your current relationship, there are definite power dynamics at play. And there are either submissive partners or dominant partners when it comes to sex. Which one are you? How about your partner?
Couples can be made up of one submissive and one dominant partner. Or, two submissive partners, or two dominant partners. But in general, one person is the dominant sexual partner and the other is submissive.
Partners who perform the dominant role usually take the lead during sex. So, they initiate, guide, suggest, and are generally more assertive than their partner. On the other hand, submissive partners like to follow the lead and respond to their partner.
It’s important to remember that just because you or your partner are dominant (or submissive) in the bedroom, doesn’t mean you play those roles in the rest of your relationship – or in all areas of the relationship. And usually, you’ll find that these power dynamics just occur naturally once you’re under the sheets.
So, how do these natural power dynamics fit into submissive sex?
Submissive sex takes the natural power dynamics of dominant and submissive sex partners and places a hyper-focus on them.
So, for example, if you’re usually the submissive type, you can actually switch and take on the dominant role. Or, if you’re usually the dominant type, you can really step into your role and play out your fantasies.
In short, with submissive sex, someone holds the power and gets to command the other partner. And while you might not like that sort of thing outside of the bedroom, it can be a major turn on for both people during sex.
According to Leon F. Seltzer , Ph.D., women experience a paradox within their sexuality. He explains that “All of us appear to possess subcortical circuits for sexual dominance as well as submission.”
Therefore, even though women (and men) are capable of switching between roles, Seltzer and other researchers have found that there’s a “very complex relationship with [a woman’s] desire to be dominant or submissive.”
All this to say that if you desire to be either submissive or dominant, you should explore this. Not only is it something biologically part of the human psyche, but it’s also something that can be very exciting to explore with your partner.
It’s super important to keep in mind that not all submissive sex is made equal. After all, when one partner abuses power dynamics and takes advantage of the other person, psychological, physical and emotional harm can occur.
Therefore, it’s crucial that submissive sex be consensual and something that both partners want.
What’s more, if you already enjoy a loving and trusting relationship, it can be very arousing and satisfying.
If submissive sex is new territory for you, it might be hard to imagine why it’s empowering for women. But here are five reasons why playing with power dynamics can supercharge your femininity.
Each person is very complex, but we usually express one side of ourselves. With submissive sex, you get to tap into other areas of your personality within a safe and intimate setting.
And since submissive sex is so different from how you normally behave in everyday life, it can really enrich your experience as a woman.
Whether you decide to be the dominant or submissive partner, this type of sex can help you overcome your fear of judgment and rejection.
And there’s nothing more empowering than a fearless woman in bed.
Even though we’re encouraged to have lots of great sex, women often feel ashamed and embarrassed about sex.
Whether it’s their sexual fantasies , enjoying , or wanting to try submissive sex, it’s easy to censor yourself and stick to the normal routine in the bedroom.
But when you try submissive sex with someone you trust, it gives you and your sexual fantasies a safe place where there’s no guilt or shame.
Instead, you both bring a lot of curiosity and openness to your sexual intimacy and that can create some pretty hot and empowering experiences.
If you’re a Type A personality, or experience a lot of anxiety, or like to be in control, submissive sex can actually be extremely satisfying. Why? Because for once, you get to hand over the reigns to someone else and just enjoy.
In fact, submissive sex can give you psychological relief. The same can be true for men if they take on the submissive role.
There’s an interesting paradox when it comes to submissive sex. On the one hand, if you’re in the submissive role, it might seem like you have no control – and to a certain degree, that’s true.
But the truth is, being submissive gives you a lot of power. According to Seltzer, when women want to be submissive , it may be driven by a desire to be irresistible. In short, women want a man to not be able to control himself when it comes to sexual activities.
And as long as there are some limitations, along with mutual respect and consensual agreement, submissive sex actually feels like a type of empowerment for lots of women because their allure actually makes a man lose control.
Submissive sex may conjure up a whole list of negative and forbidden connotations. But if you decide to try it with your partner, it can actually open up a whole new world of intimacy that actually feels very empowering.
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When I first met Doug on Match.com (opens in new tab) in 2005, we were 26 and living in Washington, D.C., both recently out of serious relationships, both working long hours at jobs we loved. He had a big position with a top financial firm; I headed up public relations for a health-care nonprofit. On our first date, although we only kissed, he told me I wouldn't be the same when he was done with me. I knew he was right—I just didn't know what it meant. Neither of us did.
Doug was tall with dark hair and eyes, but it wasn't his looks that unglued me. A recent business school graduate, he was smart, confident, and witty. We'd talk for hours about politics and sports, and though he commented on how amazing our chemistry was, how amazing I was, he held back emotionally. Control. He had it, always.
We dated for a few months and had intense—if, in retrospect, vanilla—sex. There was a magnetic pull between us, only the attraction swallowed me. I became uncharacteristically needy, and it pushed him away.
Months went by after we'd broken up, but I couldn't get Doug out of my head. I began having fantasies about him like I'd never had about anyone. I wanted him to overpower me. I'd heard about BDSM—bondage and discipline, domination and submission, sadism and masochism—but didn't know much about it.
Curious about my new feelings, I did some research online. One site showed women being bound and whipped. Another showed a girl on the floor with a man standing over her asking who she belonged to. The answer: Him, of course. It all turned me on, but I felt confused. Wasn't it weird that I, a proud feminist, could enjoy something so degrading? I would never stay with a man who hurt me. So how could I enjoy this? Still, I kept exploring.
In a few clicks on another popular site, I found Doug's profile. I was initially shocked, and yet it made perfect sense. That was our connection. I messaged him: "I didn't know you had this side of you. Wink, wink."
At first, we casually texted, catching up on each other's lives. He'd finished an Ironman triathlon, and I'd started working on a business plan to venture out on my own. Our shared interest in BDSM came up slowly, in e-mails and on the phone. He'd joke about making me scream, and I'd say, confidently, "Bring it." Or he'd forward articles or videos of BDSM research he'd done.
I learned that BDSM is about more than rough sex. In a D/s (Dominant/submissive) relationship, you have to trust each other—emotionally, mentally, spiritually. While a Dominant, or "Dom," may have the "power," he can only go as far as his submissive, or "sub," will let him. It's not abuse; it's consensual. Doug would text, "How do you feel about a belt? Could you trust me to do anything to you?" Almost a year after our first date, Doug came to my house to try BDSM.
We settled on opposite sofas, and I was a fidgety, nervous mess. What if I didn't like the pain as much as the idea of it? Then Doug stood up, towering over me, and grabbed a fistful of my hair. He ordered me to perform oral sex, but that first time wasn't really about sex, it was about seeing if I'd be obedient. He used a belt, leaving welts on my back, thighs, and bottom. I could hear him pacing behind me, but I never knew when the lick of leather was coming. It hurt like hell, but I was utterly turned on. I had no control. And I loved it.
Afterward, I cried, overwhelmed by how raw it all was. We met up a couple more times for similar sessions, but then I pulled away. I was freaked out. Not by the pain, but by how intense my feelings were for him.
Nearly two years passed before I saw him again. We had both gotten married, gotten on with our lives. My husband and I renovated our house. I traveled to India and Australia with friends. And my business boomed. Meanwhile, I tried to suppress this thing between Doug and me. When Doug texted that he was moving to Boston for a big promotion, I agreed to meet him for a drink.
I told my husband, with whom I share a very honest relationship, that I was going to see an ex for closure. But as soon as Doug and I laid eyes on each other, that dark connection was still there. He walked me to my car, and we kissed. Then he told me to take off my pants. I obeyed. We were right back in it. He left for Boston with his wife the next morning. And just like that, our long-distance, extramarital D/s relationship began.
"A sub is intoxicated by the surrender—and not because he or she is weak. A sub is willing to go to a place many people do not, or cannot, go."
With 500 miles between us, we're in contact over e-mail, text, and Skype. Because BDSM is about so much more than just sex, Doug can still be my Dom from afar, focusing more on psychological control. I'll text that I'm going for a run, and he'll tell me I can't. Over Skype, he'll watch me get close to orgasm and make me stop. Or he won't speak to me because, with the distance, it's one of the only ways I can feel the sting of his decision.
We know what we're doing isn't fair to our spouses, but fortunately for me, I'm able to be honest with my husband about Doug. We went through counseling a few years ago and agreed to have an open marriage. I love my husband—and I love having sex with him, but in an entirely different way. Doug is my dark and my husband is my light. For Doug, it's not that easy. His wife has no idea about this side of him.
Recently, I flew to Boston for a long weekend when Doug's wife was out of town. He arrived at my hotel and made me sit on my knees while he spanked me with his belt. Even though we have a safe word, I've never used it. In a D/s relationship, you need to trust another human being in ways that are rarely explored. A Dom is intoxicated by someone who is willing to trust him or her that much. A su
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