Submissive Girlfriend Story

Submissive Girlfriend Story
Formerly an Emmy-nominated TV news reporter, Janie Porter is the creator of She Just Glows and (often-unshowered) stay-at-home mama to three boys 5 years old and under. Follow her on Facebook , Instagram and Twitter for more posts about less-than-perfect parenting and finding your inner glow.
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If you’re turned off by the “submissive” word in the title, trust me, I GET IT. Keep reading. (Disclaimer: I’m not a perfect wife and quite often a very crummy one. I’m also not a marriage counselor or expert on submissive marriage. I’m simply sharing what’s worked for me.)
It was nap time. I’d finally gotten all 3 boys to sleep. I collapsed onto the couch, and flipped through channels on the TV, until I landed on The Submissive Wives’ Guide to Marriage , on TLC.
I’d never heard of the show, and I was immediately intrigued. But what does it mean? It means going back to the Bible, and learning about what God says about marriage and wifehood.
The word gives me creeps. The heebie-jeebies. It makes me think of a slave or servant. A woman who doesn’t speak and doesn’t ever do anything for herself. Who lives to serve her husband, a man who must clearly be a tyrant.
The show profiles Tara Furman, a well-spoken, middle-aged, Christian wife in North Carolina. She’s in a happy, more-than-25-year marriage, and she credits it to her choice to be a submissive wife.
Does it mean she doesn’t have an opinion and lets her husband control her?
It means she focuses on being her husband’s helper, lover and supporter. And as a result, he treats her like a queen.
(In fact, I think being a submissive wife takes a very strong, confident woman.)
So about 8 weeks ago, without saying a word to my husband, I started my own submissive wife experiment. I took a few points from the show and adapted them into my own marriage.
In the show, Furman asks the viewer, “Is your dog the first person to greet your hubby when he gets home?” Think about it. Your hubby’s been working all day. He’s been gone since 7am. He fights traffic and finally gets to the front door of his home. He opens it. The dog is there to say hello, but no one else even looks up. How heartbreaking. Furman calls this process “reentry,” and every day when her husband gets home, she and their kids deposit their cell phones into a basket and greet Dad at the door. Furman also usually has dinner going and a cold beverage to greet him.
With 2 toddlers and a baby, I’m not always able to do to all of this, but I can make a point to stop whatever we’re doing when the husband gets home, get up from my seat, and physically meet him at the door with a smile and a big kiss. Sometimes, I’m nursing so I don’t stand up but I let the kids greet him at the door, and I give him a big smile and hello. One day, I thought ahead enough to get him an ice water in his favorite blue Solo cup, and had one of the boys walk it out to him at the car. Groundbreaking? No. But it made him feel special and know that we anticipated his arrival home from work.
The point isn’t that you have to have dinner ready or you have to be fake-happy when he gets home. Heck, you may work and not even be home when he gets home. The point is that, in whatever way you can communicate that your man is respected, he is the leader of the house and that the family is happy when he comes home . If you’re not home when he gets home, can you make his lunch before he goes to work in the morning, or iron the clothes he’s wearing tomorrow? However, you can communicate that you’re grateful for him. In my experience, the attitude is far more important than the action.
I’ve heard this phrase before, but it hadn’t really resonated until seeing the show. I can control my own life, the kids, the house. But when it comes to my husband, I can be content to be his helper. And, here’s what changed it for me: “just” being the helper totally takes the pressure off of me!
With 3 boys 4 and under, I have enough to worry about everyday. So now, instead of micromanaging all that my husband does too, I just let it go. And all I need to do is ask him how I can help.
For example, for years, it’s been my responsibility to manage our rental properties. Now with 3 young children to bathe, feed, change and teach, it is a huge drain to my emotional energy to manage tenants and maintenance of our properties. Rather than trying to do it all myself, I asked my husband to take over. He agreed happily. Since then, he’s been doing an excellent job, and I have the relief of knowing that he will make the best decisions for our family. I don’t need to ask him to give me the rundown of what he’s doing for the properties. All I do is ask, “Is there anything I can do to help you?” The pressure is now off me, and I don’t have to worry about it. And even if something goes wrong, I don’t have the pressure of knowing that the responsibility falls solely on my shoulders. It’s his responsibility.
For me, I’m learning that it’s more about what I don’t say, than what I do. And, I’m finding that holding back when I really want to direct or tell my husband what to do, might actually be communicating more love and respect to him than words ever could.
For example, one night we were grilling dinner, and as is usually the case, it was my job to prepare the sides in the kitchen, and my husband was going to grill the meat outside. We’d decided we wanted to eat at 5:30pm, so around 5pm, I started prepping the sweet potatoes and corn to bake inside, but I noticed my husband wasn’t starting the grill.
Rather than nag him, over and over, to start the grill. And then telling him that he never times the meat cooking correctly, I asked myself, What’s the worst that could happen? Well, the meat won’t be done until after the rest of the dinner. We might be really hungry by the time dinner starts.
Well, we can have some snacks then.
So starting that night, I made a conscious decision to not direct my husband.
Eventually, he started the grill, and we ate dinner a little later than normal, but it was fine. Since I hadn’t blown up at him, or critiqued him, it was a happy, peaceful vibe at the dinner table, and we all had fun. We even laughed! (Like, a lot.) The best part was I didn’t have to take on the role of being the “boss” of everyone in the house, as I might have previously thought I needed to. I don’t need to assume that role of being “the nagger” . The fact is, I don’t enjoy that. And, it’s not helpful to anyone.
As I continue implementing this lack of directing my husband, I’m realizing that I actually don’t need to nag. When he knows that I’m not going to be reminding him, it seems like he’s actually more likely to initiate the tasks on his own. And again, if he doesn’t, the responsibility falls squarely on his shoulders.
This happened recently when we were leaving on vacation . We were going to be staying in a beach house, which meant we had to bring almost everything with us, from shampoo to charcoal to paper plates to food. Before we left, rather than calling the shots, I asked my husband what he wanted me to do. He said he wanted me to handle the interior, and he’d take care of putting the boat on the trailer and getting the outside stuff together.
Suddenly, it became so easy. Once I knew what my job was, from him, that was all I had to worry about. And because I wasn’t nagging him to get his stuff done, he just… well, he just did it. Let me tell you, my friend. This was our very first family vacation where there wasn’t a single solitary argument, disagreement or miscommunication. We got 3 boys 4 and under (including a 5-week-old at that time) down to the beach house with all our stuff for 5 days without a single ounce of tension. It was glorious!
And it all came from me learning to take his direction, and not fighting to direct him and tell him what to do.
In the show, Furman focuses a lot on what she loves and values in her husband. And in this process, I’ve tried to start doing the same. And it turns out, it’s really helping my attitude about everything. When I focus on how hard my husband works for our family, I’m less likely to be mad when he leaves his dirty socks on the floor. When I think about how he still thinks I’m beautiful (despite 52 pounds of baby weight ), I’m not going to be annoyed that I have to take out the kitchen trash again.
As an admitted control-freak, type-A personality, this has been a huge change for me. But I simply go into each day, asking myself how I can best help my husband. And how I can show him my respect. And love.
Once I realized that I’m thankful for who my husband is, I stopped valuing him based on what he did or didn’t do. I started valuing him for the person he is .
My husband works his butt off all day, so that I can be home with our kids. My husband loves me unconditionally. When I think of it that way, why wouldn’t I want to make him feel important? He is!
Once I decided that I wanted to make my husband feel special, it just started coming out in my actions. I’d bring him his favorite peppermint tea in bed. Or, I’d pick him up some new loafers at Target, because I noticed his old ones were getting raggedy. I’d let him sleep until 8:30am on a Saturday, while I get up with the kids at 6am. Of course, with our 3 little ones, I’m not always able to do all of this. But the point is: the gratitude is there. If not in my actions, then at least in my mindset.
Alright, I’m ready for your comments and questions! Please keep the conversation constructive.
This article originally appeared at She Just Glows.
We made For Every Mom because we wanted a place online where women could experience the essentials of motherhood: Jesus, laughter, community, and really awesome parenting tips. This is a place where we’re all in it together. We may be at different stages of motherhood, but every mom is a full-time mom. And you are ALL welcome here.

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How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
Since the pandemic, my girlfriend has been living with me, so we are spending much more time together and having much more sex. While sharing everyday activities is bringing us closer together in some respects, changes in our sexual relationship are driving us apart. We had what I thought was a fun and varied sex life. We role play, act out fantasies, play with toys and suggest new things to each other. Lately, she has been wanting more and more bondage, something that I always enjoyed—and initiated—as fantasy, but am becoming uncomfortable with in reality. Previously, the most I would ever do was hold her down while penetrating her and yell threats of more to come, but she has been shopping online like mad for handcuffs and straps and e-stim toys and wanting scenarios beyond my ravishing her to my hurting her. In the past, when we used clamps, I would put them on her, but she would control the tension. Now she wants me to control the tension, but she won’t tell me when she’s had enough. Yesterday, she started crying, so I immediately stopped the tension, took the clamps off her nipples, and asked if she was OK. But rather than being grateful for my concern, she berated me for going off-script (she was a spy, and I was torturing for information). She said it was like breaking the third wall in a play, and I spoiled the game. I told her I am no longer comfortable with this, but she dismissed my concerns because she is giving consent. Doesn’t consent have to be mutual? Just because she’s willing to receive pain doesn’t mean I’m willing to administer it. I don’t mind playing a KGB agent, but I don’t want to be one in real life. I love her and I want to satisfy her but this is just too much. What can I do?
You are absolutely correct that consent needs to come from all involved parties. And that consent needs to be specific—a broad consent to BDSM in no way means that you’ve consented to the full range of BDSM activities. And my, what a range there is.
I can absolutely understand how a person might get so wrapped up in the scene that they become agitated when there’s a pause or an interruption. That’s life, though. That’s part of playing sanely and consensually. It wasn’t OK for your girlfriend to berate you for breaking character. You did the right thing—if crying hasn’t been discussed, or it’s been discussed as something you’re uncomfortable playing through, you should absolutely stop to check in or honor your own boundary.
There’s an idea in BDSM that “the submissive is always in control.” It sounds nice, and is great to help lay the fears of outsiders to rest: The submissive is the one asking for this; they can stop at any time; they dictate what they do and don’t want to do, etc. But in reality, I worry that we can sometimes lose sight of the top’s consent and agency. All fantasy scenarios aside, the dominant usually wants to please their partner. They may be motivated to go further than they’re really comfortable with out of a desire to fulfill their partner’s needs. We need to be cautious of the comfort and consent of everyone involved in a scene.
Have the two of you ever done a yes/no/maybe list? There are plenty online, or you can make your own. The idea of the list is an exhaustive catalog of sexual activities people might do together that each party can independently mark their level of interest in. You might suggest the two of you engage in this exercise as a way of getting back on the same page. Once you’ve both marked your lists, you go through them together comparing to see where you overlap and discussing in more granular detail the maybes and the noes.
Remember, you get to have noes too, and I wouldn’t engage in this kind of play again until your girlfriend strongly affirms that.
Due to a smaller-than-average penis and lack of confidence regarding it, I have struggled for years to maintain relationships, and my girlfriends and partners have all decreased the amount of sex we had, some gradually, some precipitously, with many of them cheating on me. Only one ever told me my size was the issue. As someone with anxiety and depression, I often turned to alcohol to deal with these feelings of unworthiness and loneliness; conversely, while inebriated, I often gained the confidence to negotiate fairly regular hookups, none of which turned into anything. I am also significantly overweight, further (de)emphasizing this body part. Now I am two years sober, have lost some weight, and am starting to feel good. Do I bring my penis size up with the next sex partner I have? And how?
Congratulations on getting sober and starting to feel good about your body.
I’m not sure your penis size is as much of a factor in the decrease in sexual frequency in your relationships over time as you seem to think it is. Your lack of confidence seems like a more likely culprit. And, of course, there could be factors that have absolutely nothing to do with your endowment or feelings around it.
I’m wondering if you’d feel more confident sexually if you bolstered your digital and oral skills, aspects of your sex life you can actually control. Many people get bogged down in penetrative sex and sideline oral and digital stimulation as foreplay—framing it as an appetizer or a warmup—when either can absolutely be a fantastic main event. There are plenty of books available. I suggest you start with the sexuality section of your local bookstore (or website, at the moment) and browse through a few to find one with a tone you enjoy. If you learn better from video, Nina Hartley, Jessica Drake, and Tristan Taormino all have educational series.
As for how and when to bring your penis size up with potential partners, it’s really about your comfort. If you feel supervulnerable sharing this about yourself, you might wait until you’ve developed a rapport. You might even wait until you’ve reached the point in foreplay where your underwear have come off, and mention that you’re aware of and sensitive about your size. If you want to date efficiently, and are comfortable doing so, you might bring it up as soon as the conversation turns to sex. I wouldn’t bring it up out of the blue before sexuality has been broached, as it may seem presumptive.
Remember, most of the fun parts of the vagina are within the first few inches, and hands are just as good as dicks.
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I’m not sure how it happened, but I’ve been without sex for close to 15 years. I’m a straight woman who used to have a normal sex life, and like sex a lot! I had my heart broken pretty badly, then I got really sick, and in the course of that yearslong period, didn’t have the energy or the desire to date. I also gained a lot of weight while sick.
I’ve been significantly healthier for years now, and I would love to get back out there, but I have no idea how. Dating has changed so much since my mid-20s, when I was last active, and I haven’t clicked with anyone I’ve met on a dating app. Part of me would love to have casual sex, but I’m super self-conscious about my body—I have seriously lopsided breasts and a lot of scars due to my surgical history, and that plus obesity has me doubting anyone would be interested. I also don’t know that I can go the casual sex route with complete comfort. I guess what I’m asking is, how do I dive back in? How do I find someone who might be attracted to me, and do I have to admit I haven’t been having sex for longer than I was sexually active? I’m of the age where I don’t meet many single men in the wild, and I quite literally don’t know how to do it anymore (both the meeting and the sex).
I don’t think the framing of “have to admit” is useful here. Ideally, you’re having sex with people you feel comfortable being vulnerable around, and you’re able to share your nervousness, apprehension, or worry with them. You don’t need to go into your medical history or divulge other details that you don’t want to divulge, but you should be able to communicate your emotions to your sexual partners—at least in broad strokes.
It isn’t so much that s
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