Submissive Feminist

Submissive Feminist

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This is a sampling from my personal blog, but I wanted to share it here to offer an example of the types of topics I’d like to discuss. If you like what you read, feel free to check out my blog at perspectivesonsex.com .
I am an adamant feminist, and anyone who knows me knows that I am not shy about calling people out on sexism, homophobia, and transphobia. I am also very much a submissive in my sex with men. This combination does not tend to jive well in the feminist community. I can play a dominate role, but much prefer a submissive one. I like to be spanked, have my hair pulled, sometimes tied up, blindfolded, and various things that some people might consider degrading to women (not always acts, it can sometimes just be the general tone–the way my partner communicates with me and how we interact). I prefer my male partners to take the lead (I specify this, because the majority of my sex is with men). I’ve even described it to some by saying, “I want a man who will respect me as a person and degrade me in the bedroom.” This is not every sexual encounter I have, and it’s not a requirement for me to get off. It’s just something I enjoy. My tastes vary, but that one is pretty consistent.
So why would such a passionate feminist want sex like that? Well, for me, submitting to someone, allowing him to treat me in ways I would never allow anyone to treat me in reality, is exciting. It’s also a nice change from my day to day where I am a strong, independent, take-shit-from-no-one feminist and activist.
Some feminists take issue with this concept. They often view it as women conforming to patriarchal gender norms, or an unhealthy way of dealing with sexual assault. Well, I can say with absolute certainty that I do not conform to gender norms, and more often than one might think, I do play a dominate role in the bedroom (usually when I engage in pegging). I also have been primarily a submissive since long before I was raped, so it has nothing to do with coping with trauma. It’s a kink. In a lot of ways, it is empowering, because while I am submitting and allowing a man to take control of my body and my sexual pleasure, I am also in total control. This is a very basic principal in BDSM (though my submissiveness isn’t always about BDSM, it’s just an intersectional aspect), that the sub can stop the action at any time. I am choosing to allow this to happen, and I choose what boundaries are in place. I communicate what I want to happen and what I don’t want to happen.
In an essay titled, “Submissive Scares Us (and Why She Shouldn’t)” Stacey May Fowles states, “…it’s pretty evident that the feminist movement at large is not really ready to admit that women who like to be hit, choked, tied up, and humiliated are empowered. Personally, the more I submitted sexually, the more I was able to be autonomous in my external life, the more I was able to achieve equality in my sexual and romantic partnerships, and the more genuine I felt as a human being.” This speaks volumes for how female submissives are viewed not only by feminists, but society as a whole and also illustrates that those assumptions have nothing to do with the sex itself, but sociopolitical hang ups about gender roles. She later writes, “Paradoxically, sexual submission and rape fantasy can only be acceptable in a culture that doesn’t condone them.” For any sub-dom play, there has to be boundaries of consent, or the play does not work, and can become dangerous. So for sub-dom play or rape fantasy to exist in a healthy fashion, it has to exist in an environment in which explicit consent is the most important thing and that anything less is unacceptable.
I personally do not have a rape fantasy, and not all submissives do, but they aren’t bad and they aren’t indicative of any pathology. Most sex involves some realm of fantasy, and in my mind, creating a fictional scene of non-consent can be the ultimate form of consent for some people. To give themselves over to someone else, pretending it’s something that should not be happening, while knowing that it could stop at anytime with a single word can be empowering.
I am a feminist. I do not condone the mistreatment of women in society or media. I am also a submissive and sometimes, I like to be treated like a (for lack of a better term) “dirty whore” in the bedroom.
Disclaimer: This post was written by a Feministing Community user and does not necessarily reflect the views of any Feministing columnist, editor, or executive director.
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All Feministing posts are written by the site’s collective of regular columnists and editors. Though we don’t currently accept guest submissions, we have an open platform Community site to which anyone can contribute. We often promote our favorite Community posts on the main site. And Community bloggers who consistently impress us may to be invited to become regular Feministing columnists..

How I Came to Terms With Being a Feminist Who's Submissive in Bed
Turns out, these two ideas can coexist.
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‘If He Wanted to, He Would’ Is Horrible Relationship Advice
Emma Thompson: ‘Nobody Cares About Women’s Pleasure’
Everything I Learned From The O-Man, L.A.’s Orgasm Whisperer
To revisit this article, visit My Profile, then View saved stories .
To revisit this article, select My Account, then View saved stories
The first time I asked a partner to spank me, he looked at me like I’d just suggested we eat his dog. It was an expression somewhere between shock and confusion, with a dash of disgust. I immediately regretted the words.
“Why would I do that?” he asked. Although what he really meant was, “What the hell is wrong with you?” I couldn’t answer the question he asked or the question he meant to ask, so I just stayed quiet as he explained why I should start going to therapy twice a week instead of once. I was humiliated; and not the good kind of humiliated.
Before that incident, I had been spanked before by two people I'd slept with, and in both cases, I didn’t ask to be spanked—it just happened. I realized I not only liked it, but wanted more. So much more.
Then I met someone who was really into biting—the type of biting that has you covered in bite marks and bruises for days, if not weeks. When I would scream out in pain, I realized I was also screaming out in pleasure. On top of that, he had a habit of calling me a "dirty slut," and I couldn't help but like that too.
I remained his chew toy for a few months, but the whole time I wondered what the hell was wrong with me. I wouldn’t even bring it up in therapy—I wasn’t ready to be vocal about it. There I was, a staunch feminist, who wanted to not just be called “slut” and “whore” in bed, but wanted to be degraded, tied up, used, ravaged, spanked, punished, hair-pulled—all of it.
I traveled to Paris. I met the man that I would eventually marry. In between him and the vampire, I had dated and slept with a couple of people, but I couldn’t muster the words to ask for what I wanted. It’s not easy to tell a date, somewhere between the main course and dessert, your sexual preferences—especially if you’ve yet to make peace with them yourself. But it’s also essential, at least eventually. If you’re not on the same page sexually, then a relationship can’t fully evolve.
My soon-to-be husband helped me come clean about my preferences. In intimate detail, I’d tell him all the things I wanted him to do to me and he, being of the same mindset, felt he had hit the jackpot. He was also more than willingly to participate, and in turn, the sex wasn’t just good, it was great. Though I wanted to share my sexual adventures with my friends, as we had always done in the past, I was embarrassed. Could my equally hardcore feminist friends accept this “dark” side of me? Was I the victim of a society that had indoctrinated into women’s brains that they were supposed to be submissive in the bedroom? Was that really what this was all about?
As someone who makes her living as a sex writer, I’m not naïve when it comes to sex-related topics. I know that human sexuality is complicated and fetishes, no matter how strange you or I might think them to be, actually aren’t strange at all when acted out by consenting adults. This was something I knew to be fact—but facts don’t always make a case in the human brain, at least not in my experience.
If you google “feminism and BDSM,” you’ll find that people—feminists in particular—are divided on the subject. There are those who embrace it and have written about embracing it, but then there are those who slam women who have these sexual preferences, blaming a societal attempt to “keep a woman in her place.” I wasn’t being “kept” anywhere or even being oppressed. If anything, I was being freed.
It was then that I had a breakthrough: Isn’t feminism, at its very core, not just about equality but women’s autonomy? Isn’t “my body, my choice” a major component?
Yes, it is. And I’m a feminist who likes to be degraded in bed.
I have finally made peace with this part of myself by realizing that who I am in bed is completely different from who I am outside of bed—and as an alpha woman in life, it only makes sense that I’d want to take a break from it and be submissive in the bedroom. Not that I’m trying to rationalize my preferences—I’m done with that—but it does seem like an obvious conclusion. I also know that in being verbally degraded by my partner in an intimate setting, I’m taking back those words that I would never allow someone to call me outside the bedroom. It’s not unlike role-play: I'm the "slut" who needs to be punished by the "big bad man" who wants to do the punishing. If we’re both consenting and comfortable, there isn't anything wrong with it.
When you own your sexuality, you accept all components of it. You also accept that what you consider hot AF, someone else may consider weird—and that’s fine! We’re entitled to have sex how we want and indulge (or not indulge) in certain sex acts. I know what I want in bed and I’m done trying to convince myself it goes against my feminism. In fact, there’s nothing more feminist than crawling into bed with someone, knowing exactly what you want, and putting it all there. I may love vanilla ice cream while watching movies on the couch, but when it comes to sex, I prefer swirls and cayenne peppers. Lots of them.
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