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The Daily Life of the Service Submissive

February 5, 2015

By
Tilari

Updated: February 12, 2019

Tilari has been involved in the BDSM scene for 3 years, after being directed away from the Internet cesspit of OKCupid when she found herself single after an 8-year vanilla monogamous relationship. She has walked a pathway that was far beyond her wildest dreams, filled with loyal friends, incredible partners, and dedication to lifestyle submission, particularly of the service variety. Find more of her service writings at http://www.servicesubmissive.com
Excellent program. Absolutely relationship saving - David
Things are going exceptionally well for us. We are back on board with our future plans for a family. I was SO worried that we would never work it out... but I can't explain to you how much your communication techniques saved our relationship. You are amazing and will no doubt be getting many more recommendations from me! - Kristina
From start and all the way through, Josh has worked hard with both of us to get us through what seemed the end of our marriage. As they promise, as long as you do the work and stay coachable, they will give you the tools to navigate anything!! - Paul
I was so skeptical at first, but I was desperate! I am so thankful for their patience and help to save my relationship! Much love! - Elizabeth
"If They Can Help Me, They Can Help Anyone"

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The allure of a 24/7 D/s relationship comes from erotica, porn, and listening to all sorts of stories being thrown about. There’s the talk of floggers and whips and chains, cages, running around naked, latex and leather, sex on command, and countless other kinks and fetishes.
The truth of the matter: you can certainly have all these things be a part of your daily life in a 24/7 D/s relationship. The problems arise when you assume that it’s going to be kink and sex every minute of every day. It turns out there are pesky things that get in the way like real life responsibilities and logistics. My personal D/s dynamic relationship is heavily service-oriented, and this is how a typical day goes for myself and my Captain.
I wake up in the morning, generally an hour before he does. This is possibly the truest act of service I can ever provide because dear gods do I hate mornings. I am a night owl, but my Captain needs me up in the morning, so a morning person I shall be. Not only do I need to be up in the mornings during his work week (which is thankfully condensed down to a portion of the week instead of 5 days), but I need to be on the ball and ready to provide service.
There’s a typical routine for morning he’s not heading out on business travel: waking him up with coffee prepared to his preferences, getting breakfast ready at the same time or shortly after that, opening the curtains in his room to let in sun, and handling any tidying up that may have gotten left over from the night before. It’s a lot more complicated when he’s headed out on the road for business travel, as I need to make sure that his suitcase is packed properly, in addition to my typical morning service. Once he’s up and about, I’ll make the bed quickly (since I tend to perch there with my laptop) and ramble at him about whatever. It’s pretty typical couple stuff at this point. I’ll check my service to-do list we collaborate on to figure out my schedule for the rest of the day.
After I take care of the morning stuff, I have a few hours where I’m either working (I have my own business I run from home) or hanging out in the room with my Captain while we watch videos or play video games or play. I’ll watch his coffee cup and handle refills if he needs them, provide assistance with any business related things he may need help with, such as looking up information or scanning documents, and providing snacks if needed. I also feed our cat, change out her water, and clean her litter box. If I’m not working, I will generally work on a meal plan for the next few days and prepare a grocery list.
Lunch preparation tends to be fairly quick, either involving leftovers, lunch meat, or something else that generally takes less than half an hour to prepare. If I need to go to a grocery store, I generally try to head out after lunch, as it’s within walking distance and I don’t want to try to run home as the sun is setting. I tend to take care of lunch and breakfast dishes at this time if I haven’t already gone through them in the morning. Then it’s more hanging out time, random tasks are done as needed, or free time where I’m crafting, playing with the cat, exercising, or playing video games.
Throughout the day, I’ll take plates from meals back to the kitchen, do the first of two dish washings (my kingdom for a dishwasher), check the humidors and maintain their humidity levels, handle small amounts of cleaning, do laundry if needed, and in general putz around as needed and do my work and hobbies in between. There’s actually a good amount of downtime, it’s not like I’m running around all day doing nothing but serving.
Dinner prep is more extensive since that is the more elaborate meal of the day for us, so that might take an hour or two depending on what’s going on with it. The main service challenge for me here is that we have a wonderful place with a tiny, tiny kitchen so that makes doing multiple course meals or more elaborate food options fairly difficult. Of course, it also means when we upgrade that I’m going to have all sorts of awesome developed skills that I can adapt to every size kitchen.
After dinner, we shift into our night time routine. I’ll fully make the bed since I tend to mess it up throughout the day by sitting on it, switch over to low or no caffeine tea for the drink of choice, prepare dessert or other after dinner snacks, and commence with more couple hang out time.
On paper, this routine might sound a bit mundane but the joy and fulfillment I get out of serving my Captain make it a lot more than just doing a dish here or making a meal there. It’s a way to show him how much I care about him, our dynamic, and our overall relationship.
With previous partners, especially before I got involved in the BDSM scene, being that giving of myself often got taken for granted, or rejected, because of a myriad of reasons. In my service dynamic, we are on the same page with appreciating each other’s role in service, checking in to maintain open communication on service things, and making sure that there isn’t any room for things being taken for granted. We’re both human, so there are missteps along the way, but when we acknowledge the mistakes and respond appropriately, it helps to build a solid foundation for our relationship and our dynamic. The intent behind the service is what makes the difference between service submission and simply a kinky maid service (which are also awesome in their own right).

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10 Signs of a Submissive Wife: Meaning and Characteristics
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/9403141/ https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/full/10.1177/0265407516677060 https://www.amazon.com/Games-People-Play-Eric-Berne-ebook/dp/B005C6E76U/ref=tmm_kin_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1646043287&sr=8-1 https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/0265407515574466 https://dictionary.apa.org/submission https://www.routledge.com/What-Predicts-Divorce-The-Relationship-Between-Marital-Processes-and-Marital/Gottman/p/book/9780805814026 https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/26324.Social_Intelligence

Annes passion and purpose in life are to guide people to find their own path and contentment by learning about themselves. Only then can we build and nurture the deep connections we all deserve to have. With a background in psychology and neuroscience coaching, she has helped countless couples transform their communication from aggression to assertiveness and appreciation.
She is both an ICF certified coach and mindfulness-certified, while being a counselor in training, meaning that she offers a holistic approach. You can expect to transform your view of yourself, your relationship, and the world by better understanding the habits of your mind and letting go of the unhelpful ones. You have power over your mind but you dont have to do it alone.

“What does a woman want?” So asked Freud and Mark Epstein, another contemporary psychiatrist answered,” she wants a partner who cares what she wants.” Deep down, we all want to be understood and listened to. But how does it relate to a submissive wife? What does she want?
Being submissive temporarily can be a choice, but to be called a submissive wife, you need to be the one accommodating your partner’s needs all the time. It can be a marker of under-confidence and security or other problems in the relationship.
Compromise is a part of most healthy marriages, but being submissive is different. Being submissive over a long period of time can be unhealthy for the individual and the relationship. So, let’s look at the signs of being a submissive wife and its impact on them.
Being submissive in marriage is more comparable to a boss-employee relationship. If you’re not saying what you really mean or asking for what you need, you’re denying yourself as a human being.
This is as far from healthy teams as can be experienced. Additionally, this research shows that the signs of a submissive woman are often associated with a range of psychological problems.
So, what signs can you expect from a compliant and sexually submissive wife? Overall, you’ll see someone who’s subservient and always looking to please. This usually comes with little or no autonomy, self-doubt, and powerlessness, as explained in this paper .
Of course, you also have strong women who show the characteristics of a submissive wife due to various societal and family pressures. Essentially though, they’ve decided to take on the life of a submissive wife willingly.
Their approach will be different because they’ll still ensure they get their way and what they want by operating from the sidelines. This is simply another game to live in peace and get their needs met but you’ll still see the signs of a submissive woman.
So, in this case, the signs of a submissive woman are when the partner seems in control but actually, the woman is making all the decisions. Either way, is this the way you want to play your life, based on deceit?
We all play games with people to get what we want based on our experiences, upbringing, society and any other influences we might have been subjected to. Through every human contact, we experience feelings and sensations and the idea is to keep everything in equilibrium.
Some people believe that you need the characteristics of a submissive wife to keep that equilibrium. The danger with focusing only on those signs is that you miss the big picture.
Families are a system unit and an extremely submissive wife also has needs and desires. Suppressing those completely can, and does, negatively impact children.
Psychiatrist Eric Berne calls the signs of a submissive woman the behaviors of a harried wife in his book ‘ Games People Play .’ He explains that a submissive wife or harried woman’s role is to play ten or twelve different roles ranging from mistress to mother, housemaid, cook and many more.
Berne points out that those roles often conflict and cause the wife’s stress and anguish, which only increases with time. The signs of a submissive woman gradually evolve from appearing balanced to one who breaks down from the pressures of trying to be too many people she’s not.
Of course, a submissive wife might have the energy to keep up the game her whole life. In that case, she’ll find a way to vent and find the nurture she needs as a human being.
The children are usually in the front line and can be forced to become the confidante and supporter that most women expect their husbands to be.
Some might argue that the characteristics of a submissive wife come from someone who’s self-aware and who’s willing to give way to their partner. If this is done sporadically, then this is more accurately called compromise.
On the other hand, a submissive wife who’s constantly compliant and obedient actually negatively impacts her ability to function socially, as detailed in this research . The same paper demonstrates that living the life of a submissive wife also leads to lower marital quality.
Many wives assume the role of the submissive wife under the pretext of maintaining peace and compromising for the collective good. They may do this to maintain a friendly attitude and adhere to the traditional definition of what it means to be a wife or because of a dominating husband.
If the submissive behavior is extreme and long-lasting, it can affect the happiness and confidence of the wife. Therefore, it becomes important to identify signs of a submissive wife.
Here are some of the typical external signs of a submissive wife are that she:
Mutual compromise and reasonable adjustment levels are a healthy part of all relationships. But suffocating submission at all times is harmful.
When you see someone who is submissive, check to see what’s going on below the surface though? Many imply that submission is the same as a compromise but it has to go both ways to build a healthy marriage.
‘Submissive in a relationship’ means to put your desires lower than someone else’s. And if only one partner is doing this repeatedly, that is unhealthy. You can expect to see some or all of the following characteristics of a submissive wife in her inner world.
The expectation is that you will follow your husband to meet his goals. You support his career by putting your career on hold. Overall, the signs of a submissive woman are that she follows quietly without opposition.
The signs of a submissive woman often come with passive-aggressive symptoms. Suppressing desires and opinions doesn’t make them go away.
The characteristics of a submissive wife often include indirectly sharing negative feelings. They haven’t gone anywhere just because she’s trying to comply.
To recognize a submissive wife, listen to how much she justifies serving her husband. She’ll find many so-called facts in her belief system handed down through family or religion.
Other signs of a submissive woman are that she justifies giving in as being kind to her husband. Although kindness is based on equality, submission is dependent behavior.
The characteristics of a submissive wife overlap heavily with codependence. Although, submission is more wilful. Nevertheless, the mind is denying its true nature and you’ll see reactivity and mental strain at some point.
The many signs of a submissive woman often come from low self-esteem . After all, if you believe in yourself, you wouldn’t let someone dictate how you live. So, the characteristics of a submissive wife are that she suppresses her needs and emotions.
Interestingly, some of the signs of a submissive woman come across as superficial because she’s playing a game. It comes back to the many roles expected of her. All these make the characteristics of a submissive wife in opposition to her true nature.
You can easily recognize a submissive wife from the way she holds herself with hunched shoulders and a quiet demeanor. Ultimately, a submissive wife’s characteristics make her feel like a servant who’s constantly bowing to someone else.
If you’re constantly waiting for someone to decide what you should do, your confidence will decrease with time. You’ll constantly be second-guessing yourself as you try to mind-read your partner. That’s why the signs of a submissive woman often lead to self-doubt.
A submissive wife’s role can trigger her to become manipulative in some cases. She’s still a person with wants and needs meaning that she might find more opportunistic and cunning ways to meet them.
So, you might see the characteristics of a submissive wife as someone who is smiling and charming when her husband is around. When he’s not, her guard is down and she might portray someone resentful who takes it out on her children or others around her.
Listening without saying anything is one of the common submissive wife personality traits. Their expected role is to comply and not argue back. The house will be spotless, dinner will be ready at all the right times and all this, with a silent smile.
The American Psychological Association defines submission as “compliance with or surrender to the requests, demands, or will of others.” Interestingly, the page tells you to compare the definition for dominance, including control. This naturally pairs with the characteristics of a submissive wife.
Control is not a word associated with a healthy marriage . Being submissive in marriage necessarily goes with having a dominant partner, no matter how subtle their behavior. Over time, other submissive wife personality traits will appear through the cracks.
Psychologist Dr. John Gottman, in his book ‘ What Predicts Divorce? ’ says that if we have an unmet core need, we will have an unhappy marriage . The frustration builds because the submissive wife’s rules have denied her natural desires and either the marriage or she breaks down.
The signs of a submissive woman revolve around suppressing her core needs and desires. Otherwise, we would be talking about compromise and respecting each other’s wants and goals in life.
Gottman lists seven factors for a healthy marriage, one of which is conflict management . You might assume that the submissive wife’s rules should stop all conflict and yes, on the surface, that’s potentially true. This is not managing conflict but simply ignoring one partner’s thoughts and feelings.
On the contrary, you should be listening to each other, trying to understand each other and finding common ground together. None of this points to the characteristics of a submissive wife.
To learn more about Dr. John Gottman’s notion of what it takes to maintain a happy marriage, watch this video:
Genuine rapport with mutual empathy feels good. On the flip side, a compliant and sexually submissive wife represses her desire to serve someone else. Perhaps on the surface, only the husband benefits. Then again, do men want to marry women who aren’t true to themselves?
Inside and outside the bedroom, shared attention is the baseline for strong rapport and closer connection, as psychologist Daniel Goleman explains in his book ‘ Social Intelligence .’ You also need warmth and coordination to develop a strong bond .
Of course, you can fake it through the characteristics of a submissive wife. Nevertheless, this jeopardizes the harmony of needs and motives your need for a healthy partnership . This leads to potentially disastrous mental issues or creates children with their own set of issues.
Children look to their caregivers to role model attachments and relationships. If they see one of them ignoring their needs and desires to serve someone else, they could become people-pleasers later in life.
Moreover, those children don’t learn the tools to express their own needs and emotions. This creates more submissive people who can even go over to codependency.
Instead, work to establish your boundaries and build your self-esteem to be more assertive while staying compassionate in your relationship. There’s nothing wrong with compromise as long as it’s mutual.
Conflict is how we grow and develop as a couple. Denying that by letting one person always have their way, is denying yourself the full breadth of human experience.
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