Submissive Aftercare
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Submissive Aftercare
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Before we get into BDSM aftercare, let's set the record straight about the sex practice as a whole. Yes, BDSM stands for bondage discipline and sadomasochism, but it isn't the violent and harmful sort of kink that pop culture and society have made it out to be.
"It's mostly about sensations—sensory play and or power play," explains Jenni Skyler, PhD , of The Intimacy Institute and resident sexologist for Adam and Eve. How does it work, though? Well, couples typically will start by having a conversation about the type of BDSM they'd like to try. Then, they'll make up a game plan (think: who will be dominant and who will be submissive), which includes talking about their needs, desires, and boundaries, and agree on a safe word. After that, they'll co-create a play script or ritual that works for both of them, she explains.
"In the terms of agreement, safety and consensus are key," Sklyer says. Another must? Aftercare. That literally means taking care of one another, emotionally and sometimes physically, after sex depending on what type of play occurred. Remember: BDSM can be emotionally and physically draining. Aftercare (yes, both for doms and subs!), is an important part of healthy BDSM.
Below is everything you need to know about BDSM aftercare, so that you and your partner can both get what you need from the experience.
Aftercare is the physical and/or the emotional care-taking that occurs after a sexual encounter, and more specifically a BDSM encounter. Most BDSM experiences involve adopting fantasy roles, so aftercare is the time for partners to bring each other back to reality and readopt their day-to-day roles with one another. Think of it as reseting your equilibrium, Skyler explains. Though the play portion of the experience might be over, it's not really over until the aftercare happens.
" If there's a lot of physical pain play, for instance," says Skyler, partners might want to be cuddled or wrapped in a blanket, or they might want a warm meal or water. But usually, aftercare involves reflective conversation. This is the opportunity for partners to be vulnerable with each other, debrief, and zero in on each other's emotional needs.
Oftentimes it's the submissive who needs a little extra aftercare, according to Skyler. But it's important for aftercare to go both ways. Just like it may be difficult or draining for the submissive to be in a powerless position in which they may have been blindfolded or had to beg, it might have been hard on the dominant partner to, say, yell or humiliate their partner (if that's the type of power-play that was agreed on) and adopt a nature they don't typically embrace outside of the bedroom.
Yes! BDSM kicks up a ton of adrenaline into your system and when the play is done, that adrenaline literally plummets and there's this sort of undeniable fatigue, Skyler explains, a.k.a the drop.
She compares it to running a marathon. "You get all your adrenaline going and you get to the finish line, then you kind of collapse at the end," Skyler explains. All the attention to detail, physicality, and focus built up during the play eventually has to come to an end, right? When it does, all the energy in the body will experience a significant slump. That's why aftercare is so important. These acts of self care and support will bring your body back to "normal" by reestablishing balance.
Aftercare is personal to each person, but overall, it involves anything that will simply make partners feel good. Following the all-important conversation about how the sex play made you feel, partners might do things to continue supporting one another and reset the nervous system, says Skyler.
The list of aftercare activities can look something like this:
Depends. Sometimes partners will be ready to process everything immediately following the sexual BDSM encounter, while other times, partners will need a day or two to reflect on what they liked and didn't like before talking it out. In other cases, partners might want both because they remembered something they really enjoyed about the sex play that they forgot to mention or they just want to double check on their partner.
Sometimes the aftercare follow-up involves a third party. When partners are struggling to do aftercare and reflect on what went well, what didn't go well, and find out what the right mix is together, they might want to consider bringing in another person in a therapeutic setting, Skyler explains. But ultimately she warns: "It's not smart to play, unless you know how to communicate about the play." So before you jump into your next BDSM experience, make sure you're willing to engage in aftercare. Remember: A little TLC never hurt anybody.
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If you're not already doing it after sex, you should be.
Sexual aftercare is a common (and necessary) practice within BDSM —an umbrella term encompassing bondage and discipline, domination and submission, sadism, and masochism. Aftercare is, in its simplest form, a post-sex wind-down ritual. Sex involving BDSM dynamics can be intense. Sometimes folks are extensively tied up, hit, humiliated or otherwise physically and psychologically controlled. It can be incredibly immersive, to the point where it’s important to bridge partners back into the headspace of reality.
“Aftercare is basically the care-taking that is done by all parties involved after a sexual experience [in order] to check in emotionally and physically," says certified sex educator Irma Garcia .
Aftercare rituals are different for everyone. What is key in an aftercare ritual is that one aims to address is the physical and mental well-being of their partner.
“The communication element is very important here,” says Garcia. “That’s when you find out what everyone needs to feel safe before, during and after a play session.”
We should practice aftercare to ensure our partners can happily transition from the blissful headspace of BDSM play and back into the real world. It’s important that partners feel cared for, especially because we want to avoid dom/sub drop.
Dominants and submissives go through a lot during a BDSM session. Whether it’s mental lashes, physical ones, or adherence to a strict set of protocols, all of that intensity requires a come down period. Dom/sub drop may be linked to postcoital dysphoria , which is when someone feels sadness or anxiety after sex otherwise wonderful consensual sex. Often this reaction is linked to other stressors in the outside world (a history or trauma or existing psychological distress). This means it’s important to consider what headspace you are in before you approach a scene! Sometimes a negative headspace translates during and after sex, which may not serve you in the ways you’d like.
Aftercare is important for dominant partners and submissive partners. While there is a lot of focus on aftercare for submissives, it’s also valuable for dominants to unwind. BDSM and kink activity can come with shame that is difficult to unpack, and aftercare can aid in with that transition.
Aftercare is like a bridge to a less intense mind space. “After acknowledging [dom/sub drop], if you’re ready, let it go,” says Garcia, “This can be done by presenting the opposite of what your mind is saying (i.e. if you’re thinking you’re unworthy, think the opposite). And remember that your body is working as it should; it is normal to experience hormonal drops/imbalances after experiencing to much of one thing (i.e. adrenaline rushes), so nothing is wrong with you.”
Participating in sexual aftercare isn’t just for kinky sex, though. Because aftercare functions as an intentional check-in, it can aid in the steps toward healing from sexual trauma . Many folks use BDSM as a supplement to healing .
This list isn’t all inclusive, and often, multiple of these activities are used within the same night! The goal overall is to return each other to a fair headspace, and make sure no one feels neglected or sensitive post-play.
Cuddling is known to have positive benefits on your body and your relationships , so naturally it’s a great form of aftercare as. Cuddling helps us release the hormone oxytocin, which can reduce stress and increase intimacy. Plus, cuddling is a low energy activity that can soothe a submissive on the receiving end of humiliation or impact play.
It’s important to drink water after a scene! The benefits of staying hydrated are plentiful, especially after physical activity. Some folks also like to snack on some comfort food, so keep your cupboards stocked!
While you shouldn’t be significantly injured after a session, some folks do indulge in the particularly intense. When it comes to blood and/or knife play, wounds should be disinfected and patched up. Any bruising should be iced.
Taking a nap or sleeping might be just what the doctor ordered! This works as a form of aftercare because sleeping next to your partner (especially if you’re cuddling!) is a way to foster intimacy.
The opportunity to check out and lose yourself in something like a movie is a perfect aftercare choice! Watching something lighthearted or funny can give you the warm fuzzies and push off any potential dom/sub drop.
This is a great way to do a straightforward check-in. After sex, talk about what you loved, liked and if there was anything you didn’t like. Communication is sexy! And the more you know, the more you can improve.
“What was your favorite part about the scene we just did?”
“I really enjoyed X, but I don’t think I’d want to do X again.”
“Can we go over the scene? I want to know more about what you liked and what you didn’t.”
Sometimes the answer to sex is… more sex! Kissing makes us feel closed to our partners. Having slower, more sensual sex can function as aftercare in the face of humiliation or other rough play. It can allow partners to reconnect to who they actually are and disconnect from their roles as dominant or submissive.
Performing acts of service (of the famed Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman) as aftercare can be kind and reaffirming. These are things like cooking a meal together, letting your partner cuddle up while you bring them water and blankets, or brushing each other’s hair.
Affirming your partner that they are loved, valuable and wonderful is a fantastic way to partake in aftercare. If the relationship is less serious, it’s always a good idea to praise their performance or tell them how attractive you find them.
Nothing releases tension like a long, drawn out massage. Play some music, dim the lights, and take turns massaging each other. Both parties get to feel like they’re being pampered while also winding down with some physical connection.
What’s most important is that we plan ahead of time in order to make sure our partner(s) feel safe. This planning should be part of any BDSM negotiation , which is done before all the clothes come off. It’s good to ask about aftercare when you’re discussing safety practices, determining safe words and the like. If you’re bringing up aftercare in a vanilla situation, consider simply expressing to your partner what you would like. (“Hey, after sex, can we do X to wind down?”)
Aftercare is always going to be up into the individual. Some folks might find comfort in solitude, or a long bath, or checking out into a video game. When we take care of our needs like with sexual aftercare we create better, more fulfilling sex lives.
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Aftercare is an elusive beast. Sometimes I need it and sometimes I'd rather be left alone. I'm never very sure which mood I'll be in when we begin playing but aftercare is always on standby because I take what happens in scene very hard. It goes with my very emotional self.
What exactly is aftercare? Reading some of the popular online resources will tell you that aftercare
is the attending to the emotional and physical needs once a scene is ove r. Many others will say that it's just for the bottom, which is flawed in my opinion. Aftercare is, in fact, the care given to all individuals in the scene once it is over. It is not limited to immediately after the play is over, but can last hours, days or weeks later. Oftentimes it involves reaffirming each other that everything is well, getting some food and water and taking care of possible wounds and bruises. Later, aftercare may involve comforting words while distressed, calming confusion or showing love and affection.
There is no one way to provide aftercare. It is as unique as the individual. As a submissive, you should try to learn what you need after a scene so that you can add that to your negotiations when you play with others. Do you need a blanket and some snuggle time? Perhaps candy and a water? What else might you need? Learn these things and remember to ask or at least discuss them before playing.
Why do we need to talk about it? I know many Dominants that do not provide adequate if any, aftercare unless requested. Some still will not give aftercare to a casual play partner or a party scene. In these situations, you may need to find someone else that is willing to provide you the aftercare you need to recover.
How do you know if you need aftercare? This is definitely subjective. How do you feel after a play scene? Do you need a nap or some food? Do you crave some hugs and snuggles? What about someone to lotion your aching skin? All of these things are aftercare items. Not everyone has a need for aftercare, and some only need it occasionally. Let your body and mind tell you what you need and make sure you fulfill the needs if not with the Dominant you played with, then
on your own .
Does the Dominant need aftercare? Perhaps. Ask them what you can do for them after a scene has taken place. Negotiate it before hand if possible. Dominants might not even know that they too might need some relaxation and comfort. In the least, you can offer to massage their aching shoulders or hands. They've worked hard to give you what you want or need and they will have to recover themselves.
So the next time you play with someone make sure you negotiate some aftercare if you need it or else you may be left to your own devices for that. Remember that the scene isn't necessarily over in your mind once the play is done. Take care of yourself.
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One of the things that I think many practiced people of the BDSM community pride themselves on is their ability to positively follow up sex. We like to throw around the word “after care” like it’s vernacular rather than jargon—the way that we also generally assume having a first aid kit with a pair of tuff cuts next to the condoms is a common. But the fact is that, for as important as after care is, it’s really easy to overlook or misinterpret what your aftercare routine should consist of, regardless of the scenes you’re practicing.
So, if you’re new to BDSM, feel like your aftercare routine needs some work—or even just new to sex—this list is for you.
It’s really easy to give into the temptation to just stop when both you and your partner hit your breaking points. Sex is a massive form of exercise, not just for your heart, but for your muscles as well. It’s a combination of cardio, body resistance, repetition, and sometimes weight lifting, which means that even a fifteen minute session can put your body through the ringer (and that’s excluding a number of kinky activities that can contribute to the strain you feel). The most important thing that you can do after you finish having sex, though, is to make sure you and your partner are in comfortable, neutral position.
Your muscles need to be given the chance to relax, to cool down, and to start
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