Stress Nasty Thing I

Stress Nasty Thing I

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Anxiety can make us say mean things, regrettably, no matter how nice we are. I would say that I am a nice person. Indeed, I would go as far to say that my “niceness” is often viewed as a defining characteristic to my closest friends. As far as I know myself, this isn’t just appearances. I do care deeply about people and feel a great sadness when learning about other people’s unhappiness and disappointments. I cannot bear to hear stories of loneliness and abandonment . I do not think that I have ever intended to hurt anybody or that I have ever taken pleasure in another person’s unhappiness. But I have said mean things when anxiety got the better of me.
At the time of writing, I have, touch wood, a tight reign on my mental health. I am on a medication dosage that suits me, have received counselling and cognitive behaviour therapy and have an all around good grasp on my physical and mental wellbeing. However, there has been times in my life when I have had much less control and have said things, nasty things, during times of intense anxiety and depression , that I deeply regret. I have used words that I would otherwise abhore and be greatly offended by. I have made comments about other people’s intelligence and appearance that horrify me upon reflection. I have overreacted to situations and have ended up insulting people beyond what was necessary with my words and actions.
For a long time, I wondered if these outbursts have revealed a crueller side of my personality, a side that I can usually suppress when in better health. I have felt a profound sense of guilt due to this, and a great feeling of despair that I may well never find closure or a release for this guilt. Although it is, of course, important to acknowledge when we have wronged others, it is also important to make peace with ourselves and to move on . I have found that the best way to prevent these outbursts is to figure out where they are coming from and what triggers them.
Anxiety and depression can bring about strong feelings of fear, frustration and anguish and this can lead to misunderstandings. I have gone through phases of being extremely agoraphobic, to the point where even dashing to the corner shop felt like a terrible ordeal. This has been incredibly constricting and, at times, has narrowed my life and my thoughts considerably. I have had to deal with people treating me “differently” to how they might treat a person in good mental health. This has led to me feeling hopelessly cut adrift from other people.
It isn’t always just the out and out nastiness that can hurt. Sometimes people will treat you very gently as if they are worried you might explode at any given moment. Other people will not know how to react around you. They will shift uncomfortably in their seats and shoot each other awkward, embarrassed looks. They might even actively avoid participating in conversation with you. This is to be expected in a society where mental health still isn’t spoken about enough ( What Is Stigma? ). For the most part, I do not judge people who do not know how to treat people with mental health problems . However, this logic has completely evaded me at times, causing me to lash out.
During my more anxious times, a misplaced word or look can feel loaded with intent and can send me into a panicked cycle of fear and paranoia . Of course, this is not an excuse but I feel that it is important that these crashing cycles of anxiety are understood. I have written before about how anxiety can make you very inward-looking to the point of appearing self-absorbed . Sometimes, anxiety can even blind you to the impact that your own negative behaviour can have on others.
APA Reference Banim, J.
(2016, May 3). Anxiety Can Make You Say Mean Things, HealthyPlace. Retrieved
on 2022, September 6 from https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/anxiety-schmanxiety/2016/05/how-anxiety-can-make-you-say-mean-things

Thank you… to all of you to help me see things a little more clearly.
Hurt and confusing also rules the life of a helper.
I have a husband who acts just like this. We've been married for 36 years. It feels like when things are out of his control things get worse. He is medicated for ADHD. We have 4 grown sons and when we all get together, 4 sons, 3 daughter in laws and 5 grandkids, for holidays or lake trips I am the but of all of his anger and lashing out. He constantly cleans and is mad about the smallest of things. I have a pretty even personality and this seems to make it worse for him. He will also come home from work and just loose it if anything is not perfect. I never know how to react to him. He has hurt my feelings more times that I can count and my best reaction to him is just to leave the room. He tries to suck me in to argue with him, which I do not like to do because he can say horrible things to me. He never apologizes, and I'm just stuck feeling horrible. I don't even know if her knows that he has a problem, how do I approach him about this issue? Is there medication that helps with this?
In reply to I have a husband who acts… by Anonymous (not verified)
In reply to I have a husband who acts… by Anonymous (not verified)
help him get help Im getting help and doing better im learning was to not lash out and control my thoughts its new to me only a couple weeks but its so eye opening to see yourself and understand you have a problem. if you love this person show it make them see they need help use i statements to explain how you feel when he lashes out it took me a year of someone saying you need help to finally do it. without help i was a danger to myself and others
Hi so I have this very special person in my life where we became friends then we became closer than friends. So getting to know him more, he started to tell me about his anxiety. So I had asked questions, looked up what it is( so I couldn’t judge him), and got basically the whole understanding. But as we’ve been getting closer with each other, he began to show signs of control issues. Then when we’d get into arguments, he’d say things that would hurt my feelings. It started becoming like a every week thing. Fast forward, we cut it off and got together again and the same thing would happen. So I called him out on it, and he would tell me it’s because of his anxiety. I would tell him that that’s just an excuse. But he sent me articles justifying it wasn’t. The arguing became more frequent and soon enough the rude words became heard often. Until almost every time we spoke it’d lead to an argument. Time has passed and we got into a big argument and he said something really mean and by that time I would tell him that whenever he feels anxious to calm down cause when he doesn’t he just starts to defend himself in any means necessary. So this big argument we got into, and he said something so bad that I just ended it because at that point I couldn’t take it. We would argue over the smallest things and it’s always be because he escalates it. So we just became friends after I forgave him and even then when communicating over text, the smallest thing he’d blow everything outta proportion and cause me to get mad and then he wonders why I’m mad. He says mean things and disrespects me and he doesn’t see it until I point it out. I’m tired of telling him when I’ve had enough. It’s exhausting trying to get him to apologize cause he never gets it until a day later. And by that time it’s too late. My feelings are already hurt. I just don’t know what to do when the arguments start to form because itd be over the smallest things. Do I just give up on him or continue to deal with the emotional stress everyday?
In reply to Hi so I have this very… by Anonymous (not verified)
Hi,
Your post could have been written by me verbatim.
I have learned that unless you manage to find a way to calmly withdraw from the situation without reacting or to no longer be affected when hurtful comments are made, you owe it to yourself to walk away.
In my case I feel guilty at times, guilty that I am thinking of abandoning someone whose outbursts are clearly a cry for help but in my case I ended up in a situation where for weeks on end, I would walk around in emotional agony; feel empty and depleted; and at some point you just say to yourself “enough is enough”
Anxiety is a terrible affliction; when paired with depression, it is even harder
But please remember - you are not a doormat. And you can actually not be the support to him that he may need, if you allow it to affect you this much.
What he says in moments of anxiety or depression is not a reflection on you but on him. In a way, it has absolutely nothing to do with you.
I know - easier said than done.
But you matter as much as he does and you are not a doormat. Take care of you also.
In reply to Hi so I have this very… by Anonymous (not verified)
Give up, with all due respect , going by your comments, you should give up. once you have kids, its not as easy, before then you should give up. and no need to remain friends because the thought of a relation ship will linger , and cause problems, and even if that doesn't , what happens is the person is already on a certain talking level with you , to try to turn back the clock into a more formal relationship wont work and isn't worth it.
what do I know, im a guy like what you explained, except I don't try to win an argument at any cost, but I unnecessarily argue and hurt feeling heaps. then regret it, not because I was wrong but because it didn't need to be said or I said it in a hurtful way. or I could deal with it more politically , most of the times I wasn't unjustified in what I was arguing for. no matter how much I tried to explain myself, she just wouldn't get me. I often felt demonized. She made me feel like less of a man, obviously society does that to a man as well , through expectations. I just didn't expect to get those feelings from her. I don't make excuses for my bad words, but its hard when as you are telling yourself don't dare say that, calm down, your over reacting, this is your anxiety and depression and low self esteem talking, just shush , but then at the same time you're saying mean things. its like a pressure in the head. when we are in a certain emotional state caused by a physical change, it is difficult to hold that in. ever had the runs? wether you like it or not its coming, you better sit on a toilet seat. I couldn't be myself around her , I don't blame her for not wanting me. I blame myself for not realizing that she wasn't the one for me, as much as I wasn't the one for her. And it crushed me more because we had kids together and I had to walk away, which meant my time with the kids got reduced to the point it totally ruined my emotional state and I haven't been able to pick myself up again. In other words, if you don't want to totally destroy him. quit while youre ahead
Hi Everyone,
Just wondering if anyone can give me some advice as to what I can do. I am currently in a relationship with a guy that has really bad anxiety and just like in the article he is becoming mean to me when I speak to him. He blames me for the causing his anxiety and continuously says I’m selfish whenever he has his episodes and that I want to see him suffer which is why I am creating his anxiety. I feel like I am partly to blame because I sometimes when we talk I trigger his anxiety out of nowhere (which I think why he blames me for it). The latest episode was caused by a conversation about me complaining about something my cousin did. But nothing was ever about him. I have been since checking up on him daily to see if he is alright but he just keeps saying he is angry at me and this is all my fault.
It escalated further today because he said some hurtful things when i told him I wanted us to be okay soon and I answered back telling him that it isn’t right for him to say those because he makes me feel worthless and I didnt want to fight with him. I stopped replying to his last message in fear our fight would escalate further if I say something wrong.
I am currently at a loss as to what I can do to help him. Or if there is anything I am doing wrong. I have tried counselling before since I want to understand his situation better and I was also affected greatly but it didn’t help since the counsellor just told me basically to be more religious. Mental health is not really discussed so much in the country I live in so I do not know who to approach. I want to give this relationship a chance and I want to do it properly but I do not have the tools or resources to research properly and be there for him in the right way. I have read numerous articles online already but it still isnt enough.
Hoping for someone’s advice.
Today I was in a sushi restaurant looking at a menu with my daughter. A friendly lady asked me ' Do you like spicey ?'. She and her husband then recommended a sushi roll they loved. I responded saying oh cool thanks I'll try that. I attempted more friendly dialogue feeling my usual social nervousness as usual. I noticed their faces changing from happy to offended and awkward. It really troubled me as they really looked weirded out at me, and I honestly thought 100% I was trying hard to be nice ! Later I asked my daughter... was I acting weird ? Was I doing something I'm not aware of ? Because they really seemed badly affected by me. Time and time again over the years I keep noticing people react this way to me mid conversation. My daughter said to me Dad.... your face was fine, your tone was strong with sarcasm, and I sounded unkind and condescending . I'm not kidding it's taken me 20 years, and this silly situation today for a eureka moment. I'm like oh no...... this is what I've been doing to people. This is how I treat people and act when experiencing social anxiety ! I had NO idea. I believe this is the first step to stopping this awful habit and getting better.
In reply to Today I was in a sushi… by Anonymous (not verified)
Look up AS or HFA or ND or Asperger traits.
I have this happen as well.
Being constantly berated by the individual with anxiety can feel abusive!!! When you reach your limit the person with anxiety doesn't know why your upset or what your talking about. Then blames you for misunderstanding. Please be aware the anxiety negatively affects EVERYONE
This. This was written perfectly. How do you move forward or what exercises do you do to control this behavior? I will get back on medication if I have to or back to counseling. I’m so dang tired of being like this. I have no friends anymore and the few people I do interact with I can tell they don’t like me. I’m so isolated by this anxiety it makes it worse.
I have been with my husband for 22 years , married for 11. I love him and want to make it work but it has gotten bad. He likes to call me names and make everyone feel bad. He also likes to drink and when he does it makes everything worse. A week ago I asked him to move out and get himself help. He sent me this article today. After reading it I get mixed emotions. I have tried asking him time and time again to quit drinking and be nicer. I just don’t want to walk away if it something as easy as getting on medication but I also don’t want to put myself and kids last anymore.
In reply to I have been with my husband… by Anonymous (not verified)
Forget him, he's just manipulating and abusing you. Abusive relationships always start as normal but slowly become unbearable. If he truly loved you, he would have gotten on medication and stopped being like that long ago
I am stuck and need advice. My husband has anxiety and I completely understand how it feels. I have learned from years of therapy how to think first and try to keep a clear head. He, u
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