Straight Man Dating Bisexual Woman
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Straight Man Dating Bisexual Woman
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Exploring and understanding my bisexuality has been a lifelong journey; one that came to life in the European gay bars when I lived abroad in 2019.
As I made new friends, danced to Beyoncé songs, and watched drag queens take over the stage every Tuesday night, I felt free. I was unapologetically myself, and the sweaty strangers around me loved and accepted me for it.
After returning to the US, I wanted to find my first girlfriend. I didn't expect that a few months later I would start a long-term relationship with a straight man.
With my newfound happiness came a slew of questions. Will I still be accepted in queer spaces? How will I deal with people assuming that I'm straight, simply because of my partner's gender?
Bisexual people often exist in a gray area, simultaneously ostracized by the LGBTQ+ community as not "gay enough" and heterosexual people as not "straight enough." That may explain why, according to one recent study , most bisexual people say their friends and family don't know their sexuality.
However, my "gay side" and my "straight side" do not compete. They coexist, regardless of my partner's gender.
I have learned to embrace the complexities of my identity within my relationship. Here are the lessons I've picked up along the way.
I experience straight-passing privilege. This means that most people assume I am a straight woman in a heterosexual relationship.
But that also means the erasure of my bisexuality . Several friends and family members have asked me if I'm no longer bisexual since I'm dating a man. I know they don't mean to hurt me, but these misconceptions force me to constantly prove my sexuality.
With the help of my therapist, I have learned that my discomfort about being in a straight-passing relationship doesn't invalidate the strength it took to come out or the joy I've found in queer spaces. It's normal to not always feel confident in your identity. After all, sexuality is a spectrum that changes as we evolve with it.
So, don't hide your discomfort. Use it to spark conversations with your partner. Find a solution that helps you feel secure in your identity, whether that's watching "RuPaul's Drag Race" together or going to a Pride parade.
When I started my relationship, I felt uncomfortable with the term "boyfriend." It refers to my love for my significant other, but not my love for my sexuality and how it shaped me into who I am.
For me, "partner" leaves room for ambiguity. If I mention my partner to someone I just met, they might ask what "his or her" name is or what "their" name is. It provides space to explain my relationship in my own words.
A language change is simple, but its impacts are broad. Using "partner" instead of "boyfriend" helped to ease the internal battle between my queer identity and the man that I love. It may not solve everything, but it helps me feel connected to the queer community and secure in my sexuality.
In June, I went to a gay bar for the first time since before the COVID-19 pandemic. My past experiences in LGBTQ+ bars involved dancing, drinking, and, if I was lucky, meeting a woman who felt as attracted to me as I felt towards her. This time was different.
I entered the bar as a bisexual woman in a straight relationship, unsure if I would be accepted in the same spaces that taught me to love myself and my sexuality.
Thankfully, I was wrong. I hopped between three bars in Chicago's LGBTQ+ neighborhood with my friends, one bisexual woman and two straight men. At the third bar, we chatted with a drag queen who pointed to my guy friends and joked, "These are the straight ones, right?" I realized that if my straight male friends can be welcomed in these spaces, then there's no reason why I shouldn't be.
After reflecting on that night, I discovered the internalized biphobia that hid in the corners of my mind. I believed I needed to prove my sexuality to belong in queer spaces. I was so scared of my identity being erased that I had convinced myself it already was.
But after many brain dumps in my journal and conversations with my partner, I no longer allow these fears to drag me down.
This is the most important lesson, but also the most difficult one to accept.
Dating a man has not diminished my queerness. It has helped me understand it in a different light. I am a strong bisexual woman, and being in a straight relationship with a man I love does not change that.
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Posted on August 12, 2013
- By
WisdomIsMisery
Comment Disclaimer: Comments that contain profane or derogatory language, video links or exceed 200 words will require approval by a moderator before appearing in the comment section. XOXO-MN
I am not an expert on the topic of dating bisexual women, but I have dated at least two bisexual woman before so that experience makes me about 200% more qualified to speak on this subject than some of you. Of the two, the woman I dated for the longest period (two years) had dated several women before me, and she probably dated a few women after me. Honestly, she dated a few women while we were together. I think I know all of them, but I won’t pretend like I know or care for sure. I was far less concerned about her sleeping with other women than men anyway. I bring this up because there are a lot of women who claim they are “team bisexual,” because they think it’s trendy, when in reality they’re about as likely to seriously date another woman as they are to seriously date a billy goat gruff.
For the sake of today’s post, I think we need to clarify the different types of bisexual women that exist. You see, back in the day it was simple. If a girl kissed a girl and she liked it, she legitimately liked women or was at least experimenting to discover herself. Today, women make out with other women to increase their likes on Instagram. These are truly confusing times. In my opinion, there are approximately three types of bisexual women.
Despite all the rap songs, adult films and rumors to the contrary, seriously dating a bisexual woman is really not that different than dating a heterosexual woman. When I tell people I dated a bisexual woman, they (men and women) often wonder why I would ever stop. I look at it like this: I can’t lie, it was fun, but so is a roller coaster and I don’t ride those every day. Sometimes the stability of a “normal” relationship is underrated.
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Dating is hard enough, but sometimes it can be difficult to date someone with a different sexual orientation, especially someone who's bisexual . After all, you likely haven't experienced the same lifestyle as your SO. Whether you just started dating a bisexual girl or you aren't sure which questions are appropriate to ask her, there are a few things you need to know.
Maybe you’re the one who’s experimenting. It’s tough coming out to anyone, whether you’re bisexual, gay, lesbian or pansexual. Stop trying to delegitimize her sexual orientation.
Ugh. Every bisexual person gets asked this at least once in their life. It’s like making someone choose between tacos and pizza. You couldn't possibly choose because you like both.
Just because she’s attracted to both men and women doesn’t mean she’s a light switch.
Just because she’s dating you doesn’t mean she’s suddenly “switched” her sexual orientation. Seriously, stop trying to make her something she’s not.
This might be a new concept to most people, but women don’t do things just to get attention from men and other women.
Well, she might be—not every bisexual gal is the same. Regardless, being a bisexual girl doesn’t suddenly make you fear or hate committed relationships.
Being bisexual doesn’t suddenly give her the urge to cheat. Liking both men and women doesn’t make her attracted to every single person that strolls past.
Seriously, there isn’t anything special about her past relationships, so don’t push the topic. Unless you’re at a point in your relationship where she’s comfortable talking to you about her love life and past sexcapades.
No, she isn’t secretly a lesbian who’s using you to get to your sister.
Do you ask all your SOs if they want to have a threesome? No? Then stop this.
Just stop fetishizing sexual orientations in general. OK? Thanks.
While you might think it’s flattering to say she’s just like Megan Fox or Angelina Jolie , these references get old real quick.
You don’t just choose to be bisexual, or any other sexual orientation for that matter. She might not have always known that she was bisexual. Hopefully that’s what you were trying to ask.
I mean, one of the unspoken rules of being in a monogamous relationship is to not flirt with other people, right?
Calm down, she was just ordering a macchiato. The barista isn’t a threat to your relationship.
What does a bisexual girl act like anyway?
Bisexual men and women aren’t mythical creatures. We exist, and we aren’t suddenly going to grow out of our bisexuality.
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