Stories Of Masturbation

Stories Of Masturbation

Celebs
Love
Beauty
Fashion
Body

Subscribe

Newsletter

Fans all say same thing over Stormi's first TikTok
Dua Lipa is unrecognisable with magenta hair
Megan's sweet response to ex Brian's baby news
Love Island fans react to Adam Collard's return
The best colourful glassware for your dining table

This content is imported from {embed-name}. You may be able to find the same content in another format, or you may be able to find more information, at their web site.

Paisley Gilmour
Sex & Relationships Editor
Paisley is sex & relationships editor at Cosmopolitan UK, and covers everything from sex toys, how to masturbate and sex positions, to all things LGBTQ.

This content is created and maintained by a third party, and imported onto this page to help users provide their email addresses. You may be able to find more information about this and similar content at piano.io

Advertisement - Continue Reading Below
22 best rabbit vibrators for every budget
Great cock rings to use with a partner
Advertisement - Continue Reading Below
22 silent vibrators you need in your life
Best clit sucking oral sex toys and suction toys
21 open crotch knickers for easy access
10 best lubricants for sex and masturbation
The absolute best Lovehoney sex toys

©2022 Hearst UK is the trading name of the National Magazine Company Ltd, 30 Panton Street, Leicester Square, London, SW1Y 4AJ. Registered in England 112955. All Rights Reserved.

Contact
Cookies Policy
Terms and Conditions
Complaints
Privacy Notice
Site Map
Advertising

Cookies Choices

We earn a commission for products purchased through some links in this article.

If there's one thing we've learned from this it's: lock the damn door.
Unfortunately, masturbation stories aren't always suuuper erotic and sexy. Sometimes, they're cringe and awkward as hell. Here's 11 that'll make sure you never forget to lock your bedroom door again...
"I was relatively young. I was in my parents' bathroom playing with one of those play-vet-kit-things (the ones that came with a play-syringe) I thought it was a great idea to shove the play syringe way far into myself. In the midst of me freaking out, wondering how I was going to get this motherfucker out of me, my father walks in. I screamed at the top of my lungs, he did likewise . My father ran out of the room. He never said a word to me about it, and I could not be more grateful for that." [via]
"I was 13. Dad stormed into my room to tell me that he hit two lotto numbers. When he saw me, he looked me dead in the eye and said, 'Come downstairs when you're finished,' with a completely straight face.
"We ate Nutella and peanut butter sandwiches after"
"I went downstairs expecting him to beat me down; instead, he told me about how his father caught him when he was 12 . We ate Nutella and peanut butter sandwiches after that." [via]
"Mum caught me watching porn and jacking off when I was like 13. Thankfully my back was turned and she didn't see my dick, but she saw the shitty late night TV softcore porn that I was watching . The worst part was next morning when my grandma called me and told me to, 'stop watching those evil women' or else." [via]
"When I was about 14 I would use my shower head to masturbate... I did it every day, every time I showered. One day I was apparently taking too long in the shower and my mother let herself into my bathroom (was not allowed to lock doors), pulled open the shower curtain while I was mid orgasm.
"The most embarrassing part of this was that I didn't even notice my mother staring at me because my eyes were rolled back from the pleasure . Finally, after I came, I opened my eyes and instantaneously locked eyes with my mother." [via]
"My best friend walked in on me masturbating to Justin Timberlake when he was on SNL last year... she walked in, and apparently didn't know what I was doing (I was under the blankets). I thought my guilty face said it all so I blurted out, 'I'M MASTURBATING!' She looked me dead in the eye, shrugged, and said, 'let me know when you've finished' then walked out of my room and closed the door. She got me a Justin Timberlake calendar for Christmas." [via]
"My brother walked in on me once. And by that I mean he went and found my parents' emergency spare key to my room and barged in demanding his turn with the modem.
"I spun around, cock in hand, and said, 'Fuck off, I'm having a wank', and my dad shouted up the stairs, 'Leave your brother alone when he's floggin' it'. He never barged in on me again." [via]
"My extremely religious older sister walked in on me once, I was mortified. I was lying on my back spread eagle under a blanket having a grand old time, and right before I can finish she walks in and is asking a question but when she sees me she actually screams and slams the door. Her boyfriend was in the living room so I'm guessing she told him what happened. I couldn't look at either of them for a while after that but she never came into my room uninvited ever again." [via]
"When I was 16, my mum caught me masturbating on the family computer. She walked in to let me know that my friend showed up and wanted to play Xbox. So, inadvertently, I was caught by both of them. I had just got my drivers license so my mum just said to my friend, 'he's probably just excited that he got his license... '" [via]
"I'm in the military and had just moved into a dorm. I didn't really know anyone so I was bored in my bedroom. I started drifting off and my thoughts led to sex so I eventually was horny and started rubbing one out. My fingers weren't doing enough so luckily I managed to find my vibrator and started going to town. I was really getting into it. I was about to come when I hear a gasp and an 'oh' and I see my (who I presume to be) roommate standing looking unsure what to do. She mumbles an apology and runs back into the bathroom and into her room. It took us about two weeks to actually talk to each other after that." [via]
"My dad was always nosy. One night, around 2am, he knocked on my door. My door was locked, and being the type of parent that had a good kid that never got in trouble, he assumed I was up to something.
"He called my name. I feigned sleep. He comes back with a lockpick, and the door busts open. He said, 'For God sakes, on the night of your grandmother's funeral? Show some damn respect."' [via]
"When I was a younger lass I would print out these naughty pictures so that I could fold them up and keep them as secret material for my solo lady time at night. This is like, at 11 or 12 years old. So yeah. One night I was fondling my lady bits and having a grand ol' time and my mum walks in! Naturally I tried to act like nothing was happening, shrugged it off like I was scratching my very upper thigh ... She didn't believe that crap and asked me right away to come have a chat. We sat out in the [garage] for about an hour, side by side, talking about how what I was doing was natural and understandable and it was ok to explore, etc. Mortifying!" [via]

They're embarrassing, painful, and awkward — but we've all been there.
What not to believe about masturbation.
Different strokes for different folks.
What happens if an officer just walks toward you?
Tweets are good for business, but not for readers.
Particles will collide, and everything will once again be okay.
Here are some of the best things to stare at on your wrist.
Studiocanal and some Lionsgate's films will disappear for German and Austrian customers
From 'Ms. Marvel' to 'Loki' to 'Captain America: The First Avenger,' the streaming service is superhero central.
From Fyre Fest fraud to the world's biggest art heists, tales of redemption, and murders most foul.
San Diego Comic-Con attendees will get to feast on some sweet limited edition Marvel items.
Kamala’s nani is the show’s most important character.
Stuck on 'Wordle' #387 on July 11? We're here to help with tips, clues and the answer. Spoilers within.
If you want to retire in one, make sure to live another 100 years.
Stuck on 'Wordle' #386 on July 10? We're here to help with tips, clues and the answer. Spoilers within.
Chris Hemsworth is back, but that's where the good news ends.
DoorDash glitch results in hundreds of free food orders
The biggest stories of the day delivered to your inbox.

By signing up to the Mashable newsletter you agree to receive electronic communications
from Mashable that may sometimes include advertisements or sponsored content.

Thanks for signing up. See you at your inbox!
©2021 Mashable, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
Mashable, MashBash and Mashable House are among the federally registered trademarks of Ziff Davis, LLC and may not be used by third parties without explicit permission.
This post is part of Mashable's Masturbation Week . May is National Masturbation Month, so we're celebrating by exploring the many facets of self-love.
Look, we've all been there. Sometimes, the need to pleasure yourself overrides all common sense and you're left with an incredibly embarrassing — though hopefully very entertaining -- story to share to millions of strangers on the internet.
Here are our ten favorite stories of masturbation gone wrong from the depths of Reddit. Hopefully you can't relate to any of the horrors below.
"This story isn't quite as funny as some of yours, but... One time, when I was about 12 or 13, I had the sweet idea of taking the seeds out of a cucumber, putting it in the microwave, and humping it. I was super excited about my new cucumber fleshlight. I start humping, but instead of pleasure, I felt burning. I put the cucumber in the microwave for too long. I had blisters on my shaft for several days. They were excruciating. Let me tell ya.. Gym class was a new level of hell for me."
Reddit user pizz901 shared the horrific tale:
I have epilepsy. One night I was going at it in my bed and lo and behold I have a seizure. So naturally my parents hear something and have to come in to me seizing on the bed dick out porn on the computer. Very embarrassing to have to find out from them (since I lose a bit of memory of the event and am unconscious during it). All I can say is it must have been one hell of an orgasm to make me seize (more than the usual jerky cumming movements anyway).
This story comes from Reddit user funny-chubby-awesome :
"My high school best friend, let's call her Hillary, approached me about masturbation. I was the expert on sex, as I had a bf and had gone down on him 1.5 times. I told her my technique (rub it 'til it feels good, don't stop) and she showed me that month's Cosmo. Find your best O ever - the G-spot. We read the article and she tells me she had tried with her fingers to no avail. We decide it needs to be stimulated with something more penis-like. We (mind you, we are VERY experimental 16 year old girls) decide to try it with hot-dogs that night at my house.
She comes over, I go to the fridge and find we only have SPICY KIELBASA! I show her and we decide to still try but cover them in condoms. We sit on my futon, slide our pants/undies down, throw a blanket over our laps... I remember thinking, "Am I sure I want to do this?", but I hear her, like, moaning so I....plunge ahead. IT HURTS! And it's like burning and I feel weird. At that moment my mother BURSTS in (drunk) and starts screaming at us! She insists we're doing drugs and questions the blanket over us. I finally convince her to leave and remove the sausage. Hillary hands me hers and I go to throw them in the wastebasket. That's the last thing I remember.
Hillary says I passed out and she got my mother. They called an ambulance and the EMT was grilling Hillary about what we were doing. I wasn't breathing. My mom started ranting about drugs and Hillary panicked and told them what was going on.... I wake up in the hospital to: my father (can't look at me), my mother (can't stop laughing), Hillary (in the corner, beet red), and a doctor explaining that I have a latex allergy and had broke my hyman, causing anaphylactic shock.
TL;DR: I masturbated with a condom-covered hot dog and nearly died. And my whole family found out."
Redditor Fapfapthrowaway5573 shared a horrifying tale featuring a grandma and a knife:
One time [my grandma] was staying at my house in the downstairs bedroom. My room is upstairs and the first one at the top of the stairs. I had no lights on or anything (this was before I discovered porn) and I was doing the deed. Well, my door creaks open, but for some reason I didn't think anything of it. I thought I saw a figure but I thought it was my imagination. Well, I keep doing the deed and someone shuffles in and slowly is walking around my room. I realize what is happening and I stop, only to look closer at the figure and she is HOLDING A FUCKING KNIFE. I just stay still and she leaves the same way she came but holy shit it was weird.
Tl;Dr: was masturbating in dark room when my sociopathic grandma walks in with a knife, makes a circle in my room then walks out.
A now-deleted Reddit account posted this nightmare of a masturbation story:
One time I had poison ivy but before I even realized it, I had masturbated. I woke up and my eyes were swollen shut and my vagina was covered in poison ivy. It itched so fucking bad I took a hairbrush and just went to town. You ever see those pornos where they pump the vagina up and make it all big and puffy? THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED TO MINE after scratching with a hairbrush for so long. It was disturbing and I never tell this story in real life.
Komodokid on Reddit learned the hard way to always check your surroundings:
13 yrs old in a beach town on the Mozambican coast, middle of nowhere. No tourists, not a soul, just miles of beach. I walk 30 mins down the shore for some alone time, climb up a sand dune and sit down to start my business facing the epic horizon.
5 mins in I hear someone snigger behind me.
About 30 people from the local village, mostly teens but also women and kids, are standing in a group just staring at me. All burst into peals of laughter when they see my face. I just bolt, trying to outrun the shame, but the village kids are running alongside up on the dunes, and they have no trouble keeping pace, just pissing themselves laughing and doing wank gestures.
An anonymous user on Tumblr shared this scarring story:
I was masturbating under my sheets once and my cat was in the room, I was watching porn not paying attention and next thing I feel is claws being dug into my cock, she thought I was playing a game because the sheet kept bouncing, couldn’t masturbate for a week.
Beatenpear shared a traumatizing memory on Reddit:
Back when I was like, 13 or 14, my bedroom used to be right across the hall from the bathroom, with my parent's room at the far end of the hall. I would often play a little five on one late at night and then quietly walk across the hall to the bathroom to clean up. So here's where it gets interesting, at some point at that age I was having a reoccurring problem where when I stood up I would get really light headed. (I think it was because of dehydration?) so one night at about one in the morning I started to rub one out and everything went exactly as planned until I went to clean up.
So I stood up to start my journey to the bathroom while using my phone screen as a flashlight. First step went fine, but by the second step I started to get light headed. My vision started to go black but I was halfway to the bathroom and covered in ejaculate so I made the decision to try and make it to the bathroom and then try and get my bearings back. As it turned out, that was the wrong decision. By the time I made it through the door of the bathroom my vision had gone completely black and I started to pass out and fall. I was only out for about a second, reason being I came back to conciseness when my head made contact with the toilet mid fall.
So there I was, lying on the floor of my bathroom in the middle of the night in the dark, covered in cum with my dick out, slowly coming back to conciseness when I heard my mom on the other side of the open doorway ask if I was alright. Apparently the sound of my head slamming against the toilet woke her up. All I could do was speak out a "uh... yeah..." and close the door with my foot so she didn't have to witness the disappointing sight that lied in front of her. A couple minutes passed and I was finally able to get up get back to normal.
So yeah, after that I started to drink a lot more water and be more cautious of my surroundings when I chose to "distribute some free literature".
Reddit user CultofMourning's birthday started horribly :
Woke up early on my 19th birthday and decided to pass the time with my favorite dildo. I’m under the covers, enjoying myself, when my mother busts through my bedroom door to sing me happy birthday. I moved my hands away from my genitals and just laid there while my mom sang. The lower half of my body was covered so she didn’t realize I still had the toy inside me. The whole time I’m thinking to myself, “please leave”.
Just...be careful out there, folks. Check your surroundings, use actual tools instead of cucumber, and learn from these people's mistakes!
Related Video: We revisited the trauma of watching sex scenes with our parents for your entertainment

Why Marvel's Karen Gillan Embraces Her Anxiety
Your New Must-Try: Sautéed Dandelion Toast
The Only Marathon Training Plan You'll Ever Need
Your June Horoscope: Communication Clarity

This content is created and maintained by a third party, and imported onto this page to help users provide their email addresses. You may be able to find more information about this and similar content at piano.io

Advertisement - Continue Reading Below
The 18 Best Remote-Control Vibrators Of 2022
Advertisement - Continue Reading Below
How Women Asked Their Partners To Get A Vasectomy
Sex Experts Swear By These Vibrators And Toys
14 Oral Sex Toys That Actually Feel Like A Tongue
What It Means To Identify As Demisexual
How To Be The Best Sexter They’ve Ever Had
19 Best Quiet Vibrators To Masturbate In Peace
12 Reasons Your Vagina Hurts So Damn Much

Women's Health may earn commission from the links on this page, but we only feature products we believe in.

Why trust us?

From the sexually liberating to the straight-up strange.
When you settle in for a good old-fashioned solo session, chances are it involves a trusty vibrator, a massaging shower head, or nothing but your fingers and some lube. You probably opt to fantasize about something sexy, or tune in to some choice clips from your favorite erotica to get you going. You know, standard stuff.
But all of us like to mix up our masturbation routine from time to time. Which begs the question: Have you ever masturbated somewhere not-so conventional? Say, the beach? Or maybe you've joined the mile-high club... solo?
Well, thanks to the age of oversharing on the internet (hey there, Reddit!), plenty of women are taking their craziest masturbation stories public (quite literally).
Curious about their masturbation escapades? Here nine women from Reddit reveal the craziest placed they've O'ed on their own.
"I used to work at a sporting goods store. There was a guy that worked there and every day I worked with him I just wanted to jump on top of him in the back room and have my way with him. One day, I caught a glimpse of him changing into his work shirt in the back room and his shirtless body threw me into a frenzy. About half way through the shift, I couldn't take it any more. The picture of his tight, ripped
Sex Xxxxxx
Xvideios
Wet Sex Porn

Stories Of Masturbation

Report Page