Stories Of Masturbating

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Stories Of Masturbating

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From the hilarious to the straight-up concerning.
Unfortunately, not all masturbation sessions are created equal. Sometimes you fall asleep with your hands in your pants before anything happens (just me?) and sometimes your orgasm comes out of nowhere and hits you like a shot to the heart. And other times, the whole is just plain embarrassing. Here, people share their most awks and shameful masturbation stories. Two words of warning: brace yourself.
1. "Come back from a week long camp. Decide I want to shoot as far as I can, so I edge myself for an hour or so. I shot it across the bathroom , which is about 10 feet." [via]
2. "When I was around 12 or so I used to masturbate all the time. Any chance I got I would just go to town. My sister walked in on me one time and Dora the Explorer just happened to be on TV at that moment. She still makes fun of me for 'masturbating to Dora'." [via]
3. "Right after jerking it in a [car park], a police car pulls up beside me . I assumed that the officer knew what I was up to, so I prepared for the worst. The officer assumed I was having car problems and asked if I needed help. I let him know that all was well and I was just taking a break. It wasn't a total lie." [via]
4. "My mum had to ask me why I stole her dildo. That day she learned I was bisexual. I washed it before and after every use. I also just took it from her drawer and never returned it ." [via]
5. "I was 13 and dog sitting for a family down the street. They left the dog out in back garden in the middle of the Florida Summer and the thing looked miserable. So after the third day of watching this poor pooch suffer in the heat, I tried the sliding back door and found that they left it open. I originally just intended to let the dog in and leave, but then.... I spent the rest of the week in the master bedroom in a pile of the wife's panties that I took from her underwear drawer , just furiously jacking off and shooting hot ropes of cum everywhere. I had to trash a few pairs of her underwear because they were fully glazed with spunk. I used their little bottle of red lube called Joy Jelly that I found in her drawer. After a few days of that I put all her underwear back, replaced the now two-thirds-empty bottle of lube and got the fuck out of Dodge. I'm almost positive they knew." [via]
6. "I used to be a competitive masturbator and by that I mean I had a series of friends who would duke it out any area, any time. Think of two basketball teams going at but its one-on-one instead. You couldn't break eye contact and it had to be in a sketchy area. I won when I was facing my friend Ralph in an electrical room and the buildings maintenance man walked in. I looked that little man in the face and came ." [via]
7. "One time I was eager to let my big cum load off on the floor but fell off my bed and got a bruise on my ass . I still came too - it was weird feeling." [via]
8. "Many years ago I threw my back out. I was reclining in a bathtub of scalding hot water trying to loosen it up when I got the sudden urge to fap. I had a pretty forceful orgasm, and when I did my cock was at an angle that launched the jizz on a ballistic trajectory that ended on my right cheek , just below my eye. You read that right, I came on my own face. I'm still both impressed and disgusted by that." [via]

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This post is part of Mashable's Masturbation Week . May is National Masturbation Month, so we're celebrating by exploring the many facets of self-love.
Look, we've all been there. Sometimes, the need to pleasure yourself overrides all common sense and you're left with an incredibly embarrassing — though hopefully very entertaining -- story to share to millions of strangers on the internet.
Here are our ten favorite stories of masturbation gone wrong from the depths of Reddit. Hopefully you can't relate to any of the horrors below.
"This story isn't quite as funny as some of yours, but... One time, when I was about 12 or 13, I had the sweet idea of taking the seeds out of a cucumber, putting it in the microwave, and humping it. I was super excited about my new cucumber fleshlight. I start humping, but instead of pleasure, I felt burning. I put the cucumber in the microwave for too long. I had blisters on my shaft for several days. They were excruciating. Let me tell ya.. Gym class was a new level of hell for me."
Reddit user pizz901 shared the horrific tale:
I have epilepsy. One night I was going at it in my bed and lo and behold I have a seizure. So naturally my parents hear something and have to come in to me seizing on the bed dick out porn on the computer. Very embarrassing to have to find out from them (since I lose a bit of memory of the event and am unconscious during it). All I can say is it must have been one hell of an orgasm to make me seize (more than the usual jerky cumming movements anyway).
This story comes from Reddit user funny-chubby-awesome :
"My high school best friend, let's call her Hillary, approached me about masturbation. I was the expert on sex, as I had a bf and had gone down on him 1.5 times. I told her my technique (rub it 'til it feels good, don't stop) and she showed me that month's Cosmo. Find your best O ever - the G-spot. We read the article and she tells me she had tried with her fingers to no avail. We decide it needs to be stimulated with something more penis-like. We (mind you, we are VERY experimental 16 year old girls) decide to try it with hot-dogs that night at my house.
She comes over, I go to the fridge and find we only have SPICY KIELBASA! I show her and we decide to still try but cover them in condoms. We sit on my futon, slide our pants/undies down, throw a blanket over our laps... I remember thinking, "Am I sure I want to do this?", but I hear her, like, moaning so I....plunge ahead. IT HURTS! And it's like burning and I feel weird. At that moment my mother BURSTS in (drunk) and starts screaming at us! She insists we're doing drugs and questions the blanket over us. I finally convince her to leave and remove the sausage. Hillary hands me hers and I go to throw them in the wastebasket. That's the last thing I remember.
Hillary says I passed out and she got my mother. They called an ambulance and the EMT was grilling Hillary about what we were doing. I wasn't breathing. My mom started ranting about drugs and Hillary panicked and told them what was going on.... I wake up in the hospital to: my father (can't look at me), my mother (can't stop laughing), Hillary (in the corner, beet red), and a doctor explaining that I have a latex allergy and had broke my hyman, causing anaphylactic shock.
TL;DR: I masturbated with a condom-covered hot dog and nearly died. And my whole family found out."
Redditor Fapfapthrowaway5573 shared a horrifying tale featuring a grandma and a knife:
One time [my grandma] was staying at my house in the downstairs bedroom. My room is upstairs and the first one at the top of the stairs. I had no lights on or anything (this was before I discovered porn) and I was doing the deed. Well, my door creaks open, but for some reason I didn't think anything of it. I thought I saw a figure but I thought it was my imagination. Well, I keep doing the deed and someone shuffles in and slowly is walking around my room. I realize what is happening and I stop, only to look closer at the figure and she is HOLDING A FUCKING KNIFE. I just stay still and she leaves the same way she came but holy shit it was weird.
Tl;Dr: was masturbating in dark room when my sociopathic grandma walks in with a knife, makes a circle in my room then walks out.
A now-deleted Reddit account posted this nightmare of a masturbation story:
One time I had poison ivy but before I even realized it, I had masturbated. I woke up and my eyes were swollen shut and my vagina was covered in poison ivy. It itched so fucking bad I took a hairbrush and just went to town. You ever see those pornos where they pump the vagina up and make it all big and puffy? THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED TO MINE after scratching with a hairbrush for so long. It was disturbing and I never tell this story in real life.
Komodokid on Reddit learned the hard way to always check your surroundings:
13 yrs old in a beach town on the Mozambican coast, middle of nowhere. No tourists, not a soul, just miles of beach. I walk 30 mins down the shore for some alone time, climb up a sand dune and sit down to start my business facing the epic horizon.
5 mins in I hear someone snigger behind me.
About 30 people from the local village, mostly teens but also women and kids, are standing in a group just staring at me. All burst into peals of laughter when they see my face. I just bolt, trying to outrun the shame, but the village kids are running alongside up on the dunes, and they have no trouble keeping pace, just pissing themselves laughing and doing wank gestures.
An anonymous user on Tumblr shared this scarring story:
I was masturbating under my sheets once and my cat was in the room, I was watching porn not paying attention and next thing I feel is claws being dug into my cock, she thought I was playing a game because the sheet kept bouncing, couldn’t masturbate for a week.
Beatenpear shared a traumatizing memory on Reddit:
Back when I was like, 13 or 14, my bedroom used to be right across the hall from the bathroom, with my parent's room at the far end of the hall. I would often play a little five on one late at night and then quietly walk across the hall to the bathroom to clean up. So here's where it gets interesting, at some point at that age I was having a reoccurring problem where when I stood up I would get really light headed. (I think it was because of dehydration?) so one night at about one in the morning I started to rub one out and everything went exactly as planned until I went to clean up.
So I stood up to start my journey to the bathroom while using my phone screen as a flashlight. First step went fine, but by the second step I started to get light headed. My vision started to go black but I was halfway to the bathroom and covered in ejaculate so I made the decision to try and make it to the bathroom and then try and get my bearings back. As it turned out, that was the wrong decision. By the time I made it through the door of the bathroom my vision had gone completely black and I started to pass out and fall. I was only out for about a second, reason being I came back to conciseness when my head made contact with the toilet mid fall.
So there I was, lying on the floor of my bathroom in the middle of the night in the dark, covered in cum with my dick out, slowly coming back to conciseness when I heard my mom on the other side of the open doorway ask if I was alright. Apparently the sound of my head slamming against the toilet woke her up. All I could do was speak out a "uh... yeah..." and close the door with my foot so she didn't have to witness the disappointing sight that lied in front of her. A couple minutes passed and I was finally able to get up get back to normal.
So yeah, after that I started to drink a lot more water and be more cautious of my surroundings when I chose to "distribute some free literature".
Reddit user CultofMourning's birthday started horribly :
Woke up early on my 19th birthday and decided to pass the time with my favorite dildo. I’m under the covers, enjoying myself, when my mother busts through my bedroom door to sing me happy birthday. I moved my hands away from my genitals and just laid there while my mom sang. The lower half of my body was covered so she didn’t realize I still had the toy inside me. The whole time I’m thinking to myself, “please leave”.
Just...be careful out there, folks. Check your surroundings, use actual tools instead of cucumber, and learn from these people's mistakes!
Related Video: We revisited the trauma of watching sex scenes with our parents for your entertainment






Katie Muxworthy




November 16, 2018


Body




Sat in a particularly cool school friends conservatory (cool only because his mum used to let us drink alcopops and beers from the garage fridge), 14-year-old me was about to reveal something that I was about to never live down for my 3 remaining years at Park View secondary school. One of the lads had just learned the game “I have never” from his older brother, so being the reckless and rebellious teens we thought we were, we sat round swigging our green Mickey Finns bottles and challenging each other to admit the wildest things we had ever done.
Tipsy from the sickly green acidic spirit and hot from the stares and laughter, I had, very honestly, taken a large swig from the bottle admitting to my penchant for making myself feel good.
“Girls can’t wank” screamed Johnny, whilst the girls cried “ews” and “OMGs”. My eyes burned and I thought about all the holes I would have liked to crawl into after having admitted to something that was apparently so shameful??
That was the first time I was made to feel guilt around my sexuality and from there I encountered it again and again. I didn’t admit to or talk about masturbating again until many moons later. About 8 years later, to be honest.
I knew what to do to make myself feel nice. To create a warm little explosion in my knickers. To touch myself in the places that made me go tingly and shake a bit. But I did it in the dark, under the covers or furiously in the shower, then proceeded to feel guilty about it for hours afterwards. Unfortunately, my experience is not a unique one, and finally, with the encouragement of some of my favourite feminist writers, magazines, podcasts and literature, a 22-year-old Katie started to feel more and more liberated with my own body and sexuality.
The truth is masturbation is still stigmatised, as a shameful and secretive act, especially for women, when in fact it is one of the most wonderful and healthiest forms of self-care we can do. Exploring your body and playing with yourself to work out what feels good for you has a plethora of endless benefits. Getting yourself off is proven to reduce stress, help you sleep better, improve your mental health, reduce cramps and menstrual pains, boost your confidence, enhance your serotonin and basically just make you feel fucking great . Masturbation, no matter how you do it, sex toys or classic fingers and thumbs, is nothing to feel guilty about and quite honestly is a wonderful way of spending your time.
We asked a handful of women to tell us about the first time they masturbated and what that experience was like for them.
“I was mainly worried the first time because I had no idea what I was doing so it didn’t feel particularly nice, not bad but not this great thing you read about in magazines. I didn’t see what the fuss was about. But at that age, I think I was 12, girls especially don’t talk about shit like this so I didn’t know what I was doing. I thought I was doing something wrong, to be honest. When I finally got the hang of what I was doing it was still quite scary. It’s super intense and I guess it’s quite uncomfortable until after your first orgasm. When you know what it feels like, and you know that’s how it should feel, then you can start to enjoy it.”
“I had always thought masturbating was something really bad. It actually wasn’t until I got into my first real relationship that I took the shame away from it. Sex was no longer “embarrassing” because I was doing it with someone else. The idea of exploring my own body was too scary, but when I started to feel comfortable and realised that sex felt good I was intrigued to see what I could do for myself. I was 19 when I first started touching myself. I remember stopping and starting because I was worried ghosts were watching me or someone was going to walk in. I felt strangely wrong but then liberated for it. Eventually I realised it felt too good to worry about ghosts. I just got over it”
“The first time I did it I was like 18ish maybe older and I just felt dirty like what I was doing was so wrong and disgusting and people would think I was gross if they knew. Didn’t care though. Never looked back. The more I did it to myself the more I found I actually enjoyed sex. It was almost like the whole thing of how anyone can love you until you know how to love yourself, but in a totally sexual way.”
“Strangely I don’t remember the exact age I was when I began masturbating, but I guess I was around fourteen years old. I was in the bathtub and I was using the shower for its rightful purpose, but somehow ended up directing it down between my legs. I held it there for a long time, enjoying the unusual but enjoyable sensation of water on my clit. Suddenly, overwhelming waves of pleasure made
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