Stepmom Fun
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Stepmom Fun
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Natalie
on February 15, 2016 at 10:33 am
Jenna
on February 15, 2016 at 10:40 am
Chanon
on January 11, 2018 at 4:31 am
Mel
on February 27, 2020 at 12:11 pm
I couldn’t have imagined that 3 years after marrying my husband who had 50/50 custody, we’d be moving 3000 miles away, gaining full physical custody of both boys (then 14 and 17), while mom stayed put. Nope, I did not see that one coming.
The thing with stepfamily life is you never what’s going to happen. You marry a man with kids who sees them half of the time and you assume it will always be that way. But nothing stays the same.
In my case, we moved in hopes of giving my older stepson a fresh start. So when I was faced with the move, I didn’t think twice, because I knew it needed to be done. But that didn’t mean I was prepared for it.
Going from part-time to full-time custody is one of the most difficult changes you can experience.
Some stepmoms love spending the majority of time with their stepchildren and truly miss them when they’re gone. For these stepmoms, going full-time won’t be as big a challenge – they may even welcome the change. But if you’re one of the many stepmoms who are childfree by choice and/or do the happy dance when the kids go to the other house, transition to full-time stepmom could be extremely difficult for you.
I was one of those stepmoms. Not because of anything having to do with my stepkids, but because I was childfree for a reason.
So if you’re like me in that respect, be prepared to sacrifice all of that.
As a side note, some people believe if you don’t want your own kids then you shouldn’t marry a man with them. I’d have to disagree. I’ve seen a lot of good come from my relationship with my stepkids – even though I never wanted my own.
And many women who didn’t want their own children make wonderful stepmoms. They’re caring and compassionate and can easily model a peaceful existence and healthy adult relationship for the kids – because they’re not looking to fulfill a fantasy of motherhood through their stepchildren – and it doesn’t make them jerks just because they do a celebratory dance when the kids leave.
We dance because we can finally relax .
One of the most exhausting things about having the kids all the time is that you don’t get a break from being “on.” Many stepmoms don’t feel 100% free to be themselves when the kids are home. Watching what you say, what you wear, what you do – and most of all, that feeling of being responsible for a child – these are always present.
Sure, ultimately the child is your partner’s responsibility, but I believe we have an instinct to be on alert at all times when a child is in our home.
I tried to explain this to my stepson. Him being a well-mannered and very well-behaved 16 year old, can’t understand why I feel a sense of responsibility for him when he’s home – regardless of whether or not my husband is home. But I’m always on alert. What’s he doing? Where is he? What’s that noise? Is he cleaning up after himself?
He’s the most responsible teenager I’ve ever met, and yet I still have those thoughts running through my mind, pretty much all the time.
Remember when I said everything changes? Even if you have everything planned out, even if it’s written in a custody agreement, things don’t always turn out the way you planned.
Mom’s visits that were supposed to happen every so often stopped happening.
My oldest eventually moved back when he turned 18, but my youngest loved our new home and his visits back to his mom became few and far between (negotiated between him and mom) – which meant my husband and I got even less alone time than expected. And I got even fewer breaks than I had planned on.
It became more important than ever that we carve out the time to connect as a couple.
All the preparation in the world won’t fully prepare you, because you can’t know all the road bumps you’ll encounter until they happen, but there are some things you can do ease your transition.
Try this: Go through a typical day from morning to night and think of all the situations that can occur and what challenges might pop up. For example, do the kids usually put up a fight at bedtime, dragging it out for an extended period of time, exhausting everyone? You won’t have the bandwidth to go through that every night, so this is a situation that needs to be addressed and rules enforced around it. But if your partner refuses to enforce a rule around this, then he can be the one to deal with the child while you put yourself to bed.
If the change in custody means living full time with a troubled child, for example one experiencing drug addiction or one who has mental health issues, you might find it very difficult to be around this child, finding every excuse to leave the house.
Do what you need to preserve your sanity.
Find supportive friends, see a therapist or coach who can help you manage your feelings and provide you with tools to survive this.
Your partner needs to understand that if it’s difficult for him to manage his child, it will be 1000 times harder for you . I actually got a second job just to get myself out of the house for the majority of the day.
If you have your own children, you might feel guilty that you’ve placed them in a difficult situation. Ask yourself what can you do for them.
Is it better for them to stay at the other house while you have visits with them outside the house?
And of course, never stay put if you think your stepchild is a danger to you or your kids. Depending on the severity of your situation, you may choose to live separately from your partner until he does what he needs to do with his child.
It’s not ideal, but it can save a marriage.
A change this drastic can make or break your relationship. There’s potential for separation, but also for closeness. As you know, the dynamic between you and your partner is quite different when the kids are present.
In order to preserve the romance and connectedness, you need time alone. And I’m referring to fun, stress-free time, doing things you enjoy, laughing! Even if it’s just going out to dinner once a week – it’s vital to your relationship.
It’s easy to make excuses why you can’t get alone time with your husband like you planned to. But it’s more important than ever that you stick to these commitments.
We started having my stepson go to his grandma’s house every few weeks, just so we could have one night alone. He resisted at first as he’s a homebody as much as I am, but I explained to him that all adults need alone time. And once he was there, he quite enjoyed himself and the spoils that came with it.
Aside from the fun date-night stuff, try to commit to having regularly scheduled time, just the two of you, where you can discuss the happenings of the household. Has something come up that isn’t working for you? Is conflict increasing between you two?
The goal is to stay ahead of any potential relationship wreckers.
You do this by making time for open and safe communication. Safe communication means allowing each other to speak honestly without getting defensive and instead, listening for what your partner is requesting.
What isn’t working and how can you work together to help change that?
You must give each other the benefit of doubt and trust that intentions are good.
You’re not complaining for the sake of complaining. Each of you is simply saying that something isn’t working and are asking for each other’s help in finding a solution.
If the child is moving away from the other parent, it’s important to continually encourage a relationship between them and their other parent. Remind them to call or Skype . Depending on their age, how often they contact their parent will eventually be up to them, but it’s important they know you and your partner always support that relationship.
Equally important is that the child still have alone time with the parent they’re living with. This is the perfect opportunity for you to practice your self-care and have your own alone time.
The child may also be fearful of such a huge change. It might mean a new school, new city, new friends, etc… Allow them to express their feelings without any judgement from you. Empathize with them without trying to “fix” things for them .
Consider having them see a counselor if they seem to have trouble adjusting. Sometimes they just need a safe place with a professional who can help them process their feelings.
Although going full time has the potential to be extremely stressful, it also has the potential to be a gift.
For me, the upside is that my marriage survived the turbulent time with my older stepson and now I get to enjoy my younger one. And I have to say we’ve become pretty darn close.
He shares details about his life without any prompting (what teenager does that?) and I get to watch him grow as a person by leaps and bounds.
My husband and I are teaching him how to drive and have encouraged him to get his first job, so at 16 he became certified lifeguard. He’s becoming very social, independent, has a great network of friends and is becoming an amazing young man.
While I imagine it must be difficult for his mom to hear about these milestones that are occurring in her absence, I feel incredibly lucky to be present for them.
These are memories my husband and I will have forever. These are experiences my husband and I will be looking back at with pride for years to come saying “Remember when…?”
These are the years that (I believe) are bonding my stepson and I for the rest of our lives. And for a woman who never wanted her own kids, that’s a wonderful, unexpected gift.
© 2015 Jenna Korf All Rights Reserved
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It happen to me. It was just on the weekends and holidays for us and then in what seemed like a rash decision he just took his child full time and I was not at all ready. I use to need the whole week to recover from her visit and I spend most of the weekend staying out the way and now here she was all the time. I felt like a prisoner in my own house. I use to hate the weekend because it meant she would be coming and I just wasn’t looking forward to it, I like the idea of a clean house, now nothing stays clean, the bed is never spread. She doesnt pick up after herself and leave her dirty plates all over the house! Ive talk numerous times and mothing ever changes as soon as something stupid happens with the biomom all things are back to a mess and its exhausting to keep up with. She insist on needing to sleep with her dad so we don’t even sleep in the same bed. We dont have extra money to do much because every time she goes to see her mom he has to fit the bill for it, she may as well stay home. The woman is willing to do nothing or contribute to anything. He pulled her from school and I have agreed to homeschool her with his help, no help so far and its exhausting to teach someone who doesnt want to learn. Shes addicted to video games and we live in a tiny apartment so when she gets up at 6 in thw morning to play it its like loud hell thqt shocks me out of my sleep and makes it harder for me to like her at all. And her dad can’t seem to get why I dont appreciate that, her mom is constantly tired and not able to see her so I never get a break. Its all ver exhausting, we cant even have a conversation that she doesn’t butt into. Or watch a movie together by ourselves without her needing help or just wanting her dad, I never signed for all this. Every time I talk about it he gets defensive and im not one to rock the boat bit I feel like im drowning anyways.
This has given me so much hope! Especially the last bit. Thanks for sharing
And here I was thinking that no one could know how I feel, and no one seeming to realise the difference between a 50/50 and fulltime presence, and all the guilt around my sheer inability to carry on regardless, or to accept every change and complication that comes my way as if I signed an open contract without any expectations of my own. Thank you.
This article speaks to me on so many levels. We have had full time custody for 6 years and unfortunately there is NO break as they are not allowed to see or speak to bio mom. You want to do what is right for them but at the same time you feel like tour loosing your soul. So nice to hear someone put into words exactly how I feel and know that I am not alone
Love the article. I have 6 kids between me and my husband, 2 of my own and 2 that live with me full time. Another one that comes for the weekend and another that we are trying to get custody. I got my hands full… but honestly the article is very explanatory! True true true! Nice read! Thanks!
Thank you for this. I am a full time step mom of 2 teenagers so this definitely speaks to me! Just wondering how you deal with parenting if you and your husband don’t see eye to eye on certain things like rules/chores/curfew etc. Is this something that you would leave up to him? Do you have a voice? Does he back you? I guess I struggle with this as I feel what I say/think doesn’t matter because ultimately it’s not up to me, yet I’m full time taking care of so many parent responsibilities. Would love to hear your feedback!
My step son is 12 and moving in full time august 21. I just now today found out he is watching porn on his Xbox when he comes over. I’m disgusted & heartbroken and feel awkward. I’m not looking forward to this change and to having him live here full time. I’ve restricted his Xbox wish I knew to do that sooner.
This is very helpful… thank you! I’ve been a stepmom for 11 years. They were 6 & 8 when I started and are now 17 &19. They always lived halfway across the country, so we only had them over summer and a few other weeks during the year. I now have my own kids, but 3 years ago, one month after my son was born, and when my daughter was 4, the then 14 year old called her dad and begged for him to come get her. So, in a matter of a month, I went from having just a 4 year old to having a 4 year old, a newborn and a very disfunctional 14 year old. It was AWFUL. Honestly, it still is. At first I thought it was just a switch; that she would now go back to her moms all summer, and for a few weeks each year. Absolutely not the case… she wants nothing to do with her other side and has only left once in 3 years. It has come between my husband and I in such a way, that I don’t know if we will ever recover. Especially since all three kids have been home since March 2020 because of Covid. I had to stop working to be with them, and I’m now numb on the inside. My soul feels dead. I can’t stand anyone except my own two kids. I don’t want any physical contact from anyone else, ever. It really sucks. I know a weekly date would be good with my husband, but the thought makes me cringe. It all breaks my heart so much.
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