Stepfather Teaches Stepdaughter Adulthood

Stepfather Teaches Stepdaughter Adulthood

The Effective Stepfather: A Checklist to Live By

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Anyone who has been a father and then a stepfather knows that they aren’t the same. While many aspects of these two roles are similar, it is the unique ones that lead to disillusionment. Franklin put it this way:
“I’ve been to every Promise Keepers conference and I’ve studied fathering with my men’s group many times. But nothing has prepared me for being a stepfather . With my own kids I have a natural leadership authority that allows me to teach them and be directive. With my stepchildren I constantly feel like I’m one step behind, like I have to establish myself each time I engage them.”
Stepfathering can be challenging. Perhaps that’s why many stepfathers disconnect from their stepchildren emotionally and withdraw from daily responsibilities. The unmapped territory seems to have many land mines and it’s easier to just retreat than to engage the “enemy.” But stepfathers can have profound and important leadership roles with stepchildren. Like Joseph, who wasn’t Jesus’ biological parent, stepfathers can offer guidance, love, and encouragement to the children under their care. Here’s a map for the territory and some practical action points for stepfathers.
All stepparents need to understand the emotional climate of their stepchildren. Stepfathers are no different. For example, being aware of the child’s emotional wounds and hurts from past losses is vital to coping with the sometimes angry or oppositional attitudes of children in stepfamilies.
It is also very important that stepfathers recognize that gaining respect and leadership from stepchildren is a process; you earn the right to lead by developing trust and connection with stepchildren. You must be willing, for example, to enter the child’s life as an “outsider” who slowly finds acceptance, at the child’s pace. For many men it is very disturbing to realize that their stepchildren get to determine the pace at which they find acceptance in the family. And it’s true—you don’t get to control your parental status—the children do. They will open their heart to you when they are ready. Until then, you must cope with feeling out-of-control and find ways to work within the system as it is. Here are some tools that might help.
There are two kinds of influence (or power) in relationships: 1) positional power and 2) relational power. Initially as a stepfather you have positional power because you are an adult in the house who is married to the children’s mother. Much like a teacher at school, you have positional power. As your relationship with the children grows, often over a period of years, you gain relational power because they now care about you personally. Your opinions matters more, your validation is sought after, and your warm embrace feels safe.
In the beginning, when limited to positional power, effective stepfathers provide indirect leadership in their home by leading through their wife, who holds a great deal of relational power with the children. Work with her behind the scenes to establish boundaries, expectations, and the values that will govern your home. While she might be the one to communicate the values and hand down discipline, you can still be very responsible to set a godly tone for the family.
Articulate your commitment to your stepchildren’s mother. Keep in mind, however, that early on this won’t necessarily be considered a positive by your stepchildren. In fact, they may be threatened by it. Children who hold a strong fantasy that their parents will reconcile can find your commitment a barrier to life as they would have it. Additionally, mom’s remarriage (whether following a death or divorce) is often perceived as another loss to children, not a gain (as you see it). Be patient with their adjustment to your marriage, but communicate your commitment to the permanency of the marriage nevertheless.
It’s important to verbalize your understanding of your role. Children need to hear that you know that you’re not their dad and won’t try to take his place. Communicating that same understanding to their father is also very helpful to him; hopefully this will help him to not fear your involvement with his kids. As his fear decreases, his cooperative spirit about your presence may increase. Finally, tell your stepkids that you are looking forward to your growing relationship and that you know how awkward that can be for the child. Let them know that if they feel stuck between you and their dad, they can make you aware of it and it won’t hurt your feelings.
Many stepfathers discover that sharing faith matters is, in addition to spiritual training for the child, a good way to connect emotionally. Processing the moral content of a TV program or “thinking out loud” about your decision not to spend money on a bigger fishing boat helps children see your character and learn important spiritual values at the same time. Show them you are a person worthy of respect and they’ll eventually give you respect.
As a therapist I always know I’m going to have a tough time helping a family when the stepfather is defensive and easily hurt by the typical reactions of stepchildren. Part of being approachable and accessible to stepchildren is knowing that not everything is about you. In fact, most of kid’s negative reactions to stepparents are really about the child’s losses (stepparents just happen to be the easy target for child’s heartache). Until you have worked through the struggles of building a relationship, most of what a kid throws at you is a test of your character. Show yourself not easily offended and able to deal with their emotional ups and downs. This will make it more likely that they see you as someone they can trust.
If you want to win someone’s heart, give them a thousand compliments (even when they aren’t asking for it). Showing appreciation is the quickest way to build someone up and help them to feel comfortable in your presence. By contrast, be cautious with criticism. Words of affirmation go along way to engendering safety and closeness.
Find time to be with your stepchildren, but do so with wisdom. If a child is not welcoming of your presence, join their life at a distance. This means taking them to their soccer game and cheering from the sidelines, but not being too much of a coach. It also means knowing what’s important to them and gently inquiring with interest: “You studied for three hours last night for that science exam. How did it go?” “I know you’ve got a big date this Friday. I noticed a concert in the paper today that you might consider attending. I think she’d like this, but it’s your call whether you go.”
Also, if you say you’re going to be somewhere, be there. Don’t disappoint a child who is deciding whether to let you in their heart or not.
As your relationship grows, you can spend one-on-one time with the child, go on special retreats together, and serve side-by-side in your church’s summer work camp. Focused time will deepen the trust and emotional bond in your relationship.
Children are quick to forgive biological parents when they make mistakes (and we all do). But they aren’t as forgiving of stepparents. When stress and conflict arise (and they will!) make sure you manage yourself well. The child’s assessment of your character won’t include how they contributed to the conflict, even if they intentionally “pushed you.” All they will see is an angry person. Keep in mind that one task for children is to determine whether loving their stepfather is worth the risk. Give them every reason to believe it is.
This, of course, does not mean that you can’t ever get angry or stressed. But it does mean that you manage your emotions and not overreact toward the child or their mother. Communicate through your actions that it is safe for the child to be vulnerable around you and you’ll notice them softening with time.
Ron L. Deal is Founder and President of Successful Stepfamilies and author of The Smart Stepdad: Steps to Help You Succeed . He conducts seminars throughout the country for stepfamilies and ministry leaders. He is a licensed marriage and family therapist and has appeared on a variety of national TV and radio programs such as Focus on the Family.
Join Dr. Ken Canfield and a handful of friends and partners as we give an update about our efforts to inspire and equip fathers all over the world.
There may be no more important work than turning the hearts of fathers to their children, and that’s what this is all about. We’re seeking to repair, rebuild and restore effective fathering for the benefit of children and families everywhere.
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I was looking for confession post for stepdaughters. I want to know if I’m the only one to feel like this. I’m 16 years old and I live with my mom and her husband. All I do now is fantasize about him. It started out one night when I fell asleep on there bed watching tv. I remember waking up and noticed that my shorts and my underwear were pulled down to my thighs and I turned to look at my stepdad and he was laying there naked and I noticed he had a b**** . I got up and went to my room. The next day we acted like nothing happened and I didn’t want to tell my mom. One weekend, I happened to walk toward there room and I saw him standing there naked and I noticed he had some of my panties laying on his bed. I froze and just stood there watching him. I could hear him talking dirty saying my name. When I went back to my room I layed in bed thinking and for some reason i felt good, I felt wanted. A few days passed by and I remember he got home really late and I knew he was drunk. After a few minutes I heard him walk into my room and I pretended to be asleep. I felt how he pulled off my blanket slowly. At first he was just rubbing his hand on my butt. I then felt how he was pulling down my pjs and my underwear trying not to wake me up. I thought he was just going to pull them down like last time but I felt my underwear by my ankle and then I didn’t feel them. He took them off. I could hear him sniffing them talking dirty again saying my name. I peeked with one eye and I saw him completely naked taking off his boxers. I felt as he got on my bed and instantly felt how hard his p**** was because he put it on my butt. He never realized I was awake. When he grabbed his p**** I felt him rubbing it back and forth between my legs. I felt so h**** , I could feel how wet I was. He kept rubbing my p**** with his p**** and I didn’t know what to do, I was about to have an o***** . I couldn’t resist it, then I felt half of his p**** go inside and I instantly came and let out a moan. He froze but I kept acting asleep. I started feeling how he was slowly moving inside me. I could tell he was only putting in half of his p**** . I could feel how hard he was inside me, I could feel his veins and his tip was so swollen it was rubbing me all inside. He kept rubbing my c*** and I tried so hard not to moan. Suddenly I felt him going all the way inside. I realized he was recording with his phone the way he was going in and out so I started letting out low moans. I heard him moaning saying he was going to c** , he pulled it out and put it between my ass cheeks. He was stroking himself between my cheeks and when he was about to finish he let out this hot moan saying baby I’m cuming. He exploded all over my ass, I felt the way it dripped down my legs. After that night he Still keeps going in my room And I do let him F*** me. But I’ve told him we need to stop already. My mom knows what’s going on already. The last time We did it my mom was away for work but she never mentioned she was going to head home. My stepdad came in my room around 3 in the morning and we dry humped until we wer ready. We ended up taking off our clothes and he went down on me and then was licking my b**** , I got so h**** I bent over on my bed and after he put on his condom he started. He was doing it hard and I was moaning so loud. My mom says she was outside and tried looking through the window because she heard me moaning and she heard me tell her husband that I was c****** and she heard him telling me that he was c****** too. When she walked in the house she saw my stepdad by my room in his boxers and me completely naked. We kept denying it but she heard us.

My mother's boyfriend liked putting his hand inside my panties and rubbing my c*** . His d*** was hard in his pants and as time went on, he would come into my room at night and lay beside me, then begin to rub his fingers against my c*** until I moaned. He knew I liked it. I was only 10, but he made me tingle all over. After my mom fell asleep he would come in and put his c*** in my mouth and play with my little t****** while i sucked on his c*** . He never came in me, but said when I get older he would be the one to take my virginity.

No cause thats how i feel and i feel it right

It started with just hugs. Then I was allowing my stepdad to finger me and rub my b****** . But that's as far as it went. I think you went too far into the relationship.

You should report it to the police because that man is a predator!

This is r a p e and if your mother tells police he can go to prison for that and child p********** . If he shares the video w anyone that’s another their crime. If you continue to allow this you will be helping him to prison. This is so twisted. You should stop now before you end up pregnant or worse

He will go to prison for a long long time when caught

If you're 16 you're too young (believe it or not) to understand what a good feeling and a right feeling may be. You know it's wrong. Than its willful sin. And be sure your sin will find you out...he's a sick dude to think walking into someone's room and touching them is "OK"

What a crock of crap this is 2020 not 1920, they allfuck now before 16

With that math, they will all fk infants after a few centuries. It's an amature argument. age restrictions are there for a PURPOSE. people often aren't mature ( even though they feel so) before adulthood and keep doing stuff in the heat of the moment.

Be sure your sin will find you out. It's a spirit of l*** and nothing good will come of it. It's tragic some people allow themselves to get to a point where deranges became sexual excitement. Whether it's rooted in abuse or not. What's going on is abuse whether you like it or not , you've sinned again
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Stepfather Teaches Stepdaughter Adulthood

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