Stepdaughter Toss

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Stepdaughter Toss
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Jul 12, 2008 • 7:28 PM (edited Jul 12)
The American Lung Association connects patients, families, friends and caregivers for support and inspiration as they face lung cancer. Here members can share stories, find important information and learn from the experiences of others like themselves.
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Hi, I have a broken R hand so typing is real slow esp for me. I am doing ok for now. My home life is real good right now. I discovered a few things about me that I did not like, lost a fair weather friend (who kept saying they were Judy and my daughter or wanted to be), I got charged with Harrasmet-3rd degree, a simple misdemeaner, for yelling and screaming at her to get out of my house, I went for mental health counseling to deal with the deperessen and stress of the cancer. I stopped my drinking and am getting my life and my mind back together. That has been something i needed to do for the last year but it took a perfect storm, combination of stress, booze, anger frustration and also fear to cumulate in one night for it to come together and BLOW UP. They knew what buttons of mine to push and did so. I even had 4 squad cars at my house trying to calm me down. Again, I was trying to throw my non-related step daughter, age 39 and her gay female partner out of the house. They moved in the end of may to help me with the treatments and to help financially by paying us $400 a month to live here. Well end of June and still no $$$ from them and they informed me there had no money in July either since neither was working.

Then when the directtv was turned off in their room they got pissed off at me. Told me off and said they were not cooking hamburgers that night plus they were sick of hamburger. Well that was final straw. I got beer and lots of it. The more I drank, the madder I got. The madder the louder until they locked themselves in their room and they called the cops.

No there was no hitting just screaming on my part, the only hitting was me hitting a door. That was stupid (especially since it was the steel fire door between the garage and the house), but I just had had enouigh and wanted them out and to stop bleeding me dry $$ wise plus they would drag their two kids here and go drinking expecting us to watch the kids etc etc etc.

But it all was the best that could happen as it made me face things and get help dealing with it all. I did and am doing so. Thank God. I now feel peace both mentally and at home too. I will copy this to a regular post so i do not have to type it all.

Thats what I have been dealing with. The chemo and radiation seem to be going ok. Doctors are happy so far. Thanks for everyones caring and concern. It means a lot. Larry
I remember how stressed out I was from the surgery and chemo. I don't know what I'd done if I'd had extra stress and worries had home. We need a calm and serene environment - something you didn't have that .. no wonder you lost your cool.

I'm glad you're quitting the alcohol. It might make you feel better for a little while but will actually make your depression worse later. It doesn't sound like your step daughter and her friend were helping you. You were giving them a free place to live and spending what money you had. You finally got them out even if it took 4 cops and your screaming. But please don't hit your head on steel doors any more :).

Hang in there, trooper Larry. It can only get better now. Remember you have friends here who care and we want you feeling much better soon.

YOU have my complete and total support. No one should be used they way you were. I am sorry about your hand but you needed to vent the physical anger and the fact that you used this site as a verbal sounding board is good. That is what we do here. And everybody else listens.....friends.....this is what gets us through the hell that has become our life dealing with cancer.

I have a son who is an office in Amarillo Texas and at 6'3" I wouldn't want him to take his anger out on anything living ;) so I would bet you did the best you could in your situation, and at least it was YOUR HOUSE you were beating up.

I am sorry about what you are having to deal with....but it sounds like you are taking steps to do what is best for you. Know that you are among friends and we are hear for you. Keep us posted.
Sound like you've been dealing with a lot lately ( in addition to the treatments). I am sorry that you had to deal with all of that mess with your step-daughter. How awful of her to take advantage of you considering everything that you have on your plate right now. You were right in throwing her out! You don't need more stress in your life right now. Good luck with the treatments and also with your giving up the alchohol. Be strong!

Good for you getting the unwanted relatives out of the house. Sometimes you gotta have a little drama to make people believe you are serious!

Shame on them for taking advantage of you during a time when you just need to focus on yourself.

I hope now you can just focus on getting through your treatments and getting better.

Good for you for getting them out of your house!!! Congratulations. :) Now it's time to get busy getting well. You can do that a lot better now that they are gone!

PS Love the name Larry...my beloved's name is Larry! :D
Tough love...sad part of it all is we who are trying to help people out and get a little help from them usually wait too long to kick them out.

Now that your guests are gone, focus on healing and beating cancer instead of that steel door.

Larry - Good for you!!!!! Give yourself a break will ya? We were all worried about you - but you got your back bone and did the right thing - now - focus on taking care of yourself!!!!! I am so happy that the chemo isn't wearing you down! Live Strong my friend!

A person can only take so much. I'm glad you threw the free-loaders out. Now focus on yourself and get well. Blessings to you. Dorothy
Hey Larry - glad to hear you are okay and are feeling some peace. Always listen to yourself and do what's good for you. Take care and feel well.

Sometimes it takes a thunderstorm to clear the air.

I'm so glad you tossed out those freeloaders and more important, got some help to focus your mind on your own healing and caring for yourself, and to deal with the alcohol. I have been seeing a therapist for many years - long before I got NSCLC. She is a great friend, and someone I can talk to about the things that I might not even talk to my family about.

I hope that now that you have made those important decisions, you have nothing but good weather on your horizon.

thanks to you all for your support. I do admit that my drinking had gotten out of hand but now being sober every day has given me a whole new insight on everything. But that includes the cancer. I wonder if the doctors gave Tony Snow a bunch of hope to? Does anyone wonder about how honest our Doctors really are with us? I fear that this damn cancer just plays with us until it gets tired of the game. I have faith in my future but will be glad o get the final news in about 4 weeks. I have three weeks of radiation left along with 6 or 7 chemo treatments.

My life is so much better now but going to court scares me, even if it is just a simple misdemeaner. I feel like I am getting screwed here and it is somuch out of my hands. OH well. I have to say that this is at least something to fight that is not Cancer. Maybe this is a blessing of some kind. Larry
Hi Larry, cripes give yourself a break! You are an officer of the law. I'm sure you have seen people do much stupider and crazier stuff than what you did. What were the consequences for them? I really don't see anyone with a half a brain in the justice system to try this case and run the risk of public opinion going so far against them for a mistormeaner. Just my opinion.

On the other side I am so happy for you to be able to throw them out. I can only say I'm sure it wasn't easy. It's hard to throw out the trash when you have a broken hand. Just ask and we'll help you I'm sure. _ john
I am glad you got the step-daughter and her friend out, now how about your wife (ex-wife?)? I remember a post last June about how they were all free-loading - they came to live with you to 'help' and then you did all the work. I hope they are ALL gone and you can get on with the important stuff - taking care of yourself!

I wouldn't worry too much about going to court. Once the judge hears the whole story and you tell him that you have stopped drinking, I am sure you will get a slap on the hand - if that! If it is a smart judge she/he will make the real cause of the problems (the girls) pay court costs etc.

Keep us posted buddy! We care about you - but I am like the others, happy you got rid of the witches......

Larry as a retired F/F/Medic you and I both know stress, YOU did the right thing.....you don't need freeloaders at this point in your life, haviing simalair problems here with my daughter showed up after 8 months of not hearing anything from her wanting my car & cash and offering to move in with me I let her stay overnite she stole my pain meds, needless to say I had her placed in EPS and she is now in rehab,thats the toughest thing I ever had to do as a Mother , be kind to yourself my friend, big hugs Penny
wow, sounds like what happened may have been a good thing. As my husband says, each year he needs to "fire" a client. Get rid of the deadwood. For me, having had cancer has made me see who my real friends are. It's been sad, but in a way refreshing - now I know that anyone who is in my life is someone I care about and want to spend time with - not someone who is there for some other reason.

Do you have an attorney to go with you to the hearing? You really should have one with you to protect your interests. If you can't afford one, there are probably free legal services in your area that could help.
yes, i have a lawyer. I told him I wanted to plead guilty and ask for a defered. He at 1st said ok but the plead me not guilty and asked if just getting the charges dismissed would be ok. I said heck yes but I did loose my temper and yell like hell at them but think I had good reason to do so. Court is now the 22nd of this month, correction, a pre-trial conference is now on the 22nd. SO>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>???
WOW~You have had a lot on your plate. Stress affects us all in different ways. It is amazing how, when a lamb is wounded, the wolves start to circle. It sickens me at the depth of how low some people will go. If what you say is accurate, you need not feel bad.

I am happy that you received counseling, It not only helps one to cope with a serious illness, but, it helps you to understand your feelings better. Alcohol and stress are a BAD combination, which you already know. Stay strong Larry. You are a good person. Stay positive, there are better days ahead.

Have you considered posting an ad in the paper or contacting the local colleges for renting a room out to a student? If they know they have access to the laundry and kitchen, many students appreciate the home environment. We have friends that have done this and it worked quite well. You need to make sure that you have a contract that states when payment for rent is due and what is and is not allowed. Just an idea. Good luck and take care of yourself. Jolene
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Over the years, many parents in blended families have come to me about stepchild disrespect. In some cases, their stepkids didn’t respect them, and in others, their biological child didn’t respect their new spouse.
Often, the kids were rude or obnoxious, saying things like, “You’re not my father; I don’t have to listen to you!”
Naturally, stepparents become very upset when their stepchildren are disrespectful to them. The truth is, a child may never respect their stepparent, but they have to know they can’t get away with being rude or obnoxious. Therefore, you and your spouse need to be united in demanding that your kids treat both of you respectfully.
And let me be clear about disrespect. Parents have to be careful because it’s difficult to stop this behavior once it gets entrenched. By being rude, kids train adults what not to ask them and what not to expect of them. And households don’t function well where the kids teach the adults how to behave rather than the other way around.
If you haven’t done so already, sit down with the kids in your blended family and explain the ground rules. Start by saying:
“In our family now, both of us are the parents.”
“And these are the expectations on every child.”
I also recommend that parents tell their stepkids from the beginning:
“You don’t have to call me Mom, but you must be respectful and follow my directions.”
Have this meeting together with your partner and all the children. And set the expectation that you both will enforce the rules the same.
The consequences for defiance should be clear and consistently enforced. For example, the kids in the family should know that if they disrespect their stepmother or stepfather, they will lose their electronics privileges for the rest of the night.
In other words, there should be no tolerance for defiance and disrespect. You and your partner need to present a unified front when explaining this to your kids.
If one of your stepkids says, “You’re not my mom; I don’t have to do what you say!” You can say:
“No, I’m not your mother, but you have to do your homework anyway.”
“We’re not talking about me being your father. We’re talking about when you’re going to start your homework.”
When a child says, “You’re not my mom or dad,” what they’re trying to do is take your power away. Focus on your role as the parent and calmly remind the child what the rules are in your home.
The whole idea here is to avoid a power struggle. The child is inviting you to a fight; decline the invitation. Instead, restate your role and the rules. They don’t have to call them Mom or Dad unless they want to, but they must be respectful and follow the rules.
Translation: I don’t have to listen to you; you have no control over me.
Ineffective parent response: “You’ll do what I say anyway!”
Effective parent response: “I am not your mother. But I am one of the parents in this household responsible for you, and you are obligated to follow the household rules. And if you break the rules, there will be consequences.”
As long as your stepchild complies with your rules, don’t worry if they seem a bit resentful that you’re their authority. In other words, don’t challenge them on what they’re thinking.
For example, when you tell them to do their chores and they do them, that should be enough. They don’t have to like it. You have to let it go as long as you have reasonable compliance.
And don’t worry if they give you a dirty look or roll their eyes—those behaviors are annoying but harmless. Therefore, don’t give the eye-rolling undeserved power by reacting to it. Instead, ignore it, and it will eventually go away.
Here’s the bottom line: if you carry yourself with respect, kids will find things to like about you. That’s because kids want to like people that they respect.
Also, know that kids may never get over the breakup of their original family. But also know there’s nothing you as a stepparent can do about that besides accept it and avoid getting into fights about it.
When you’re parenting in a blended household, they’re all your kids. That means, parent them all the same and don’t give special treatment to your biological kids. Treat each kid the same, regardless of whether they’re your biological or stepchild.
Similarly, family time should also include everyone; try not to make distinctions. That means you say the following:
“When we’re going to the zoo, we’re all going to the zoo—the whole family.”
“When it’s family dinner time, we’re all eating together.”
Even though you need to parent all the kids the same, understand that it’s normal and natural to have special love, feelings, and attachments to your biological kids. Don’t feel guilty about that—it’s okay and expected. You don’t have to fight those feelings. Your biological kids are not the same as your stepkids.
Nevertheless, know that when it comes to rules, consequences, and family commitments, compartmentalize your special feelings and be consistent with all your kids, whether step or biological.
And don’t worry that you might lose that connection with your biological kid by doing so. There may be anger and jealousy, but that biological connection is strong and doesn’t go away.
Often, in blended families, it’s common for the biological kids to challenge their birth parents. They’ll accuse their parents of being unfair. They’ll say things like, “You’re treating his kids better than me.” Or, “He treats his kids better than you treat us.” And you might also hear, “He treats his kids better than he treats us.”
When your child comes to you and says something unfair happened, the kind of question you have to ask is:
“If I was there, what would I have seen?”
So, let’s say your child says, “Today, my step-mom treated her kids better than us.” As the biological parent, the question you have to ask is not, “How did you feel?” or “What happened,” because you’re likely get a distorted and emotional response to open-ended questions like that.
Instead, parents should ask what I call investigative questions. For example, ask your child:
“If I was there, what would I have seen?”
Let’s say the answer is, “You would have seen her give three cookies to her kids and two cookies to us.” That’s something they can see, not what they felt.
So, finding out what they saw is the most effective way to investigate these situations. Those are also my key questions when parents
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