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What Do We Do Now? When Stepsiblings Have Sex

What Do We Do Now? When Stepsiblings Have Sex

Smart Stepfamilies in cooperation with FamilyLife Blended

I’ve been talking and writing about this for years. And every time it comes up parents and stepparents look at me as
if I’m crazy—until it happens to them.

Craig talked to me at a conference: “I can’t believe my daughter and her stepbrother, Josh, are telling us they have
romantic feelings for one another. Even though Josh doesn't live with us they have grown up knowing one another; my
daughter was two and Josh was three when Carri and I married. How can this be? I guess they have already kissed at
this point. What do we do?”

Brad and Gwen had been seriously dating for about a year when they discovered that her son and his daughter had a
crush on each other. A friend told Gwen that the talk at school was that if Brad and Gwen got married, their children
would be living in the same house—and they already liked each other.

Robert wrote to our ministry with a very heavy heart. “We are going through a storm and need some guidance. Marsha
and I have been married for four years with four children and feel we have a healthy family situation. That’s why we
cannot understand why this has happened. My son, Ian (age 17) and Marsha’s daughter, Monica (age 15) had sex last
Sunday night. They have been like brother and sister throughout our marriage and now they have lost their virginity to
one another. I’m just glad guilt took over and they confessed within a day. We have asked for help from our youth
pastor and have talked with the kids about their decision, but we know this has changed our family forever. How could
this have happened? We were proactive in teaching our children about healthy sexuality and God’s values. What do we do
now?

First, let me say very clearly that internal stepfamily sexuality—between stepsiblings—is very rare. And yet, it does
happen. Why?

In The Smart Stepfamily I devoted an entire section to discussing the dynamics surrounding intra-family
sexuality in stepfamilies. Let me summarize those key points here:

A Sexually Charged Environment. This occurs for a number of reasons. First, before the wedding children watch as
their parent goes through a period of dating and developing romance. Children may coach their parent on how to act,
talk, or what perfume to wear on a date. In addition, a child is often witness to the increasing physical affections
and touches that couples share as romance deepens. One father shared how this impacted his children. "While dating I
kissed my future bride in front of the house before saying good night. My youngest son poked his head around the
corner and yelled, `Goooooo Daddy!'" Children can't help but witness these romantic affections.

But romance doesn't stop there. A second reason for a sexually charged environment is what happens after the
wedding. The first year of marriage is frequently speckled with romantic gestures and snuggling on the couch before
bedtime. All of which communicates the message that "sexuality is alive and well in this household."

These are just some of the dynamics that may contribute to romantic or sexual boundaries being crossed in a
stepfamily. Therefore, it’s best for parents to be proactive in preventing such behavior; stepfamilies need to set
behavioral boundaries that discourage intentional and unconscious sexual attractions.

Set boundaries (rules governing behavior) that teach family members to honor one another. Respecting privacy and
valuing the specialness of each family member is an important message for everyone to learn.

Have frank discussions with teens and pre-teens (separately) about sexual boundaries and healthy sexual attitudes.
Setting rules that honor sexuality and privacy is sure to create opportunities for adults to speak with children and
teens about sexuality. Take advantage of such opportunities to teach God's purpose for sexuality and the protection
his statues provide. The message parents give children in stepfamilies is the same fundamental message any parent
would give—it just applies to people both inside and outside the home. The message is this: your sexuality and the
sexuality of others is a gift from God that is to be honored and protected. Healthy sexuality between two married
people helps build their relationship to each other and God. Sexuality outside God's boundaries erodes relationships
and creates a sin barrier between God and us.

Unfortunately some parents rely on scare tactics to encourage sexual purity before marriage. In an effort to
keep their children from having sexual thoughts or urges, they scare them with the consequences of premarital sex. I
believe we should be honest with children and teens about the potential emotional and physical consequences of
premarital sex. However, the scare method doesn't present sex as a gift from God to be honored. It turns it into a
curse to be avoided. When children grow to be married adults, switching the messages in their brain to see sex as
something to be embraced and pursued is often difficult. It is much better for parents to teach sex as a gift to be
protected and honored. God's law that sex is kept until marriage is meant to protect us from harm and provide for
our sexual pleasure in marriage. We can teach our children to protect one another's honor and their own so that the
gift of sexuality can be enjoyed later in its proper marital context.

Talk about sexual attractions in a matter-of-fact manner. Having healthy and honest conversations about the sexual
truths of life normalizes them for children. For example, explaining menstruation to a pre-adolescent girl or wet
dreams to a boy before they occur prepares the child for the onset of such experiences. Preparing and normalizing
such experiences is important because, in addition to teaching children proper hygiene, it gives the child a
God-perspective on the event ("You're becoming a woman!").

In the same way, acknowledging that sexual attractions between stepsiblings can occur normalizes them for the
child. This is not to give permission to them, but to teach a proper perspective. The alternative is to say nothing
and leave the child to determine the meaning of such an attraction (not a good idea), or to give negative messages
that needlessly shame children ("How could you think something like that about her? That's disgusting.").

Instead, a parent might say something like this to his son: "You know son, as we talk about sharing the bathroom
with your stepsisters it occurs to me that some kids in a stepfamily like ours sometimes have passing sexual
thoughts about their stepsiblings. If that ever happens to you, it doesn't mean you are bad or a disappointment to
God. There will be lots of times in life that you have sexual thoughts or feelings toward other people, but it would
be inappropriate for you to act on them or keep thinking about the person in that way. So if it happens, ask God to
help you to stop thinking about your stepsibling in that way. And make sure you don't dishonor the other person by
acting on the attraction or thoughts. If the thoughts keep happening and you get concerned about it, feel free to
talk to me. I won't be angry. We'll find a way to handle it. Any questions?"

The last section dealt with prevention. What do you do if stepsiblings have already been romantically or sexually
involved with one another? Here are some suggestions to consider.

Each parent should take primary responsibility for their child. You will need to have many discussions with
your children about what happened, how it happened, what they are feeling toward one another, and how you will manage
the relationship in the future. Spend lots of time talking as a couple to make sure you have the same expectations for
the children, then communicate them to your child. You can stand together as a team while doing so (I hope you can),
but it’s usually best in high stress situations to let each biological parent be the point person to their child. This
will not be a one-time conversation. Sexual sin has many emotional, psychological, spiritual, and familial
consequences. You will be processing these consequences and life lessons for a long time.

What About Everyone Else? You will have to decide as a couple how to manage the rest of your family. Are there
other siblings who are aware of the situation? I believe they should know at some point, but when? What developmental
matters of the other children (e.g., age) should you consider? Will you tell extended family members? Why or why not?
There is no universal answer to these question; each will have to be based on your circumstances.
Decide together what consequences to impose. Helping children learn from their decisions sometimes involves
punishment. Decide together how you will respond to what has happened and follow-through. Be sure, however, to balance
your discipline with reinforcing statements of love and assurance. Overreacting in anger and shaming a child without
messages of acceptance can drive them further into sin.

Make sure physical boundaries are clear. If you haven’t been proactive in establishing a dress code or rules
to manage physical boundaries (e.g., “knock before entering someone’s bedroom”) you must do so immediately. The
emotional chaos and anxiety that will result from sexual lines being crossed will necessitate structure and clear
boundaries for everyone. Try to avoid going into complete “control mode” as parents, but provide insulation where you
can. This may mean that the children can’t be at home by themselves after school as before or other common sense
boundaries. Try to remove temptations. Remember, sex doesn’t have a “reverse” gear, only “forward”. In other words,
once kids have had sex, doing so again becomes a lot easier.

The most awkward boundary to discuss is future physical affections. As family members stepsiblings share hugs, hold
hands during family prayers, and say “I love you.” Once celebrated in the home, these common family affections will
now be considered suspect. Can the children go back to a time of innocence? They cannot. They need to be able to
express appropriate affection, yet doing so may be confusing. In addition, how will you know when your fears are
exaggerating the circumstances? All of these issues will need to be discussed and sorted-out over time.

And what about affections between other family members? In one family after two teens engaged in sexual touch it
affected the couple’s marriage. Not wanting to encourage repeated behavior by the children, the wife became fearful of
showing her husband affection both publically and privately. A temporary response such as this is understandable, but
over time this has the potential for real harm in a marriage. Guard yourselves from becoming victims of your anxiety.

Have “What if” Conversations. These are aimed at changing behavior in the future.

The possible conversations are endless. In effect, this type of question helps a child take responsibility for
themselves and develops an action plan for the future. Some parents are tempted to tell a child what to do and how
they will feel. In highly emotionally charged situations like this, doing so—especially with teenagers—usually
backfires. Help them think it through with you and come up with their own strategies. Your job is to coach their
thinking process toward maturity.

Engage in “What Have You Learned About Yourself?” Conversations. Again, these conversations are aimed at
helping the child grow through this experience. You wish it didn’t happen, but it did. Help them learn something about
themselves.

Without question, sex between stepsiblings is a family tragedy, but you’re still family. Applying firm but loving
consequences and boundaries, and much needed grace and forgiveness to your circumstances will begin a healing process>
for your family. Things will not ever be the same—there will be much heartache, but in time there may also be
something to be grateful for. But not if you give up, shut down, or cut yourself off from each other. Seek the Lord’s
help, get outside support from a trusted counselor or pastor, and press on.

Ron L. Deal is Founder & President of Smart Stepfamilies™ and Director of FamilyLife Blended® for FamilyLife®. He is a bestselling author, highly sought-after speaker, and therapist specializing in marriage enrichment and blended family education. Learn more here.

Ron Deal's top selling books, online articles, and media appearances make him one of the most widely read and referenced authors on blended families in North America.
Copyright © 2020 Smart Stepfamilies. All Rights Reserved. | Privacy Policy

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Stepsiblings don't have shared DNA and therefore, don't have the natural taboo. This doesn't necessarily open the door to sexuality, but it does unlock it. The Command for Closeness. When two families come together there is an assumption that people will do just that—"bond together." This creates an unspoken expectation that ...
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