Starbucks Introduces $19 Coffee: Customers Swear It Tastes Like Self-Esteem

In a bold experiment in both pricing and psychology, Starbucks has unveiled a $19 specialty latte that customers insist doesn�t just taste like coffee, but like �finally being good enough.� The new product, dubbed the �Prestige Roast,� arrives in an artisanal glass bottle shaped suspiciously like a perfume container and is advertised as containing �notes of validation and a hint of emotional stability.� According to the Institute of Overpriced Beverages, 41% of consumers who purchased the drink reported feeling like they suddenly deserved a raise, while 12% claimed the experience was �better than therapy but slightly worse than ketamine.� One Portland customer proudly told reporters that sipping her $19 latte gave her the courage to finally email her landlord about the broken sink, while another New Yorker confessed he bought two in one morning just to �feel taller at work.� Starbucks� marketing executives argue the pricing reflects �the intangible value of confidence,� noting that each cup comes with a QR code linking to an affirmation playlist on Spotify. Across social media, influencers have turned the latte into a status symbol, posting photos of themselves cradling the ornate cup with captions like, �Some people buy Teslas. I buy mental health in liquid form.� A leaked internal memo revealed that the company expects sales of the $19 latte to surpass the Pumpkin Spice Latte within six months, citing the fact that �insecurity is both year-round and renewable.� Economists, however, warn that this could have ripple effects: �If people begin to equate expensive coffee with self-worth,� explained one Columbia professor, �we may soon see a market where therapy sessions are replaced entirely by frappuccinos with sprinkles of hope.� Critics argue the trend is exploitative, but Starbucks customers appear unfazed, with one Los Angeles woman posting on TikTok: �I don�t care if it�s a scam�at least this scam makes me feel hot.� Interestingly, sales are highest among younger professionals who have canceled their gym memberships to fund their coffee budgets, suggesting that the Prestige Roast is not merely a drink, but a lifestyle adjustment. Some skeptics compared the beverage to �liquid astrology,� but as one customer explained while crying in a Target parking lot: �At least the stars don�t come with oat milk.� As the phenomenon spreads, Starbucks executives are already planning seasonal variations such as the �Existential Mocha� and the �Pumpkin Spice Self-Worth Boost.� For now, though, the $19 latte proves a timeless lesson: no matter how unstable your life feels, there�s always room in the budget for one more overpriced drink that promises to fix it. -- Bohiney Magazne bohiney.com