Spying On Neighbor Sunbathing
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I saw my husband spying on our neighbors' 14 year old daughter while she was sunbathing in the garden. What should I do?
First of all, I understand your concern as a woman and a wife. In this moment of our lives as human beings, it is unfortunate that the media and society has hypersexualized everything under the sun while ignoring our basic, natural biology.
I would not do anything. Your husband is a red-blooded heterosexual male and like any man, whenever a beautiful teenager or woman is in his line of sight, it will catch his attention and he will look and stare.
All of us, men and women, are naturally (biologically wired) attracted to good-looking and attractive, youthful people. With that being said, I do hav
First of all, I understand your concern as a woman and a wife. In this moment of our lives as human beings, it is unfortunate that the media and society has hypersexualized everything under the sun while ignoring our basic, natural biology.
I would not do anything. Your husband is a red-blooded heterosexual male and like any man, whenever a beautiful teenager or woman is in his line of sight, it will catch his attention and he will look and stare.
All of us, men and women, are naturally (biologically wired) attracted to good-looking and attractive, youthful people. With that being said, I do have an important caveat: I’m assuming that since she is 14 years of age, your neighbor has gone through puberty. There is a difference between pedophilia (sexual attraction to pre-pubescent children), ephebophilia (sexual attraction to teens 10–14), and hebephilia (sexual attraction to teenagers aged 15–17).
I’m assuming that from your husband’s behavior (staring) that your neighbor’s daughter has developed. Since she is on the cusp of 14–15 years of age, I don’t see an issue as long as he isn’t displaying inappropriate advances to her verbally or physically. It sounds like he is simply admiring a beautiful young girl.
It’s important to remember that pedophilia or any of the philias for that matter relate to the “sexual attraction” to those age groups. It doesn’t necessarily mean that just because the sexual attraction is there that the adult will act on it. That is the huge difference between ephebophilia and being an ephebophile - the latter has acted on it. Growing up watching my brother play basketball games in high school, I would regularly hear the adult mothers comment on how “hot” or “sexy” certain teenage players were. And they were right. When boys and girls go through puberty and begin to blossom into young men and women biologically speaking, they are at their most fertile.
In the United States, we have laws that are designed protect our children and teenagers and detract those adults who would take advantage of them sexually. Of course it doesn’t meant that these laws deter such behavior. But there is a clear distinction between being attracted to a teenager and acting on it.
I myself readily and freely admit that I find some of my friends’ teenagers attractive and pleasing to look at. But that doesn’t mean I would ever act on it. I can assure you that if your husband is a normal, average man, his moral compass would never allow him to cross that line.
I saw my 60 year old neighbor spying on my teenage daughter while changing clothes. What should I do?
My neighbor is always in nothing but her bikini laying around in her back yard. My husband is almost always out in our yard so he can see her anytime he wants. Would it be wrong for me to ask her to cover up or go inside sometimes?
I planted a camera in my bedroom and discovered that my wife has been sleeping with our 17 year old’s classmate. Worst part about it is that she seemed to enjoy it more than our sessions. What should I do?
My neighbors walk around their house naked and I can easily see inside, I have mentioned it to them but they haven't stopped. What should I do? I don't want my children to see them.
My neighbor's 15 year old son keeps spying on my wife when she showers. What can I do to stop him from doing that?
This is not something you just ignore. In whatever…understanding tone you can muster for the conversation, it has to be confronted. Reading some of the responses to this question, based on your question, there is no degree to which his spying is acceptable.
Having worked as Crisis Interventionist for 3 years the ONE COMMON thread I heard from both the victim and the perpetrator is that it all started by the neighbor. Many times it was the convenience and trust given to the older man, both by the family and, consequently, the child.
All too often it is where the adult refines and defines himself
This is not something you just ignore. In whatever…understanding tone you can muster for the conversation, it has to be confronted. Reading some of the responses to this question, based on your question, there is no degree to which his spying is acceptable.
Having worked as Crisis Interventionist for 3 years the ONE COMMON thread I heard from both the victim and the perpetrator is that it all started by the neighbor. Many times it was the convenience and trust given to the older man, both by the family and, consequently, the child.
All too often it is where the adult refines and defines himself and his “process.”
If you can, try to access your husbands phone and look to see if he has taken any pictures. If he has..and, for what it’s worth, it’s not uncommon he may already be in serious trouble as he has already committed a crime. The pictures are of a minor, without her consent or knowledge and could be, depending on what he photographed, considered child porn.
Essentially you are dealing with some very serious issues and consequences.
Whether you “have looked at another lad” is a perverted statement it’s own right, and has nothing to do with the scenario at hand.
Spying is more than just “a glance.” Yes, we have all glanced. Spying is deliberate and intentional which speaks volumes relative to the integrity of the person making that argument.
In the end your husband’s desire to spy on her is more important to him than his own integrity and self-respect. Often, unfortunately, those realities never come to his mind until after the girl has said something to her parents about “the creepy neighbor man”…at which point, the girl’s father could take this to a whole other level!
For the girl’s father…self-restraint may not be exactly his forte!
If your husband’s problem and “desires” persist and become more deliberate…..then some very serious steps need to be taken to get help for your husband.
Regardless of whether she looks to be older, she is STILL a minor. Again, I am disturbed by any of the comments suggesting that what your husband is doing is somehow less perverted and sick, just because she may look to be an adult.
Regardless of what she looks like, she’s his neighbor. He KNOWS how old she is! If it persists, you have no choice but to let your neighbors know.
The girl is not respondable for any of this. She’s sunbathing on their own property and she’s free to use their back yard for any legal purpose she chooses.
However, if she’s enjoying his “attention”… you have another far more serious potential problem… and a family ending dynamic in play.
Unfortunately, three years spent doing crisis intervention work, I listened to more than a few people, both the perpetrator and victim, describe this very scenario which escalated to far more worse actions and consequences.
I truly wish you all the strength and courage necessary to do the right thing! There is no valid, useful or informed perspective that can condone anything your husband is doing.
There are a whole lot of assumptions in most of these answers, as well as a lot of people dismissing what is, at best, skeevy behavior and at worst, downright reprehensible. Anyone saying that it's normal to lust after a kid or “just appreciate the view” needs to reevaluate their life.
That having been said, the OP doesn't really specify what they mean by spying. That is important information necessary to answer this question. Spying implies at least an attempt at secrecy. It implies a concerted effort. It suggests him hiding behind the blinds in a closed room where he thinks no one can see. It
There are a whole lot of assumptions in most of these answers, as well as a lot of people dismissing what is, at best, skeevy behavior and at worst, downright reprehensible. Anyone saying that it's normal to lust after a kid or “just appreciate the view” needs to reevaluate their life.
That having been said, the OP doesn't really specify what they mean by spying. That is important information necessary to answer this question. Spying implies at least an attempt at secrecy. It implies a concerted effort. It suggests him hiding behind the blinds in a closed room where he thinks no one can see. It's not a quick glance but rather a prolonged thing. Normally, I try to take questions at face value but generally, you don't just catch someone spying. More often than not, confirming that someone is actually spying requires spying on them yourself. That's not to say it's impossible, just unlikely.
Another important piece of information that some of the commenters seem to assume one way or another is the knowledge of the girl in question. Some have assumed she must look older, while others assume your husband knows she is fourteen simply because she is your neighbor. I have a child who, at thirteen was asked for ID going onto a military base where he sister goes to school. They only ask for ID from adults and the MPs who asked for her ID were downright sheepish when I told them she was only thirteen, clearly ashamed of their thoughts. Mind you, she was taller than I am and has a D cup so few would have guessed she was barely a teen. Further, I couldn't even tell you if my neighbors have kids, much less how old they may be. While it's inexcusable to be spying on or oogling any woman, if he doesn't know that she's a child, it's just gross as opposed to criminal.
All that having been said, if we take your question at face value - he was spying on girl he knows is very underage - you have to decide if you want or even can stay with him. On the one hand, there is no shame ending your marriage over this. If he's already spying on a child, he likely has looked at worse online - criminal behavior that very easily could have him locked up for a long time - and he may eventually take it further than just looking. On the other hand, you may believe this was a one time, stupid mistake and be willing to stay with him if he acknowledges it and you honestly believe he'll never do anything even remotely similar again. Personally, having seen grown men oogle my daughter and having been that kid who grown men oogled over as well, I don't think I could work past this. Society makes enough excuses for men who don't respect women, as clearly demonstrated by many of these answers. However, I can also understand why some would not want to think the worst of their spouse, even when seeing evidence themselves. Whatever you decide, if he doesn't already know you saw him, be careful how you proceed. If he knows how wrong what he was doing is, it would not be unheard of for him to react with violence to try to silence you.
Original question: I saw my husband spying on our neighbors' 14 year old daughter while she was sunbathing in the garden. What should I do?
After reading Victor Kilo’s comments to Darlene Cane’s answer, I have modified my thoughts on the matter. Without knowing exactly how he was spying, I may not be able to offer a good response.
Was she wearing a swimsuit, bikini, other clothes or was she sunbathing nude in the assumed privacy of her backyard?
Was he hiding behind the curtains or merely sitting out on the deck where he could see over the fence?
Is there a privacy fence or merely chain link betwe
Original question: I saw my husband spying on our neighbors' 14 year old daughter while she was sunbathing in the garden. What should I do?
After reading Victor Kilo’s comments to Darlene Cane’s answer, I have modified my thoughts on the matter. Without knowing exactly how he was spying, I may not be able to offer a good response.
Was she wearing a swimsuit, bikini, other clothes or was she sunbathing nude in the assumed privacy of her backyard?
Was he hiding behind the curtains or merely sitting out on the deck where he could see over the fence?
Is there a privacy fence or merely chain link between your yards?
I will start with what I think is most important: if she was naked, there was a privacy fence, and it was more than a casual glance then a refusal to look that direction, something should be done.
If she was dressed - a skimpy bikini does count as dressed unless it is crotchless or designed to expose her breasts and/or privates - and he was just watching harmlessly, then the issue becomes did he actually do anything wrong or are you just offended that he looked at another female. This is not to minimize your feelings, I honestly do not know based on the information provided. What I am saying is if it were a public beach or pool and you caught him looking at her or any other female (young or adult) would you be as offended?
If she was naked and there was no privacy fence, you should talk to the neighbors about erecting some type of barrier and sharing the cost.
If he was outside, on a deck, balcony (unless he was hiding in a tree so he could watch her without her knowledge) there may be no real issue unless it is between you and your husband. It would have been good of him to call out, “Hey neighbor, nice day to be outside,” but if he was in plain view, then he may just think of her as harmless eye candy.
I will end by saying he may be a creep, he may be a pervert, but determining intent and therefore whether he is potentially dangerous to other females is impossible at this point.
I will add that I feel dirty if I look at a female who is under thirty, and probably closer to thirty five or forty. I am a 48 year old male. I have a 23 year old daughter and can not even view any female that I know or believe to be under thirty in a sexual manner. It is such a strong issue with me that I can refer to them as cute, but not pretty, and not just because someone might mistake my comments for interest or desire. I literally can not consider a female that I consider too young to be pretty.
Note if I seem to minimize your reaction or the potential threat he might be it is not intentional. This is hard for me to answer because I have never been in this situation, but I do have a young adult daughter.
My 15-year-old son has been secretly spying on his sister and me naked and also stealing our underwear. What should I do?
My neighbors called the police on me for sunbathing in my backyard. Nothing happened but I am furious. How do I get them back?
My tenant keeps walking naked around the house and this is making my neighbor mad. Should I do something about it?
How do I talk to my 14 year old daughter about being inappropriate with younger boy cousins. My brother in law told me that when her 8 year old son spent the night, my daughter pulled down his pants while everyone was sleeping. What should I do?
Can I be naked in my house if the window is open?
I think there is a little bit of over reacting here without defining what is “spying” particularly when it is looking at someone who is out doors and barely dressed. Was he crouched beneath a window ledge with binoculars for 20 minutes while masturbating ? That requires one response. Was he standing at the kitchen window just looking for 2 minutes ? That requires another. Does the girl have an adult like body and was she putting on a show or does she look like a prepubescent girl just enjoying a day by the pool ? Is this an area visible to the neighborhood and the street or is it a protected w
I think there is a little bit of over reacting here without defining what is “spying” particularly when it is looking at someone who is out doors and barely dressed. Was he crouched beneath a window ledge with binoculars for 20 minutes while masturbating ? That requires one response. Was he standing at the kitchen window just looking for 2 minutes ? That requires another. Does the girl have an adult like body and was she putting on a show or does she look like a prepubescent girl just enjoying a day by the pool ? Is this an area visible to the neighborhood and the street or is it a protected well fenced area only visible from your house ? Because if its easily visible and the girl has the body of an adult woman I guarantee that more than one man is checking out the view. That requires one kind of response and discussion. If this really was some sick sexual spying and a sexual response to the body of a child or adolescent then it requires another.
I think that if the response to this situation should be based very carefully and very measured based on much better more specific information.
I'm a woman who was an adolescent in the early 1970s and experienced some sick sexual male attention on buses and in other public venues as well as from fathers of kids I babysat. I'm glad the awareness is up and the tolerance is down for that kind of behavior now. But I also see lately this rush to judge and villianize and shame people on the internet for simple mistakes or for serious things which should be dealt with in a serious manner but are still over reacted to based on a comment which requires more questioning or an event that still needs to be investigated to determine the detailed facts and intent based on evidence. Not just about sexual things but all kinds of comments taken out of context or even mistakes which require apologies or further investigation instead turning into instantly career destroying media events which victimize the alleged perpetrator or commenter sometimes more than the alleged victim. Often that victim, the member of some marginalized group for whatever reason feels far less if any offense to the alleged incident than those who claim to be acting on their behalf.
Lets be reasonable measured people not a “just add outrage” instant mob with torches and pitchforks or else we are acting as an old school victimizing force ourselves but with a technological advantage that creates mobs of millions rather than dozens.
If you ever catch h
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