more shit analysis

I am well aware that writing and obsessing over you has a negative effect on my mental health. Just today, I went from hating you, to having a psychotic episode where I thought you were the only other person to exist, to contemplating suicide again but by drowning because that's the method that scares me most, to feeling bad for you, to loving you again, and now, in this moment, I am apathetic and disdainful. I am sure it will change in 30 minutes, so I'm trying to write quickly.

I've been doing a lot of thinking. Obviously. And here's what I've come to: While I wasn't perfect in our relationship, you were the one to ultimately ruin it (over text twice).

Now I know what you're thinking. "Uusiji, you literally broke into my house." Yes. Yes I did. I'm not happy with that being the reality that I now have to live in. I regret doing that. It wasn't just wrong, it was an action that doesn't align with the person I want to be. Sorry, if that's worth anything.

Let's look at your actions now. From my position, I will never be able to figure out why you acted the way that you did, but there are three separate motives I have come up with.

1. You hate me or men in general, and wanted to see if you could break one. You are a lying, calculating, manipulative, evil human being. Pieces of this line up: You've read and written gay fan fiction, a genre famously unconcerned with how men actually behave or feel. I never saw you cry or be actually emotionally vulnerable. Your roommates seem to hate most men. You used to be gay for a while. You wanted to hurt me as badly as possible, so you did. I don't think that this is correct, though. This would be literal psychopath behaviour, and while I'm bad at reading people, I feel like I would've picked up on this.
2. You are very broken inside. You have some kind of attachment disorder and trust issues, inherited from your parents' divorce or some other fucked up relationship, that causes you to push people away and self sabotage your relationships. This is why you've never been broken up with (unless I'm misremembering), and why you always identify something vague to breakup with someone for (Moon is using you for sex, your ex just liked being in a relationship, we aren't compatible, I don't see you as an equal, I sexualize women, our families are too different, all of these are speculations that you made with very little evidence). You don't know how to reconcile your high sex drive and the guilt and shame your mother instilled in you when you were a child. You are immature and idealize a specific type of romance and can't effectively communicate it out of fear of rejection. I like this explanation a lot, but it doesn't excuse you from your actions. Having a condition or diagnosis does not change the fact that what you did was fucking awful. You might want to be a good person, but this was a cruel thing to do to someone.
3. You are extremely easily influenced by your friends and the internet. This is backed up by the fact that you allowed you friends to pressure you into breaking up with me before, despite the fact that they didn't know me. You may say that I never tried to get to know them, but I can count on one hand the number of times you asked me to go out with them. You also follow pop therapy accounts on Instagram, which, not be rude or anything, are fucking stupid. They are not good sources of fact, they are sources infotainment, disguised so that the masses eat it up and give the platform more ad-views. Circling back to Moon, my paranoid brain has cooked up a dumbass conspiracy theory. A few days before you cancelled dinner and snapped my mind like a pasta noodle, I noticed that Moon had blocked me on Spotify. I didn't follow them, I didn't like their playlists, I didn't try to interact with them anywhere else. I know this reveals that I was cyberstalking your friends as well, but this got me thinking. You've known Moon since freshman year, and was once hooking up with them for a while until you cut it off. Moon had just gone through a brutal breakup with a verbally abusive piece of shit. They have never liked me, even going so far as to directly attack me and stare me down for telling a dick joke. They seem to have little thought for how their actions affect others, a la the door-concussion incident. Moon is the original author and creator of the "*quasi*" playlist. To top it off, you were working out and talking to Moon the morning of the day you took back the dinner date. If I was a gambler, I would say that you got talked into this, mainly by Moon, but also by your other roommates and random shit you got fed through Instagram reels. If this is the case, why the fuck would you allow yourself to be manipulated like this?

Who knows though? I never will. It could be a combination of all three, or none of the above. Another thing: I know you said you didn't want me to change to be with you, but after talking to a lot of people, here's my response: that's fucking stupid. People change to fit each other, and it's not a tragedy, it's not toxic, it's just life. It's growing up. Being willing to change is a sign of maturity, and I was more that willing.

It's so hard to hate you. I'm trying so fucking hard, but I can't. You have a laundry list of conditions and traumas and issues, and all I wanted to do is hold your hand through them. I wanted you to hold my hand through my issues too, but yours would've come first. I know women don't want to be saved, but that's really all I wanted to do.

You hurt me so bad, and I've been getting hurt all my life by people that refuse to explain why they're hurting me and tell me that I'm a good person but they're just so sorry. This has happened in 2 prior relationships and a handful of friendships, and now it's happened again, so I want you to feel my pain, because whatever you're feeling is not enough. I know that this is vindictive and mean, its exactly how I'm feeling in this moment.

In a few hours, I will probably write some more sappy poetry about how I love you, and then I'll write another suicide note a few hours after that. You have broken me. I used to be whole, but now there are multiple voices inside of me, fighting for control. There's the voice who still wants you, who's willing to live forever. There's the voice who wants to die because he's accepted defeat and can't see an escape. There's the voice who is driven to work through anything because he sees it as a challenge to his ego. And then there's voice who you're reading now: wrath and pride and protection. I am the father figure I wish I had right now, protecting my progeny and trying to love myself. I want to shatter in your windows and smash in your door and consume you in a hurricane for hurting my selves. God damn you.

Then I guess there the jester inside of me, the one who will outlive the rest because the world is too absurd, who is giggling right now because the previous paragraph sounds like "there are two wolves inside of you". I hate him. His thoughts are a contaminate, a cognitohazard. God, I miss loving you. I felt genuinely happy having someone worthy of my love.

I want her to feel the pain that I feel, because I don't believe that she does. My stupid little ego can't stand the idea that she might walk away from this, circling her ear with her finger and thinking I was the crazy one, because I'm not. I am not a danger to others, and I resent that idea so fucking much. I was obviously unstable and depressed before I met her, and losing her sent me back there, but the circumstances didn't help at all.

Imagine you finally meet someone who you think loves you for you, who swears that they have never felt this way about someone. Imagine they agree with almost everything you believe in, from politics to social beliefs to philosophies to taste in art to sense of humor to sexual interests. Imagine you have the toughest workload you've ever had, but you muscle through it for her. Imagine shifting your life around to make room for her, letting your guard down and being more honest and emotional than ever before. Imagine that she spends the night at your house and meets your family, cementing the idea of her in your head as your future mate.

Imagine she then breaks up with you over text a few days later, right before finals season. Imagine the reasons that she gives feel hollow and forced and don't really make sense. Imagine having to force yourself to eat so that you don't pass out during your exams, resulting in you losing 10 pounds over the course of two weeks. Imagine she fucks with your head by doing all of the shit that I've talked about, and trying to be strong and not beg for her back because you want to have some self-respect and not chase and you don't know why all this is happening in the first place. Imagine not being sure if all the mental health issues she has and her asshole roommates are the reason for this, and maybe you should be there for her. Imagine her pushing you away and reeling you in again and again.

Imagine going home for winter break to find all of your friends have moved away, leaving you with nothing to do but replay the memories. Imagine trying to get therapy and medication, but having a suicidal reaction to it. Imagine trying to write all of your feelings out in order to reflect and actually figuring out what went wrong. Imagine steeling yourself and trying to scar over so that you can come back next semester and try again. Imagine making a plan to move slowly and carefully, to gradually win her back.

Imagine the first time you see her since she broke up with you, she is open and friendly and flirty. Imagine she drives you home and asks you out. Imagine getting everything that you ever wanted. Imagine feeling like you are finally going to get some kind of catharsis, like you are at least going to talk and understand the situation. Imagine it all being taken away less than 24 hours later. Imagine trying to kill yourself and failing, and then receiving a restraining order because she fears for HER life.

I don't think she knows my pain. I think that she's an immature little girl that doesn't think about how her actions affect other people, who trusts her friends, family, and random shit she sees on the internet to make her decisions for her, who has no idea what she wants and is too weak to ask and find out.

All the reasons she gave:

• I don't see her as an equal (untrue)
• I don't see her as a complex individual (very untrue)
• I don't care to get to know her (untrue)
• I don't care about her when she's not physically present (untrue but i can see why she thought this, i was very busy that semester and under a lot of stress)
• We don't know each other well enough after three months (maybe true but fixable and not a good reason)
• I don't remember the little things (true but fixable)
• I sexualize women (untrue and sounds like a line fed to her by her friends because that's what she said they thought about me)
• Our families are too different (actually irrelevant in the 21st century like wtf)
• I'm selfish and only care about my feelings (very untrue)
• She can't grow in this relationship (very nebulous and sounds like a reason to rationalize discomfort)
• She feels small around me (nebulous and might have more to do with her than me)
• She doesn't want to turn it off and on again (understandable, but she did it anyways so idk what she means by this)
• We're not compatible (so untrue that it's actually offensive. we share taste in music, movies, youtube, humor, politics, philosophy, we care about the same things like classism, overstimulation of the modern mind, nature, neat-freakishness, cognitive science and psychology, we have similar character development from edgy conservative to more leftist and over sexualization as children, ect ect. so unless she lied about her personality and beliefs and feelings the entire fucking time, we are compatible. as an adult, you would feel lucky to find someone that agreed on half the things you liked and also be physically attracted to and have rapport with that person. wtf is compatibility if not those things?)

These are immature-ass reasons. All of them are pretty vague and not backed up by a single specific instance, and half of these things are just based on speculation in her head instead of facts or conversations we had. I hate making excuses, but most of these things can be explained by the fact that this was my first real relationship and also my most stressful semester. I know I lacked in some areas, but I tried my fucking best and I allowed her to rip apart my mind.

Things I fucked up on:

• Didn't make her feel special and valuable through spontaneous and written acts of love.
• Didn't keep detailed notes on her and her interests like she did because I feel weird and creepy doing that. It just feels manipulative but I know that some people think its sweet.
• Didn't actively try to make peace with her friends, kinda just hoped the situation would smooth itself out through natural interactions.
• I didn't like to drop topics. If something made her uncomfortable, I wanted to explore it more because I think that the things that people don't like to talk about are the most interesting subjects. I'm not sure how to fix this, uncomfortable subjects are something that really interests me.
• When she broke up, instead of getting defensive and advocating for myself, I accepted her decision and broke down.

These are things she could've talked about instead of just ending things over text. I'm not invalidating her feelings of insecurity, she's justified in having them, but her actions during the breakup were extremely hurtful and lacked empathy at every point.

Specific things i did well:

• Communicate maturely that her friends were being openly hostile towards me and making me uncomfortable, and that I would appreciate if she talked to them and tried to get them to talk to me and get to know me better.
• Listened when she said she felt used for sex and gave her alternatives when she didn't feel like having sex. I know its hard to say no to people you like, so I told her to redirect my horniness into some other manly task like: making her food, doing her laundry, going to gym with her. If I roll over in the morning and start getting weird, it's because I love you and I want to feel good with you, so just help me find a different way to do that. I would also always ask if I was being too needy before touching her because I didn't want her to feel used, as that was something that she said she was sensitive about.
• When we did have sex, I always tried to make it amazing. I listen, I act sexy, I try new things, I stay in very good shape so that I'm capable of anything she can dream up, I let her know that I want her to cum but there's no pressure if she doesn't, I stayed in the moment and was intimate and attentive.
• I was extremely open and honest with my feelings and opinions, and I invited her to be the same way. I communicated when I fucked up or felt weird about something.
• I tried to leave little notes and presents, although I'm not sure if I did it enough. I don't like being clingy because that's exactly how I want to be.
• I tried to pay for food every time but always allowed her to pay if she wanted to. I always offered to make her any food she wanted when she was over.
• Even though I never got to go on most of them, I had a massive list of personal date ideas that I wanted to talk through with her.
• I came up with good movies and songs to show her that I thought she personally would find interesting.
• The basics (never talk shit about her when she isn't there, never think about/flirt with/follow other women, never assume that she can't make her own decisions, never force her to hangout, always trying to make her feel good, always give her the benefit of the doubt, always giving her space and time to think, always respond to texts asap even if I didn't have a good response), I know these are the bare minimum but I see so many relationships that work out where these aren't present and it makes me fucking sick to my stomach. i still haven't even called her a bitch or cunt or whore or whatever other men call exes because i don't think it's okay.

One of the things that hurts the most is the fact that all of this occurred over the phone. I never got to have a real conversation with her, and because of that, sometimes it still doesn't feel real. And I'm pissed at her for that, especially because of how much she wanted to get away from technology, to have meaningful interactions in person. She always left me with a smile and a laugh, so when she betrayed me in the virtual it made it feel like she died instead of breaking up with me. She's such a goddamn coward for never rejecting me to my face, for never granting a real death to the relationship. Just words on a screen, vibrations through a speaker, pixels in images, all so superficial and inhuman.

I think the thing that is pissing me off the most now is that I've written so fucking much about her, and I've received nothing from her. I know its my fault for writing so much, but I feel betrayed that she's written absolutely nothing. It's crushing to have given more thought to someone than I've ever given anyone else in my life, and to receive nothing in return.

I also really hate that I'll probably give her these letters one day and still receive nothing in return. She will be able to take my thoughts and learn from them, if not about herself then about me, or men in general, or maybe use them to become a better person, and I'll still be sitting her wondering what the fuck happened. I won't be able to ever figure out how to become better.

I just want her to write me. Not to get back with me, that's long gone at this point. I don't respect her anymore. But I want to know her take on this. I need to know if I'm being an idiot and coming to all the wrong conclusions. I would even accept her friends' or family's input, I just want something from the other side that lets me know I wasn't alone in this relationship, that it happened, that someone else was thinking about me.

I just want to hear "I'm sorry for the way I treated you" or "You deserved to be treated that way because of X and I did nothing wrong" or "I disagree/agree with what you wrote in this letter". I want her to say things as offensive and as stupid as I did and try to psychoanalyze me because all I want is for someone to care enough to hurt me through their actions as opposed to their inactions. I don't know, I just want to hear the void shout back for once and prove that it's not a void.