Spank Testicles

Spank Testicles

By
Jessica Winters ,
October 6th 2015

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“There’s good and bad ones, I think. Really tiny ones are weird-looking. I enjoy a hefty avocado-sized sack visually, I suppose. As long as they aren’t fully covered in hair, I don’t think I mind.”
“Gross! Stinky, hairy ones are gross and smell like piss. I don’t like oily ones. The bigger they are the grosser, because the more they look like elephants, you know, with the crinkly, rough feeling? It’s more disgusting, so it turns me off the most to see big, gross balls. Big balls are gross regardless of penis size.”
“When I’m not having sex, I never think of balls. When I’m having sex, I try not to think about balls. Now that you’ve asked, this marks the first time I’ve ever thought about balls while not having sex. I hate you.”
“Ewww! No! NO! NOOOO! No balls! Once you’ve seen balls, you can’t unsee them! Even worse, once you’ve smelled them, you can never unsmell them! I hate balls so much, I can’t even watch sports!”
“They serve no pleasurable function for me—that is, during sex. But we have a fireplace in our bedroom, and sometimes when he falls asleep before I do after sex—which is, as all ladies know, EVERY time—I’ll linger down near his crotch area and watch his balls move. Did you know that balls move? Yes, they move in reaction to changes in temperature to keep sperm at just the right temp level. So his balls will verrrrrrrrry slowly move up and down and around like the giant lumps in a lava lamp.”
“On a purely academic level, testicles are more important than the penis when it comes to reproduction. The penis is just the, um, ‘delivery boy’ as it were. But sperm are created in the testicles, so the bigger a man’s testicles, the more fit he is to breed. But that’s on an academic level. On an aesthetic level, balls are ugly as shit and should be hidden from plain view at all times.”
“My boyfriend tries to stick them in both my holes down there and I hate it! He read about it somewhere online—it’s called ‘dog in a bathtub,’ and the guy tries to get both of his balls inside a girl’s vagina or her ass. I’ve never wanted to neuter a dog so much in my life.”
“They sure ain’t pretty, but if you don’t think balls are attractive, Google Image search the term ‘eunuch’ and see what guys look like without them.”
“When they’re too dangly and too wrinkly and too hairy, it really looks like a seasonally depressed woolly mammoth with cancer. Or like the world’s most reclusive rabbi. I like them clean-shaven and tiny—seriously, I’d be fine if they were the size, shape, and texture of cherry pits. Small balls rule.”
“So you’re asking about the so-called ‘potatoes’ and not the ‘meat’? Interesting question, because I’ve never really heard girls talk about balls all that much. Balls are sort of like armpits—you know they’re there, you know they’re not pleasant, but you accept them and try your best to ignore them.”
“I don’t care either way so long as you shave them and wash them. No girl enjoys flossing her teeth on some guy’s hairy stinky nutsack, believe that.”
“The only time I ever notice them is during doggy-style and they’re smacking me in the ass like the world’s gentlest spanking. I honestly think that’s why God created balls, and the whole sperm-production thing was an afterthought.”
“They give my boyfriend pleasure, so I’ll act dumb, play along, and pretend I enjoy fondling them and licking them and tugging on them and doing whatever it takes to get him past the finish line. Otherwise, I’m indifferent. Balls leave me cold. They give me no pleasure at all.”
“Testicles are staggeringly unattractive. They are, by far, the most aesthetically unappealing part of the human body, male or female. I think our creator was in a bad mood the day he created balls.”
“Shaved or hairy is better than stubbly. When you’re giving a BJ to a guy who shaved his balls a week ago, it’s like being smacked in the face with a cactus.”
“It’s part of a man’s package, so I guess I notice balls the most when I’m checking out a guy’s bulge. I think that 99 out of 100 women would agree that balls look best when there’s clothing on top of them.”
“All genitals are ugly. Seriously, testicles just look like labia that have been sewn shut and are swelling from the pain. So male genitals and female genitals both look like crime scenes to me. Sex feels great, though—so long as the lights are out.”
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Mental Health , Sex
C. Brian Smith
February 22, 2021

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Welcome to the slap-happy world of ‘spanking for wellness’
Editor’s Note: This article was first published on December 6, 2017.
I’m naked and bent over the lap of a 72-year-old bald man named “Dr. Don” who is spanking me with a bare hand in his second-floor apartment in East L.A. He keeps a steady pace — equal intervals between spanks — which occasionally syncs up with the steadfast tick of a grandfather clock in the corner.
While neither an M.D. nor a Ph.D. — nor any D, for that matter — Dr. Don explains he’s a “ Spankologist ,” or an expert in adult male spanking. “People who have spanked for as many years as I have are considered doctors of their trade,” he reasons. His gentle demeanor and hypnotic voice contrast with a gaunt, villainous gaze that seems to wander. It’s as if Mr. Rogers had broken bad instead of Walter White.
Drawing from more than 30 years of administering spank therapy and pointing to a 2005 Russian study from the Novosibirsk Institute of Medicine on corporal punishment, Dr. Don says spanking’s therapeutic benefits include…
Naturally, spanking started out as a hobby for Dr. Don. “I enjoyed spanking and began doing it for fun,” he says. “A businessman was referred to me, and I spanked him — the whole nine yards. When we were done, he put $100 down on my desk and said, ‘I’m a married man. It’s got to be a business transaction or I can’t do it.’ I thought, People will actually pay me to do this? It had never dawned on me that that would happen. So I put an ad in the paper.”
The ad read: “My name is Don. I’m a heterosexual real dad looking for young men who grew up without a dad. You missed the bonding between father and son, but I can provide you with something else: Discipline with a good ol’ fashioned spanking. To be clear, this isn’t for a sexual connection, but the real experience of being spanked. $20 an hour.”
“Man, did my phone light up like crazy!” he says. “I didn’t realize there were so many straight guys who were into getting spanked. I thought, Oh my god! Is this possible? I was getting so many people taking up my time that I figured if I raised the price to $50 it would discourage some people. It didn’t change a thing.”
Today, his clients fly in from all over the world to pay $175 for a 1-hour session. They continue to be exclusively men. “Women’s asses aren’t good for spanking — they’re like saddle bags hanging over that you can’t contain,” he says.
His clients almost all also work high-stress jobs. “I have three trial lawyers who come from the courthouses to get spanked on their lunch hour,” Dr. Don explains. “They call it their ‘mini-vacation’ — a chance to clear their mind and give up control to someone else, which allows them to regain their focus and return to court with a clear mind.” Age-wise, the men he spanks are well into adulthood, usually somewhere between 35 and 60. “I endorse spanking your fully grown children,” he enthuses. “As long as you’re supporting them and they’re under your control on your dime — you whip their ass!”
Dr. Don says he raised a son on his own and spanked him so he wouldn’t get into trouble. “The last time I spanked him was when he was 19. He was in the Army and came home with a real mouth on him. I said, ‘You’re disrespecting me.’ I grabbed him, threw him over my knee, pulled his underwear down and started whacking him right in front of his friends.”
My session starts in Dr. Don’s bedroom, where what appears to be a replica of the Mayflower is bookended by pastel portraits of his parents. (Ironically, he was a good kid who never got spanked.)
Dr. Don arranges his weaponry on the bed. “These are the implements we work with,” he explains. There’s a homemade plywood paddle (“I call this the ‘beginner paddle’ because it’s thin”); the back end of a wooden bath brush (“very stingy”); a plastic kitchen utility spoon (“hitting the crack with this will send a sensation up through the balls”); a studded leather mallet (“weighted, for impact”); a collar (“for guys who want to feel like slaves and prefer to be on a leash”); a wooden cane (“my grandmother would go out and cut a switch like this from a tree”); and something called a “leather strapper” with a double tongue at the end (“this is what made the priest cry when I used it on him. He said, ‘Holy Jesus, I just saw the face of God!’”).
He invites me to undress and join him in the other room. “If there’s anything curious you want to try just bring it with you.”
Each spanking session begins with a conversation, Dr. Don says, in which he learns why the client believes they deserve to be spanked. He takes it from there, explaining what they did wrong, why it’s wrong and what better choices they could’ve made before announcing that the consequence will be a spanking. “People use me as a confessional,” he says. “They revert back to what it was like when they were a kid. They did something wrong, and their dad punished them. Then it was over, and they could move on with a clean slate.”
He directs me to crawl across his lap on the couch to assume the over-the-lap position that he explains is most common, since it allows for optimal control and connection to the spankee. (Other positions include: lying prone, bent over; under the spanker’s arm; through the legs of the spanker; and over the spanker’s shoulder, which Dr. Don explains represents that the spankee is his property.)
After caressing my butt for 10 seconds “to create a connection and facilitate the male bonding process,” Dr. Don administers a series of four stinging slaps with his bare hand immediately followed with circular, soothing rubbing. It sounds a little like this:
“Blood vessels rise up like goose bumps when you spank the ass,” he explains. “Rubbing in between relaxes them and avoids bruising so the spanking can last longer.”
When appropriate, Dr. Don infuses the spanking with positive reinforcement.
“I know you can do better, and you know it too, don’t you?”
“You’re much better than your recent behavior.”
“We’re not going to let the way you’ve acted get in the way of who you are and who you can become!”
“I wouldn’t trade you for any spankee in the whole world.”
While I’m struggling not to laugh — this is fucking absurd, after all — I note that the sting is becoming less and less unbearable with every spank. Endorphins! I think, blissfully riding the aforementioned “runner’s high.” But before I can get too cocky, I’m directed to bend over the desk and prepare for the strapper, the anticipation of which is by far the most unpleasant part of the session.
Once it hits, however, the strapper lands with a delightful sting that causes my eyes to well up. By the third blow, tears are streaming down my face. Without missing a beat, Dr. Don spreads my butt cheeks and begins rapidly slapping my asshole with a small plastic kitchen spoon which, as promised, sends a euphoric pulse of energy up through my balls. All at once I realize how one might become addicted to spank therapy.
But Dr. Don says what his clients are really craving is attention. “They want someone to notice them, to give up control and be a kid again.”
After applying an additional coat of aloe to my pink bum, I gather my things and reach for the door. “ Most guys like to be hugged afterwards ,” interrupts Dr. Don, arms outstretched.
I accept his embrace and rock back and forth a couple times.
“They remember their dads saying, ‘I’m sorry I had to spank you but I still love you.’”
C. Brian Smith writes hard-hitting gonzo features for MEL, whether it be training with a masturbation coach, receiving psycho corporal treatment from a spank therapist, or embarking on a week-long pleasure cruise with 75 Santa Clauses following their busy season.

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Mental Health , Sex
C. Brian Smith
February 22, 2021

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Welcome to the slap-happy world of ‘spanking for wellness’
Editor’s Note: This article was first published on December 6, 2017.
I’m naked and bent over the lap of a 72-year-old bald man named “Dr. Don” who is spanking me with a bare hand in his second-floor apartment in East L.A. He keeps a steady pace — equal intervals between spanks — which occasionally syncs up with the steadfast tick of a grandfather clock in the corner.
While neither an M.D. nor a Ph.D. — nor any D, for that matter — Dr. Don explains he’s a “ Spankologist ,” or an expert in adult male spanking. “People who have spanked for as many years as I have are considered doctors of their trade,” he reasons. His gentle demeanor and hypnotic voice contrast with a gaunt, villainous gaze that seems to wander. It’s as if Mr. Rogers had broken bad instead of Walter White.
Drawing from more than 30 years of administering spank therapy and pointing to a 2005 Russian study from the Novosibirsk Institute of Medicine on corporal punishment, Dr. Don says spanking’s therapeutic benefits include…
Naturally, spanking started out as a hobby for Dr. Don. “I enjoyed spanking and began doing it for fun,” he says. “A businessman was referred to me, and I spanked him — the whole nine yards. When we were done, he put $100 down on my desk and said, ‘I’m a married man. It’s got to be a business transaction or I can’t do it.’ I thought, People will actually pay me to do this? It had never dawned on me that that would happen. So I put an ad in the paper.”
The ad read: “My name is Don. I’m a heterosexual real dad looking for young men who grew up without a dad. You missed the bonding between father and son, but I can provide you with something else: Discipline with a good ol’ fashioned spanking. To be clear, this isn’t for a sexual connection, but the real experience of being spanked. $20 an hour.”
“Man, did my phone light up like crazy!” he says. “I didn’t realize there were so many straight guys who were into getting spanked. I thought, Oh my god! Is this possible? I was getting so many people taking up my time that I figured if I raised the price to $50 it would discourage some people. It didn’t change a thing.”
Today, his clients fly in from all over the world to pay $175 for a 1-hour session. They continue to be exclusively men. “Women’s asses aren’t good for spanking — they’re like saddle bags hanging over that you can’t contain,” he says.
His clients almost all also work high-stress jobs. “I have three trial lawyers who come from the courthouses to get spanked on their lunch hour,” Dr. Don explains. “They call it their ‘mini-vacation’ — a chance to clear their mind and give up control to someone else, which allows them to regain their focus and return to court with a clear mind.” Age-wise, the men he spanks are well into adulthood, usually somewhere between 35 and 60. “I endorse spanking your fully grown children,” he enthuses. “As long as you’re supporting them and they’re under your control on your dime — you whip their ass!”
Dr. Don says he raised a son on his own and spanked him so he wouldn’t get into trouble. “The last time I spanked him was when he was 19. He was in the Army and came home with a real mouth on him. I said, ‘You’re disrespecting me.’ I grabbed him, threw him over my knee, pulled his underwear down and started whacking him right in front of his friends.”
My session starts in Dr. Don’s bedroom, where what appears to be a replica of the Mayflower is bookended by pastel portraits of his parents. (Ironically, he was a good kid who never got spanked.)
Dr. Don arranges his weaponry on the bed. “These are the implements we work with,” he explains. There’s a homemade plywood paddle (“I call this the ‘beginner paddle’ because it’s thin”); the back end of a wooden bath brush (“very stingy”); a plastic kitchen utility spoon (“hitting the crack with this will send a sensation up through the balls”); a studded leather mallet (“weighted, for impact”); a collar (“for guys who want to feel like slaves and prefer to be on a leash”); a wooden cane (“my grandmother would go out and cut a switch like this from a tree”); and something called a “leather strapper” with a double tongue at the end (“this is what made the priest cry when I used it on him. He said, ‘Holy Jesus, I just saw the face of God!’”).
He invites me to undress and join him in the other room. “If there’s anything curious you want to try just bring it with you.”
Each spanking session begins with a conversation, Dr. Don says, in which he learns why the client believes they deserve to be spanked. He takes it from there, explaining what they did wrong, why it’s wrong and what better choices they could’ve made before announcing that the consequence will be a spanking. “People use me as a confessional,” he says. “They revert back to what it was like when they were a kid. They did something wrong, and their dad punished them. Then it was over, and they could move on with a clean slate.”
He directs me to crawl across his lap on the couch to assume the over-the-lap position that he explains is most common, since it allows for
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