Sorority Blowjob
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Sorority Blowjob
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Sex. Celebrity. Politics. With Teeth
Sex. Celebrity. Politics. With Teeth
The Deranged Sorority Girl's Guide to Your First Double Blowjob
Jezebel's Crush of the Week: Jennette McCurdy
Chanté Adams Did 'as Much Research as Possible' for 'A League of Their Own'
Jezebel's Crush of the Week: Jennette McCurdy
Chanté Adams Did 'as Much Research as Possible' for 'A League of Their Own'
Things were going pretty good for you, weren't they? You were just living your modest little pleasurable life, handing out solo blowjobs as much as possible, content in the fact that you were pretty good at them, and that they were going how they were supposed to go — with a beginning, a middle, and an end. Some of them were even admirably slummy, at least for your neck of the woods. But then you read the Deranged Sorority Girl Cuntrepreneur Rebecca Martinson's new Vice column about her first double beej, and your face fell. Why? Why did you do that?
I always like to picture sororities as places where college girls stage elaborately decorated…
As you scanned the low-down and dirty 1,000 words on the ultimate non-event, " My First Double Blowjob ," you pulled your trembling hand over your agape, single-blowjob giving mouth because you knew in the deepest part of your throat, way in the back, that this would never happen to you.
I told Kiki I'd give her a free bottle of Burnett's if she blew my boyfriend. A handle of Burnett's costs around $15, which was about $2.6 million to us, considering we were college freshmen who had no clue how to budget and had already spent $900 drunk-eating Papa John's in one semester. To us, cheap ass liquor was like golden liquid inside a diamond encrusted bottle. Who wouldn't suck a dick for that?
Not just a protein shake LyfeFuel takes a holistic approach to nutrition to deliver essential nutrients we might miss when we’re rushing to eat throughout the day.
Douchebag couldn't get his dick up.
I don't know how he couldn't get a boner. I distinctly recall him refraining from chugging vodka so he could get it up. I distinctly recall licking Kiki's right nipple for no reason whatsoever other than that we were both hammered and topless. I also distinctly recall Kiki giving up, because if two moderately attractive topless girls can't get you hard, what will?
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Sex. Celebrity. Politics. With Teeth
Sex. Celebrity. Politics. With Teeth
Sorority 'Dick Sucking Queen' Writes Truly Unhinged Graduation Letter
Sorority life teaches young ladies many important lessons throughout their college tenures: sisterhood, service, and, if this graduation from one nutty sorority girl is to be believed, dick sucking.
A letter sent, for some reason , to Total Sorority Move details the lessons one very angry and very horny (but mostly angry) sorority sister learned during her time in higher education. I'm happy to report that it is blessedly unhinged. I'm sad to report that it's no Rebecca Martinson "cunt punt" treatise; in fact, in our post-Cunt Punt world, letters like this feel derivative.
We're not sure why the letter was sent to TSM, and neither are they — but it landed in their inbox from the author herself. And why cloud the enjoyment of a minor nutty masterpiece with questions of logistics? Let's celebrate Shakespeare's 450th birthday in the most appropriate of ways: with a Hamlet-esque soliloquy on alienation, participation, self-regard, and dicks.
It's me, your favorite ghost senior of the sorority. Yeah, you little bitches probably don't even know who I am because I'm the one who doesn't show up to shit because its pointless and when I do, I sneak out like two hours in when important people aren't looking. Learn from my way little ones, cheating the system is how you get through life. Now, even though the majority of you bitchez don't know who I am, you really should have gotten to know me though, I would have made your year fucking awesome. Ask [name] and [name], they may have some choice words and stories to tell about me.
Alright, so me being a senior, not even knowing how the fuck I made it this far in life without killing myself because I am a dumb fuck, I was told by our officers who think they rule the fucking world to leave a senior will….so I'm going to be so blunt and truthful with you sloots you will learn everything you need to know about college right here in this letter…
1. Have sex. Have sex with as many boys as you can. Well, not exactly, check out their penis first. Dick pics are God's gift to women. Make sure you inspect the goods before you let it penetrate you vagina. Having sex is awesome. The best thing you can do for your sex life is to learn to love sucking dick. It is one of my favorite pastimes. I could suck dick for like 7 minutes, anything after that is too long. You should have definitely made your man bust his load all in your mouth in 7 minutes. If you can't achieve that, sorry sweetheart but you have better chances at becoming a lesbo than getting dick.
2. Swallow that load If you are one of those "classy" ladies who don't swallow. Go crawl into a hole with Ellen DeGeneres and learn to eat pussy, because that is what you are. Spitting is for quitters, you swallow that sweet 'n' salty mix like the real woman you are. Your man for the night will forever tell his bro's about you dick sucking abilities. Oh, if you haven't noticed by now, I love sucking dick. I crowned myself the dick sucking queen and no one is ever taking that title from me, so back the fuck off.
3. Blackout or Back the Fuck Out If you are getting ready to hit the square or frats with your sisters you better have already been pounding some liquor by 7pm. No one ever enjoys a sober sally, she judges the fuck out of you and even though I judge everyone who is within 4 feet of me, no one can judge me. I live my life by a double standard (see number 4). It is a really great feeling to wake up hopefully in your bed, and look to your side with a confused look asking yourself "did I have sex with him?". It has happened to me countless times, but luckily I always find my used condoms on the floor of my room so I sorta know when I have had sex. I bring home classy dudes. On several occasions, I have brought home someone from the bar and tried to introduce him to my roommates/friends and forgotten his name. Always have the upper hand, you don't need to know his name to hop on his tic tac.
4. Live your life by a double standard You are queen of the fucking world. You can do no wrong. You're the only one who can fuck random's every weekend and not be judged. You're the shit and no one can tell you any different. You can yell at your slut roommate and tell her that her bedroom is a revolving door even though you hooked up with two different guys in two days, it could have been three but who is counting anymore? Excuses are your new best friend, not that fake fucking Yurman your sleazy ex got you because he was a two pump chump. You better start having excuses memorized like the 6-carat princess cut engagement ring your rich as fuck future boyfriend better get you in a few years you have memorized. I live my life by the absolute biggest double standard and it has gotten me so far, you young sloots better start doing the same. We need someone good to be the next A of [sorority].
So, you fucking lucky little bitches have a few more years to run out mommys credit card, while crying to daddy that you have no money in your account so he slips you some cash for booze and weed. Spend that cash you don't have on illegal drugs unless you're one of the blessed who is already so fucked up you stumbled upon prescription drugs. If that's the case, hit me up ;). Remember, wrap it before you tap it, no one wants the herps, and if you can, always be slightly drunk. Life will be so much better.
While much of modern civilization is dependent on rapidly dwindling fossil fuels, unhinged sorority girls are an ever renewable resource. If only we could discover a way to convert their power into electricity, our fracking anxiety would be over.
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