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My son’s behaviour towards his sister and me is inappropriate
Something is clearly going on with your son, and you need to find out what, says Annalisa Barbieri
‘You may not have found porn on his computer, but that does not mean he hasn’t been exposed to it.’ Illustration: Lo Cole/The Guardian
Last modified on Mon 22 Mar 2021 07.50 GMT
My son is 12 and on the cusp of puberty. For the last six months, his behaviour towards me and his 15-year-old sister has become oversexualised and inappropriate. This has included making lewd remarks and suggestions to her. He often grabs her, or strokes her hair or arms. He does the same to me, using language that sounds like lyrics from suggestive love songs. When going to and from the bathroom, he exposes himself and makes lewd remarks.
We’ve made it clear we don’t like it and want him to stop. He laughs and says he didn’t mean it. He rarely behaves like this in front of his father (we all live together). He goes to an all-boys school and I haven’t had reports of this there.
I’m at the end of my tether. I want to show him, in front of his sister, that his behaviour could be classed as criminal. I’ve tried punishments that we use for other poor behaviour. Sometimes this stops him temporarily. In general, he is quite an anxious, angry and unhappy person at home. I monitor his internet access and I haven’t found evidence he watches porn or adult content. He mostly uses it for gaming.
Teenagers often test the boundaries with their parents, but it’s not usual for boys to make suggestive sexual comments to female members of the family, and less usual still that they expose themselves. This is the age they tend to become more self-conscious and inhibited – so something is clearly going on with your son and you need to find out what.
I contacted Graham Music, a psychotherapist (childpsychotherapy.org.uk) who has worked extensively with children and adolescents – especially troubled ones – and has written several books on the subject.
We both wondered what your husband’s reaction to your son’s behaviour was – whether or not he witnesses it himself? He needs to be more involved than he seems to be. It’s important for men to call out inappropriate behaviour in other men, and that starts in the home.
Music said that, often, if children are experiencing something they cannot deal with, they will seek to make others feel what they are feeling. It’s as if they are throwing it out there to say, “This is what I’m dealing with.” So the child who feels shame may seek to make others ashamed, the child who feels left out rejects others, and so on. “You don’t often act out so overtly unless you’ve been exposed to something that’s been overwhelming,” explains Music.
You may not have found porn or adult content on his computer, but that does not mean he hasn’t been exposed to it. It is likely he will have seen something. He could have seen or heard something via gaming; get more involved (you and your husband) in what he does online, which is best done by showing an interest rather than hectoring.
The fact he’s angry and anxious worries me further. Was he always like this? Music asks: “How did your son deal with unhappiness as a child?”
I would also talk to the school to get a better picture of what’s going on there. “Is he being bullied, and is he bullying you and his sister in turn?” asked Music. Has he recently changed schools?
My sister is being abused by her husband. What can I do?
Music was also interested in the dynamics of your house: “Who else lives there, what else is going on there, what are the power dynamics between you and your husband?”
There was scant information in your letter and little curiosity about why your son is doing this. The key to stopping it is to understand why he’s doing it. “It could be sexual urges,” said Music, “or it could be he’s using the sexual as a language to enact something else, like asserting power.” How do you generally deal with feelings in the family? Are they allowed or are they buried? Your son might have noticed and enjoyed getting a reaction out of you. But, again, you need to look at why he feels this compulsion.
In the meantime, his behaviour must be addressed and your daughter told she can react to protect herself. “Boundaries and authority are essential,” says Music, “But you and your husband need to set those up together. Try to stop his behaviour and then work out why it’s happening. Your son needs to understand there are consequences, but you need to make space to think about why he’s doing this.”
Every week Annalisa Barbieri addresses a family-related problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Annalisa on a family matter, please send your problem to ask.annalisa@theguardian.com. Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions: see gu.com/letters-terms.
Comments on this piece are premoderated to ensure the discussion remains on the topics raised by the article. Please be aware that there may be a short delay in comments appearing on the site.
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When this mom returned home after an outing, she never expected someone so special to be waiting inside for her.
In the video below, posted on July 24, 2017, mom is standing in her garage and opens up a white door that leads inside her home. She swings it open, but doesn't look up just yet.
Little does she know, her son, who had spent months living abroad, set up a hidden camera in that very room and is now standing right next to it. The young man named Mitchell waits silently as his mom gathers her things and fully walks inside.
She finally looks up and in that very moment, she gasps with her eyes bulging.
She is in disbelief that her son is standing directly in front of her, making this the ultimate surprise.Her jaw drops even further as she moves closer. Then, the mom throws herself into his arms and squeezes tight, happy and grateful to have her son back in Utah.
"Surprise, mom!" Mitchell tells her, although she can't seem to get over what is happening.
In the end, the entire family is reunited and Mitchell reveals that he caught the whole thing on hidden camera. Although his parents are taken aback, they couldn't have asked for a better moment.
Check out this son's hidden camera surprise for his mom in the video below, and please SHARE if you think this was super sweet!
Nine-year-old Carter and his 7-year-old sister Etta had been on many flights with their family before, but the first flight they ever took without their parents turned into a complete and utter disaster. It's every parent's worst nightmare made a reality — but the kids' adventure was more complex than anyone could have bargained for.
On the evening of July 22, 2018, Carter and Etta boarded a flight from Des Moines, Iowa, to Orlando, Florida. They were coming home after visiting their grandparents.
The siblings' mom waited for them at the airport in Orlando, but she never spoke to anyone with the airline while waiting or making her pick-up plans. She had no clue that severe weather had diverted her kids' plane to Atlanta.
Carter and Etta's parents were totally out of the loop until Carter was able to use another unaccompanied minor's cellphone to call his dad, Chad, after midnight.
Chad claims an airline employee drove the pair of unaccompanied siblings, in her own personal vehicle, to a nearby Holiday Inn — without his permission.
There were reportedly four other unaccompanied minors in the hotel room, plus the one female airline employee who drove them there.
The airline, however, has a different story to tell — but Chad is so furious that he's now going after the company in a big way. Are they in the right? Or should the airline have done more?
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