Son Has Sex With Mom
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Son Has Sex With Mom
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This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Darcy Davies Alsop. It has been edited for length and clarity.
I was annoyed when I heard that the actor Alicia Silverstone had been criticized for sharing a bed with her 11-year-old son, Bear.
It's her choice and nobody else's business. I just thought, "Her child is loved and cared for."
That was my philosophy when my son, Gavin, slept in my bed until he was 14.
Doctors will say "do this" and "do that," but their views may be antiquated. These so-called "rules" about co-sleeping are ridiculous.
It's whatever works for your family. Isn't a healthy and well-rested kid the goal here? The same applies to the parents.
Gavin started out sleeping in the bedroom I shared with my husband, Chris. He would like in one of those bassinets that you attach to your bed that make it easier to nurse . He graduated to a proper crib at three months' old. But he didn't like to self-soothe and we'd have to rock him to sleep.
We tried sleep training. I'd sit outside the door crying as much as the baby. I had pangs of guilt and thought, "It's horrible, and I can't do this." Then we bought this gizmo that vibrated under his crib. It took two weeks to work, but he'd get through the night without waking up.
However, around the age of two, Gavin figured out how to climb out of his crib, and that was the end of it. He'd come into our room and crawl into bed. Whenever we put him back in his crib, he'd come back out almost immediately.
Sometimes, we'd wake up in the morning, and he'd be there between us. We soon realized that sharing a bed was the only option.
It began to get crowded around the time he was 5. But we didn't stop. We'd laugh about it being "musical beds." My husband would start off with us and then go into Gavin's room while I stayed with him. But when Gavin called out for his dad, Chris would get up to be with him.
We all got quality sleep. We needed to sleep, and that's what we got. I'm one of those people who turns into a monster and doesn't function without it.
Our second child was born when Gavin was 9. Like him, they started out in the co-sleeping crib. When they were older — but still a baby — Gavin and I would sleep with them in the bed. My husband would sleep on the bottom bunk of Gavin's bed. He'd get up at 5.30 a.m. to go to work and not wake us up.
My second kid, Piper, has a different personality than Gavin. It's like the opposite end of the spectrum. They didn't have the same needs and settled into their crib in their own room before moving to a bed. Piper has never said they felt like an outsider because they didn't sleep with us.
As for sex, there'd be windows when the kids were sleeping, and we'd go into the spare room. Those stolen moments felt like an adventure together.
Some people seem to have hang-ups about partners not sleeping together. They think you need to do it to have a happy marriage. Chris and I — who are 52 and 50 respectively — have been married for 26 years.
Gavin stayed in our bed on and off until he went to high school at 14. He drifted into his own bedroom. It was a natural transition. It was probably a combination of puberty, his own sexuality, and wanting private time. But he's still connected and cuddly.
He's 23 now. He sleeps fine by himself but prefers to have someone by his side. I'm relaxed about girlfriends staying with him at our home in Orange County, California.
We've often joked that Gavin has a "gravitational pull" toward us. It's nice. He'll say, "I'm really glad that you guys slept with me. It's given me security."
As for Alicia Silverstone and her son, they should continue to do whatever works. I think she's a good mother.
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