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Austin, TX
Brooklyn, NY
Chicago, IL
Denver, CO
Houston, TX
Los Angeles, CA
New York, NY
Portland, OR
San Diego, CA
San Francisco, CA
Seattle, WA
Washington, DC
Mental Health
Addiction
Anxiety
ADHD
Asperger's
Autism
Bipolar Disorder
Chronic Pain
Depression
Eating Disorders
Personality
Passive Aggression
Personality
Shyness
Personal Growth
Goal Setting
Happiness
Positive Psychology
Stopping Smoking
Relationships
Low Sexual Desire
Relationships
Sex
Family Life
Child Development
Parenting
Talk to Someone
Find a Therapist
Find a Treatment Center
Find a Psychiatrist
Find a Support Group
Find Teletherapy
Trending Topics
Coronavirus Disease 2019
Narcissism
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Bias
Affective Forecasting
Neuroscience
We all harbor secrets. Some are big and bad; some are small and trivial. Researchers have parsed which truths to tell and which not to.
Posted June 19, 2019
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Reviewed by Matt Huston
I often talk with my clients about “solo sex” and “partnered sex.” If you Google “solo sex," you will see that the majority of articles refer to masturbating, and that seems to be how most of my clients understand the term. But instead, I want you to expand your conceptualization of “solo sexuality ” to include much more. Because I think that if you do, your sex life will improve.
So what do I mean when I say “solo sex” and “solo sexuality”? Yes, I can be referring to masturbating by yourself; to me, that’s just one aspect of it. I’m also talking about your internal experience of your sexuality and your chosen external expression of that internal experience. This can include your romantic, sensual, erotic, and sexual fantasies ; your turn-ons, turn-offs, and how you relate to them (if you don’t understand what I mean by this just think of the ashamed fetishist); how you experience your sexuality in your body sensually, erotically, and sexually; your relationship to pleasure; how you utilize your mind and body to express this sexuality (here’s where masturbating comes in, and this can also mean things like how you dress or dance or when and where you choose to feel sexual feelings and with whom); and even things like that pleasurable and fun zing you get when you see an attractive person on the street, or the decision-making involved when you decide to flirt with that cute barista who makes your latte every Friday just the way you like it.
Do you see what I mean now? Solo sexuality needs to encompass all this and more, because your solo sexuality is your first and primary sexual relationship and it is a relationship you have for your entire life regardless of your external relationship status. It can and does change over the course of your life as you grow and have new experiences, both challenging and successful. Unfortunately for a lot of people, their solo sexuality can also cause immense confusion, fear , and shame .
Based on the clients I have seen over the years and speaking in generalizations, it seems that a lot of men, regardless of sexual orientation , seem to understand my definition of solo sexuality. They have already had hundreds if not thousands or more private experiences with themselves and their solo sexuality. Many women seem to need some help with this idea. Many of my female clients do not have a solid understanding and acceptance of—or experience pleasure with—their solo sexuality. There are a lot of possible causes for this: our culture’s fear of a truly sexually empowered and embodied woman; the taboo nature of female pleasure; and how female sexuality has historically been minimized, denied, or thought to be there for the purpose of men. Some women feel uneasy about masturbating and some feel that they should (there’s that word again) only experience their sexuality in a partnered setting. It’s not just some women who have this latter belief. Other subsets of people who seem to need help with embracing the idea of solo sexuality are members of a few religions and those in some 12-step programs that say partnered sex is the only acceptable sex one can have.
Another thing I tell clients who have little understanding or acceptance of, or pleasure with, their solo sexuality is that their pleasure during partnered sex is dependent upon their understanding of their solo sexuality. In my experience, there is a direct correlation: How can you tell your partner where or how you like to be touched if you have not explored your body on your own? In the absence of that knowledge, these clients stressfully default to focusing on their partner’s experience: “I’ll just make it about you tonight." So long as their partner isn’t pathological, at first this can be experienced as being given a gift and/or having a sexually generous partner. But it has been my experience that if this behavior happens repeatedly over time it is inevitable that their partner will want them to become invested in a mutually pleasurable sexual experience. Their partner is asking for a sexual equal. What’s more feminist than that? This means knowing what you like and want sexually in a partnered experience. So, again, we are back where we started: developing a relationship with and understanding your solo sexuality. It’s a worthy endeavor.
Diane Gleim is an experienced and sex-positive Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Certified Sex Therapist.
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Psychology Today © 2022 Sussex Publishers, LLC
We all harbor secrets. Some are big and bad; some are small and trivial. Researchers have parsed which truths to tell and which not to.
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Maressa Brown is a journalist and astrologer who's a regular lifestyle contributor and resident astrologer for InStyle. She has nearly two decades of professional experience writing, reporting, and editing lifestyle content for a variety of digital and print consumer-facing publications including Parents, Shape, Astrology.com, and more. She is currently based in Los Angeles and completing her first title with Artisan Books to be published in early 2023.
It goes without saying that many of us are spending more time at home than we ever have before. We're also trying our darndest to manage the multitude of stressors that are popping up a la whack-a-mole. If your current situation could stand to be infused with more relaxation — and more pleasure — there has never been a better time to master masturbation.
"Self-pleasure has many physical, mental, and emotional benefits," says Shannon Chavez, Psy.D., a psychologist and sex therapist in Los Angeles . For instance, it relieves both physical and emotional stress, floods your body with feel-good, pain-killing endorphins, and orgasms release chemicals and hormones that boost immunity , Chavez points out.
One of the biggest benefits that comes along with masturbation is one we could all certainly use now after the past few stressful and uncertain years: "A release of oxytocin makes you feel safe and calm," Chavez says, adding that masturbation can also be helpful if you're dealing with sleep issues. Another perk: "It improves circulation and blood flow. The benefits to your skin are better than a day at the spa." (Seriously, have you ever seen how your skin can glow after an otherworldly orgasm?) But the long-term benefits of masturbation can also go far deeper. "It can also improve self-esteem and body image by reducing sexual and genital shame."
Talk about a persuasive case for elevating your masturbation game. Here, 16 tips for solo sex that's sure to be fire.
If you're so stressed that sex of any kind feels like the last thing on your mind, you'll do well to start with simple non-sexual activities that will get you out of your head and into your body. A few options:
Make a playlist. "Music helps manage stress and relax the mind and body," Chavez notes. "More upbeat music can help you feel more energized and alert and slower music can calm the mind and release tension in the body by relaxing your muscles."
Practice mindfulness. "Any preparative mindfulness breathing exercise can be a great beginning to a fuller sense of one's own embodiment," says Sari Cooper, an AASECT-certified sex therapist and director of the Center for Love and Sex who is offering virtual sex therapy during the pandemic. She recommends the Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) , which calls for zeroing in on one point of focus, usually the inhalation and exhalation of each breath. "As you practice this mindfulness breathing, you'll become better adept at observing your thoughts as separate things that can be set aside for the moment to bring the focus back to your breath and your body," says Cooper. "Start with five minutes and work up to 10, 15, and then 30 minutes a day."
Take a hot bath. Not only will slipping into a warm tub release tension in the body and create a soothing ambiance for relaxation and peacefulness after a long day, but you'll also prime your body through sensual touch and massage for self-pleasure by using your favorite soaps, oils, and bath sponge, Chavez says.
Stretch. Any movement is beneficial for physical health but stretching can urge tight, tense muscles to chill out, relaxing the body and amplifying blood flow, both of which can improve arousal and orgasm, according to Chavez.
Have an impromptu dance party. "This can loosen up your muscles and energize the body," says Chavez. "It can also be a playful or seductive and a way to explore your body through movement." Start by giving yourself a striptease or naturally release tension in the body by shaking your arms and legs, she suggests — "it's a primal instinct that we have socially unlearned in order to appear in control and it can bring you to a state of balance and prepare you for self-pleasuring."
Chavez recommends focusing on feeling yourself sensually before diving into sexual stimulation. You can start from your head and work your way down, running your hands through your hair, massaging your neck and shoulders, caressing your breasts and belly, and massing your inner thighs.
From there, you might begin to touch your genitals through your clothing or underwear or use your palm to massage the pubic mound, the fleshy tissue above the top of the vulva area, or give your clitoris a sensual massage. Don't hold back from making noises, if you're so inspired. "It can signal to the brain that you are aroused and increase sensations in the body," says Chavez.
And if this is new for you, this is also a good time to let go of any shame or guilt, says Jessica Baum , founder of the Relationship Institute of Palm Beach. "Give yourself permission to look at this as an exploration of your body," she notes. There's no one 'right' way to masturbate.
When you feel aroused enough to start massaging your clitoris, go slowly and gently to start, and pay attention to your breathing, recommends Alissa Vitti, women's hormone expert, author of WomanCode , and founder of FLO Living .
"Approach your clitoris with light strokes at first, and breathe deeply into your abdomen," she advises. "Many women stop breathing during stimulation, which then limits their sensation. You need oxygen to start a fire with your clitoris."
You might already recognize that you get extra horny just before your period or when you're mid-cycle and ovulating, but having a more acute awareness of what your hormones are up to can support your self-pleasuring efforts. "If you are in a phase like the ovulatory phase or the first half of the luteal phase, then you will have the added boost from an estrogen and testosterone surge driving both your interest in sex and your ease in achieving climax," explains Vitti.
"So, don't judge yourself if you are not interested in self-pleasuring during your bleeding week or your follicular phase," says Vitti. "If you want to self-pleasure, then add lube, as these are both 'dry' phases and it will take more support to achieve climax."
Chavez recommends checking out an app called Dipsea , which offers sexy audio stories and intimate guided sessions which are touted as relatable, celebratory, and featuring people who are "empowered in their sexual, social, and romantic experiences."
If you're more visual, think about movie scenes that have turned you on in the past and pull them up online, or recall fantasies that have previously gotten you hot and search for porn that has that theme attached to it, advises Cooper. Pro tip: If you're new to porn, dip your toe in by checking out XConfessions.com , run by indie, feminist adult filmmaker Erika Lust, who makes short erotic films that are smart and sex-positive.
Getting comfortable is key to getting off, so invest some time setting up a luxurious, relaxing space that lends itself to letting go. "Use pillows or blankets to create a 'masturbation nest' that is comfortable for different positions," advises Chavez. You might want to put one under your butt to elevate your hips and give you easier access. And you could also try sitting in a lotus position or Baddha konasana (Butterfly pose), which opens the hips and vulva area.
While exploring your body on your back or side in bed might be your go-to, you might find extra excitement from an unexpected position. "We need variety with sexual pleasure," says Chavez. "Novelty helps spark sexual desire so you need to experiment with your pleasure and orgasm. It can also be a rehearsal for partnered sex to figure out what feels good for you, so that it's easier to communicate with a partner."
For all of those reasons, try touching yourself while standing up. "You'll get better access to your genitals while also being able to watch yourself in a mirror," says Chavez.
Speaking of the mirror, watching yourself in any position can intensify your experience. "This can be helpful for those looking to let go of sexual shame during sex," notes Jess O'Reilly, Ph.D., resident sexologist at ASTROGLIDE . "The more comfortable you are with your own reactions, the more likely you'll be to ask for what you want with a partner."
If you're not feeling immediately amped to masturbate fully in front of a mirror, you can ease into it. "Perhaps, you begin in the dark or position the mirror so that you can only see your facial responses before adjusting to enjoy a view of your entire body," says O'Reilly.
You can boost the amount of friction — and, in turn, sensation — you're getting from your hand or vibrator by squeezing your legs around a pillow, explains Chavez. "Rub against the pillow or rock your hips back and forth while stimulating yourself with your hand or vibrator," she says.
While we tend to think of lube as an aid for penetrative, coupled sex, you'll also benefit from extra moisture, slip, and, depending on the product, blood flow during a solo sex session. Chavez recommends reaching for a clitoral stimulating gel like Sliquid O Gel or Omax O-Shot CBD Arousal Oil .
If you're in a state where THC products are legal, you could check out a THC-infused lube, or go the CBD route with Foria's CBD-infused Arousal Oil, Awaken , which also contains organic botanicals designed to support pleasure. Chavez recommends starting with a quarter size amount you'll massage all over the external tissue of the vulva, inside the vaginal canal, or anterior wall where the G-spot is located, as well as o
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