Solo Oral Sex
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Solo Oral Sex
I Tried 3 Of The Trendiest Oral Sex Toys And My Solo Sex Life Was Forever Altered
Needless to say, I had a lot of fun writing this.
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At SELF, Lindsey has specialized in culture, love, and sex, but also written about health, food, fitness, and beauty. Prior to SELF, Lindsey wrote about fashion and entertainment for NYLON and Mashable .
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I'm a 22-year-old living in New York City on a just-graduated-college budget. I've been single for, like, two years now. And the last time I "got any" was several months ago—not because I'm a total trash heap (high praise, I know), but because I like TV shows more than I like most people. Needless to say, my sex life hasn't exactly been flourishing. And thanks to that post-college budget I mentioned, my solo sex life hasn't been looking so hot either. (Manual masturbation can get seriously old after a while—for me, at least—and vibrators are expensive, y'all!)
But recently, something incredible happened: My editor asked me to review three trendy sex toys . This! This was the answer to my solo sex life prayers! This was enough to hold me over until my inner serial monogamist became satisfied with another human being! And, most importantly, this was my chance to have a Sex And The City moment (the one practically every girl dreams of even if she won't admit it)!
I excitedly requested samples of the products (full disclosure: I received them all for free) and prepared for my role as SELF's modern-day Carrie Bradshaw. Would these toys cause a big O or a big NO? Would electric love live up to the hype? Would it be worth it to switch from manual to automatic? Cheesy SATC -inspired questions aside, I did sit down and test three of the hottest sex toys on the market—and I did it for you. Because this is journalism, and I'm here to cut through the advertorial BS to let you know which sex toys are actually worth shelling out the big bucks for. Let's dive in.
Fiera is a small pink device here to aid the "millions of women who are concerned about their level of sexual desire or arousal," according to its website . It's not designed specifically to simulate oral sex or anything, but its suction-based nature makes it more oral-like than most other toys. Fiera was cute and easy to operate (just put it over your clitoris, flip the switch, and voila !), so I popped it on without giving it a second thought. Then, the waiting game began.
I let Fiera do its thing for about 10 minutes before realizing I wasn't reaching climax anytime soon—or, like, ever. As it turns out, Fiera is here to help you pregame sex—not finish the job. Once I figured that out, I realized it wouldn't really serve my purposes as a single lady. I could totally see how the light cupping vibration could help someone warm up for sex, though. So I'll keep this one on the back-burner for the next time a guy enters my life (and my vagina ).
Also of note: The first time I tried to use Fiera, I hadn't attached the "Sofsense ring," which is basically a buffer between the hard plastic toy and your vagina. This was a very unfortunate mistake and resulted in me low-key hurting myself. Not fun! Read directions, guys!
I erred on the side of really effing judgmental when I first opened the Womanizer (it has the same name as a Britney Spears song for Chrissake). Though the design was sleek (I got the White Chrome one—don't talk to me about some of the other colors and patterns), I couldn't get past one detail: The Womanizer comes complete with a Swarovski crystal power button. I'm sorry, but I can't even afford to adorn myself in fancy crystals. Why would I GAF about my sex toys being bedazzled?
Once I was able to move past that minor aesthetic hiccup, I settled in to enjoy what many have recognized as the hottest toy on the market right now. "My orgasms were fast and plentiful," they said . "I experienced clitoral stimulation like no other ." " If only men took a few pages from the Womanizer." Surely this couldn't live up to the hype. But my god, it did.
Just moments after turning on the Womanizer, I was hooked. I fooled with the intensity until I got it where I wanted it, and things began happening. My body tingled, my arms and legs shivered, and all the blood rushing around made me feel pretty euphoric. Before I knew it, boom— orgasm . And this wasn't one of those one-and-done orgasms either. Oh no, it was lengthy and intense—something I might even have to call earth-shattering . The Womanizer's site boasts users experiencing "waves of ecstasy that cause moments of absolute loss of control." And while that statement sounds like a load of hyperbolic ad fodder, it's not. That was an actual thing I experienced. I know—I can't believe it either.
Now, some have gone as far as saying the Womanizer feels like actual oral sex. I'm sorry to say that's not true. The silicone head doesn't feel like "a warm kiss" when it cups your clitoris. It feels like a silicone head. And while the toy is still excellent (seriously, 10/10), I don't want you thinking you're about to have the best oral sex of your life with a plastic toy. You're just not.
The Lelo ORA 2 might look like a technologically-savvy portable speaker, but it's actually a multi award-winning sex toy. (Sex toys can win awards? Who knew?!) The ring comes with a variety of settings—some of which vibrate in various patterns, and others that straight-up simulate oral sex. It took me a hot sec to figure out how it worked, but once I got it going, I sat back and enjoyed the ride.
Your experience with the ORA is going to fully depend on which setting you activate. The vibrating ones are pretty standard, but the close-to-oral-sex ones use a tongue-like feature to do some, ahem, interesting things to your clitoris. Though the toy doesn't feel quite like a tongue, it gets pretty damn close—something I'd never experienced from a sex toy before. Unfortunately, it wasn't enough to get me off. (I think I'm more of a vibration gal than an oral-sex simulator one, and I'm not really sure what that says about me.) Though the vibrating patterns were nice, the toy was too wide to give me the kind of targeted stimulation I wanted, leaving some things to be desired in the O arena. Still, that tongue feature is W I L D, so if that's your thing, go for it.
Taking a page from Carrie Bradshaw's book, I couldn't help but wonder, "Are oral sex toys the new sexual frontier?" Answer: Yes, they are, obviously.
In my time living that Carrie Bradshaw life, I didn't get broken up with via Post-It note or questionably cheat on good guy Aidan with Mr. Big. But I am three sex toys (and a whole lotta orgasms) richer, and thanks to my intrepid reporting, you can be, too.
SELF does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Any information published on this website or by this brand is not intended as a substitute for medical advice, and you should not take any action before consulting with a healthcare professional.
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Each week, we walk you through a specific (and expert-backed) technique so you feel confident both giving and receiving head.
IMO, few things in this world are sexier than oral sex (one of those few things being Harry Styles’s performance at the 2021 Grammys). However! There’s no denying that—whether you’re going down on someone or having someone go to town on you—it’s pretty damn intimate to be all up in someone’s ~private business~ for many minutes at a time. Oral sex may even make you feel straight-up uncomfy, and that’s okay! Even if you fancy yourself a fellatio aficionado or cunnilingus connoisseur (go get that watermelon sugar high!), there’s always room for improving your oral sex game, and we’re here to help.
Here’s the thing about giving head: Unless you’re participating in mutual oral sex, like in a 69 sex position , it’s typical that only one person is receiving at a time...which means there can be a lot of undue pressure to perform for the giver as well as some potential self-consciousness from being the center of attention for the recipient. But because oral sex puts both the giver and receiver in such a vulnerable position, it can make you feel that much more connected to your partner—plus, some people (especially those with clitorises) may find that it’s waaay more enjoyable than penetrative sex.
If you’re looking to both go down and eat out like a total pro, then this four-week challenge is calling your name. And we won’t just throw a bunch of tips at you (although there will be concrete advice, of course)—this “challenge” is also about becoming more comfortable with getting vulnerable *and* getting off in the process.
Over the course of this four-week challenge, you’ll learn:
This monthlong bootcamp is designed to help you boost your oral aptitude so that when it comes time to put your techniques into practice, you won’t be left staring down your partner’s genitalia like 😶. Remember: Successful oral sex isn’t just about knee-buckling orgasms —it’s also about growing intimacy, gaining sexual confidence, and having fun, so don’t put so much damn pressure on it, k? “People are afraid they aren’t going to be good at it, and they’re convinced that being good at it is the most important thing,” explains sex and non-monogamy educator Andre Shakti . “But in fact, the most important thing about oral sex is actually enthusiasm and being authentically enthusiastic about what you are doing.”
With each weekly task, the hope is that you become a *bit* more confident facing off with your partner’s goods—and having someone get reaaaally well-acquainted with your own. After all, if you’re feeling uneasy rather than feeling yourself, then it’s difficult (if not totally impossible!) to enjoy the moment. As Jess O’Reilly , PhD, host of the Sex With Dr. Jess podcast, says, “The key is to focus on your own pleasure first. Rather than worrying about performance or what your partner is feeling or thinking, tune into what you’re feeling in your body and do what feels pleasurable for you.”
It may also help you to keep in mind that orgasm shouldn’t be the central focus with oral sex. Whether you go down on someone during foreplay or as the main event, try to concentrate on making everyone feel good rather than making anyone come. “All we want—not just with oral sex but with any kind of sexual, intimate, erotic touch—is for our partner or partners to be loving what they’re doing to us as much as we are loving what we’re doing to them,” Shakti adds. And if it results in an orgasm, then that’s just a bonus!
Ready to become a gold-medal-winner of going down? Right this way, pls.
Before you start rounding third base, you’ll wanna make sure you’re t-o-t-a-l-l-y comfy with oral sex as a concept. Are you hesitant to give or receive head? Then now’s the time to figure out why. “Ask yourself what might be holding you back,” O’Reilly says. “What messages have you received about oral sex? How do these messages intersect with your identity?” If you’re a vulva owner who feels insecure while receiving oral from a man (probs because 🙃 internalized misogyny 🙃), then try to get to the root of your discomfort. Do you not like receiving oral, or do you not like worrying about how your genitals look/taste/smell while your partner’s going down on you?
If it’s the physical sensation of oral that’s overwhelming rather than feelings of self-consciousness, then you can always try having your partner eat you out while your underwear is still on so you have a barrier between you (more on that later). Using a dental dam can also help combat this problem—and it’s totally okay, too, if you find that the sensation of oral sex isn’t for you. But if you do like how it feels and you just wish you felt more relaxed while it’s happening, then getting acclimated with the feeling of oral sex on your own first may help.
The best place to start is with some experimentation. According to licensed psychologist and Modern Sex Therapy Institutes codirector Rachel Needle , PsyD, “To learn how to be a great oral sex giver, educate yourself about the human body and specific oral sex tips by reading books and articles or watching specific videos. Practice can be helpful in getting more comfortable.” And to become more at ease while receiving oral, it helps to figure out exactly what you like and need to reach the Big O.
How to do it: Are you a visual learner? Then perhaps you can try giving ethical porn a watch for tips and inspo—but watch with caution. “You can use porn as a starting point, but remember that porn is not produced for the purpose of education,” O’Reilly points out. After all, she says, porn is “produced for visual titillation,” so it doesn’t show many of the elements involved in actual sex, like conversations about consent and comfort levels or the potentially unsexy moments that can occur while getting intimate.
Shakti points out that there’s also “a really cool niche genre of explicit educational content,” pointing to websites like Kink University and Kink Academy , which have thousands of educational, erotic videos on sexual skill sets. “It blends a sexy porn scene that one could get off to—either solo or with a partner—with actual education,” she says.
You also may find tutorial videos to be of more assistance, such as O’Reilly’s Mind Blowing Oral video course or Shakti’s Blown Away: Killer Blow Jobs for All Bodies workshop. And yes, as silly as it might feel, you can practice on soft, silicone dildos and other phallic objects to build muscle memory if your partner has a penis. “Practice on a sex toy or even a popsicle,” suggests Needle. Using a frozen popsicle as a stand-in is particularly helpful, since you can tell if you’re incorporating your teeth—although, of course, some people may like the sensation of teeth, so remember to ask!
If you’re working on deep-throating and relaxing your throat during oral, Shakti recommends practicing on a banana. “Everybody’s gag reflex is different and that’s perfectly normal,” she says. “You basically have to train yourself to breathe in and out of your nose while holding your ‘yawn’ muscle in the back of your throat.” The next time you go to yawn, notice how the back of your throat flattens and opens— that is the muscle you wanna try and relax during oral.
And if your goal is to feel more relaxed in general while receiving, then it’s important to spend time focusing on your own pleasure as well, not just how you can give pleasure to a partner. As O’Reilly points out, “When you’re focused on your own pleasure, you can enjoy the experience in a more mindful and present way—and it will likely boost your confidence, which can lower inhibitions and self-consciousness.” Mindfulness apps and meditation apps can give you tips for staying present, as can tuning into your body and figuring out what feels good on your own without worrying about “performing” your pleasure for someone else.
You can even use toys that simulate oral sex —yes, really, they’re a thing—to become totally acquainted with the sensation. For those with vulvas, these clit-sucking toys are calling your name:
Yes, giving oral sex is largely about putting your mouth to work, but a big part of that work involves communication. The first (and probs most obvious) reason why it’s important: because you’re not a mind reader. “The best way to be sure you are rocking your partner’s world with oral sex is to ask what they enjoy,” says Needle. “Communication is so important, as you can have knowledge, practice, and skills, but what is enjoyable to one isn’t necessarily what turns another on.”
Outside of asking for consent and preferences and making sure your partner feels good, communication can also fill that awkward quiet space that’s otherwise filled with...ya know, weird mouth noises (*shudders*). “Keep the communication flowing freely,” O’Reilly suggests. “Let your partner know what you like—in terms of positions, movement, rhythm, and technique.” Through encouragement, narration, feedback, and a lil dirty talk , both the giver and receiver can keep their mouths busy when they’re not sucking or screaming (sry).
How to do it: While receiving oral sex, don’t be shy! Tell your partner exactly what feels good and what you’d like them to try. According to O’Reilly, saying things such as “ Hold me this
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