Soft Swap
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Soft Swap
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swinging
6/13/22
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Hank and Cleo are married 40-something realtors from northern New Jersey who can’t keep their hands off each other because of their secret life — the two enjoy “soft-swapping,” or cavorting naked with other couples in hotel rooms and at sex parties without ever “going all the way.”
“We don’t do intercourse but everything else is good,” Cleo told The Post. (She and the other soft-swappers interviewed for this article asked that their names be changed to protect their anonymity.)
“Soft-swapping” — or “soft-swinging” — is unusual enough that even noted sexperts weren’t overly familiar with the topic until a TikTok went viral earlier this month and brought attention to the saucy lifestyle .
“The whole group was intimate with each other,” Mormon social-media influencer Taylor Frankie Paul revealed on a TikTok livestream , referring to her and her husband Tate’s unorthodox relationships with other couples in Utah.
“Tate has made out with several girls and other things, and I’ve made out with all of the husbands and vice versa,” she added.
While Paul said soft-swinging contributed to the destruction of her marriage to Tate, experts say the “esoteric” practice can be a safer way for couples to get kinky.
“It could be a risk-mitigation strategy in that it allows for some degree of sexual novelty without taking as much risk for STIs and/or unintended pregnancy,” Dr. Justin Lehmiller, host of the “ Sex and Psychology Podcast ,” told The Post.
That’s the case for Donna, a 40-something Queens divorcée who enjoys the sex-party scene but soft-swaps to avoid the risks of going all the way.
“Right now I freak out about STDs and wish people had STD cards, like COVID cards,” Donna told The Post. She said the practice allows her to “enjoy” others in a way that’s more “comfortable” for her.
Hank and Cleo’s soft-swapping journey started around 2018. Over cocktails with girlfriends on a Caribbean vacation, Cleo shared how much she’d enjoyed occasional group experiences in college. Now that she was married, she felt like that was no longer an option.
A friend questioned her thinking, so Cleo decided to broach the subject with Hank. He was initially not amused.
“I said, ‘You’re outta your f- -king mind,’” Hank recalled with a laugh.
But his opinion quickly changed when he got “really turned on” filling out applications to NYC sex clubs Chemistry and Hacienda. Shortly thereafter, the couple found themselves enjoying the company of naked strangers, albeit with restrictions.
“Our do-or-die rule [is]: We do everything together in the same room at the same time,” Hank said.
That “everything” includes threesomes and foursomes. And while intercourse isn’t on the menu — making out, foreplay, mutual masturbation and oral sex are.
Cleo says soft-swapping feels like a more “feminist” way to indulge her fantasies since it’s not so focused on “thinking about the man’s pleasure,” but rather becomes a way to fulfill a “need to be touched but also psychologically aroused.”
“Another benefit of soft-swapping for women is that we have so many parts that feel good when touched, and realistically one person can’t get to all of them at once,” Cleo said.
Still, it hasn’t always been easy.
After their first trip to the Brooklyn-based sex party Chemistry, Cleo and Hank returned to their hotel as the sun rose over Manhattan and immediately had a screaming match in the street.
They argued over whether either of them had fun that night, or who’d had the most fun, before decamping to their suite to enjoy another hour of great sex together.
“We were just exhausted,” Hank said. “It was a big flood of emotions but I wouldn’t say jealousy plays any part in it,” he insisted.
The couple’s soft-swapping escapades may have brought them closer, too.
“I feel more people would be happier, and happier in their marriages, if they just opened them up a little,” Cleo said.
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Discussion Starter
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#1
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Aug 8, 2011
We just got back from camping with our best friends. During night we got drunk and we did soft swap while we naked. Seeing wife doing oral and getting oral turned me on so hard that almost forgot the man's wife on me. Never done that be fore or felt that aroused before. Am I sick? Do I need help? Our marriage strong and I love my wife. Has anyone done that before?
You said in another post you've already done this before while camping, no? Have your feelings about it changed since the first time?
Also, I wouldn't exactly call it swapping, more like group sex (even without intercourse), but either way it is all up to what you and your W want in your relationship. If you are both completely comfortable with it then there is nothing wrong, though for me I personally don't think I could cope with the feelings of jealosy or thought of her finding another man more pleasing than I. I wouldn't say you are sick at all, I'm sure there are lots of others out there into the same thing, we live one life and it is reasonable to try things that you think will bring you joy... however if you are having negative feelings about it you need to understand them before you pursue this lifestyle, and I think the communication would have to be really, really strong in order to protect your relationship with your W.
Discussion Starter
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#3
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Aug 8, 2011
My question is, why do I feel that way, what is wrong with me, is it wrong that this turning me on. it has no effect on my marriage, but the feeling that this might be wrong keep poping in my head.
it seems i'm the only one done that.
Do you feel sick? Do you feel you need help? Only you can answer those questions.
Discussion Starter
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#5
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Aug 8, 2011
Not sure if this normal or not, that what I ask myself.
I wouldn't say most men would be turned on by it but as long as you and your wife are happy, live and let live.
If you call what you are all doing "soft" I'm at a loss for rendering an opinion. Your boundaries are way out of line with my own.
Nobody can answer if this is normal. everyone has their own sense of normal. You'll get plenty of people here who strongly oppose these activities and others who take a more relaxed view. I think among those who do these activities, it is 'normal' to become aroused by them. If you are thinking that men only share their wives because they want the other guy's wife in return, I think you are mistaken. I think many if not most men who do this kind of thing do it because they enjoy seeing their wives with other men.
regarding Lon's post, if you have already said that you've done this before and now you are saying that you've just done this for the first time, then I question the veracity of this post.
Never done that be fore or felt that aroused before.
we have tried soft with friends during camping
Discussion Starter
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#11
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Aug 8, 2011
we have done with another girl before. never went to that level, just my concern was if I'm suppose to feel that way. sorry for confusions.
i saw most people talking how wrong it is and not suppose to that. and some saying no way, etc..
There is no way we know how you are "supposed" to feel. Only you can answer that.
Not everyone is into that. Some people are (you), some aren't. Only you know how you feel.
The feelings of arousal supposedly come from an instinct. When another man "takes" our woman, our instinct is to become aroused by that so that we can get in there and re-assert our dominance over her. The penis acts as a scoop to remove the other guys semen and replace it with our own. That doesn't make it right or wrong, but I think that is what you are wondering. It is "normal" to be aroused by this, but it is very dangerous territory emotionally speaking. I'd never give my wife to another man or woman.
You said in another post you've already done this before while camping, no? Have your feelings about it changed since the first time?
Also, I wouldn't exactly call it swapping, more like group sex (even without intercourse), but either way it is all up to what you and your W want in your relationship. If you are both completely comfortable with it then there is nothing wrong, though for me I personally don't think I could cope with the feelings of jealosy or thought of her finding another man more pleasing than I. I wouldn't say you are sick at all, I'm sure there are lots of others out there into the same thing, we live one life and it is reasonable to try things that you think will bring you joy... however if you are having negative feelings about it you need to understand them before you pursue this lifestyle, and I think the communication would have to be really, really strong in order to protect your relationship with your W.
Rectitude--Courage--Benevolence--Respect--Honesty--Honor--Loyalty
The feelings of arousal supposedly come from an instinct. When another man "takes" our woman, our instinct is to become aroused by that so that we can get in there and re-assert our dominance over her. The penis acts as a scoop to remove the other guys semen and replace it with our own. That doesn't make it right or wrong, but I think that is what you are wondering. It is "normal" to be aroused by this, but it is very dangerous territory emotionally speaking. I'd never give my wife to another man or woman.
Rectitude--Courage--Benevolence--Respect--Honesty--Honor--Loyalty
we have done with another girl before. never went to that level, just my concern was if I'm suppose to feel that way. sorry for confusions.
i saw most people talking how wrong it is and not suppose to that. and some saying no way, etc..
Rectitude--Courage--Benevolence--Respect--Honesty--Honor--Loyalty
My question is, why do I feel that way, what is wrong with me, is it wrong that this turning me on. it has no effect on my marriage, but the feeling that this might be wrong keep poping in my head.
it seems i'm the only one done that.
the important part is that you need to sit down with your wife and set boundaries on this behavior
if you want it to never happen then express that
if you do want to explore it then be real explicit with each other as to what the other person is comfortable with and abide by it
if you don't then you'll asking for big trouble
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Newbies please read this
My story
Nothing is wrong with you that you find it arousing, nearly everyone at some point or another have that fantasy of being with others and sharing with others.... I think many people have a boundary between fantasy and reality for many good reasons, because fantasy always has the potential to experience the good without the bad, wheareas reality has deeper consequences.
Nobody here is going to tell you what normal is, but all would agree that in a healthy marriage there are no secrets. So as long as you are open with each other and choose to do things as a couple then you have a chance of going through life together (which is what its all about).
However if you (or your W) are feeling in your gut you are doing something wrong you need to reconcile that emotion before doing this or else it WILL affect your marriage big time - you are playing with dynamite, if you are not careful it can destroy it. I think swinging/swapping is a risk most married couples don't want to take, but that doesn't necessarily make it wrong.
Discussion Starter
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#20
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Aug 9, 2011
you said you get arou sed when you see your husband, then Im not only one here. that what i was getting to.
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Like so many couples considering soft swap you may have been together for a long time and although you love your
Significant Other the excitement may have faded from your love life. It's not unusual and certainly nothing
to feel guilty about. It's actually very common. You may have found yourself looking at a member of the
opposite sex and thinking "I wonder?" I honestly believe that a good proportion of our current 50 % divorce rate is driven
by these circumstances. People cheat just to get a thrill back into their love lives.
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Last week's hot topic Are Rules Necessary?
Soft Swap is about satisfying that curiousity in a mutually agreeable manner. There are various
levels of Soft Swap and it is considered a mild form of Swinging . This is frequently the level first tried
prior to becoming Swingers . Many couples choose to stay at the lower level of participation in the
Swinger world. Please have a look at the definitions and rules in the side navigation column
Both you and your S.O should be in agreement as to the rules and mutually agreeable activities before entering into
arrangements with other members. This is not the time for surprises that can bring out feelings of
jealousy and derail your efforts.
Think back to your dating days. New people. Exciting times. Every time you started with a new
relationship the excitement of the discovery as things progressed, the thrill of a new lover. Soft Swap allows you and
your S.O. to recapture the excitement and mystery again. And depending on your level of participation; bring
those feelings home to:
Please join our forum. If you are new or contemplating the lifestyle please do not feel embarrassed to ask questions.
We ask that you treat other members with respect and dignity.
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The swinger lifestyle has long been taboo, however, everyone is skeptical about it. Whether accepted or not! Of course, swinging isn’t for everyone. but for those who want to play Softswap can be a good first step in testing the waters.
Maybe the reason why jerks tend to whisper is because we really don’t understand. Regular swingers are often part of a community of like-minded and fun people in their own way. As long as it’s consensual and everyone is having a good time. There is no place to judge.
Of course, increasing the idea of dating your partner can be daunting. Especially if you’ve never talked about it as a couple before. [Read: The do’s and don’ts of swinging you have to follow ]
If you don’t know The swinging lifestyle involved couples engaging in sexual activity with other couples. In some cases, they invited singles to bed called unicorns. There is no romantic feeling associated with swinging, and there are boundaries for each couple.
For example, a couple might agree that they can have sex with the other. but can’t kiss because it looks too intimate It may be that the couple is not having in-depth sex with the other partner. Instead, they did other activities. The swing in pairs can be done in any way you like. But it requires consent from all levels and both partners must be ready and comfortable with everything that happens.
Couples often use swinging websites to find other couples, attend invite-only parties, or find like-minded couples through word of mouth. Of course, safety must be taken into account. which is why many couples The couple therefore adhered to the official website. [Read: The sexy swinging lifestyle: How to make it work for you ]
As described by lifestyle people The soft switch is It’s a lighter style of swing compared to the “baby glove swing”. A “full exchange” where two or more couples exchange partners and have full sex with them. Soft exchanges are most associated with flirting, kissing, touching, and oral sex. But there is absolutely no sex.
Softswap is the gateway to serious swings. First timers usually do a soft swap initially to gauge their swing comfort level. and check if they can keep pushing their boundaries. The result is that soft swaps tend to make or break your swinging lifestyle. Many couples also use soft swaps to determine if this is something they want to continue. If after trying a smoother version One partner did not want to continue. The concept of swing will be discarded. [Read: Threesome tips and 20 things you HAVE to know before en
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