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Soft Bdsm Stories
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How To Keep Things Interesting When Taking It Slow
A Guide To BDSM Aftercare, According To An Expert
Aryelle Siclait
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Aryelle Siclait is the editor at Women's Health where she writes and edits articles about relationships, sexual health, pop culture, and fashion for verticals across WomensHealthMag.com and the print magazine.

Korin Miller
Korin Miller is a freelance writer specializing in general wellness, sexual health and relationships, and lifestyle trends, with work appearing in Men’s Health, Women’s Health, Self, Glamour, and more.


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Who, btw, says it's the safest kind of sex you can have.
Few things in life are as misunderstood as BDSM. The sex practice is often accused of being physically or mentally harmful, something that only survivors of abuse embrace, or abnormally kinky. But it's important for beginners to understand that it’s actually none of those things.
At its most basic, BDSM is an umbrella term for three categories: bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, and sadism and masochism (more details on those in a minute). They might each sound scary in their own right, but because they rely on a judgement-free zone where communication about your desires and boundaries come first, BDSM can actually be the safest (and most fun) kind of sex you can have, says Holly Richmond, PhD , a somatic psychologist and certified sex therapist.
“So much of our life is controlled, so for a lot of people, it's nice to be let off the hook," Richmond explains. Think about it: Your work schedule, rent payments, and (ugh) taxes are all set by external forces. BDSM offers a world of freedom to play, experiment, and allow someone else to take the reins—at your consent. Or on the flip side, if you're the one who likes to do the controlling, you get to call the shots for once.
“I like to call it ‘power play’ because, to me, that is at the heart of BDSM,” says sex expert Ian Kerner , PhD, author of She Comes First . “You’re able to use your imagination, create a scene, role play, and tap into themes that are interesting like submission and domination.”
If you’re a BDSM beginner, it can be tough to imagine BDSM as anything but a Red Room (thanks, Fifty Shades ) with chains and whips to excite you (à la Rihanna ). And though the practice typically does involve props, they don't make an appearance right off the bat. Instead, as a beginner, you'll want to take things slowly until you figure out what BDSM looks like for you and your partner(s), since someone else's methods won't necessarily get you going.
Also, keep in mind BDSM can take a little prep work, says Jess O’Reilly, PhD, host of the @SexWithDrJess Podcast . “Because BDSM can include activities that are new, intimidating, and risky, you need to proceed with care and caution,” she says. “Don’t assume that you can dive in head-first and re-enact a scene from a film or erotic novel without preparation, education, or experience.”
Below is everything you need to know if you’re thinking about trying your hand at BDSM so that the sexual encounter will leave you pleasured and empowered. As it should.
Besides oftentimes being inaccurate, the portrayals of BDSM you've seen in film (or porn) are probably not going to work for you (they tend to be a tad...extreme). Richmond recommends reading up on BDSM, taking a class to learn about moves and scenarios you can play out with your partner, and bringing in a sex therapist if need be, so that you can figure out what your version of the practice looks like.
But to get a better grasp on what each of three categories mean, here's a quick primer, from Richmond:
P.S. Your experience doesn't have to involve all three categories, or even both roles within a category. You might discover, for example, that you're naturally dominant or submissive, or someone who can switch back and forth between both. Or you might even realize that while you like being tied down (bondage), you don't particularly enjoy going under the whip (discipline).
Kerner says he sees a lot of couples make the same mistake: They go to a sex shop, grab a few toys, and then come back and tell him that BDSM just isn’t for them. “Instead, it’s better to start with figuring out what’s hot and sexy for you,” he says. “Don’t be afraid to start with your own imagination and what turns you on.” Not sure what does it for you? He recommends reading some BDSM stories that have power themes or watching ethical porn that has BDSM to see what you might be into.
Sit down with your partner and have an honest conversation about your desires, what turns you on, and what your boundaries are. Richmond stresses that this convo, which is incredibly important before trying any type of BDSM (or any sex act, really) must be done face-to-face, since "eye contact is how we communicate empathy."
Because BDSM typically involves surrendering control, trust and communication is everything. It's extremely important that you're as specific as possible with your partner about what you want and don't want, as they should be with you. For example, let them know if the idea of being blindfolded excites you but having your hands cuffed makes you anxious. Similarly, hear them out if they tell you they never want to be in a submissive role.
From there, the two of you will be able to better negotiate consent and identify your limits to make sure that you're both comfortable throughout the process.
4. Consider making it a group affair.
If you realize that you're willing and wanting to go further than your partner, you might even discuss bringing an additional person into the mix. A third party whose boundaries better match up with yours can ensure that you all have fulfilling experiences—as long as, of course, your partner is on board.
If they're not, try to talk to your partner about what they might be comfortable with trying at least once with you, to see how they truly feel about it. If they absolutely can't get behind experimenting with some of your fantasies, Richmond notes that it's common for couples to agree that "when there's one partner who wants to do more, they will go to sex party or a dungeon." Again, not as scary as it sounds!
Remember how Christian Grey and Anastasia had a written contract? It actually wasn't a horrible idea. Since BDSM is all about communication, communication, and communication, it might be helpful to write down what you and your partner discuss in a contract of sorts—even if you're dating or married.
This way you'll have something to refer to when you need a refresher on your partner's boundaries, says Richmond. As you get more comfortable with BDSM and want to take it further, you can come back to your contract, renegotiate, and make amendments. P.S. This can be kind of fun—not weird or transactional—because it ups the excitement for what's to come (emphasis on come ).
Part of a BDSM game plan is picking a spot to do the deed, says Richmond. That might be a hotel on your next vacation (where it might be easier to tap into a different persona), a room reserved for power-play sex, or just your boring old bedroom. As long as it's a place you feel safe, you're good to go.
Speaking of safety, if things go too far and you or your partner cross a boundary you didn't anticipate, decide on a word you'll both say (and obviously listen to) if that time comes. Richmond suggests picking something totally random that you wouldn't normally say in the bedroom, such as "milkshake" or "turtleneck."
Once you hear or say the safe word, everything should stop immediately. BDSM only works when it's mutual pleasurable for everyone involved—so as soon as it's clear things have pushed too far, game over. Ask your partner if they're okay, stay by their side until they've expressed what it is that called for the safe word, and then ask them what they'll need from that moment forward, says Richmond.
That means asking your partner if they’re feeling comfortable. “A simple ‘Are you okay?’ may suffice or you may develop a non-verbal cue to communicate your enjoyment of a scene,” she says. Example: Giving two light taps to let your S.O. know that you’re feeling good. “You’ll also want to check in to establish that your partner’s physical safety is secured,” O’Reilly says. “If you’ve tied them up, you should check the skin under the bondage equipment to ensure that their circulation isn’t obstructed. If you’ve been spanking them, you’ll want to check in and make sure that the pressure isn’t too much for them to handle.”
BDSM is exciting in its own right, but bringing in toys and props can take the fun up a notch, says Richmond. Head to a sex store with your partner and let your imagination run wild. You might load up on restraints, chain nipple clamps, vibrators , paddles, anal beads , and/or lube to help you better lean into your agreed-upon roles.
"This is all about pleasure," says Richmond so stock up on anything that will make you and your partner feel good.
The same way props and toys can bring out your dominant side or the masochist in you, dressing the part can be just as helpful in setting the scene. For example, if you're the submissive during the experience, you might try a choker—or a cat mask and tail—to represent your willingness to obey your "owner" during the session.
Have fun with it! You don't need to go all-out Halloween-style , but if a little costume or accessory helps you channel your inner sex goddess, wear it proudly.
"You can talk and plan all you want to, but most of the time, in the moment, there will be a little tripping point," says Richmond. This makes going slowly essential . You can familiarize yourself with which moves might be too rough for you or your partner and decide whether or not you actually enjoy, say, having your hair pulled during doggy.
Whether you're just getting into BDSM or you're a seasoned pro, the practice will always be "an experiential process where the more you do, the more you'll know," says Richmond. She assures she's "very rarely heard of someone getting hurt beyond what was agreed upon," but you still have your partner to think about. Taking your time helps ensure that you don't cross their boundaries, either—because once you do, they might not want to give BDSM another go.
It’s easy to get so ramped up at the idea of trying BDSM that you want to dive in with everything ASAP. But O’Reilly recommends slowing your roll. “Don’t feel you need to try everything at once,” she says. “The kinky sex all-you-can-eat buffet is constantly being replenished and you can come back for as many rounds as you’d like.”
She suggests trying out one BDSM aspect at a time and then “break down your wildest fantasy into manageable parts.” For example, if you’re craving sex in public, lots of props, spanking, and submission, maybe try incorporating just one of them into your regular rotation at a time. “You might gradually move sex into a semi-public space, like a balcony or backyard, or before beginning to try new props and power play,” O’Reilly says. “Too much novelty at once can overwhelm your senses and intensify anxiety to a level at which arousal becomes impossible.”
"The conversation you have after the experience is just as much a part of sex as the acts themselves," says Richmond. This conversation, typically called "aftercare," is a chance to debrief by asking your partner about what they enjoyed most and what they were thinking when you, say, lightly spanked them.
The verbal intimacy and vulnerability expressed after the BDSM experience will strengthen the bond you have with your partner. And that's a whole other type of bondage worth getting behind.


Home > Dating & Sex > 30 Kinky BDSM Ideas to Try with your SO Tonight
You may have already heard of the four-letter term BDSM at any time in the past – but when it is actually uttered, thoughts of toys, positions, and rules may be quite overwhelming… scary even! To some, we don’t even know what the word implies. If you’re looking for BDSM ideas, you’ve come to the right place.
For starters, BDSM stands for Bondage/Discipline, Dominance/Submission, Sadism/Masochism. All these are subs in the wide world of kinks. For a lot of people, BDSM is something new. It can be an opportunity to explore ideas of power and control. It can also be a chance for you to discover things you never knew could turn you on.
And while BDSM can be all of these elements, it can also sometimes just be bondage sex or any other element alone. No need to pressure yourself into getting into all these when your or your SO’s comfort level is just at bondage or some other element.
Also, BDSM may not necessarily mean penetration and is just a standalone exercise for sexual satisfaction.
If there is one thing we would like to emphasize enough, it is that when going into BDSM, you should always take into your utmost consideration your and your SO’s safety. As such, we have rounded up a few things to include in your checklist before going into BDSM.
And so update your kink list as we give you the best of everything BDSM – from role-playing, essentials, to positions – here are 30 of the hottest BDSM ideas you can get into tonight!
This is perhaps one of the most popular fantasies in both men and women. The teacher and student scenario can come in two different ways. Both the “I failed my last exam and I will do anything to get a passing grade” + unzip pants scenario; or the “You are a bad student and needs to be punished” + unzip pants scenario are both hot options.
Both ways, the pants fall to the floor, and that’s what we’re all concerned about.
We know they’re supposed to be in the kitchen but the maid just made you so mad! Punish the maid and let her see who’s boss.
This is one of the most popular BDSM ideas and is just perfect timing to use those handcuffs. Cuff her nice and good and start the interrogations for the bad things she’s done.
A comprehensive physical exam is being called for. Tell your patient you want her in excellent physical health and so… take that dress off and bend over.
Don’t forget to reprimand her for not following doctor’s orders!
A secretary with bad work ethics can be made badder. Reprimand her in more ways than the memo for not submitting the reports on time.
Another of those BDSM ideas that while popular, works!
One of the most popular BDSM games around is when daddy’s little girl got naughty today. She needs to be punished. Pigtails, lollipops, and a good amount of spanking never grow old.
What does she mean she cannot pay for the pizza you delivered? Make your way in and let her know she can pay you in another way.
Put your pet on a leash and make sure she doesn’t scratch the furniture. Or have her sit on your lap or tie her to a bedpost so she doesn’t wander around; or for extreme plays, have her get inside a cage when she misbehaves.
And here’s one more. Have her eat from a bowl on the floor.
The villainess is captured. Tie her up and make sure to get her out of that tight-fitting costume to reveal her real identity. And make sure to castigate her for all the bad things she’s done.
Wrestling is always the perfect prologue to hot, kinky encounters.
There is just something in this BDSM game that’s sizzling, what with you being pinned down by that hot, wrestler chick. And just when she thinks she’s winning, you overpower her and gain the upper hand. You stay on top amidst all that squirming.
Any form of verbal degradation and humiliation can be extremely kinky if (let’s make that a big IF), you both take pleasure in this kind of play.
Note: always discuss and respect boundaries first.
Exciting times ahead as you go out to dinner or a party with her not wearing anything behind that dress. You can also have her wear a sex toy, a vibrator perhaps. And right in the smack of the public eye, put on your naughtiest and press that button that connects to the vibrator. See how much your SO tries to stifle a groan, a moan, and everything hot.
A vibrator is just one of the many basic toys you can incorporate in your BDSM adventures. Read on to find out more about these essentials.
While we’ve discussed mostly BDSM ideas on role-playing, much of these require sex toys , restraints, and must-have essentials, one of which is the ball gag .
We’ve been taught not to talk when the mouth is full. The gag is not just merely teaching it; it is enforcing it. Gags are ideal for limiting your SO’s speech and breathing. Tie her up, gag her and you get a submissive that’s bowing down to your every wish.
It is also usual to find the sub drooling while wearing a gag and that adds a bit more humiliation for the SO wearing it. That’s good enough punishment as it is.
BDSM toys and must-haves are all about limiting one or more senses of the sub. As such, blindfolds and hoods are just some of the most popular BDSM essentials around.
Depriving one of your senses intensifies the other remaining sensory structures and so, in an attempt to even up, most would feel the intensity in their sense of smell or taste.
Going back to the blindfold, most that are sold have aesthetic considerations in mind but if you are good with just about anything, a scarf or a sleep mask would do just fine.
Usually made of leather, a BDSM collar can also double up as a leash when needed but aside from these uses, collars are worn by the sub that is in a relationship signifying ownership. Sort of like an “I am taken” signal. Or to make it simple, it is a wedding ring in the world of BDSM.
Floggers , riding crops, and paddles are very common examples of spanking tools. Each of these also has varying degrees of pain caused, starting with the floggers that causes just a little bit of pain to riding crops that are on the stingy part of the pain, to paddles that causes much of a thud than a sting.
Careful with the spanking tools as they can cause unwanted pain when incorrectly used but when the little girl is bad, daddy needs to spank!
Canes and rods are also spanking tools but cause much pain when incorrectly used so it is always wise to exercise caution while swinging and not get overly carried away with the spanking.
When canes and rods are causing that much pain, whips are on a different level. Get yourself practiced and your whip-expertise leveled up before using this on your SO.
Nipple clamps can be a bit tad overwhelming for any beginner. Aside from it coming in different types, it can also be used in varying forms. Some nipple clamps can be
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