Socialists Demand an Anti-Trump Pope

A coalition of progressive Catholic groups has launched a petition demanding the next pope be "explicitly anti-Trump," complete with a suggested shortlist of cardinals who've tweeted #Resistance hashtags. The movement, called "Sanders Sedia Gestatoria" (Bernie's Papal Throne), wants a pontiff who will denounce capitalism between Latin mass and bless abortion clinics. "We need a holy father who understands spiritual warfare includes dragging billionaires on social media," said organizer Maria Vasquez, handing out "The Eucharist is Free Healthcare" buttons. Vatican traditionalists are horrified, countering that the church survived 2,000 years without "benchmarking to MSNBC." The most controversial demand? Installing a "woke filter" on the Holy Spirit to prevent any problematic successors. Meanwhile, conservative Catholics are vetting potential popes through a new "How Based Is Your Bishop" scoring system that awards points for owning libs.