Sobersex

Sobersex
Part of HuffPost Relationships. ©2022 BuzzFeed, Inc. All rights reserved.
After having drunk sex for years, sober sex can be daunting — at least at first.
You feel more empowered to ask for what you want — and comfortable communicating what you don’t want — in bed
You’re more in touch with your own body and pleasure
You stop equating sex (or lack thereof) with your own self-worth
You have fewer regrets after the fact
The sensations can be intense, especially at first
You start to approach sex like an adult
And regain some of the self-respect you may feel like you lost in your drinking days
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Sex can be an incredibly vulnerable experience. For people who struggle with alcoholism , the desire to dull some of the more uncomfortable feelings associated with sex ― like fear, anxiety and insecurity ― can be even greater.
But once you get sober and stop using alcohol as a crutch, you’re forced to feel everything a bit more deeply and clearly ― the good feelings and the bad.
“Sex has become a much more conscious process [since I got sober],” Seamus Kirst , author of Shitfaced: Musings of a Former Drunk , told HuffPost. “Before, I would drink to build up the confidence to flirt with people, and then drink to get through having sex. Besides my one serious relationship, I would usually have sex when I was drunk, so I wasn’t really aware of what I actually enjoyed sexually, and often sex wasn’t even an especially pleasurable experience.”
From a scientific perspective, Lara Ray ― a UCLA professor whose research focuses on the causes and treatment of substance use disorders ― said alcohol lowers inhibitions, which may make people more likely to engage in sex. But the effect that alcohol has on feelings of sexual arousal has not been well-established.
“The work on alcohol expectancies suggests that individuals often expect alcohol to enhance sexual encounters,” she added. “The degree to which alcohol actually does so is not entirely clear.”
We reached out to sober men and women to find out the ways that sex changed for them ― be it physically, emotionally or spiritually ― once they quit drinking. Here’s what we learned:
“Before sobriety, the only way I would ever risk vulnerability in regards to sex is if I was drunk. It was hard for me to feel at home in my body, especially my naked body, unless I was drunk with false confidence. It was hard for me to enjoy pleasure without feeling ashamed unless I was drunk and numb. It was hard for me to ask for what I wanted unless I was drunk and uninhibited. It was hard for me to say a real ‘yes’ or ‘no’ because I was drunk and everything was blurry and uncertain, so I often said ‘yes’ when I meant ‘no,’ or ‘no’ when I really wanted to say ‘yes.’
Now, everything I do is intentional. I might regret saying ‘yes’ or ‘no’ to [a] partner but never ashamed because I made a deliberate, clear-eyed choice. And instead of feeling numb or having false courage, I feel everything: the good and the bad, the pleasurable and the uncomfortable, and my courage comes from within ― not from a bottle. To tell a partner what I want? What I really, really want? True courage that always allows me to own my desires and my feelings and my body.” ― Kerry Neville , writer, 7 years sober
“I’m still working on connecting to the physical and emotional aspects of sex. Intimacy is tough for me because I often hid behind the veil of alcohol in past relationships and hookups. Now that alcohol is completely off the table, I’m dealing with the fact that I find it terrifying to be emotionally intimate with a man. Eye contact, pillow talk, even flirting are more of a challenge than the physical act of sex.” — Tawny Lara , blogger at Sobrietea Party , 2.5 years sober
“Sex is a more spiritual experience, in the sense that I feel connected to it and actually understand what I want. I wrote about this a bit in my memoir, Shitfaced , but I used to have an issue with delayed ejaculation, which was caused by being incredibly anxious about sex. I began working through this toward the end of my alcoholism, but fully got over it in early recovery.
Recovery has made me realize all of the ways I used to beat myself up ― excessive drinking, excessive exercising, restrictive eating, purging, not sleeping, etc. Now, I am much more in touch with my body across all areas of my life. I do yoga for exercise, and I try to eat food that is good for me and makes me feel good about myself. That translates to sex. I am much more in touch with what I want out of sex, and don’t just do what the other person wants me to do. For instance, I haven’t had penetrative sex since 2014, because I haven’t wanted to. When I want to, I will, where in the old days, I would have just done it because I would have felt like I had to.” ― Kirst, 4 years sober
“Since becoming sober and then working on improving my sense of self and being happy with who I am, sex is no longer so closely aligned to my self-esteem. Just as I can take or leave alcohol, I take sex as it comes too. I used to worry if it hadn’t happened for a while but now I value it more, I guess. And being sober, I’m more connected in everything I do, including my physical relationship.” ― Matt of Sober Man 365 , 2 years sober
“I don’t regret sex as much, because now I actually think before doing it. When I used to drink, I would have sexual experiences with people that I did not want to, or in ways that I did not want to, and then feel a deep sense of shame afterward. Now, I really take the time to think about it before having a sexual experience, and because of that thought process, I usually don’t have the same moment the next day of, ‘WTF just happened?’ There are many times now where I don’t have sex with someone, and I recognize that if I’d been drunk, I definitely would have, and would have felt shitty about it later.” ― Kirst
“Sex changed for me in a lot of ways when I got sober. For one, it became more intense. I am in a much better relationship with myself and my body and all of my senses are heightened. This allows me to feel things in a more intense way, emotionally, physically, spiritually and this includes sex.” ― Kelly Fitzgerald , writer at Sober Señorita , 5 years sober
“I’m finally a grown woman having grown-up sex. That is, I can now allow myself to have a wide range of desires, to express these desires, to play, to be serious, to be disappointed, to be thrilled ― all of it without having to feel like I’m 19 and need to chug a six-pack, or 30 and down a bottle of wine in order to be tender, to be rough, to make love and to fuck. All that drinking was a cover for fear of allowing myself to feel my power. Sober, I know I can survive rejection and can also make the first move!” ― Neville
“My sex life drastically changed when I got sober. As a binge drinker, I frequently had sex with people who didn’t respect me. I often slept with my male friends aka drinking buddies, convincing myself that those 2 a.m. texts were a prelude to romance and love. I rarely had sex sober, even when in a relationship. Now that I’m booze-free (and in therapy), I’ve gained some much-needed self-respect and no longer engage in those behaviors.” ― Lara
Need help with substance abuse or mental health issues? In the U.S., call 800-662-HELP (4357) for the SAMHSA National Helpline .

Dr. Michael Picucci, PhD, MAC, SEP, brings decades of experience to his practice of Psychotherapy, Focalizing, Sexology, Trauma Resolution, Addictions, Harm Reduction, Somatic Experiencing. His research has been honored Nationally (NIH), Internationally, and Locally for his contributions of six books on healing & Focalizing. He continues to teach and lead workshops around the world. He has a private practice in NYC and by distance virtually.
One of the most significant blocks to more fulfilling sober sex is the “sexual-spiritual split.” After facilitating countless workshops with thousands of people in recovery, one thing is certain. The healing of the internalized schism between our sexual and spiritual (love) energies is the most provocative topic, and the most intimidating (apparently, but not necessarily) task we can address. I have yet to meet one recovering person who does not highlight this as one of their foremost challenges.
A deeply ingrained and culturally-induced rift between sexual intimacy and real love haunts us. (I don’t necessarily mean those possible special encounters; it’s when bonding occurs that the rift becomes mysteriously blatant). Yet, these two human forces are two sides of the same coin. At its most fundamental, spirituality is the opening of the heart – the love space ; it is also defined as the embodiment of “transcendent beauty.” When two people come together with open hearts, sex is a sacred act, joining them in body and spirit.
All too often, this is clearly not the case. Opening the heart and keeping it open can be challenging, particularly for those whose sexuality is connected to psychic and spiritual wounds inflicted by early experience and outdated cultural conditioning. What I call the “sexual-spiritual split” arises out of early religious and cultural training, which teaches that God, love, and family are good while, sex, even by its wordless energetic expression, is bad. Many find that when they try to talk about this problem, it just serves to compound and confuse. It all transmits the message that sex is dirty, bad, and perverse. As a result, we find it difficult to honor our commitment to a “higher power” while at the same time acknowledging this human need to express, satisfy, and celebrate our sexuality.
One of the sources of energy that fuels “great sober sex” is fantasy. Few of our “juicy” sexual fantasies would seem to fall into the category of respectful spiritual relationship building, but ironically, harnessing these same weird cravings can insure the survival of a good, respectful relationship by triggering the kind of passion that becomes the “glue” for erotic connections that fulfill relationships and offer contentment. Though the process can be awkward at first, it is essential to learn to communicate about our needs, desires, and fantasies. “Reclaiming adolescent awkwardness,” is a phrase I use, giving people permission to go to the uncomfortable places often necessary in healing the sexual-spiritual split; a requirement to form authentically intimate relationships.
In sexual counseling, many are curious about where their fantasies come from, often feeling shame for having them. I tell my clients good fantasies are like rainbows, mysterious and beautiful, sometimes fleeting, and they are to be respected, never judged. If they be illegal, we can also respect the need to exit reality once in a while. The juice is in the fantasy – acting them out is another choice; yet, the energy is alive to enrich any erotic engagement.
Fantasy arises from abuses early in life to Freudian perceptions, or from recollections of pleasure from our past. Sometimes they mysteriously come from no conscious recollection whatsoever. Perhaps they connect from an energetic archetype we mysteriously resonate with. Who cares? If the fantasy has juice, that energy is very valuable. Ritual can filter the shame out of our fantasies and show us how to fall more deeply in love with ourselves. Self-love is essential to grow in sacred sexuality and Erotic Ritual. Having fantasies doesn’t mean we’re bad or that something is wrong with us, as we don’t have to act on them. Only shame is spiritless. Removing the shame from our fantasies transforms them, and that can even contribute to keeping a long-term relationship sexually vibrant.
Many of us are afraid of letting our wild, primordial natures be exposed, thinking it could hurt someone, or ourselves, hence the importance of behaving responsibly. As I’ve heard now from many: “If there is a strong, deep energetic connection between people, then love allows you to go totally wild, while at the same time remaining sensitive enough to stay playful without hurting each other.” When we transform erotic shame, it’s as if a true alchemy occurs, you learn how to turn the base metal of your own energy into pure gold.”
Different Strokes From Different Folklore
Several years ago, when my partner Elias and I were in Naples, Italy, we went to the Archeological Museum, where we were fortunate enough to get a private guided tour of “the secret cabinet.” Only recently opened to the public, this section of the museum houses erotic art that The Vatican has been furtively collecting for centuries but keeping under lock and key. The woman, who was very knowledgeable about erotic art, pointed out an ancient vase graphically decorated with an image of a satyr having sexual relations with a goat. In her non-plussed way, she clarified that at the time the vase was painted this act was considered perfectly natural. There were no judgments or laws inhibiting one’s erotic pursuits. On further exploration I learned that the archetype of the goat is youthful, vigorous, powerful, and deeply connected to the earth. The goat lives in the moment, experiencing instinctively focused satisfying physical desire. Pan, the god of nature and sexuality, is depicted as part human, part goat. Unfortunately, due to horns and cloven hooves, images of the devil became associated with this god during the Middle Ages, a further expression of the growing sexual-spiritual split that still plagues western society.
Somehow, the word “kinky” has made its way into our sexual vocabulary. I love the word, as it means out of the norm. What is normal when we have so many primal animalistic energies running through us? It is important to explore what comes naturally to us. Often we may find ourselves gradually stretching some of the edges of these existing realities, but we can’t presume to break down resistance barriers of others while experimenting with our own. If you explore my book, Ritual as Resource, it will be beneficial to negotiate with any resistance you feel concerning thoughts you regard as “kinky.” Even if it involves goats! To help in finding a new context for erotic play and enrichment, I encourage the acronym S.E.X. (Soul Energy eXchange).
Whatever you choose to do with another or yourself you have a spiritual right to hold as private. You can share with others, if you want, but be careful not to lose the sanctity of your experience. Be discerning in your sharing. A secret is by nature imbued with shame and covertness. To the contrary, when you hold something private, it becomes part of your personal and spiritual identity, with no shame attached to it. There is a humble pride and gratitude that is all yours and that can make you—and your relationships—strong.
Dr. Michael Picucci, PhD, MAC, SEP, brings decades of experience to his practice of Psychotherapy, Focalizing, Sexology, Trauma Resolution, Addictions, Harm Reduction, Somatic Experiencing. His research has been honored Nationally (NIH), Internationally, and Locally for his contributions of six books on healing & Focalizing. He continues to teach and lead workshops around the world. He has a private practice in NYC and by distance virtually.

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