So Big It Hurts Tumblr

So Big It Hurts Tumblr

The name's Alicia.
I'm only slightly appetizing.

Birth By Sleep:
All my friends are dead. I'm dead. Everyone's Dead.

Kingdom Hearts 1:
My social life is entirely dependent on this large key.

Chain of Memories:
There's nothing about this strange guy that I don't trust.

358 Days/2:
This all could have been avoided if you hadn't tried to double down on the extra keyblades.

Recoded:
There's a free version of Avast, Mickey.

Kingdom Hearts 2:
My non-key dependent social life was destroyed because I woke up.

Dream Drop Distance:
Mother Fucking PASTEL ANIMALS

Q:
Why is 6 afraid of 7?

A:
Because 8 will gladly kill off 6 for 7's gain.

804 notes

Source: kankurobot

mickeyblades requested: S aix/ I sa
follow this blog if you’d like to see where I went -> http://ferrety-lixciaa.tumblr.com/
also I’m major Kingdom Hearts trash on that blog, hope you like
♪ kh editors’ challenge! - day # 11: free day!

A simple blog where I ramble and rant about my life and hope that no one realizes how crazy I really am.

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Reblogged from favoritelittlelyrics

I never saw myself as a New Yorker.
When I first visited the City that Never Sleeps, I actually… didn’t sleep. It was after a few months of college, and a bunch of us from our freshman hall wanted to visit since many of us had never been before. We excitedly booked Bolt Bus tickets that left Philly at 8am, and would leave Manhattan at 8am the next day.
I remember playing a Sinatra song about waking up in The City on my iPod as the bus rolled into Midtown. I had never seen so many city lights so bright… and so early in the day. The day consisted of figuring out how to buy MetroCards and figuring out the subway system, taking obnoxious touristy photos and attempting to vlog, going into stores and admiring all the expensive goods we would never buy, admiring areas of the city we had only heard about in cheesy songs and TV shows. When we left the next day, exhausted, my wanderlust had been fulfilled, at least until that point.
The next dozen or so NYC trips were also full of the same excitement and lust. I treated the city as my playground, always leaving with new stories to share and a little too much money spent. My early memories consist of cramming in hotel rooms or apartments, drinking out of plastic cups and laughing with recent alums. Later on I would go out and make random friends just through the association of being Greek, or through Penn, and eat, laugh and explore to my heart’s content.
When senior year rolled around, the nursing school kept on pressuring me to do better when I physically couldn’t, and pushed me down further than before. I felt… stupid, and “not good enough.” I made the subconscious decision to go back to California and find a job there, cause all the good nursing programs are out East and I felt like I didn’t have a chance. Besides, I always saw myself as a California girl. I love drives with the windows down and sunbeamed wind in my hair. I live for “Californian” Asian and Mexican food, both cold and warm beaches and 60 degree winters. I embrace the lazy, laidback style, perhaps a bit too much for Penn standards.
But then I went home and things were… different. Maybe it was because I don’t feel like i belong in my own household anymore, but something was off. I realized that I treat California as a place to settle down in. I was craving something yet again, but I wasn’t sure what.
These few weeks in New York were supposed to be for intense studying during the day, and playing with friends at night. I’m still not sure if I want to be here completely, but something about these warm city lights draws me in closer than before…
If I have the opportunity to work here, I would take it in a heartbeat. But let me pass my board exams first.
Thank God I don’t look like what I’ve been through
This was probably one of the most emotionally draining weeks I’ve had. I’m pretty sure I’ve cried every day since Wednesday, so my undereye circles are horrendous right now. I still feel completely emotionally unsettled, so I guess I’ll just rant away since I have a tendency of talking too much anyways. Plus, I’m way too wired to try to fall sleep, and I need to vent to get this out of my system before I try to study.
I think the reason why I’m so passionate about aKDPhi so much is because… I joined looking for a family. And to be 100% honest, I never really got that out of my chapter. I’m not close to my line, and my big has been kinda MIA. I’m close to my little, but I play more of a supportive role for her. I love my kids… but they already kinda forgot about me. I’m close to random other sisters in other classes, but that’s mostly because I reached out to them. Not to mention I was the only really social one, whether that meant interacting with other sisters from other schools or other fraternities… and I feel kinda ostracized because of that.
I joined the greater Greek community a bit late in the game too. I was too busy grieving my neo semester, and no one really told me how to interact with other Greeks. They always just made neos to go mixers and regionals, but never explained why. Even when I was dating Isaac, I was one of the only younger sisters who even interacted with the Lambdas outside of mixers and parties. Things got really awkward after we broke up. That’s when I met Steve from Betas, who confided in me that his dad passed too. We were close for a few weeks, then he just started to ignore me. Afterwards I fell into a deeper hole of random hookups and disappeared once again. I started talking to Deepesh again, and met some Rutgers sisters and Betas after I went to the Beta probate. I became horrendously embarrassing for a few months afterwards, mostly because I wanted to be proud that we… er I was interacting with other chapters and orgs, but didn’t realize the politics of it.
I guess I’m just really tired of being one of the only sisters in the house who works hard to keep relations with other chapters and orgs. There was some point last semester when Andie said something along the lines of “Should we even bother to keep relations with other chapters?” I remember feeling fueled once again, and contacting random bros asking for mixers. It was at a point in the semester though where it didn’t make sense to have one since it was probate/reveal season and finals, but I still kept in contact with them. Then there was the weekend where I basically got sick because I went to a probate and crossing party on Friday, organized a dinner with UMBC and went to a Lambda party on Saturday, then went to a community service event at 8am with Deltas on Sunday. I remember spamming the Facebook group and randomly messaging a bunch of sisters to no avail… and felt really discouraged. That’s when I stopped asking the house to go to things with me and just started traveling on my own.
While I’m happy with all the experiences I’ve had, I also still feel a bit isolated. My chapter still doesn’t care much about socializing with other sisters or orgs, and are very low energy in general. Most of our events are only run by a few sisters, but we get strong recognition for it. We won chapter of the year which means we probably won’t change our ways either… and no one really had much pride about that besides whoever was at convention and some geos/neos.
Basically, I’m tired of being the only sister that tries to socialize anymore. My kids have potential, so I’m going to do one more thing for them and end my connection with the chapter as a whole.
She gave me this colored block thing as a reminder to always take care of myself like I take care of others, and to be okay with the uncertainties in life.
Thank you again for reminding me that it’s okay to feel as much and be sensitive as I am.
I haven’t written in months, and that’s probably because I’ve felt so numb, broken, alone.
But now I’m sitting here recollecting all my thoughts and feelings, which mostly consist of stress, exhaustion, frustration and confusion, per usual. Reading the few things I did manage to type up makes me tear up, because the depression was almost too paralyzing.
I’m officially graduating on time, which is a huge relief. There were a few times in the semester where I was unsure of myself… and even my mom and sister were concerned. But I got my test score back and it’s less than mediocre, but at least I passed.
I want what’s best for my kiddos. They’re struggling hard, but I’m confident that they’ll finish. I love them to death, and I can’t wait until I get to show them off to the world :3
I’m proud of my litto, but I’m also so worried that she’s taking on so much… I wish I could stay here just to look after her, because I’m worried about who she’ll have after I’m gone.
I’m confused about you. I know you check my blogs occasionally… but I’m just so confused. I love you, and it’s not that I don’t care. I still check in and want you to tell me what’s going on, even if it’s not the way you want me to? I’m not even sure what you want from me anymore >_<
Turned up in this old place again
Can’t seem to get away
Take me back to my element
I’m afraid

Don’t let me tumble away
Into the throws of the shadowy bay
I cling to the rock
And it’s crumbling off
Toss me a heavy rope
It’s a slippery slope…
The depression is real and I don’t know who to turn to today.
Opened a bottle of wine and gonna crank through this dumbass assignment.
I’m really fucking tired of how compassionate I am.

See, that’s what the app is perfect for.
Sounds perfect
Wahhhh, I don’t wanna

Not So Easily Recognized

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Apr 20th, 2021

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Apr 15th, 2021

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