Sneaky Slut Needs To Learn
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Sneaky Slut Needs To Learn
Sex. Celebrity. Politics. With Teeth
Sex. Celebrity. Politics. With Teeth
There's no insult in the English language like "slut": hurled as abuse, it can have a devastating impact. Being designated a "slut" can be reputation-ruining; however, it can also be taken as a compliment in certain situations, as a signifier of sexual attractiveness. A "good slut" is someone fun, sex-positive, and sexy — such a Samantha! Such a Jessa from GIRLS ! Tequila shots for all my sluts! A "bad slut," on the other hand, is someone who deserves the full force of our collective scorn and disdain. What's the difference, though?
The word "slut" can be used punitively, aggressively, shamingly, chidingly, in seemingly congratulatory manner, jokingly, with complete vitriol, etc. In short, it has no real, clearly-defined meaning. It's a collection of (sometimes contradictory) connotations huddled around an empty set, its only true defining feature being a murky connection to sexual impropriety. According to the dictionary , a "slut" is "a promiscuous woman; especially: PROSTITUTE." (Definition b: "a saucy girl: MINX"). Apparently, it comes from the Norwegian word for "impure liquid," which makes sense, because we sluts are constantly stewing in a collection of impure sauces, like those of the bog from which Grendel emerged.
So, fine, we can all agree that the denotation of "slut" is "a promiscuous woman" — but what even constitutes promiscuity in our era of ever-dissolving sexual prohibitions? Casual sex hasn't been a taboo (or even a source of deep-rooted, lingering shame! Woohoo!) for a long time, now — and, yet, the designation of "slut" lingers on as something we're still permitted, if not tacitly encouraged, to call women who don't have sex the way we think they should.
Enter slutformula.com , a website I came across this morning, that was probably crafted by an angry 15-year-old who lives in the stomach of a Balrog. It claims to contain "the official Slut Formula." Through some sort of complicated algorithm (misogyny x cum-sock/I hate vaginas), the site's author alleges that they're able to calculate your "Sluticity Value." Here's a fun bit of reasoning that accompanies the calculator:
Why the Slut Formula? Why does it only apply to Women? Women can pick and choose who they sleep with while men aren't nearly as picky and must constantly prove themselves while doing the attacking (ex: typically men approach women, not the other way around). Sluticity corrupts, and absolute sluticity corrupts absolutely. With provocative female attire, strict sexual harassment laws against men, and this innate ability to control them via vagina, women are the ones who must accept this responsibility and not abuse the power... if they do they will earn such titles as slut, whore, cock gobbler, etc.
The website, obviously, is a stinking pit of troll-feces that any woman with an ounce of self-awareness would likely know better than to take seriously (case in point: in order to not be a slut at all, at age 28, you can have had, at most: 3 sex partners, 5 kissing partners, and 5 oral sex partners). However, it didn't just hop out of a void, wielding a graph that shows a "linear relationship of sex and slutdom for a female." There are unspoken assumptions and deep-seated values in our society that create an environment in which less blatantly swinish iterations of this line of thinking proliferate.
Last week, Jezebel staff was discussing a recent psychological study that finds that college students who have meaningless sex (which is defined here as "sex with someone the respondent had known for less than a week") are more likely to exhibit "psychological distress." As lead researcher Dr. Melina M. Bersamin told Business Insider , "casual sex was negatively associated with well-being and positively associated with psychological distress." The idea that casual sex isn't always emotionally or physically fulfilling is, obviously, neither shocking nor new. But if casual sex is supposed to be the millennial's playground (no one steal this phrase and use it to name your nightclub because I am having it trademarked), shouldn't we at least be cool with it? Why does it cause us so much distress?
Looking to the lifestyles of twenty-somethings as an indication of what's broken or wrong with our…
The general consensus was that casual sex isn't necessarily easy to be casual about. It involves navigating a veritable minefield of pleasure, expectations, desire, miscommunications, muddled emotions, fun!! (let's not forget), but also of judgment and shame. Taking up the Mantle of Sluticity is not always a simple task, because it's caked with centuries worth of fears and myths and horrible assumptions re: sexually active women. So how does one even go about being successful at casual sex without experiencing emotional consequences? What makes The Perfect Slut?
To be clear, here's a handy list of how to be the Right Amount of Slutty:
The concept is bullshit for a lot of reasons — mostly because it causes women to worry that they're not behaving properly, according to a set of criteria that are both insane and lacking logic or any form of coherence.
Personally, I have always been a terrible slut. In my time at college, the only thing I was worse at than being a cool and fun slut was probably not falling asleep during that CogSci lecture I took by accident. This is because, during my time at college, I was growing up and starting to realize what kind of person I wanted to be. That's a fraught process, and one that almost necessarily involves a lot of insecurity and self-consciousness. A time of great uncertainty about one's own identity, it turns out, is not a ideal time to try and be a fun and carefree casual sexer — I realized this the hard way (i.e., crying under a strobe light at a party while eating a bag of Tostito's).
Having however much sex you want, with people you may or may not know very well, should be enjoyable, it should be easy, and it should never make you second-guess yourself. In other words, it requires that you're comfortable with who you are and what you want, and capable of communicating both of those things. It requires you to have reached a certain level of self-actualization and self-assurance. I wasn't there yet, so I sucked at being casually promiscuous. I projected my anxieties about myself as a person onto the "relationships" I was having, and it put me in a state of mild psychological distress.
What's even more baffling about the Slut Conundrum is that "psychological distress" is caused by pressure on both sides. Yes, negative stereotypes about women who have too much sex abound, but so, too, do stereotypes about women who don't have enough sex. Having had sex with far too few people at a certain age is seen as shameful — maybe in a different way than having had too much sex with too many people is, but it's a real pressure nonetheless. In environments where hooking up casually is the norm, there's a tacit pressure to fit in with one's peers. But when we're not given the right tools — either through a general unwillingness to have frank discussions about sexuality, or through a lack of self-possessed sexual female role models in the media, or through something else entirely — the very desire to "keep up" can be depressing and emotionally draining.
There's a line every woman must walk with her sexual identity. The old, strict, prohibitions around sex have been replaced with a set of nebulous demarcations: yes, you should have premarital sex; you should even have casual sex if you want! But there are certain ways you have to do it and certain patterns of behavior that are acceptable, otherwise you are gross and sad. It's a different type of sexual policing, but it strongly impacts the way we see the world, the way in which we think sex should happen, and what we think should happen afterwards.
I don't think that anyone can pinpoint the fine line between what's perceived as "healthy, sexual woman behavior" and "big slut behavior" (or, conversely, between what's seen as "healthy, sexy woman" and "sad prude"). And that's because it does not really exist. It's just an arbitrary distinction that allows us to malign women as freely — and illogically — as we please.
Доступ к информационному ресурсу ограничен на основании Федерального закона от 27 июля 2006 г. № 149-ФЗ «Об информации, информационных технологиях и о защите информации».
By Shahida Arabi
Updated January 28, 2022
By Shahida Arabi
Updated January 28, 2022
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1. She can’t stand not being the center of attention. This is someone who continually hogs the limelight, especially from someone she views as a threat. No amount of attention is ever enough. A narcissistic female could have a loving family, but she will still step outside of her most intimate relationships to seek thrills from the attention of strangers. She will manufacture situations of conflict out of thin air to get the focus back onto her and her deliberate crazymaking. She will make your accomplishments and struggles all about herself. She will continually steer the conversation back to herself without fail, time and time again, to highlight her own perceived achievements or to stage pity ploys that make her seem like the victim when she is actually the culprit.
2. She uses her sexuality to manipulate others. While histrionic females tend to use their sexuality and appearance indiscriminately and across all contexts, female narcissists are said by experts to use their sexuality to achieve a specific goal or mission. Whether it be climbing the corporate ladder or getting a boyfriend to forgive her transgressions, a female narcissist has no qualms about using her body to get ahead and get over on someone.
3. Her sense of boundaries is twisted . Hitting on your significant other? A weekly occurrence. Sleeping with a friend’s recent ex? No problem. Flirting salaciously with her significant other’s brother? Fun! Female narcissists feel excessively entitled to all of it and have no issue with violating boundaries to get the attention and resources they desire. They care little about who they hurt in the process.
4. Her lack of empathy is startling. Much like narcissists of any gender, female narcissists lack a core sense of empathy for others. When they see someone hurting, even if they caused that pain, they’re unlikely to feel any shame or remorse. Their shallow, nonchalant questions about your welfare, your life, and your goals are often reframed and rerouted to serve their own needs. They only care about the plights of others so long as it relates to them and their agenda. If you’re feeling sick or need a listening ear, she’s nowhere to be found unless it helps her to benefit somehow.
5. They see others – like their own children – as extensions of themselves. Narcissistic females as mothers can be horrific and self-centered. They treat their children as objects, praised only to the extent where their children meet their selfish needs. Otherwise, their children are devalued, ignored, abused and neglected. Narcissistic mothers especially have a tendency to do this as their children grow older, especially with their daughters. They compete with their young daughters, especially if their daughters represent a threat in terms of beauty and talent. Narcissistic mothers may even view their daughters as competitors for their husband’s attention.
6. They sabotage those they are envious of. Female narcissists engage in a great deal of relational aggression to undermine and extinguish those they perceive to be threats. This means you’ll find them underhandedly working behind the scenes to one-up you, sabotage your relationships, spread rumors, stage a smear campaign or ensuring that any attention or recognition that would’ve been paid to you gets outsourced to them or one of their cronies (in other words, enablers) instead.
7. They idealize, devalue, and discard. Whether you’re a friend, a partner or family member of the narcissistic female, she only keeps you around so long as you’re useful to her. She will put you on a pedestal, just to throw you off of it when she perceives you’re not doing enough to worship her, meet her arbitrary demands or when you’re shining bigger and brighter than she ever could. She then begins to “groom” a new target to become your eventual replacement, in an attempt to paint you as the toxic one not worthy of her affections.
8. She enjoys creating harems and love triangles. This is the type of friend that enjoys flirting with her best friend’s husband in front of her, all while knowing they are having an affair. She will ruin a family member’s budding relationship if she feels it takes the focus off of her. She will triangulate her significant other to the nth degree. She ensnares her admirers, various exes, and even complete strangers into her toxic web because she gets off on the attention that her various flirtations, indiscretions, and transgressions grant her.
9. She becomes enraged at the slightest criticism and feels she has to eliminate the source. The narcissistic female’s rage is not unlike the narcissistic man’s in intensity, but because of social stigma surrounding female anger, the narcissistic female may communicate her rage in more subtle ways. You’ll hear her communicate her rage in a restrained but angry tone of voice, giving backhanded compliments with a sweet smile, voicing insults couched in concern or putting you down and humiliating you in public with a sadistic gleam in her eye. She does this all while maintaining a pristine, polished image to the rest of the world. If she’s more of an overt narcissist, she may throw objects, lash out in verbal attacks or even escalate to physical violence depending on where she falls on the narcissistic spectrum.
10. She is hypercritical and micromanages those she feels represent a threat to her grandiose self-image. The pathological envy of a female narcissist is immense and it seeps into the way the narcissistic female fabricates imaginary flaws and shortcomings in others. She nitpicks the targets she perceives to be most threatening (in both public and private) all while maintaining an innocent demeanor so that if you dare to complain, you’re labeled as the unhinged one.
11. She takes a sadistic pleasure in duping, abusing and bullying you. Perhaps the most malignant trait of any narcissist, of any gender, is his or her glee at watching you fall. Research reveals that more malignant narcissists rejoice in inflicting pain. They enjoy putting you down to keep you feeling off balance. They take actual pleasure in the pain they produce. They will introduce new sources of adversity and inject chaos into any peace you may be enjoying. They can’t stand not having a reaction from you – so they will do anything and everything to provoke you into reacting.
If you’ve been victimized by a narcissist, whether male or female, know that it is not your fault. You were targeted because you’re an empathic, compassionate individual – usually someone with strengths and assets that the narcissist covets. It is not your job to fix them or educate toxic, malignant people on how to be decent human beings. They likely don’t care to change their behavior and feel rewarded by it. The best course of action is doing what you can to move forward in your success and channel your experiences into your victory .
Remember, indifference is their kryptonite . It’s helpful to view their absurd tactics from a more detached perspective and think, “Oh, children.” Invest your energy in building your own resources and sense of strength rather than wasting it on morally impoverished people. Emotional toddlers cannot be schooled properly on empathy – they will continue to operate from the dark realms of their character disorder.
But take heart – all narcissists eventually unmask themselves and many eventually meet their downfall, all while their victims move onto bigger and better things.
Shahida is the author of Power: Surviving and Thriving After Narcissistic Abuse and the poetry book She Who Destroys the Light . She is a staff writer at Thought Catalog.
Follow Shahida on Instagram or read more articles from Shahida on Thought Catalog . Learn more about Thought Catalog and our writers on our about page .
Remember— highly manipulative people don’t respond to empathy or compassion. They respond to consequences.
“I rarely write reviews but I’m so impressed by this book , I can’t recommend it enough for anyone who has suffered abuse by a narcissist or is trying to get out of an abusive relationship now. You deserve the best and more… so I strongly encourage you to get this book!” — Michelle Spurling
“This book was life changing. It completely validated everything from my experiences (suicide, anxiety, depression, “neediness”, literally everything). It took every detail from my past struggles and validated and helped make sense of everything. It’s like I was reading my own biography.” — Drew Rod
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