Small Penis Slave
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Small Penis Slave
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There are plenty of women who can easily tolerate, or even enjoy, what he’s asking for.
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How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Send your questions for Stoya and Rich to howtodoit@slate.com .
Every Thursday night, the crew will answer one bonus question in chat form. This week, a surprising request.
I am a woman seeing a new man, and we waited a few dates to sleep together, mostly because he didn’t try. I didn’t think much of it, but when we did have sex, he was sheepish to take off his underwear, and yep, it turns out he has a small penis. This is OK for me—I do prefer some size, but he’s eager and good at other things, so I am not too worried about it. (I’m pretty sure he’s below average, if you’re wondering what I mean by “small”; I’d say 4 inches or fewer.)
He eventually opened up and confirmed the reason he waited to initiate sex is that he wanted to get to know me a little bit so I wouldn’t reject him outright. I was a little hurt by this, but I understand he’s had bad experiences. However , he also told me that his past experiences with women, especially as a teenager, have given him a fetish to be ridiculed for his small penis. I guess it happened enough that it turns him on. Basically, he was embarrassed to tell me he likes to be embarrassed because of his junk. This just feels wrong to me. I don’t want to “kink shame,” or whatever, but I also do not think it’s right for me to further pathologize a normal dick variation, even if he wants me to. I also feel like he should get therapy for this. What do you think?
Stoya : A long, long time ago, in a dark dungeon on the third or so floor of an office building, I was called in to help with a similar situation. The man had an actual micropenis, and he wanted a large number of women to giggle at and taunt him.
Rich : “We’re gonna need backup … ”
Stoya : Basically. So I want this woman to understand that her new man is way less complicated than he could be. He doesn’t require a bevy of cackling. A line of laughing ladies.
Stoya : … their nipples, which are larger than his dick. Anyway, therapy is an excessive request here, and if she’s not into it, she should move on.
Rich : I think that’s exactly right. This is garden-variety erotic humiliation . And honestly, how would a therapist help him cope with this diminutive dick better than he already is? He’s eroticized it. Life gave him a small dick and he made lemonade. Hopefully he didn’t use the dick to stir it, but whatever it takes! He’s doing fine!
Stoya : And there are plenty of women who can easily tolerate, or even enjoy, what he’s asking for.
Rich : The one thing I don’t love about this kind of kink is the slight emotional imposition. What if my reaction to your small penis isn’t to laugh or mock? I get it, it’s play, and to want to participate, you would enjoy such imposition, etc., but from my remove, my take is that I just strongly dislike being told how to feel. For free, at least.
Stoya : What is your reaction to a small penis?
Rich : I don’t flinch. I would never want anyone to feel bad (unless he wanted to feel bad) about judgment for something entirely out of his control. And while I’d rather suck something that requires effort to completely fill my mouth/throat, if a dick is super hard, it’s going to be hot to me regardless. If it’s smallish/softish that starts to kind of chip away at my arousal. But I’m a soldier, and I typically bypass most size-related issues without incident. What about you?
Stoya : The only one I can think of wasn’t even small, he was just convinced it was. ~5 inches isn’t small, correct?
Stoya : The actually-just-small-end-of-average guy was fixated in a way that involved his ethnicity, which was uncomfortable for me.
Rich : Oh yeah, race play is a whole other area that I don’t broach. I wouldn’t even know what to do? Kink stuff all feels advanced to my meat-and-potatoes sex-having ass. I always feel like I don’t know what to say and then I don’t want to be told what to say. “Can we just … not talk?” I prefer to have my body do the talking.
Stoya : Ha. Yes. I know that feeling. So, for moving on, our writer might want to think ahead of time about what she’ll say.
Rich : It’s super OK to not be into something and to say it as plainly as that: “Sorry. Not for me.”
Stoya : If she wants to be gentle, she might express a hope that he finds the trash-talking size queen of his dreams.
Rich : Yeah, I mean, she doesn’t want him to pathologize this further, but she’ll have to be careful not to fall into the same trap. What if what he really wants is to be humiliated for wanting to be humiliated for having a small penis? What if he wasn’t embarrassed to tell her at all, that it was all part of some bid for exponential humiliation?
Stoya : Improbably meta. If that were the case, I’d be so entertained.
Rich : I know—submission is a delicate dance. Sub too hard, and you’re dom. Sometimes you gotta keep turning the screw to maintain the sensation.
Stoya : Mr. Meat and Potatoes. So maybe he gets off on humiliation in general? Not specifically on being humiliated in this particular way?
Rich : Yeah, I mean, I think you’re right that it’s improbable that he’d take it to another level. But you never know, and it could make real talk more complicated than expected.
Stoya : This is true: I wonder if that’d be easier for our writer to process.
Rich : In any case, I think it would ultimately be foolish to attempt to change him—this is something that has been cooking for so long. His small-penis thing is bigger than her. And it’s totally harmless. Let him have his anguished fun.
I live in an apartment with stereotypical “thin walls” and with frequently noisy neighbors. This isn’t a complaint. I actually enjoy hearing them have sex and commonly masturbate while listening. I recently had a friend over, during which time we overheard the neighbors going at it. My friend commented that it must be so annoying to have neighbors like that, but I confessed that I enjoyed it and would sometimes masturbate to it. My friend was very offended by this—she thought it was a massive invasion of the neighbors’ privacy and equated it to hiding in their closet. My belief is that since the neighbors would understand the limited soundproofing of the building, they then concede the right to auditory privacy when they’re very loud. So as long as I am within the confines of my own apartment and not trying to actively record them or use some sort of sound-enhancing equipment, I have not invaded anyone’s privacy. Have I overstepped, or am I in the clear?
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My husband has a small penis. There, I've said it. We have an active sex life, and he is really good with his hands, so he thinks that as long as he's giving me orgasms his size doesn't matter — but it's starting to. For me, orgasms aren't everything. Sometimes it's difficult to feel him, and I like a sensation of fullness. I don't know how to tell him this for fear of crushing him.
For the love of God, don't tell him! No, no, no, there's no reason to bring that up.
We're gonna work this out, but you have to promise not to criticize your husband's meager member. I mean ever. If you think the thing works poorly now, imagine what it would do if the words "difficult to feel you" were to ever tumble carelessly from your mouth.
I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that if you're comfortable talking orgasms and, er, fullness with a stranger and thousands of readers, you're no staunch traditionalist, so... Have you considered trying toys in the boudoir? Tell your fella you're fantasizing about spicing things up, and ask him to join you in purchasing some pleasure-prompting playthings. Choose a mix of girthy gadgets for yourself and glovey gizmos for him, too (hey, you have to assume it's difficult for him to feel you, too). Add in some feathered, flavored, or fur-lined fun to throw him off the "you have a small penis" scent.
Fullness you can buy. But a man that you love, who is manually dexterous and makes a regular point of pleasuring you? That's no small thing.
My brother moved across the country 30 years ago and, through some luck and a lowering of ethical standards, ended up as a multi-millionaire. Separately, my mother had been abusive to me and my family over the years, and it got so bad that I couldn't bring myself to see her anymore. So she finally moved to live near my brother, and now claims to be broke. She refused to co-sign for my daughter's college loan for one of the most expensive schools in the country, and sent her a high-school graduation gift almost a year late because she supposedly didn't have any money. My wife and I are barely scraping by. We have never experienced so much stress in our lives working endless hours to pay for my daughter's school. I received an email from my brother telling me my mother broke her hip because a guy ran into her with his car. I replied that maybe she should sue him to get some money since she was too broke to send a card to my daughter. My brother said he and his wife would like to visit my wife and I. I didn't respond and don't plan on seeing any of them ever again in my life, and do not plan to attend my mother's funeral. What do you think?
What do I think? I think you're an angry, confused dude who isn't qualified to be be doling out "ethical" and "abusive" labels from on high.
Few would fault you for ejecting an abusive mother from your life. But you've also lost the right to expect anything from her in return (and why would you want it?).
Working hard to send your daughter to a pricey school doesn't make you a martyr. In fact, it makes you exactly like your brother: a guy who made a financial choice that others in his family feel no obligation to support.
Re-read your response to your mother's injury and see if it doesn't strike you as astoundingly petty. Since living far away from your family and plotting never to see them again doesn't seem to be making you any less resentful, try a different tack. Do you know what feels better than lugging around an ugly grudge for your family's failings? Being the person you wish they were.
Earn your income with integrity. Shake the sofa cushions for loose change to buy your mother a get-well card — and send it before the year is up. Then let your brother come visit and see if you can connect over your common history, rather than your disparate bank accounts.
When you see your family as dollar signs, you're all the poorer for it.
Send me your dilemmas via email: ToughLove@TheWeek.com . And follow me on Twitter: @ToughLoveAdvice .
The Week™ is part of Future plc, an international media group and leading digital publisher. Visit our corporate site at https://futureplc.com The Week™ is a registered trade mark. © Future US LLC, 10th floor, 1100 13th Street NW, Washington, DC 20005. All rights reserved.
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