Slut Here
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Slut Here
The Four Levels of Slut Sleeping around carries an unfair double standard, but sluttiness does have levels.
by Nathan DeGraaf | June 21, 2006
Points in Case is a daily literary humor publication featuring enlightening and irreverent comedy from seasoned writers and fresh voices, since 1999.
Main: Man, she’s a whore?
Nathan: How can you say that? She never got paid.
Main: I stand corrected. She’s a slut.
I think it’s unfair that women are often considered sluts for sleeping around. Women say that this perception of them propagates a double standard because men are never considered sluts for rampant sexual activity. (Although, if that were truly the case, then why do so many women I know call me a slut?) And recently, because I just dumped a girl who cheated on me, I have been pondering exactly what it is that makes a girl a slut .
Now, when I get to pondering, well, sometimes I just have to get out a pen and write down my thoughts. This was one of those times. You see, there are many different kinds of sluts, and there is not one hard and fast rule that simply defines a woman as a slut. But there are (at least) four levels of slut.
“Sadly, the Cheating Slut is really what most men mean when they say ‘slut' or ‘whore.' The first two levels are just people being people.”
This woman is not technically, by definition, a slut. She is the woman who gets stereotyped as a slut simply because she likes to fuck around. This woman typically has no boyfriend (or a boyfriend who doesn’t care that she fucks other men) and simply goes out looking to get laid. She doesn’t feel that she should have to settle down, and she thinks it’s unfair that other women degrade her for this. She is right. She is also one of the reasons I get up in the morning.
Of the last four women I’ve slept with, three fall into this category because (as far as I know), they were not cheating on anyone, were not lying about who they fucked, and were not asking for anything more than sex. Women love sex, too; they should not be blamed for seeking it. Stereotypes hurt everyone. Ironically enough, usually other women hate this girl because she can fuck who she wants, while men bare her no ill will. She is, after all, simply doing what she likes. And men, for the most part, respect that.
Unlike the whores that make up the second level of slut.
Much like the Sexually Liberated Woman, this slut has no boyfriend. She does however, and for whatever reason, feel she needs to lead men on. She fucks several different men at one time while tricking the men she fucks into thinking that they are pursuing a relationship. Which is to say that every one of the suckers she fucks happens to think that they’re the slut’s soon-to-be boyfriend. She also loves seeing men fight over her, which may be (at least in part) the motivation for her leading these poor bastards on.
The main thing that separates her from the Level 1 Slut is that she is not honest with the men in her life because she derives pleasure from wrapping suckers around her little finger. The women representing this level of slut usually leave me alone. I’m not sure why, but I’m pretty sure the Garden Variety Slut has a radar for suckers, and because I am not one, I hardly have to deal with these bitches.
I can’t say the same for the sluts in levels 3 and 4.
Cheating Sluts come in three different categories. There are those who simply cheat on a boyfriend they’ve had for a few months and then tell him (no big deal); those who cheat on a guy they’ve dated for a few months, never tell him, and force him to find out from his friends (a slightly bigger deal because these sluts lack honesty); and then there are the worst kind—the sluts who fuck around on a man they’ve been with for years and never tell him about it.
The first girl I fucked after the breakup belonged in last category. The bitch was engaged. She fucked me late in the afternoon and left early in the evening because her man would soon be arriving from work. To her fiancée, I say, “I hope your parents are proud of you for preparing to marry a 21-year-old waitress with no education. Oh, and by the way, I’ve never met a girl who had a tell for her female ejaculation before. I mean, her leg quivers like an epileptic in mid seizure and then she squirts. That’s kind of weird. And yes, I like her body, too.”
Sadly, the Cheating Slut is really what most men mean when they say “slut” or “whore.” The first two levels are just people being people, not people being disloyal bitches. What separates this level of slut from the fourth and final level of slut, is, quite simply, the motivation for cheating.
Fortunately for me, I live in a college community where finding a man with his own car, no roommates and a steady income is like hitting the jackpot for most girls. Unfortunately for me, this means I often get hit on by the Money Grubbing Slut.
The saddest thing about the Money Grubbing Slut is that she really does like (or even love) her boyfriend. She simply expects more from her man in terms of monetary consideration. She doesn’t make her own money and can’t live off her boyfriend’s petty McDonald’s wages, so she seeks out men who will take her to nice places and buy her shiny objects. This is the worst kind of whore because she’s pissing on love and respect all in the name of a few dollars.
I love promising this girl I will take her some place nice, then fucking her and ordering a pizza, explaining to her that I’m broke. After this, I can usually count the seconds until she leaves, feeling used. Then I double check my wallet; you can’t trust a Money Grubbing Slut (at least, not until she starts making her own money, in which case, the nickname gets changed to “Materialistic Shark,” which is unfair—I mean, why blame a girl for wanting money and making it?).
So guys, the next time you take a woman home from a bar, or fuck her in the bathroom at a party, or on the rooftop of a shopping mall, or in the grass median on the side of a highway (you know, whatever works for you), you may want to consider exactly what level of slut you are fucking. Remember, it’s not wrong if it’s just sex for sex’s sake (hell, female sexual liberation was the best thing to come out of the women’s rights movement). But if she’s in a relationship with some other guy (or guys) when you first fuck her, odds are she’s not the kind of girl you want to spend six bucks on.
Then again, few women are worth six bucks.
Nathan DeGraaf graduated fucking years ago with a BA in Creative Writing from the University of South Florida, which he still lives near because college chicks are the best. On... See full profile »
When we were told to chase our dreams, nobody mentioned they’d be mostly anxiety dreams.
Am I A Slut? I Took Five 'Slut Tests' And Here's What I Learned About Being A Slut
Tags:
slut
, slut test
, quizzes
, double standard
, sexism
, slut shaming
, sex
, feminism
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Sluts: What are they? Who are they? And how do I know if I'm a slut?
The world of sluttitude is nuanced, stigmatized, and complicated, BUT if you seek the answer to the latter question, you can trust that the Internet has the answer. Possibly several answers! Just Google "slut test" and you will find several in-depth quizzes that promise to tell you if you are a slut. Sound simple? Well, no: In most cases, the tests are unclear about what counts as a “sexual partner,” and which acts constitute “cheating.” This means it's up to the individual test-taker (and potential slut) to determine for themselves how to define these vague concepts.
Doesn't this taint the results, leading to false slut-positives? Well, don’t worry your potentially slutty heads about that, because as many of these tests demonstrate, “slut” isn’t really about sex! “Slut” is an attitude, a way of life, and an inability to wrap your head around the difficult concept of “underwear.” Let's explore five different "slut tests" and hope we find an answer!
Test #1: All The Tests' THE SLUT TEST! (see if you are a slut)
Tackling our tests alphabetically (because this is science, people!), our first test is All The Tests' THE SLUT TEST! . Spoiler alert! Many of these slut tests have questions about your underwear. You should probably excuse yourself to the sluts' ladies' room and check what kind of underwear you're wearing. If you don't know what underwear is, that's okay, too! All The Tests understands that underwear can be confusing, so if this question throws you for a loop, you can either Google "What is underwear" or select option C. Would a slut Google "underwear"? I'm not sure.
Everyone knows that sluts are religious...about wearing short shorts! Show your devotion to Daisy Dukes and select the first option, fellow sluts!
HA! You thought you'd catch me on this one, All The Tests! You didn't know that ripped all my nails off, leaving a bundle of stringy nerve endings at the end of my fingertips! When you're as big a slut as I am, nails just get in the way! If you're hoping to pass this slut test, here's what you should know: rip your nails off, worship cutoffs, and "underwear" are clothes you wear under other clothes! Good luck, sluts!
Test #2: BuzzFeed's 'What's Your Sex Number?' Quiz
If you complete Buzzfeed's exhaustive "What's Your Sex Number?" quiz , you deserve to be considered an honorary slut. This test took me the longest of all to complete, perhaps because I found myself puzzling over the specificity of some of the questions, such as the one above. Yes, I have flashed a single nipple, on the A train, on purpose. But would I consider it a joke? It was funny to me, but my intention was to get a rise out of a group of boys who were shaming girls for wearing low-cut shirts. I relish this memory so I'll tell it in full: I was wearing a tank top with loose straps that kept falling off my shoulders, so I merely pretended not to notice when my strap "accidentally" slipped down. So which box do I tick? Joke? Not a joke?
Again with the complicated questions: If you kissed someone you knew was taken, it was a premeditated offense. You check that box AND the box two boxes below. If you were unaware of your kissing partner's relationship status, you can only be tried as an accessory to slutitude, so you only check the third box. An extra point is merited, therefore, by mens rea. Oh, sluts!
BuzzFeed doesn't conclusively tell you if you are a slut or nah, but instead, it ascribes a number to you which I guess is useless, except to compare against the scores of other people who sat through this lengthy, confusing, and ultimately frivolous test. You know. Like an SAT score. BURRRRRRRN, standardized testing!
Test #3: Nerd Tests' The Total Slut Test
Every slut knows that when you need to know the answer, ask a nerd. Surely, Nerd Tests' "The Total Slut Test" will be the most scientifically-based, error proof test...
...oh... I think you mean "didn't"...
...oh... it's actually spelled "career"...
...um... "had" is the correct word. "Have you ever had lesbian sex"...
Hmmm. I'm not sure what "arroussed" is, but I would hope you'd be "touched" that I took the quiz, regardless of whether I was "arroussed" from reading the "qeustions" or not! Okay, what are my results?
Okay, I may be just a slut (possibly?), and not a "nerd," but I'm pretty sure those numbers add up to 168%, which is 168/100, an improper fraction. Improper...slutty...am I a slut? I want to approach this "rationally" (HAH HAH MATH PUN HAH HAH), so I'll assume this means I'm a "Quire girl." A quire is a collection of 24 or sometimes 25 sheets of paper of the same size and quality , so does that mean I'm "sheety"? I do like books (and the occasional folded pamphlet), so maybe this is a good result.
Still, I'm not entirely sure if I am a slut. Onward, ho!
I met my boyfriend on OkCupid , so I trust their algorithms to lead me to the answer I seek. The OkCupid Slut Test seems to have their method down — in fact, you have to enter your age on the first question to prove that you're over 13 years old. If you're under 13, you're too young to be a slut, and you're too young to type numbers larger than 13 into text boxes. Very clever, OkCupid.
OkCupid knows sluts so well, they know that "slut" isn't just a meaningless, arbitrary insult aimed at debasing women for giving in to the constant pressures of society to act sexy all of the time! Ha ha, no! Sluttiness extends all the way back to childhood!
Yes, OkCupid is the definitive Slut Test, because they ask the "textbook slut question." Is there, in fact, a Slut Textbook, and can I get a cheap version on Chegg.com ?
I'm torn how to answer this question. On the one hand, I feel like I "accomplished" a miracle of making a human connection in this crazy, desensitized world. On the other hand, I "wasted" countless hours riding the subway to Crown Heights from Harlem every weekend. So...D? None of the above? I'm starting to lose my faith in the validity of this test.
"How do you dress, for a night out?" Is that proper comma usage, OkCupid? Well, if I'm going to have "fun," I'm going to need to be comfortable, and that means wearing my paint-splattered overalls! So, do I look like a slut?:
Okay, so what are my "overall" results?
I guess you can't argue with science.
Now, if you're thinking, "What does this have to do with the number of sex partners you've had in your lifetime?" I'd ask you, "What does that have to do with being a slut?" But okay, fine. On to the next test.
Test #5: The Slate Sex History Calculator
This simple, 3-question survey has nary a mention of the word "slut" in it, but it still seems to come up in searches for "slut test," whoever knows why. The questions keep coming, as your answer lays out your number of sex partners, relative to other people of your declared gender and age bracket. Dammit, Slate! Am I a slut or not?! Why can't I get an easy fucking answer?
Ultimately, how do you know if you're a slut? My inconclusive and contradictory test results have led me to form my own theory about this slutty paradox: you may or may not be a slut, but you will never know you are a slut until someone calls you a slut. Yes, we are all Schrödinger's sluts. In conclusion, everyone is a slut, and noone is a slut. If "slut" empowers you, wear it proudly. If you use the word "slut" as an insult, you might need to explore why such a vague, watered-down, indeterminate word holds so much power over you. A good jumping-off point to that journey is to take five slut quizzes in a row. Oh, and tear your fingernails out. Makes typing on an iPhone so much easier.
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Labels are hard to shift. I know. I pissed myself in class in grade 2. Since then I got labelled as “that kid who peed his pants.” My friends would say, “Hey remember that time you peed your pants?” Hard to forget when it’s frequently brought up over 8 years. I escaped that identity only when I changed schools. I suspect being labelled “slut” is much worse. I’ve never once called a girl a slut. I’ve had girlfriends who cheated on me though. Not pleasant. Then again, I’ve cheated on girlfriends. Not proud. You might say that’s karma for being a man slut. But perhaps, just perhaps, we all are. Yes. If you’re reading this and you’re female, you’re a slut! Wow, that’s the first time I said that to a girl. Anyway, here’s why you are…
Women are sluts and men are, well, men. We think of men as man-whores already. Hence there’s no point of stating the obvious. But the truth is both sexes love sex. Women are just as promiscuous as men, otherwise the numbers don’t add up. If men were sleeping around with all these women, there has to be “all these women” to sleep around with in the first place. The average male reports having twice as many partners as the average women report. This could only happen if there are twice as many women in the population. Either men exaggerate or women understate. But someone’s lying here.
In nature it’s the male species that use physical appearance to vie for female attention. In humans, it’s the opposite. Women in the Kayan tribe of Thailand extend their necks with brass rings. Women in Ethiopian tribes scar their bellies or insert plaques into their lips. In Japan, women cosmetically unstraighten their teeth, while a tribe in Indonesia file their teeth to be pointy. Women of 19th century Europe wore tight corsets. Meanwhile daughters in Mauritania are sent to fat camps to get stretch marks. Different methods but to the same end. To attract men. It’s true in every society in every part of the world at any time in history. Come to think of it, short skirts, see-through blouse and six-inch stilettos are a bit tame comparatively. Step it up a bit ladies!
Once you’re tagged a slut, it sticks with you. It’s not that you can’t shake it off but often because you won’t. Your resistance to the slut label is the glue that keeps you tied to it. Carl Jung said it best. Whatever you resist persist. So embrace it. Wear it as a badge of honour of your sexual empowerment, and pretty soon the word loses all negative undertones. Take the “Slutwalk” movement. The protest was against victim-blaming and slut-shaming. Women declared loudly and proudly they were sluts. After a while people just told them to shut up about it. The movement died but so did some of the word’s power. What you embrace dissolves.
You have plump breasts. No other primate does. Not unless they’re breastfeeding. It’s a trait non-essential for survival. In the animal world, it’s always the male species that have these “handicaps.” But there’s an adaptive payoff that outweighs the energy cost and survival risk. And that is sexual advantage. Peacocks get more peahens. Women get more men. In nature, sex mostly only occur when the female is ovulating. To prevent males searching for other mates while she’s not ovulating, a woman’s breasts signal she’s continuously sexually receptive. Push up bras, plunging necklines, fishnet crop tops, breast implants. Enhancing your assets opens up your options. It’s not slutty. It’s called natural selection.
While men are typically penis-centric, women have a lot of erogenous zones. Virtually every part of their body can be a feel-good button. The clitoris has twice as many nerve endings as the penis. It’s there for fun. The organ has no other function. Women were made to find sex pleasurable, arguably more than men. In our ancient past, humans evolved to find sweet and salty taste pleasurable. Times of plenty were rare. So when we did have access to those type of food we tended to gorge on them. Today this adaptive mechanism doesn’t serve us. But we still have the biologically urge to choose coke and fries over the salad and kale juice. Women are naturally geared towards getting sex when she can. The problem? Sex is now plenti
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