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Are you stuck in a sexual rut? Perhaps you squeeze it in and it feels more like a chore, or you rarely have it at all. Have you forgotten how amazing sex can be? Do you need to be reminded of your sexual side? Slow sex may be the solution to some of these issues, here’s why…
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As a woman, you might have asked yourself why you sometimes don’t necessarily feel in the mood for sex but enjoy it after it gets going. Perhaps you — or your partner — frame this as a negative thing. However, research shows that it is not uncommon for women to feel desire after sexual activity has already started and not before [ 1 ].
Scientists and sex educators call this type of desire “responsive”. While some women are capable of feeling spontaneous desire, which is more commonly experienced by men, many women have responsive desire [ 2 p 225].
On top of that, there can be a disagreement or discordance between women’s mental and physical arousal states [ 3 ]. You may be mentally aroused but your body may not have gotten the message, and the opposite is also true.
It’s no wonder that women can take longer to become physically aroused — if there is even a chance of that happening. Engaging in sexual activities, especially penetration, can be uncomfortable for women who are not yet fully aroused [ 4 ]. By engaging in foreplay activities such as manual or oral stimulation, you give your body a chance to become physically aroused. The arousal process involves blood rushing to your genitals to create vaginal lubrication [ 5 ] and swelling [ 6 , 7 ]. Additionally being aroused not only make sex less painful but provides you with a greater chance of experiencing pleasure and orgasm [ 8 ].
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While it’s easy to view these common traits of female sexuality as negative, especially if your partner has a spontaneous desire or doesn’t care if you’re fully aroused, think of this as an opportunity to ensure that you are fully aroused and giving your desire a chance to culminate and avoid unwanted or potentially negative sexual experiences.
Slow sex gives you the opportunity to do that. Furthermore, if you’re one of the women who are capable of experiencing multiple orgasms or want to learn how , having sex slowly can take advantage of that and give you even more pleasure.
Other benefits include the ability to try more new things, and easing up on your joints and muscles (great if you have arthritis or mobility limitations, or are recovering from an injury),
Finally, slowing things down even if you don’t have any issues in the bedroom is a way to focus on the emotional connection you share with your partner, to enhance intimacy and truly make love.
Of course, not all women have responsive desire or want slow sex all the time. Sometimes a quickie is just what the doctor ordered; still, it’s a nice tool to keep in your metaphorical arsenal (or bedside table) to break out from time to time.
The number one way to slow down sex is to add more foreplay, those activities that traditionally come before intercourse. However, you might benefit from updating your definition of sex to include more than intercourse. Otherwise, it’s too easy to relegate making out, manual stimulation, use of toys or other activities that focus directly on the clitoris, which many women need or prefer to orgasm [ 9 ], as less than intercourse and skip them.
Obviously, that’s not going to help you have slow sex.
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It’s no wonder the orgasm gap is so large!
Foreplay sets the pace before you and your man take off one another’s clothes, ensuring you’re not rushing straight to the finish line! Plus, foreplay helps you involve more of your bodies in sex.
If you don’t normally go for foreplay, you might wonder whether it has any benefit. After all, getting right to the getting off is good, too. But foreplay has some great benefits. It helps get you into the right headspace, can push you from “sort of in the mood to have sex” to “ready to go,” helps you get more lubricated and loosens up muscles. This makes things like anal sex easier. Foreplay toes the line between relaxation and sexual frenzy, and we think that’s just great.
You can check out all our advice about foreplay here , but in the meantime here are a few slow sex tips to make sure it blows your mind!
You can continue with sex toys, a sensual full-body massage ( learn how to give a massage ) and any other activity that makes you burn with lust. For instance, slowly securing your partner in cuffs and a blindfold will tease and tantalize. Learn more in our guide to light bondage .
Slowing things down means literally slowing down the pace at which you have sex. The following slow sex techniques can help with that.
If you struggle to slow things down outside of the bedroom, it might be difficult to get the hang of soft slow sex. Practices such as mindfulness can be useful outside of the bedroom, too.
Remember to use plenty of lube when you’re having sex slowly, too. This ensures you don’t get sore and that everything remains slick.
Even if you slow things down, taking little breaks can be a fun way to catch your breath and prolong the end of your session in the sack. Are you surprised to learn that sex doesn’t have to be a short burst of frenzied activity? Don’t be!
If his arms are feeling tired, he feels too close to orgasm (more on that below) or you’re feeling just a little bit sore, take a break. Cuddle, laugh, or even get a snack if you’d like. Return to making out, grinding or simply running your hands along one another’s bodies before getting back to slow sensual sex.
During your break, your man might get a little soft, but that’s just fine! You can use your hand or mouth to bring him to attention again. You can also experiment with taking a break right after you orgasm. Many women become too sensitive to continue then, anyway.
Slow gentle sex requires you to approach with purpose rather than just letting the cards fall where they may. Not only is it easy to fall back into old habits and speed things along, but for most couples, sex ends when the man cums. Now, having sex slowly might be a little harder if your man is the type to cum early. Check out our tips on making sex last longer , many of which make for good slow sex tips. But to slow things down, most men will need to learn how to wait until they orgasm.
Psst, are you a guy who wants to know how to last longer in bed? Check out this post!
Products do exist to slow him down. Lubes, creams and even condoms containing benzocaine, the most common chemical used to delay a man’s orgasm, are readily available [ 18 , 19 , 20 ]. There are some potential consequences to using these products, however.
Try these products as a last resort. Make sure to use them only on the inside of a condom to preserve your pleasure.
As a whole, switching things up will be good to prolong the time it takes for him to orgasm. So don’t just let him thrust. Switch directions and positions. Choose slow sex positions that are a bit less stimulating for him. If slow and deep sex brings him too close to the edge, try slow trusting that’s more shallow.
Move from oral to vaginal sex and back to manual stimulation. Experiment with pitter-patter thrusts. Wrap your legs around him and hold him inside, or use your thighs to hold him just outside you.
You can try edging for either of you. Edging is the practice of getting near to orgasm but not allowing it to happen. Back off, then work yourself back toward orgasm. Repeat this process as long as you can stand it. The resulting orgasm is usually ah-may-zing!
For men, the art of orgasm without ejaculating is one that can be mastered to prolong sex, too. This is possible through two methods, generally. The first is prostate stimulation, and the easiest way to do this while he’s inside you is with your finger, if you can reach his butt.
The second method requires one of you to wrap your fingers around the base of his scrotum and firmly pull down when he’s orgasming [ 22 ]. Just make sure not to pull so hard that it hurts him.
Both of these methods take practice to perfect them, so don’t fret if you don’t get them right the first time! It might be a good idea to let your man know what you are planning to do beforehand too so you don’t give him a shock.
Another thing to consider is not stopping sex just because he’s done. You can continue to masturbate, he can go back down on you or finger you, or you could reach for your favorite toy for him to use on you. Feel free to redefine what sex is and when it ends during any session, not just slow deep sex!
Most of this advice about slowly making love focuses on what you should do before your partner ejaculates. Why is that? Many men roll over and go to sleep immediately after their own orgasms, much to the chagrin of their partners. However, it’s not necessarily a man’s fault.
After orgasm, men experience a rise of prolactin [ 23 ], which inhibits dopamine [ 24 ], resulting in a temporary decrease in energy. Dopamine is one of the reasons why sex feels so good as it’s assoc
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