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How should I deal with my husband's very mild fondling of my daughters?
My husband sometimes touches our 3 and 6 year old daughters in ways that I find mildly inappropriate - e.g. pulling down the 3 year-old's pants so we can see her bottom, or caressing her bottom when she just needs help pulling down her night-time diaper to use the toilet in the morning; or holding the 6 year-old across his lap in an armchair and stroking her leg from top to bottom (just on the outside).
So we're not talking about anything obviously sexual, but nevertheless it makes me feel uncomfortable, and I feel I shouldn't ignore my gut reaction, even when it seems like an overreaction. I'm not sure how (or whether) to talk about it to him, or what to say to my daughters to help protect them.
Whenever an adult has any concern – whether it’s a gut feeling, an observation or other experience – with another adult’s behaviors with children, it is always wise to talk about it. It’s never an overreaction to worry about a child’s safety – even when it concerns loved one’s behaviors. Yes, perhaps your husband is just a dad who loves his children a whole bunch and uses touch to demonstrate his affection, but if his behaviors raise questions for you, now is a good time to address safety in your home.
Young Children are Sexual Beings It is often hard for some adults and parents to realize that even at age 3 children are sexual beings and experience sexual feelings. Your husband may not be aware of this, and so not understand the effects of his behaviors on your children’s feelings.
Most parents are careful that their children are not overstimulated in many different ways and in many areas of their lives, such as too much loud music, too much TV, too much food, too much play and activity. This kind of overstimulation causes children to become cranky and overtired.
Avoid Overstimulation Parents also need to be aware that they must be careful not to overstimulate a child’s sexual feelings. Children are way too young and emotionally immature to be able to handle feeling overstimulated sexually. Caressing a child’s leg (even a child as young as 3) can make them feel uncomfortable and overstimulated, and they may feel much more comfortable with a hug, or kiss on the cheek.
Reducing Your Child’s Vulnerability Focusing on a child’s private parts, such as you described your husband doing in showing off his daughter’s bottom can send a message to her that any adult can touch or show off her body. To help protect children against abuse, children need to be taught that they can say no to touching, and that their "no" will be respected. This is a very important piece of prevention in regards to the possibility of sexual abuse. There are, of course, exceptions to this – such as when a very small child needs help with toileting or bathing, or when there is need for medical attention. From Diapers to Dating: A Parent's Guide to Raising Sexually Healthy Children (link is external) is a book that can be a helpful resource for parents.
Warning Signs Another tool of prevention is to become aware of the Behaviors to Watch for When Adults Are With Children and Signs That an Adult May Be At-Risk to Harm a Child . As you review these, note whether you see any of these behaviors in your husband. Look for patterns or repetitious behavior that you’ve requested him to limit or stop. If you do see additional behaviors that trouble you, please contact us back for further guidance.
Speaking Up After looking over some these resources, including some of those indicated below, sit down and have a conversation with your husband about how certain types of touching, even when the intention is loving, can be harmful to children. This would be the time to include any other observations you have that concern you.
It would be great if you and he could reach agreement on some rules about privacy boundaries with your kids. For instance, some families teach their children that they have “No Touch Zones” – usually where their bathing suits cover them, or between the waist and the knees – and that no one is allowed to touch them (except for the reasons I already mentioned) in these areas. This is a way to make things very clear to children and to adults.
Prevention with Children The best way to work with your young children now is to become as aware as you can of healthy sexual development, talk with your children regularly in age-appropriate ways about their bodies and boundaries and create a family safety plan that includes open communication and rules about touch and privacy in the home.
Worrying about children's safety is rarely an "overreaction". Adults who care about children should be able to talk about creating the safest environment possible for children. I hope this information is helpful and invite you to please contact us back with any concerns or questions.
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I have been married for 5 years. Our sex life was very lusty and fulfilling when we first met - but it soon settled down to having sex once a month after a drink.
My husband is a loving man but is not demonstrative. We have chatted about the lack of sex in our relationship but end up going around in circles I was happy to go through this until we were both ready to sort it out, until last year. We usually have a drink every weekend and I often fall into a deep drink induced sleep
But I began waking in the morning feeling sore down below. I had the feeling that I had had sex but did not remember - I would ask my husband if we had sex the night before and he would say no. This continued every time I fell asleep after a drink and I could not work out why.
One night just out of curiosity I went to bed first as normal but decided to pretend to be in a deep sleep (I made sure I did not have a lot to drink) to see if anything was going on. My husband came to bed and within 15 minutes just as I was drifting off he started to touch me, and went on to have sex with me. He clearly didn¿t want me awake.
The next day I asked my husband if we had sex, and he said no! I was disgusted and felt violated and had to face him about it in a way he could not deny it. So I waited until next time pretended I was asleep again - but this time half way through I just pretended to wake and asked him what he was doing.
He came up with every excuse under the sun other than admit to what he was doing. He was distraught and said he would cut his hands off before touching me without my consent in that way again. I was very upset that he was getting off on this kind of sex preferring that to the loving intimate adventurous sex life I was trying to get back. He promised it would not happen again.
Now I cannot relax and feel I daren't have a drink in case he does those things and I get that horrible sinking feeling again the next morning. As I see it he would rather jump all over me and enjoys the fact that it is without my consent or involvement. Our sex life, or lack of it, really is not a problem but what he did when I was in a deep sleep does.
I cannot fathom out why he says he has such a hang up about sex, but can have sex with me when I am asleep.
Please help this resentment is destroying my respect for him and I feel raped and violated and have told him so. I feel I cannot confront him again about this. I got nowhere last time.
He gave me empty promises saying he would never do it again. Does it make me just as bad because I am aware it is happening and have not confronted him about it this time?
Am I consenting in a way? I am 34 and my husband is 40.
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