Sleep Were My Wife

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Home / Advice & Confessions / The Dude Sleeping with My Wife
On any given night at my house, the following scenario may be played out—sometimes meticulously and other times following this broad outline.
After dinner and dishes with the family, I’ll retreat to my small corner of the universe, a spot in the bedroom I share with my wife where I’ve wedged a desk and an old computer. For an hour or so, I’ll tinker with words, stories or poems or pieces like the one I’m writing now. Then I’ll then go downstairs and watch the Red Sox game, curse at the television, perhaps grade some papers if I’m so inspired.
Meanwhile, my wife and kids will go to bed, and I’ll doze off on the couch to the soporific rhythms of a baseball game. Around midnight, I’ll wake and sluggishly stumble up the stairs to my bedroom, undress in the dark, and attempt to slip into bed.
But I can’t. There’s already a dude sleeping in my spot.
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The dude is my 8 year-old son sprawled out beside his mother, his small mouth open as he enjoys his slumber on my side of the bed.
“Shit,” I’ll mutter as I make my way back, blanket in hand, to the couch.
My wife and I never would have guessed that our experiment in co-sleeping could come to this, and it is something that we no longer talk about in the company of friends. Our son’s refusal to sleep in his own bed is something that makes us feel inadequate as parents. And it is something that makes me, as the father, feel small and impotent.
Before we had our daughter, who is two years older than our son, we researched the concept of co-sleeping, and the experiment worked brilliantly the first time. My wife was able to nurse both our children without getting up, it promoted a closeness we still share with kids, and thankfully, SIDS was averted. And before she turned two-years old, my daughter effortlessly made the move into her own bed.
My son, however, remains strung to his mother, which makes an air-tight case for Freud’s antiquated theories. Now he’s eight years old, we are no longer sleeping with a baby between us.
While we’ve talked to his pediatrician and read up on possible solutions, it boils down to the same singular suggestion: we need to be consistent and keep putting him back in his bed. But we both have to wake up early for work; and in this long and anguished war of attrition, the boy inexhaustibly keeps coming back to our bed, pushing me to the couch.
Meanwhile, I have pinned the problem on myself. I’m the father, and I should take care of the situation, lay down the law and tell the boy, “No more.”
But I don’t. I’ve never been good at being The Heavy.
It is not unusual for sons to grow up with a healthy fear of their fathers, and I don’t believe this is a particularly bad thing. For many boys, they learn to respect authority through fearing their father’s wrath.
I can remember being a small boy, wringing my hands and watching the clock after screwing up, after my mother told me to go to my room and wait until my father got home from work.
My parents didn’t believe in corporal punishment—and nor do my wife and I—but I remember the wait for my father to get home as interminable, believing against all logic that my father might finally smack me for being a jackass.
Without having to say a word or raise his voice, my father was The Heavy. For me, this isn’t the case.
In my house, my wife is the heavy, and I don’t believe my son has any fear—much less a healthy fear—of me as his father and an authority figure. Even when I raise my voice, it always reeks of fraudulence, like a politician’s smile. It takes on the sound of a parody, and my son and I both know this.
To top it off, I’m useless with tools, only recently learned to put air in a tire, and I write poetry—not exactly making me The Dirty Harry of dads. The chances of forcing my son into sleeping in his own bed in the near-future are slim. The best I can muster is to tease the boy by calling him Oedipus, a reference that he doesn’t get and certainly doesn’t bother him.
Consequently, I’m on the couch—tongue-in-cheek and dick-in-hand. Although in the course of the past five years I have slept in a racecar bed, then the top bunk, I actually prefer the couch and dim buzz of the ballgame in the background.
But even if I were The Heavy, The Enforcer, the King of the Castle; even if I were to scare the boy out of the bed I should be sharing with my wife with a show of might; even if my son were to have a healthy fear of his father, it still doesn’t equate to care and love.
And when I make the futile trip up the stairs and into my bedroom and find my son in his SpongeBob pajamas, nestled beside my wife, who is curled up in a pair of yoga pants and one of my old t-shirts, I need to remind myself to brush off my annoyance because I love him.
You have to love a dude to let him steal your spot in your bed next to your wife. And in spite of my passivity, I know it won’t go on forever.
Image credit: Michael Guntsche/Flickr
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Nathan Graziano lives in Manchester, New Hampshire, with his wife and kids. His books include Teaching Metaphors (Sunnyoutside Press), After the Honeymoon (Sunnyoutside Press) Hangover Breakfasts (Bottle of Smoke Press in 2012), Sort Some Sort of Ugly (Marginalia Publishing in 2013), and My Next Bad Decision (Artistically Declined Press, 2014). Almost Christmas, a collection of short prose pieces, was published by Redneck Press in 2017. Graziano writes a baseball column for Dirty Water Media in Boston. For more information, visit his website: www.nathangraziano.com.
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This has killed my relationship with my wife. I’m more than frustrated with it now but I guess it will pass but everything we had is going or gone. I was never brought up this way and we are from different cultures. She has all the family support here (7 sisters) and I have none which makes it extremely difficult. We are stuck in the 1960’s in my home. When my son lays down next to my wife to sleep he head butts or pushes me out of there and says politely that we need to go to sleep. My… Read more »
My older brother warned me about this when my first born son was about 4 months old. The little guy started crying after breaking out of his swaddle and my wife considered having sleep in our bed. It was a battle between soothing a crying baby and training my wife (tounge in cheek) that our bed was our bed. We eventually discovered a Zipadee-zip suit and I would just put him to sleep in it and place him in the crib. Bam! He is now one year old and used to sleeping in his crib.
Hey, I’ve got you all beat. I’ve not gotten to share a bed with my wife other than on rare occasion for 18 years. We started with the family bed thing with my first son (now 18). My second son (now 17) is severely disabled and my wife feels she has to sleep with him and I don’t deny that he will wake up in the night wanting something and his behaviors in terms of self-abusive get pretty bad (and mild violence toward others) when he gets stressed. Got the brilliant idea five or six years ago to get another… Read more »
You could break the habit in two weeks if you wanted to. He won’t respect you when he’s 16 unless you stand up to him now and show him, gently but firmly, that what Dad says, goes.
Nate – I was toying with another thought yesterday that never quite formed until I read this just a few minutes ago: http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life/relationships/3-things-i-wish-i-knew-we-got-married The priest in my childhood parish gave a homily about parenting once and how people often talk about putting the child first or how marriage is “for the sake of the children” (interestingly, this was also the argument in front of the US Supreme Court recently). Anyway, in the homily he said your most important relationships should be ranked as follows: 1) God 2) Spouse 3) Children (I’d edit this to Divine – Partner – Children, but… Read more »
By waiting this long it is going to be quite difficult to break this pattern but the sooner you start the better it will be. Everyone has gone through their “scared of the dark – can’t sleep” phase. Everyone eventually gets over it, you are doing your son a disservice by not allowing him to figure this out at this relatively late stage of his life. Get to it!
I keep hearing the bullying is a major problem, and having an moderately functioning autistic child I truly worry about it. But if 3rd graders aren’t attacking this behavior what are they actually bullying over?
Don’t fool yourself into thinking this won’t go on forever. He may stop co-sleeping eventually, but something more serious will take its place. The lessons are clear: co-sleeping is a bad idea, and men need to establish boundaries or they will lose control of their lives. Put your foot down, man; just because you’re a poet doesn’t mean you have to be a wimp. Read Iron John by Robert Bly for a model.
Nate, We co-slept with both our boys when they were little. Then when the 5yo went through a phase after the baby brother was born, we put a little kid mattress on the floor of our room. We would put him to sleep in his own bed but made it ok for him to come use the mattress on the floor if he needed to. After about a month he stopped coming into our room and didn’t need it anymore. I also slept in our little one’s room on a separate bed for about a month after moving him to… Read more »
Thank you, Kari. I think the gender roles have been shook up, largely from economic necessities, and many of us parents are trying to figure it out. And I write for this site for that exact reason: these are discussions that need to be had. But this has been helpful. Thanks again.
How many hours a week do you and your wife work? How is your son educated?
I really like that you pretend you let him sleep with your wife out of love for the kid. what it actually is is your refusal to be a parent and set boundaries. This is a prime example of what is wrong with people today. You are not suppose to be your kids bff. you are suppose to be their parent and teach them how to behave properly. i guess we are suppose to call it “tough love” these days but realistically, its doing what you are suppose to as a parent.
It’s important that YOU realize that LOVE is not the same as allowing no boundaries. By giving your son no edges, you rob him of defining characteristics that will serve him his whole life. You are also NOT showing him how best to act as an adult. It is no great thing to act like not knowing how to use tools is fine. You know how to use tools, you’re a writer, I presume you know how to use a pen? How about a computer? These are tools, no less than any other kind of tool. Some tools you know… Read more »
The kid is now 8, and that’s far, far past the time he should be sleeping in his own room. There is one advantage of an 8-year-old: you can reason with them. You can explain that things have gotten out of hand, why this is a problem, and – no discussion here – that it’s time to fix it. Then you do so. You can try something to make it more palatable. Reward him for sleeping in his own room, fine. However, underneath whatever games are played, the kid must sense steel: no give, no negotiation, and this from both… Read more »
I ought to be right in your wheelhouse–I’m a writer and a stay-at-home father. I’m with my kid every day of the week, with my writing time generally being when the kiddo naps. I ought to feel some empathy for you at least. But everything in me says one thing: Man up, Nancy. You are the adult, and you are the one who can make things change in your house. My first thought is this: Don’t fall asleep on the couch. Go to bed at the same time your wife does. That way, the kid doesn’t have the opportunity to… Read more »
My sister and her husband dealt with this problem by letting their son sleep on the floor of the bedroom. He did that for about 2 years before he finally moved into is own room. At that point, he was about 10 years old.
Between co-sleeping with bothof their kids, my sister and her husband didn’t get their bed back to themselves for almost 15 years. Thought they were crazy.
Thank you, everyone, for your kind and generous advice. This is truly something that has frustrated and shamed me. I know I should do something about it, but I also have a tendency toward pessimism. I guess I’ve been taking the passive role and trying to wait it out. I would assume that eventually the co-sleeping is going to have some organic social consequences, but the boy seems impervious to the fact that he can’t have friends sleep over, etc. It has been maddening.
Thanks again. I appreciate any and all suggestions.
Here are some ideas for a gentle transition out: 1) You need a staycation, or several progressive ones, where you are in your house but you don’t need to worry about getting up for work the next day. 2) Try putting a mattress or bed in your room that he could sleep on. If you need to, you can sit or lie on his bed until he falls asleep in the beginning so he can get used to it. 3) When he’s used to sleeping in his own bed, in your room, it’s time to transition to his bed in… Read more »
Being “the heavy” is called “parenting.”
I believe my parents’ willingness to do this is what helped me grow up to be somebody who makes her deadlines and pays her taxes and is generally personally responsible.
If you can’t do this, you should have used birth control.
As much as you don’t like playing ‘The Heavy’, but from a Lacanian point of view, I don’t think you’re doing him any favours by letting him stay.
Awesome, honest piece. I’m the mom, our almost 4 y/o son. Co sleeps ……partly due to space. But I wouldn’t go BA k and do any different. I heard the ‘cut off ‘ is 6. But you have the right mind set you can’t rush it because of his feelings but you can’t not do it to spare his feelings because the older he gets the more of an impact it will have on him. Try babycenter.com for tips. Or different things like $ or prize. For big boy sleeping in his own bed or story time with mommy in… Read more »
Nathan, I understand your frustration, and I appreciate that you have put up with this because you love your son. That said, I think that it’s time to help your son make the transition to his own bed. This will be difficult, but you have to realize that your son did not cause this situation: you and your wife did. As Mother of Boys says, your family dynamic is askew. When you choose to distance yourself from the family from just after dinner until long after bedtime, you are leaving a vacuum. If you want to regain your proper place… Read more »
It may be time to get your son in his own bed. He is too old for co-sleeping. It sounds like it is hurting your relationship with your wife. It is so important for spouses to sleep in the same bed. Parents need time to themselves without the kids. They also need the closeness and intimacy of sleeping together.
I am a complete AP parent. I have co-slept with all of my boys. I am telling you that, at 8 years old, I think your son needs to get out of your bed. He could have a bed next to yours or across the room. He could always be welcome for morning cuddles and after bad dreams. But he is a big boy and your family dynamic is askew.
Doesn’t apply to you at this point.
However, in our area recently, two infants died during co-sleeping and the prosecution is charging the women in question with a felony. Don’t recall what it is.
It won’t go on forever, but it actually should have stopped by now. I am no child psychologist but I don’t think it is good for your son and I know it is not good for your marriage, because I have experience with what you are living right now. I thought the way you do and I am now divorced. When your wife no longer cares whether you come to bed with her it is only a matter of time after your little dude has vacated your spot in the bed before it is occupied by some much bigger dude… Read more »
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Sleep Were My Wife