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| ‘Sleepovers’ With My 9-Year-Old Daughter

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By Amy Arndt
October 7, 2012 8:00 am
October 7, 2012 8:00 am

159

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1 Hiker Dead and 5 Others Rescued After Facing Extreme Heat in Arizona

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When I was in high school in the late ’80s, I took a job baby-sitting for a single mother with a 9-year-old boy. I didn’t know the family well. The father was absent from the situation, and the mother
appeared overwhelmed. The kid ran the show, and he got what he wanted by throwing fits, stomping his feet and pouting. The mother doted on her son, and spoke to him in a syrupy baby talk that made my skin crawl.
On my first day on the job, the mother took me on a tour of the house. When we got to her bedroom, the bed was unmade on both sides, and we stood there uncomfortably while I cringed at the thought that this rather unpleasant
woman had not slept alone. After a moment of silence, the mother shrugged apologetically and fessed up: her sleeping companion was her son. Given that I was a teenager and felt I was an expert on child psychology,
I quickly determined that the child’s behavioral problems were linked to the fact that he still slept with his mother.
Some 25 years later, I’m married with two teenage stepchildren and a 9-year old daughter. Because of our unique situation (five people in a three-bedroom home, custody schedules, etc.), the sleeping arrangements
can get quite creative. Yet one thing remains consistent: on Tuesday nights, my husband sleeps on the couch in the living room, and my 9-year-old daughter sleeps with me.
Confessing this publicly is not easy, because I’m a highly opinionated woman who has been known to change her mind on a variety of issues. Before the birth of my daughter, I bragged endlessly about my plans to
breastfeed. Yet despite a large investment in a private lactation consultant and a breast pump that rivaled a Dyson DC41 Animal, I produced about four drops of milk. As soon as I cracked open the first can of formula,
I shut my mouth and got back to taking care of business, and life was better for all of us, most important, our infant.
So despite the fact that I once thought that a 9-year-old sleeping with a parent was a terrible idea, I have to eat my words. I don’t know exactly how the Tuesday night sleepovers started, but it’s one
of my favorite nights of the week. I work full time, and this is time I spend catching up with my daughter. We hop in bed, talk about our days, watch lousy TV and cuddle.
Unlike the conversations in the car, where I’m distracted or stressed, or the big family dinners, when everyone talks at the same time, our sleepover nights allow for uninterrupted time to tackle the Big Questions
of Life. I’ll hear about problems at school, answer questions on religion, and attempt to explain puberty without sounding like a seventh-grade health teacher. Most of these nights, my daughter asks me to
sing her to sleep, and I bask in the glory that at this point in her life, she still thinks I can sing like Adele.
Take an informal poll of other parents, and you may discover that unique sleeping arrangements are not unusual. Several single, divorced mothers have confessed to me that they let their kids sleep with them. It’s
for a variety of reasons – some do it because they feel they can be closer to protect their child, others admit it’s filling a void and easing the aftermath of a tough divorce. Some parents tell me
that an occasional sleepover with a kid isn’t a big deal at all. And then you have parents who have taken the Ferber Method so seriously that the mere thought of having their kid in bed with them sends them
straight to the child psychologist.
At the end of the day, it’s about choices. I am going to blink twice, and my 9-year-old, who already practices rolling her eyes at me like a sassy-pants teenager, is going to have absolutely zero interest in
hanging out with me, much less participate in a sleepover. So until things change, I’ll cherish our Tuesday nights, and keep on cranking out the lullabies as long as I have a daughter who requests them.
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Having known many people who slept with their children from infancy onward, I've always wondered how much of it was for them and how much of it was for the "baby." I raised my son alone from the age of 2, and while we spent most of our waking hours together, it was very important to both of us to have autonomy when we slept. He's grown up and married now, but was, and remains, a self-reliant person who never had any of the issues I heard about in other children--waking in the night, being afraid to sleep in his own bed, etc. I think there's a lot to be said for conventional sleeping habits, and for making a child's bed a pleasant place to be.
Co-sleeping with older children is plain creepy and it is not the same thing as letting the kids in the marital bed for cuddling and then tucking them into their own beds every night. Not to mention that it always seems to be the woman who insists there is no problems in their marriage because of this arrangement, as if not being able to have sex without scheduling it cannot hurt a marriage in any way. It is not that co-sleeping seems overly sexual, it just seems a way to infantilize a child, away to stop them from becoming independent, not allowing them to grown up, very similar to breastfeeding a child until they are tall enough to stand up and nurse. Both of these things seem to have little to do with what is best for the child and everything to do with what is best for a needy, neurotic parent. But this situation is nothing like that, it is more like a pajama party, but so best enjoy it while you can!
I know an Asian family where the husband gets up early morning to be with his wife, because the wife generally sleeps with the 16 year old youngest daughter and till 2 years ago with her second son, one on each side. This is what the children wanted. The mother breastfed all her 3 children till the parties concerned, did not want to continue; just a matter of demand and supply for mother's milk and physical and mental satiety. There are no tantrums. All things are explained to children. Everybody does their things. just togetherness!
Utopian? No!. It is new immigrant family. They have not yet started to split hairs and to start conforming with new values and traditions. If you simplify or complicate life, only to the extent that you need and can afford, life will good to you. Talk to the 9 year old kid! You will be surprised by his understanding.
By the way, there is an important factor missing. Where is the permanent 'man of the house' ? That nine year old now, is unable to look up to his man!.
One night a week couched as a sleep-over is not the same as a child who sleeps with parent(s) 365 days. One is a treat - the other appears a dysfunctional coping mechanism.
My husband and I slept with our daughter in our very large bed for several years eventually she spontaneously "moved out" when she was around 8 across the hall and demanded a regular bed (not a mattress on the floor). None of this ever hurt any of us and we have good feelings about the memories of those nights - as does she. She still came into our room once in a while - she often has sleep overs with friends - boys and girls from teenage on and still does (she's 25). No sex involved - just friendship. I don't recall this being something anyone did when I was a kid.
I'm 56; we had boy/girl friendship only sleepovers even back then when I was a kid, but it was almost always groups of 3 or more.
As a child growing up in Asia, I slept in my mom's bed (my dad worked in another country and visited us every weekend) every night on weeknights until I was 14. For all the worried, guilt-ridden parents out there being bombarded with what seems these days like an endless series of "do's" and "don'ts" and "or else your child will grow up or not grow up to be X," you'll be glad to know that by all accounts I believe I have grown up happy, well-adjusted, and definitely none the worse for our sleepovers. I'm a professional, living independently on the other side of the world from my family, still extremely close to both my parents, and have nothing but happy memories of a time when my mom and I could take pleasure in one of the simplest but most profound things any parent and child can share - quality time together. No parenting book, NYTimes article, blog or other parents' comments can or should replace a special arrangement, loving ritual or parents' instinct for what works for their family and children.
I have no problem with children sleeping in their parents bed. I love when my sons climb into bed with my husband and me. However, I found this statement very concerning:
"others admit it’s filling a void and easing the aftermath of a tough divorce" It's very concerning to me that a young child would be put in the position of replacing a spouse or being an emotional crutch for a parent. That's a lot of burden to put on a child who is likely too young to process it. I guess this is like a lot of things with parenting, something can be good or bad depending on the child and the situation but almost nothing is universally good or bad.
I'm a 34 year old married woman, and when I stay over at my mom's house, we share her bed. Although frankly, it would feel the same if we were in 2 twin beds - it's just nice to have a sleepover party with a girlfriend sometimes! My husband isn't the same to girl talk and gossip with.
Marlene Dietrich wrote about the joys of sleeping with peaceful, milky-smellling little children In these days of sad and terrible stories of abuse, some will look askance at any story of an adult sleeping in the same bed as a child. But I remember smelling my children's hair, and looking at their rounded childish faces, and thinking how quickly they grow up and how lucky I was to be able to share this space with them, and admire them without their saying "Why are you looking at me so much, Mommy?" as they tended to do when awake. A friend with adolescent daughters reported that they could tell when one had seen a scary movie, because she and her husband would hear a timid knock and a quavery voice asking "Can I sleep with you guys?" And I think about Betty MacDonald arriving late at her mother's house in Seattle and, finding all the beds occupied, saying to her mom "Move over, Sydney, I'm getting in" to which her sleepy mother responded "Who is it, please?"
A great lesson for all the other "highly opinionated" people! Sometimes you realize that some of your highly prized opinions are wrong. Kudos to the author for being able to admit this! Hopefully, she'll realize that many, maybe most, of her opinions are just that; opinions, not absolute facts, and keep that in mind when broadcasting them.
But you can broadcast your opinions about this author?
This is just plain weird! I would never have wanted to sleep in bed with my mom! Gross!
So far I haven't seen any comments about this aspect of the situation: how do the stepchildren feel about the fact that their dad is relegated to couch-sleeping? We are sending messages to the whole family by doing this, folks. If I were a teenage boy or girl and observed that my dad's new wife had put him on the couch, I'd think long and hard about their priorities, and about marriage as an institution. That said, this particular co-sleeping arrangement sounds much less driven by the parent's emotional need than some that I've heard of.
with dad leaving the house every weekday morning by 5:15 AM, i frequently would run right in to my parents bed to take liberty of snuggling with mom and if i didn't hustle, one of my siblings would already be in there. we'd sleep for another hour or 2 and then chit chat for a few minutes before starting the day. and when i am home visiting them, i still do this from time to time. thanks for reminding me of this precious time i have with my mom and will continue to cherish.
It is great to hear a parent 's desire to engage in a loving way with their child. Yet, there must be a better way to hold intimate and nurturing conversations with a nine year old outside of one's marriage bed. Second, how does the daughter establish this closeness with her father? How do the husband and wife encourage this? Perhaps a sleepover with Dad might suffice? I would agree with comments that if women truly seek to cooperate and share in child rearing so both parents can seek other pursuits, how does this arrangement meet that end? Are women really ready to give up the control and share influence? Most children's first interaction with the genders comes from parents. They form many convictions and beliefs about the "sexes." So, where is the father in all this? And what will this child take away as she grows up about how men and women do parenting, intimacy, and relationships?
What a lovely story. After my wife passed away, we had a ritual with my two sons that we would all sleep together in my bed on Friday nights. This felt very special to me while it lasted. Now that they are teenagers I'm lucky sometimes to get a grunt in my direction. This won't be forever, but I hope that the connection between you two lasts forever.
Interesting that there are comments that see the author's experiences as a stealth attack on men. I read it differently, that the daughter had to move out of her room to make room for the two teen step-brothers one night a week. In any case, for oddball sleeping arrangements and how families today aren't much different than in decades past, read Life Among the Savages by Shirley Jackson.
I love that book, and the chapter on how everyone changed beds during the night is a favorite! My favorite part is when Ms. Jackson picks up her cigarettes, lighter and ashtray, along with a glass of water, and moves it along with her from room to room. Must have your cigs in case you want a quick smoke in bed! Gotta love the 1940's...
Very sweet. I agree with previous comments - won't be long before she won't want to be near you. Enjoy this time together.
Very nice husband by the way.
Yet he has 55% x 80% = 44% chance they she will serve him with divorce papers. Why? 55% (first marriage divorce rate) and 80% of divorces filed by women, he can not be too sure that regardless how much he is providing (materially, emotionally, around the house and kids) he will ultimately avoid no-fault (i.e. no bona fide, evidence supported r
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