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The Standard Group Plc is a multi-media organization with investments in media platforms spanning newspaper print
operations, television, radio broadcasting, digital and online services. The Standard Group is recognized as a
leading multi-media house in Kenya with a key influence in matters of national and international interest.
Standard Group Plc HQ Office,
The Standard Group Center,Mombasa Road.
P.O Box 30080-00100,Nairobi, Kenya.
Telephone number: 0203222111, 0719012111
Email: corporate@standardmedia.co.ke
I am 32 and married with children but in serious trouble because I messed up with a young girl (18) from our estate and she is now pregnant. We became friends after I frequently gave her a lift to town then we had casual no-strings-attached sex on several occasions. She is now four months pregnant and she is asking me what she is going to tell her parents. I have tried to talk to her but she isn’t listening. I don’t love her and I can’t imagine losing my family because of this young and irresponsible girl. I think some neighbours are already suspecting something from the way they make funny statements at me and so it may just be a matter of time before this comes out. I don’t know what to do. Please advise.
Ochieng, are you calling her young and irresponsible now that she is pregnant for you? Accept that she is expectant and since she is not underage consider engaging all the concerned parties including her parents and your family. You knew you did not love her but still went ahead and slept with her. Choices have consequences. Face this problem head-on, tell your wife what you did and prepare to raise this chid.
This is a problem of your own making. I would not encourage you to ask anyone to terminate a pregnancy. People already know of the story so in case she procures abortion and she dies or something happens you shall be the first culprit. You better inform your wife and your parents of this pregnant lady and be ready to support her and her baby because it has happened after your prolonged relationship. But first wait for the birth of the child then you can do a DNA test to confirm paternity then if it turns out positive you can do what will be required of you.
How do you go terming her as irresponsible? It is interesting how you realise this only now after sleeping with her severally. A responsible man takes responsibility for his actions and that pregnancy is your responsibility. You should encourage and support her to keep that pregnancy and make sure the child is raised responsibly.
One of the best ways of dealing with adversity is to stay ahead of the information. Let your wife get the information from you before someone else gives her the 'abridged' version. Get her in her best moods, when it is the two of you, preferably, away from home. Be honest with her and together come up with how to deal with the scenario. Be very calm throughout the discussion. The girl is free to inform her parents. Finally, take the responsibility by law or laws of moral justice.
What really has woken you up from your secret doing? Is it because the girl is pregnant? Would you be feeling this repentant if she was not?
Well, this must be a time of deep regret for you and I guess you wish you could conceal all this drama. Keeping this a secret may not be possible, there is a child already involved, and it is not a solution. The best option now is for you to open up to your wife yourself before the rumour gets to her. Do not wait for her to seek an explanation from you.
When you volunteer to give the information, even your apology will sound real as opposed to waiting until she gets to know, then you appear as if you are seeking forgiveness because your private affair has been uncovered and not because you are remorseful.
We cannot tell how she will react but your conduct before now will determine the outcome. That is, if you have been good to her, she is likely to forgive you, but if your behaviour has been a pain to her, then things might be different. That is why you must be the one to disclose this matter to her.
In addition, the child’s welfare needs to be taken into consideration and this is something that the three of you need to agree on. All said and done, make an honest assessment of your relationship so that such incidents can be avoided in future. Sometimes couples slowly drift apart without their knowledge. It is only episodes like this that jerks them to reality. Therefore make every necessary changes that you may have to. Together you can turn and get this relationship back on course and thriving.
(Hilda Boke Mahare has a background in Counselling Psychology)
Ochieng, I more or less understand the situation you are in but I am not sure about what sort of ending you are anticipating through this. Picking from your words you say she is asking you about what to tell her parents but on the other hand you are talking to her and she is not listening? We shall get back to this later but it is somewhat a paradox.
Essentially, I have my fingers crossed that she is actually 18 as you say because anything lower than this can actually turn out to be disastrous for you. If he is indeed 18 the problems are still enormous but of a different nature. If my imagination serves me right, you are trying to get her to sort this matter once and for all through a termination. If this be the case then she is doing the right thing by not listening to you and it is actually very unfair of you to think of putting her life at risk all for your convenience. If she is pregnant with your child I encourage you to deal with the matter as is and not consider unreasonable shortcuts that only work well for you.
I am also surprised that you term her an irresponsible girl but do remember that you repeatedly had sexual relations with her so you are just as irresponsible if not more. This is something you will have to deal with for the rest of your life and with such matters the key is coming out clean on this. Yes, it will have repercussions on you and all the families that are involved in this. There is no other way to dealing with such matters. Come clean and take whatever responsibility that may come from this. You may not need to marry her but as far as the child is concerned, you ought to take your rightful share of responsibilities and support them. Yes, this will impact heavily on your family but since there is no other way to go about this you will have to bear the brunt. On their part, they will need to come to terms with this and learn to live with it. The alternative is to move from that neighbourhood and deal with this secretly for as long as it will be possible.
{Simon Anyona is a relationships counsellor}
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The Standard Group Plc is a multi-media organization with investments in media platforms spanning newspaper print
operations, television, radio broadcasting, digital and online services. The Standard Group is recognized as a
leading multi-media house in Kenya with a key influence in matters of national and international interest.
Standard Group Plc HQ Office,
The Standard Group Center,Mombasa Road.
P.O Box 30080-00100,Nairobi, Kenya.
Telephone number: 0203222111, 0719012111
Email: corporate@standardmedia.co.ke
More stories to check out before you go
I am a third year student in campus. I have some confessions to make. My mum and my step-dad have a daughter together. My mum loves him very much and she has always favoured my step-sister over me and this has made me develop a lot of anger towards her.
We are very close with dad and I always thought he often made passes at me but did not make much out of it. Recently, we were watching a movie and ended up getting intimate and now I can't get him off my mind. He also seems to have the same problem and I think he has fallen in love with me.
I love him but I know that this will only bring trouble if my mum was to find out so I am looking for a way to end this. This is becoming difficult because I like him and the fact that we see each other daily worsens the situation. Please advise...
Now that you have gone to bed with your mother’s husband, how do the two of you behave when she is around? Even if he is your step-dad, it is still weird and unimaginable. Yes it is less weird than if it was your actual father but it is just inappropriate. I cannot even begin to imagine what I would feel if I was in your position. End this now please!
I think you are looking for a sugar daddy to spoil you by giving you money and other things. However, be in the know that you are looking at the wrong man. Suppose it was you whose daughter was sleeping with your husband? How would you feel? What would you do to your daughter? That very answer is what your mother will do when she finds out about this. And that liking and favouritism she has for your sister will increase ten times when she finds out.
Imagine getting a child with someone you are calling a father? A man who has slept with your mother? Why do you want to break her heart? This man could be having other affairs outside and could infect you even with HIV. Sleeping with somebody you call your dad is a curse to you. If you got a child with him, what would that child call your mother? Stop thinking like a girl who has never stepped inside a school, you are a Third Year student in the university. Concentrate on your studies as this man is only wasting your time.
By law, he is and remains to be your father. Your story is a bit ambiguous because it is not the resentment to your sister but the intimate love you have with your dad. The African culture and tradition do not support this and history will judge you harshly. Someone who sees your mother naked should never do that to you and at the very age you are. This is incest and an abomination. There are many single unmarried men that can date you. He is not the only remaining man on earth. Stop this to be at peace with yourself and with others.
This is one of those things in life that are just unacceptable. It is probably the highest form of betrayal you have both exposed your mother to and without a doubt, you ought to find a way to deal with this. I believe this is why you have shared your issue with us so before I give you some pointers as to how you could deal with this, let's put your sit uation in the right context.
The first and very solid fact is that no "love" can exist and grow between a girl and her father. Real dad or step dad, that man is your mother's husband and as such you remain to be his daughter. Indeed he can like you and even love you very much but not with the kind of love that would allow you to get intimate with him. You are therefore not in love with him rather you are only infatuated. It is common for girls to be infatuated with their fathers but this only lasts a short while then they grow out of it. Make no mistake about this; there can never be any true love between a girl and her father. But of course there can be many other kinds of love, just not the kind you are implying. He did this out of lust and you participated in it out of ignorance. If anything, it is in order to say that he took advantage of his daughter.
You both need to find a way of dealing with this but you cannot do this if you don't accept that what you did was unacceptable. Often, confession is the best approach to closure. However, in your situation, this may not be the best. There is no way you can continue living under the same roof with those two. Yes, it is about time you moved out and let them be as you try and find your way around this life. Living in that house will only lead you back to the same situation and the consequences are unimaginable. Have you thought about what could happen if you conceived a child with him? Have you even remotely imagined what would happen if she got wind of this matter or if she caught you in the act?
Please know that nothing good can come out of this and this is one of those situations you really need to quit while you are ahead. Talk to them about getting you an apartment so they can enjoy their marriage as you find your way through life. Yes, she may favour your sister over you but this should not be an excuse to mess her marriage. That man is not straight and it seems he can even do this with his own daughter. Like you put it, it is difficult because you see him every day of your life. Get a way out of that house and with time all this will end.
Subscribe to our newsletter and stay updated on the latest developments and special offers!
The Standard Group Plc is a multi-media organization with investments in media platforms spanning newspaper print
operations, television, radio broadcasting, digital and online services. The Standard Group is recognized as a
leading multi-media house in Kenya with a key influence in matters of national and international interest.
Standard Group Plc HQ Office,
The Standard Group Center,Mombasa Road.
P.O Box 30080-00100,Nairobi, Kenya.
Telephone number: 0203222111, 0719012111
Email: corporate@standardmedia.co.ke
More stories to check out before you go
I am a third year student in campus. I have some confessions to make. My mum and my step-dad have a daughter together. My mum loves him very much and she has always favoured my step-sister over me and this has made me develop a lot of anger towards her.
We are very close with dad and I always thought he often made passes at me but did not make much out of it. Recently, we were watching a movie and ended up getting intimate and now I can't get him off my mind. He also seems to have the same problem and I think he has fallen in love with me.
I love him but I know that this will only bring trouble if my mum was to find out so I am looking for a way to end this. This is becoming difficult because I like him and the fact that we see each other daily worsens the situation. Please advise...
Now that you have gone to bed with your mother’s husband, how do the two of you behave when she is around? Even if he is your step-dad, it is still weird and unimaginable. Yes it is less weird than if it was your actual father but it is just inappropriate. I cannot even begin to imagine what I would feel if I was in your position. End this now please!
I think you are looking for a sugar daddy to spoil you by giving you money and other things. However, be in the know that you are looking at the wrong man. Suppose it was you whose daughter was sleeping with your husband? How would you feel? What would you do to your daughter? That very answer is what your mother will do when she finds out about this. And that liking and favouritism she has for your sister will increase ten times when she finds out.
Imagine getting a child with someone you are calling a father? A man who has slept with your mother? Why do you want to break her heart? This man could be having other affairs outside and could infect you even with HIV. Sleeping with somebody you call your dad is a curse to you. If you got a child with him, what would that child call your mother? Stop thinking like a girl who has never stepped inside a school, you are a Third Year student in the university. Concentrate on your studies as this man is only wasting your time.
By law, he is and remains to be your father. Your story is a bit ambiguous because it is not the resentment to your sister but the intimate love you have with your dad. The African culture and tradition do not support this and history will judge you harshly. Someone who sees your mother naked should never do that to you and at the very age you are. This is incest and an abomination. There are many single unmarried men that can date you. He is not the only remaining man on earth. Stop this to be at peace with yourself and with others.
This is one of those things in life that are just unacceptable. It is probably the highest form of betrayal you have both exposed your mother to and without a doubt, you ought to find a way to deal with this. I believe this is why you have shared your issue with us so before I give you some pointers as to how you could deal with this, let's put your sit uation in the right context.
The first and very solid fact is that no "love" can exist and grow between a girl and her father. Real dad or step dad, that man is your mother's husband and as such you remain to be his daughter. Indeed he can like you and even love you very much but not with the kind of love that would allow you to get intimate with him. You are therefore not in love with him rather you are only infatuated. It is common for girls to be infatuated with their fathers but this only lasts a short while then they grow out of it. Make no mistake about this; there can never be any true love between a girl and her father. But of course there can be many other kinds of love, just not the kind you are implying. He did this out of lust and you participated in it out of ignorance. If anything
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