Sit still...here with me.

I sat in a dark room waiting for him to enter. The room was eerily quite. Felt like there was no air and I couldn’t breath. I waited for him to walk in with an angry face, with accusation and hatred directed towards me.

I wanted to crawl into a ball. All of my shame and guilt sat with me but all I could do was stare stubbornly into the empty room. I wanted to blame him somehow, of how far down I have sank, but if I was being honest I got my self into this mess. After all, all he ever did was love me.

Then I heard a knock on the door. I can’t believe it, I thought he would storm in, rain thunder and lightning, watch me with anger, but here he was knocking. I guess his politeness never fades. I mastered up all the courage I had left over from all of my shame and told him he could come in. He opend the door slowly as if he was being careful not to scare me. All the stubbornness in body left the moment I saw his face. Where I expected anger and disappointment, came a calm I have never seen before. Tears blurred my vision but I was to stubborn to let them fall. He calmy walked towards me and sat next to me. I refused to look at him. Despite my shame I was too stubborn to admit defeat, to admit I was in pain.

After sitting in silence for a while he turned toward me and said “Hello”. The calm in his voice was what did me in, a tear finally escaped my eyes. But I still couldn't hamble my self enough. I turned angrily towards him. “all you can say is hello?” I asked. He just smiled and said “what were you expecting me to say?” I got up and started pacing the room “I don’t know. Maybe I was expecting you to say words along the lines of what a disappointment I was or how much you hated me”. He laughed “who taught you I would say that?” he asked. “well you did. You can’t tell me the God that created the world, and was once know for his wrath has gone soft”, I couldn’t believe the arrogance in my voice, I know I’m trying to sound all tough, but I think I was taking it too far even for me.

His voice still soft still calm “huh, maybe you are right I have gone soft”. I was baffled by his answer. I don’t know how to get words out of me anymore I know he was the one that had every right to be angry but the anger in me started boiling over. I think he is asleep to my sins and I wanted to shake him awake to see them. I turned to him so full of anger “how are you so calm?” I screamed. “why won’t you see me for who I am? Why aren’t you angry? Why aren't you decimating me? Why won’t you hate me?” with out me knowing I was on the floor sobbing, all of my built up courage was gone my anger was swallowed by sorrow. “I could never hate you”, he replied. “but….but you should…..I….I have been unfaithful to you, I’m a liar and a cheat. All I am is brokenness in human form.” I said as I broke down sobbing my eyes out, maybe he will finally see me for who I am.

He got up and walked over to me and kneeled in front of me meeting my eyes. But I couldn’t look at him I felt so guilty. “True, you lied to me, you left me but that can never mean I hate you”. He was frustrating “Then what would it take for you to hate me? Huh? Should I stab you then, kill you then,” he smiled “aa, but you already did that” he said showing me his hands. Right I…. we already did that. “Why are you still here then? What do you gain out of this? All I am is broken, all I am is a walking pain. What could you possibly want from me” my voice felt so small as my brokenness echoed around the room.

He held me and brought my head up to look at him “do you think I need for anything?” I shook my head no. “Do you think I am not abundant enough. I created the heavens and the earth. All I ever wanted from you was to love you”. “but how could you love me when everything in me is jaded. Anyone else will leave at the sight of the first offence. I have degraded your name, my faith keeps failing you. You should hate me.” I said sobbing into his arms. “but I love you.”,

“I’m so broken”

“I still love you”

“I am full of hate”

“I still love you”

“I’m unforgiving”

“I still love you”

“I’m full of ego”

“I still love you”

“I can’t humble my self”

“then let me help, cause I still love you”

“I keep going back to things you got me out of”

“then let me get you out again cause I still love you”

It’s like I collected every broken piece of me and brought it Infront of him, it was like shards of glass that broke into a million pieces, it looked so unrepairable in my eyes. “What do I do with all my broken pieces?" I asked. “You give them to me” he said and I gave it to him. It’s obvious it hurt his hands holding a broken glass. But right in front of my eyes he made it anew. I sobbed harder. “I’m sorry, I am so sorry. Forgive me please. Sometimes I just get so scared. I keep looking at myself. And when all I see is weakness I fall apart. I’m sorry I never meant to run so far. Do with me as you please”, he hugged me closer, muffling out my cries, “all I ever wished to do with you was love you” he said. I looked up at him. “I still feel broken” I said. “I know but sit still here with me, I will heal you, I will make you new just sit still with me”. And that’s what we did, we sat in silence. And for the first time the room didn’t feel so dark.

Thank you for reading to the end.

Peniel Alex.