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Dear Deidre MY fiancée walked in on me having sex with my sister. She’s now threatening to call the police.
I’m 25 and engaged to a beautiful girl. She is 26 and we met at work — we are both nurses.
My sister is 22. Our mum passed away five years ago and we’ve been extra close since then. Our dad works away during the week, while we both live at home.
My fiancée and I went to the cinema last month and when I got home my sister was crying in the front room in the dark.
She got laid off from her bank job a while ago and has taken it badly. I asked her what was wrong and she said: “I just feel so miserable. I’ve no job, no boyfriend and feel worthless.”
I cuddled her and said she was beautiful. I cupped her face in my hands and kissed her. It was supposed to be a peck but she kissed me back and my stomach turned somersaults.
As our hearts pounded, she said she felt something for me. We had sex in my bed. It felt so right. We made love a few times over the next few weeks.
Then last night we were in bed when the front door slammed. I raced to get my boxer shorts but the door swung open and my fiancée walked in glaring.
My sister burst into tears. My fiancée walked out and drove off but texted me saying: “You’re sick. I’m going to report you to the police.” I’m worried sick.
DEIDRE SAYS: You and your sister lost your mum when you were young and vulnerable, and your dad is only around at weekends. So it has allowed you and your sister to become too close, in the wrong sort of way.
Having sex with your sister is incestuous and illegal, but I hope your fiancée feels that reporting you to the police could bring down a lot of misery on everyone but help no one.
Tell your sister that you two must get back to a normal brother/sister relationship.
If she is depressed, tell your dad she needs more support. Start by talking it over with GetConnected, which helps under-25s with any problem (getconnected.org.uk, 0808 808 4994). Talk to your fiancée again once she has had a chance to calm down.
If you still love one another it may be possible to move on from this – though that could well involve your moving out from home.
Dear Deidre I DON’T trust my boyfriend, though he doesn’t deserve it and can’t understand it. Should I tell him about my dad’s affair?
I’m 20 and my dad got a new company phone a year ago. Mum and I were transferring his data and there were photos of a naked woman and what appeared to be Dad’s legs.
Mum confronted Dad and he said his phone had belonged to somebody else in the office before him. I didn’t believe it and Mum later told me that he had an affair when I was little.
Now I don’t trust anyone. I constantly check up on where my boyfriend is.
We’ve been together for six months. He looks confused when I quiz him, as he’d do anything for me. He’s cancelled lads’ nights out to be with me.
I’m worried how he’d act to my dad if I spilled the beans.
DEIDRE SAYS: If you stay together I think you will end up sharing such an important part of your history, but now focus on separating your relationship from your parents’.
Your boyfriend loves you but making unreasonable demands based on insecurity will eat into your relationship.
My e-leaflet Coping With Jealousy will help you handle your feelings but for starters ask your boyfriend for a loving hug rather than demanding he miss seeing his mates.
Dear Deidre I’M addicted to masturbation and I’m not in control of my life any more.
I’m 22 and good-looking but haven’t had a girlfriend for two years. I cannot even meet friends on time because of the hours I spend trawling Facebook for any glimpse of flesh – which always leads to porn and masturbation. What can I do?
DEIDRE SAYS: You’ve taken the first step admitting there’s a problem.
You’re not alone. More people are trawling the net this way. It’s so tempting but won’t make you happy long-term.
You can find a free programme of self-help recovery at sexaddictionhelp.co.uk and I’m sending you my e-leaflet Hooked On Masturbation?
Dear Deidre I’M married with a lovely daughter but I feel lonely and unloved as my wife and I haven’t had sex since she got pregnant.
Our daughter is 18 months old and it’s as if my wife has got all she wants now – a child.
She used to be loving, though she had issues from her past. I’ve talked to her about sex and she says: “I will get there.” But she had a traumatic labour and I know she’s afraid it will hurt her.
I’ve told her we can just take things slowly. I just want to have a physical relationship – and I want to be loved, I guess.
DEIDRE SAYS: Giving birth can be a major trauma. Encourage your wife to see her GP for a check-up. She can ask for a referral to a gynaecologist if need be. She should be healing by now, though sheer fear of sex being painful can make you tense.
If everything is as it should be, ask her to agree to sharing a loving massage a couple of times a week, with the promise you won’t expect intercourse until she’s ready.
I’m sending e-leaflets Solving Sex Problems After A Baby and Massage For Couples.
Dear Deidre MY husband has bought me a car, decorated our house and taken me on a cruise – all because he had an affair.
He’s 42 and I’m 39. We have no children but we’ve been together for 20 years. I had no clue that he was having an affair until I got a call from his mistress.
He ended it immediately but I was so hurt. And now he says the guilt is eating him up inside.
I get days where I go into a panic thinking he’s cheating again – even though
I know he isn’t as he’s so much more relaxed these days and he even leaves his mobile lying around.
My friends say it’s all guilt money – but is it?
DEIDRE SAYS: Yes, probably, but does it really matter? He’s dealing with his guilt in the best way he knows – but he has to work on rebuilding the trust too.
All the cars and cruises won’t make up for the emotional hurt but try to remember why you fell in love in the first place.
If you have moments thinking of your husband with this woman try to think up a very happy memory you shared with him.
He’s back with you now and that is what matters.
Dear Deidre MY girlfriend is a fiery redhead and if she isn’t fighting with someone at work then it is with her dad or me.
I’m 26. She is 29 and a spoilt brat, if I’m honest.
She yelled at me once because she thought I’d overcooked her pizza.
She lives with her parents and they run around after her.
I had an interview last week and asked her for a lift into town as she had the day off. She went nuts at me but it wasn’t unreasonable to ask.
I know I should man up and tell her where to go.
I was adopted so I’m used to rejection but I’m terrified of being alone and I love her to bits.
DEIDRE SAYS: Sometimes we seek out relationships which reproduce familiar feelings.
You’ve found yourself a girlfriend who makes you feel rejected again and again – even over trivialities.
This is a miserable pattern. Please get some help to work through your feelings from After Adoption (afteradoption.org.uk,
0800 056 8578). Then you will feel stronger and so better able to stand up to your girlfriend Her parents may indulge her but you deserve her to behave more considerately – which she may do once she realises it’s that or lose
you.
Dear Deidre MY boyfriend and I are supposed to be moving in together this month but he has still not told his mum.
We are 24, met at university and house-shared for two years. Now we both live back home, 200 miles apart.
His dad died three years ago and his mum is very dependent on him. We tried to move in together once before but she said he’d not given her enough notice.
So it didn’t happen.
I know he will obey her if she says no. He’s my soul-mate but I am worried we won’t last because of her.
DEIDRE SAYS: Be wary of putting him under so much pressure that he end up feeling torn between you and his mum.
It’s doubtful his mum will ever reach the stage of happily letting go, so he must decide how long he’s going to allow this situation to continue.
If just walking out is too hard, he needs to make planned steps so she knows he is serious and is prepared when he finally leaves.
Helping her get a good social life of her own would be a good start. And of course say that she will be welcome to visit you regularly – not your ideal,
I realise, but only fair.
SOME of us quickly fly off the handle, some rarely lose their temper. But when they do, the red mist descends and anything can happen. Anger is damaging to relationships and it gets in the way of good parenting. My e-leaflet on
Anger Management can help you safeguard relationships and those close to you. Email problems@deardeidre.org.
EVERY problem gets a free personal reply.
You can follow my life and sex tips on Twitter @deardeidre
PEST & TRACE Contact tracer sent me flirty text after checking that I was self-isolating
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Karen was baffled after she tried to have sex with several boyfriends who all told her the same thing – that it was ‘like hitting a brick wall’
IMAGINE a world where sex didn’t bring you pleasure, it brought you pain.
That was the reality for Karen Buono who was a “virgin” until she was 32 because she suffered with an agonising condition made doing the deed impossible.
The now 35-year-old spent most of her life suffering from a painful condition called vaginismus, which causes the muscles of the vaginal wall to involuntarily constrict upon penetration.
Not only was Karen unable to have sex, she also couldn’t use tampons or go for a smear test without unbearable pain.
The school teacher from Wesley Chapel in Florida, USA, was baffled after she tried to have sex with several boyfriends who all told her the same thing – that it was ‘like hitting a brick wall’ when they attempted intercourse.
And after several failed attempts Karen said she gave up trying to have sex.
It wasn’t until she was 31 that she was officially diagnosed with vaginismus - after years of thinking it was all in her head.
And after discovering a doctor who specialised in treating the condition, Karen was completely cured after just four months of intense physical therapy and was finally able to have sex with her “very patient” husband Joe Johnson, when she was 32.
The teacher said: “I knew something was wrong with me after I tried to have sex with my boyfriend for the first time when I was 16.
“I had never even tried to used tampons before that, so this was the first attempt at penetration.
“But no matter what we did, he just couldn’t get it in. It was so awkward.
“I thought it might have just been because it was our first time. So we waited a bit and tried again.
“But we couldn’t do it. He said it was like hitting a brick wall and there was just no way he could get it in.
“So we just gave up. But then the same thing happened with other boyfriends when I was in my twenties.”
Karen turned to alcohol to try and relax her muscles – admitting she used to get really drunk before attempting to have sex.
“I desperately wanted to have sex. I was dying for it, but I couldn’t,” she recalled.
“So I just told every partner I had that I wanted to wait for marriage, but that wasn’t true at all.
“When I was 25, I’d had enough. I paid $4,000 (£3,000) for my doctor to put me under anaesthesia to see what was wrong with me.
“But they said everything was fine. I was dumbfounded.
“So I just thought it must be all my fault. That it was all inside my head.”
One doctor told Karen about vaginismus but she claims she was told there was no cure.
Desperate, she looked for more information online and bought a set of dilators to slowly help her muscles relax upon penetration.
But without any direction or proper knowledge on how to use the dilators, Karen struggled to use them properly.
It wasn’t until she saw a pelvic floor expert Dr Lynn Deang when she was 31 that she was finally diagnosed.
“After just four months of therapy with her, I was cured. I could finally have sex for the first at 32 years old,” she said.
A PAINFUL CONDITION THAT CAN RUIN YOUR SEX LIFE
Vaginismus is the term used to describe recurrent or persistent involuntary tightening of muscles around the vagina whenever penetration is attempted.
It can disrupt or completely stop your sex life, and can lead to distress, a loss of confidence and relationship problems. It may even prevent you starting a family.
The condition can also make gynaecological and pelvic examinations difficult or impossible.
The symptoms can vary from one woman to the next.
Some women are unable to insert anything into their vagina because it closes up completely, while others can insert a tampon but are unable to have penetrative sex, and other women are able to have sex but find it very painful.
Many factors can play a part in the development of vaginismus, although it’s not fully understood why the condition happens.
Factors can include: thinking the vagina is too small, relationship problems and fear of pregnancy.
“It was one of the best days of my life. I was so happy to finally lose my virginity and have sex with the man I love.
“I honestly didn’t think the doctor would be able to help me, but I had nothing to lose so I thought I’d give it a go.
“She promised me I’d be able have sex in four months. I was thrilled. I’d waited my whole life, so four months was nothing.
“For the first two months, I saw her twice a week. She didn’t even get near my vagina at first, it was all just breathing techniques and relaxation exercises.
“Then she would try to insert a cotton bud. It was hard at first, but then it finally went in.
“She would just let that sit in there for about 20 minutes.”
Over time they began work with dilators and Karen used them every night at home on her own.
“And then one night my husband and I were making out on the couch. I looked at him and said ‘do you want to try?’,” she recalled.
“It worked. I finally had sex. I couldn’t believe it. I rang my doctor straight afterwards to tell her what had happened.
“I felt so proud. I felt like I’d just won a race of something that I’d been training for.
“Over time, we did it more and more. It took about a year for u
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