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Countering "going to do it anyway."

I recently completed a graduate course in character education in which we were required to carry out an "action project." For my project I chose to use character-based sex education to try to instill in my younger sister and her friend the self-respect, self-control, and courage needed to lead moral, fulfilling, and healthy lives.
I wanted to inform my 14-year-old sister Kathy about something that I unfortunately just began to take seriously: abstinence. Sure, I have always known what the word meant, but I had never considered it an option for me, until recently. I felt that it was my responsibility to pass the philosophy of abstinence on to my sister because I know that she will not get it in the "going to do it anyway" program that is used at her high school. Also, she is a virgin (her friend is, too), so I wanted to show her how important it is to hold onto that purity.
I started these discussions when I accidentally overheard my sister Kathy, and her friend, Michelle, talking about a "slut" that one of their friends was dating. I asked them why they considered her a slut, and Michelle responded: "She has slept with at least eight guys already, and she is easy." I asked them to think about why this girl is so promiscuous. Kathy said, "She's trying to keep a boyfriend." They assumed that having sex was a way of holding onto a boyfriend and showing love for one another. They also assumed that condoms would protect them from disease and pregnancy and that having sex had no implications for their future adult lives. My goal was to dispel all these myths.
We first tackled the issue of sex as "showing love" or "keeping a boyfriend." I used the girl they were talking about as an example of how boyfriends come and go whether girls have intercourse with them or not. We also talked about girls' feelings when they are rejected after giving part of themselves to another person. I then told them about my having pre-marital sex, and how I wished these relationships had never occurred and that the only true way to find out if a guy loves you is to make him wait until marriage.

We talked about the self-respect and courage involved in leading sexually abstinent lives until marriage. These two young girls developed a new awareness of how truly loving relationships and commitments develop and are sustained. Their awareness was evident in their response to my disclosing that I recently told my boyfriend that I wanted to abstain from sex from now on and he said he could not do this. I asked Kathy and Michelle if they thought the relationship was worth continuing, and they both said, "No, he does not love you if he won't wait for you." I was proud of their answer.
I gave real-life examples of teens who became pregnant or who contracted STDs even with the use of condoms; one of those persons was a close friend of mine.
I also wanted to make these girls aware of the physical dangers of pre-marital sex. I gave real-life examples of teens who became pregnant or who contracted STDs even with the use of condoms; one of those persons was a close friend of mine. They were shocked to find out that this friend contracted herpes from sexual intercourse while using a condom. We considered the possible implications of such diseases: the inability to conceive a baby, passing on a sexual disease to your spouse, and transmitting a disease to your baby in the womb or during delivery.
Besides being more confident in their virginity, Kathy and Michelle have now set the personal goal of saving sex for marriage. They also no longer pick apart boys or girls who are sexually active by calling them "sluts" or "pimps" but instead focus on the deeper consequences of such behaviors and on what promiscuous girls and boys must be lacking in their lives.
My sister and Michelle have recently asked two of their friends to join us in our discussions. I've also shared my project with the parents of these girls. These parents are beginning to realize that abstinence-based sex education is more beneficial than the model now used at their daughters' high school.
A pdf version of this article is available here .
Jessica Burberry. "Teaching my younger sister about sex and love." excellence & ethics (Summer, 1998).
Reprinted with permission. Excellence & Ethics , published by the Center for the 4th and 5th Rs , is the education letter of the Smart & Good Schools Project. It features essays, research, and K-12 best practices that help school leaders, teachers, students, parents, and community members do their best work (performance character) and do the right thing (moral character).
excellence & ethics is published twice a year and may be subscribed to, without cost, here .
Jessica Burberry (a pseudonym) is a first-year elementary school teacher and a graduate student in education at SUNY Cortland.
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'I can't accept it': A mum has revealed her heartbreak and disgust after making the shocking discovery.
Amy Sinclair / Lifestyle / Updated 18.10.2020
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Warning: Content in this story may distress some readers
A mum has revealed her heartbreak after discovering that two of her children are in a relationship together.
The mother said she was shocked to learn her son and step-daughter - who’ve been living together as a family since they were toddlers - had formed a romantic bond.
For more Lifestyle related news and videos check out Lifestyle >>
Sharing on Reddit, she said she refuses to accept their relationship and says it makes her “sick and angry”.
“When my son Nathan was two, he met a friend in his daycare class, who we’ll call Abby,” she said.
“Her dad, Jack, was one of the only other single parents there, as his wife had left after Abby was born.
“Jack and I bonded over our children and ended up dating for a year and a half before getting married, and we had our daughter Eliza less than a year later.
“Jack and I always raised all three of our children the same, and though they knew that Nathan had a different dad and Abby had a different mum, we had never thought to question if they saw each other as siblings.”
The mum went on to say that her life was tipped upside down last week when Nathan and Abby admitted they’d been in a romantic relationship for the past few years.
“She said that it happened after they were both adults, that they had gone to relationship counselling when it first started and that they were seriously thinking about marriage,” she said.
“Nathan then told us that they had admitted to having feelings for each other as teenagers, but had never acted on it because they were afraid of ruining their friendship, hurting each other, and most of all what we would think.
“At this point, Jack looked at me, grabbed my hand and hugged our children.
“He told them that he was sorry for us keeping them apart and that he ‘could tell how happy they are together’.
Since Nathan and Abby confessed their love, the mum said she’s struggled to cope.
“I haven’t responded to any of their messages or calls, and pretended I wasn’t home when they tried to visit during the day,” she said.
“I’ve been fighting with Jack since this happened, even so far as telling him ... they would never have my blessing, and I would put them both in therapy for having incestuous desires.
“This really upset him, and the fighting got so bad that I had him sleep in the guest house.
“I’ve never gone this long without talking to my children. I’ve never fought my husband. He’s even threatened me with divorce.
“I have no idea how to navigate this, and every time I think about it their whole relationship just makes me sick and angry.”
Many Reddit users sympathised with the mum’s reaction.
“Nathan and Abby were raised as siblings since they were toddlers and share a sibling not much younger than them,” said one.
“This isn’t a case of you and Jack meeting when your children were all grown, or possibly a much younger sibling they didn’t see much or even living in different houses throughout their childhoods.
“They were raised as brother and sister, and while they don’t share blood, they do have a sister together.
“I think your reaction is completely normal and justified.”
Added another: “It doesn’t matter if they technically don’t share blood.
“They were raised together as siblings since they were three years old, which is about as far back as any of us can remember. This is messed up.”
But others believed there was nothing wrong with the siblings dating, given they’re not related by blood.
“They are adults and it sounds like they took the correct steps before starting a relationship,” said another.
“Perhaps, you should consider therapy to work through your issues with their relationship.
“After all, they aren’t biologically related so this isn’t incest.
“You can’t force them to feel like siblings just because they grew up together.”
By Chloe Cawood / Pregnancy & Births
By Chloe Cawood / Pregnancy & Births

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