Sissy Son
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Sissy Son
My 10-year-old son enjoys wearing girls’ underwear
‘I also want you to look at this from your son’s point of view.’ Illustration: Lo Cole/The Guardian
My parents say I’m ugly and wish they’d never had me
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Despite your protestations of ‘it’s OK’ I do think you are worried about it, says Annalisa Barbieri
Our 10-year-old son enjoys wearing girls’ underwear . We have embraced his desire and bought or made G-strings and bra tops. We’ve taught him to keep this private, explaining that other people may not understand, while ensuring we communicate it’s OK with us. “Everyone is different and everyone is special,” is the message we try to convey. He tells us he enjoys it because it makes him feel good.
Initially, he tried making G-strings by cutting up his underpants. This is when we realised he needed help with making and buying the underwear he wanted. After this, when the scissors kept going missing and we found a new pair of (boys’) underpants chopped up, we were annoyed and he got upset. He said he didn’t like himself and couldn’t understand why he was doing it. We calmed him and reassured him that we loved him , but said we were cross with him for cutting up new underwear.
This was when he said he had been trying to make a bra and he’d done a pretty good job . I took him shopping so he could make a selection and my husband took him to buy fabric to make his own items . W e put these, with his own pair of scissors, in a box in his room. He was happy and we thought the problem was solved. Recently, the scissors disappeared again and my husband said he’d found a onesie that had been cut up.
I’d welcome advice on how to raise a cross-dressing child, and how to approach this latest occurrence of cutting his own clothes.
The first thing I’d like you to do is concentrate on what it is you are worried about because, despite your protestations of it being OK, I do think you are worried, and by not voicing it you can’t address it. (“I thought the problem was solved,” was a telling phrase.)
I also want you to look at this from your son’s point of view. You are giving conflicting messages: you tell him it’s not OK to cut up his clothes, but give special scissors to cut things up with; you say he needs to keep this private, but go out in public to buy things to enable him to do this. He may simply have taken the house scissors because they do a better job.
Let’s forget the underwear and scissors for the moment, as they are potentially emotive symbols, and concentrate on your son. Who is he? What is his life like? Is he happy at school, is the household relatively calm and happy?
I consulted child and adolescent psychotherapist Charlie Beaumont . He felt you were trying to do the right things but in so doing “undermining your own authority”. It’s perfectly OK, he said, to be angry at children for cutting up their clothes.
“You’ve also assumed,” Beaumont said, “that when he cut up the underwear he wanted to cross-dress. Did he ask to go shopping for fabric and a bra? Maybe he wants to cut up [adapt] his own things? What happens when you say no to him?”
It felt a little bit as if you’ve decided your son is a cross-dresser and, in an attempt to be accepting, have rather run with it. When I do something for my children I always ask myself, “Whose agenda is this, mine or theirs?”
It’s great you’re so laid-back about it, but as you correctly say there have to be boundaries. For example, your son couldn’t go to school wearing a G-string because, as Beaumont said, “it would make him vulnerable”.
Many years ago, I interviewed various cross-dressing adult (heterosexual) men, and all said it helped them relax and cope in times of stress. This may be what’s happening here. Your son has said it makes him feel good. (You didn’t say how long it’s been going on for – is it a recent thing?)
How do you raise a cross-dressing child? Just how you would raise any child. You listen, love, support; you help him discover who he is, what he likes, help him understand about appropriate behaviour – so it’s OK to cut up X but not Y; to wear this here but not there etc. And if he still cuts up the wrong things, you need to look at what he’s trying to communicate to you.
Look at and respond to your son, not what he wears.
Every week Annalisa Barbieri addresses a family-related problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Annalisa on a family matter, please send your problem to ask.annalisa@theguardian.com . Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions: see gu.com/letters-terms .
Comments on this piece are premoderated to ensure the discussion remains on the topics raised by the article. Please be aware that there may be a short delay in comments appearing on the site.
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Savage Love
Mar 11, 2019 at 1:30 pm
Her Son Wants Just One Thing For His Birthday...
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Quick back story: When my son was ten some kids on the bus told him that a French kiss was when you transfer chewed food from your mouth to another's. Gross! After correcting this misinformation I decided it was time to educate him myself. A friend recommended “ It’s Perfectly Normal: Changing Bodies, Growing Up, Sex and Sexual Health .” It was the right book and the right time, and my son and I can communicate opening and easily about anything. But wasn’t expecting him ask for a sex toy for his birthday—specifically, he asked I would purchase him a “ Fleshlight ” for his 16th birthday. WOW! I told him that seemed pretty varsity/advanced for him and should get some some mileage using his hand and maybe have partnered sex before thinking about toys.
I have no idea what it's like to be a teenage boy and I'm glad (if slightly horrified) that he feels comfortable talking to me. But I worry that if he were to use a Fleshlight before having partnered sex it could negatively impact his experience. But I keep thinking about your male callers who used the " death grip " growing up and then wound up having problems getting off with a partner later in life. I purchased him “ Drawn To Sex: The Basics ” by Erika Moen and Matthew Nolan, which feels like a more appropriate sex positive gift.
Would you purchase a vibrator for a daughter? — Dan
Good question! I have a 13-year-old daughter. And, yes, I would get her a vibrator if she asked, while warning her that too much can lead to desensitization. — SPM
If you would get your daughter an insertion toy—one that vibrates, something flesh-and-blood dicks can't do—why would you hesitate to get your son an insertion toy? Yes, boys have hands (so do girls) and boys can make fists. And boys, unlike girls , usually don't need to be encouraged to masturbate. But if you want your son to arrive at partnered sex without a bad case of death grip syndrome, a Fleshlight is a safer option than a fist. It's awkward, of course, to think about your kid pumping away at an appliance in the next room—and, hey, here's hoping he doesn't leave it in the sink after cleaning it. But I'm often surprised to hear from sex-positive, progressive parents who would purchase vibrators for their daughters—or in some cases already have purchased vibrators for their daughters—but who are squicked out by the thought of providing their sons with insertion toys that work for/with/on dicks. ( Not all vibrators are insertion toys , of course, but many are and many are used that way.) — Dan
When you put it that context I understand! — SPM
Oh, and about that "too much" vibrator use "can lead to desensitization" thing... you should pop over to Bustle and read this myth-busting piece . — Dan
Impeach the motherfucker already! Get your ITMFA buttons, t-shirts, hats and lapel pins and coffee mugs at www.ITMFA.org !
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