Single Mom Dating Divorced Dad

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Single Parent Dating is different. If you are looking for dating and relationship advice; SingleDad is your resource for the divorced dad dating. This month, our member talks about “The Perfect One” that got away…
Hi, my
name is Jim and I just turned 40 this January. I am a single dad with full
custody of my two sons who are 14 and 8. I lived with their mom for 4
years and then we were married for nearly 12, (the last 2 of which we were
separated). I have been the sole caretaker of the boys for about 4 years now.
They see their mom every other Saturday and I get them back Sunday at 10:30 am
for church. So between that and my full time job of 50+ hours a week I have
very little free time for dating and haven’t had great luck with the Internet.
So now you know my basics. Here
is my dilemma…
In my
experience, most divorced women with children and primary custody don’t want to
date a Dad like me in the same situation, (No science behind that statement
just my experiences). I thought it would make me appear more stable and caring
but they seem to only see more baggage. I have almost zero drama with my
ex-wife and I make all of the decisions about the boys so she is not baggage
only the kids.
After a
long stretch of going on first dates and a few second dates I just hadn’t found
anyone I wanted to have a third date with. I am very picky but I feel I have a responsibility
to my boys and me. Last August a friend introduced me to her sister. She is a 32-year-old
single mom of an awesome 2-year-old little boy. His father is basically absent
and sees him every few months. She is a nurse at the local hospital and has
been there for 12 years. Owns her own home and drives a nice car. She is very
independent; almost to a fault. So 30 minutes into our first date I found
myself looking forward to our 4th and fifth dates. Yeah I was hooked. Big.
Things had been going good and we were making plans for a vacation with the 3
kids and us. Her little guy was starting to call me daddy some and my kids
absolutely adore her. She was the first woman I have dated that ever even met
my kids and she was so great with them. She would help with their homework
while I made dinner. I accepted her little guy as if he was one of mine.
We celebrated her birthday, Christmas, MY best New Year’s in a long time.
It was the best birthday I had experienced in a long time and very good
Valentine’s Day as well.
A few
weeks ago she was acting odd and finally told me that after all we have done
she is not in love and not ready for a long-term relationship. I felt like a
truck had just run over me. I was only a few months away from asking her to
marry me. I was/am completely in love with this woman and she walked out of my
life with no more remorse than if she had swatted a fly. Her mother thinks I am
the best guy in the world and actually told me I’m the only boyfriend she’s
ever liked. She tells me to hang in there. Give her some space and time and
hopefully she will realize what she is giving up. Now I’m a hopeless romantic
and have seen all the chick flicks where years go by before the other person
realizes where they were meant to be. Does that only happen in movies? What is
a realistic amount of time? All my friends tell me to start dating right away
but the idea of being with anyone but her does not appeal to me. She was in no
way perfect,(nor am I ) but we were great together and I know we would make an
awesome family.
The way
I feel right now is completely stressed out and missing her like crazy. I have
respected her requests and given her space and not been the stalker guy begging
her to come back. Last week I did ask her to see a movie with me., (just a
movie)… No dinner or drinks just meet at the theatre and then we each go home
alone. She declined. I’m lost and don’t know what I should do at this point.

I thought a lot about you this weekend and kept drawing back to my own
experiences of Dating as a Divorced Dad during my first "official
24-months". Let me tell you, those first 24- months are the hardest. Why
are they the hardest? Well, because Divorced Dads like us naturally gravitate
towards the things that are "familiar" to our surroundings. Now, I am not saying that this girl is
like the other women in your life; but what I am saying that there were a
combination of things that caused this sense of love, security, and hope in
your heart for her. This feeling wasn’t
fake Jim; it was real. It happens to all of us.
There is an
interesting statistic that I want you to hear from me:
"Men during the
first 14 months of their divorce have are 80% more likely to re-marry, move in,
or go into a committed relationships, than newly divorced women of the same
age"
Why? I don’t know,
but it is important to share this because it has happened to me. I can
personally attest that I thought I had the "right one" two or three
times during the first 24-months of my divorce. These were truly great women.
All had different attributes that I was drawn to; but in the end, somehow and
someway, they all left for various reasons. I can look back now and truly
appreciate all of them for breaking my heart. I loved all of those women and in
some strange way, I knew they loved me too. It just wasn’t the right time for
me.
Let me tell you what you need to take away from this experience you had
with Alyson. This relationship taught you one thing and one thing only:
Sometimes the "Big Guy Upstairs" just gives you the message in a
different way, and in this case, you had to feel the heart ache of love to
discover that you can love again. This woman was put into your life for you to
discover that you can feel the power of love again in your heart.
Your biggest challenge is to surrender the hope of this recent
heartache and move forward. This won’t be easy and you will have many
challenges and temptations ahead of you; but you must be brave and have the
courage to move on in your life. Do everything you can to stay busy and focused
elsewhere without reaching out to her. Work on your Body, Mind and Soul and
focus elsewhere. Get back in touch with old friends and work on making new ones
here on SingleDad.
Your Kids need you and the future needs you to be ready for the next
love that is out there waiting to happen. Soon you look back at this time in
your life and realize that this moment was just a "dress rehearsal"
for the real love that is waiting to happen out there for you.
Richard “RJ” Jaramillo, is the Founder of SingleDad.com,
a website and social media resource dedicated to single parenting and specifically for the newly divorced, re-married, widowed and single Father with children.
RJ is self employed, entrepreneur living in San Diego and a father of three children. The mission of SingleDad is to help the community of Single Parents
“Make Life Happen…Again!”
Richard “RJ” Jaramillo, is the Founder of SingleDad.com, a website and social media resource dedicated to single parenting and specifically for the newly divorced, re-married, widowed and single Father with children. RJ is self employed, entrepreneur living in San Diego and a father of three children. The mission of SingleDad is to help the community of Single Parents “Make Life Happen…Again!”

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Divorce is not something you think of when you go into a relationship. If that were the case, no one would ever get married. I was young and dumb, to say the least, got married at 22, had a baby at 25. Fast forward ten years and my now ex-husband packed up half our house and moved 1,000 plus miles away. I was broken, angry, and downright grieving my marriage that once had so much promise. I felt the worst for my son. He was only 6 when his dad left so we were on our own to figure out the world, just us.
It took me about 2 years before I was able to bring myself to even think of a man as something other than an awful specimen or to get over the mentality that every man I talked to wasn’t a narcissist. I know all men are not like my ex. I know there are good guys in the world, but I was not in the right mental state to even think that way. I finally went on a few “dates” which were okay but would always turn to the end of the night, which in turn meant, your place or mine.
While trying to navigate the remaining men still available, I had a child at home. Does it make me selfish to want to go out and try to meet someone? IT ABSOLUTELY DOES I would always tell myself. Mom guilt is HARD and REAL. I realized that in order for me to be happy, I needed to be happy with myself. So, I pushed the mom guilt aside, went through a bit of an enlightening period, which then led me to a man that changed my mindset.
Boy was I blind-sighted by this one. My girlfriends and I try to get together once a year at a halfway point between New Orleans and Houston (where they live and where I lived the majority of my marriage). We decided to stay at L’Auberge in Lake Charles. We went out, gambled, drank, and danced our little hearts out. While there, I happened to be on a dating app, because why not, and landed on this super cute, blue-eyed babe! We met up the day I was leaving to head back home and just kept talking. Here we are, 2 plus years later, navigating a long-distance relationship. Is it hard? TOTALLY! Is it worth it? ABSOLUTELY!
My son has a great relationship with him and he is great with my son. While trying to explain to an eleven-year-old why he is so far away is a challenge, it is our challenge and we take it day by day.
Jeanne is a single mom to a wonderful son who loves nothing more than her family, friends, and her Saints. Born and raised in New Orleans, she enjoys everything this city has to offer. In her spare time you can catch her napping or binge watching movies on her couch. On Sunday's in the fall, she is in the Superdome and goes into a state of depression when football season is over.
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