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So as you can see, since I became the CEO,
Our retention, so sticky, it's pornographic.
and we're more mission-focused than ever
Wow. Well, this seems really promising, gentlemen.
You're a young associate here, so I'm gonna help you out, okay?
We have a lot of these meetings set up.
you don't wanna be known around here
as the guy who fucked this up, okay?
So when you hip your bosses to our numbers
and they get visible hard-ons, have them move quickly.
It's a syntactical error that I could've remedied
if you had just given me the space to speak.
Erlich, seeing you Thursday, right?
For Jian-Yang's pitch. His new idea sounds super exciting.
Yes, well, he is... white hot right now.
And that's why I had him reach out directly,
and we can't wait to pitch you the idea
You have no idea what it is, do you? Not a fucking clue.
Always blue! Always blue! Always blue!
Always blue! Always blue! Always blue!
What's going on? You... celebrating something?
I mean, I did get us a... few offers.
"We" did receive more than a few offers,
Huh. Which... I mean, what does that even mean?
Really. It was my choice to leave the company,
and besides, my Internet thing is going great.
So I want you to succeed, and I want you guys to be happy.
It's cool. I mean that, totally honestly.
I should go Skype my dad, I think, and tell him the good news.
Um, it is good news, though, right?
'Cause we were all sort of like happy and celebrating,
but now... now it feels sort of weird and... Just go, Big Head.
- Always blue. Always blue. - Sorry. Sorry.
Dinesh, I think you accidentally disabled my access keys
for the video chat data repository.
No, actually, I deleted them on purpose.
Gleb? What, you're comparing me to Gleb?
When we agreed to split the company, we said that
you could take the algorithm for your video chat,
and I could use the data flowing through the system
to optimize the algorithm for my thing.
We had a deal. We had an agreement,
Play! Play! Blue, blue! Always blue! Always blue!
Have fun, you're having a party. You got pizza and everything.
Always blue. So, what? I should've got it in writing, Dinesh? Is that it?
You wanna lawyer up now? You know, we're just some guys in a house.
But I don't wanna be just guys in a house, Richard.
That's the whole point. I want PiperChat to be a real company.
And after all the bullshit we went through, no offense,
I finally got some real financing lined up for us.
I cannot have another Intersite on my hands.
That was fucking Russ and his shitty tequila.
You know that, man? You were there. That wasn't me.
Richard, it happened on your watch.
Where'd you get it? Does it matter?
I just want to know where I can get one,
so I can look like a total fucking douchebag.
if Jack Barker came to see you. I'm sorry.
I thought Barker would crack after one day in that basement.
The fact that it's taken him two weeks to fess up
about hijacking my fucking plane and resign
Sorry to barge in. I owe you an apology.
When you stuck me in that basement,
I was like, "Jack, what the hell did you do wrong?"
And I'm sorry that it took me so long to get it through my thick skull.
I finally figured out what this is all about.
You are doing exactly what Bobby Iger does over at Disney.
one day of the year in the Goofy suit.
Because sometimes, you just gotta be at product level
to be able to see the best path forward.
And once I realized that, it was like, ka-pow!
It was so obvious. It's the algorithm.
Pied Piper put middle-out in their vid chat,
and it's amazing now, I know. I'm on it all the time with my grandkids.
We could use middle-out to revamp our entire suite of products.
I'm whipping up some proposals right now
that are gonna knock that wig right off your head.
The point is, Jian-Yang, you don't set pitches.
I handle the scheduling. That's the symbiosis of our relationship.
No. Jian-Yang, PiperChat has some real heat, okay?
but it has to be a carefully choreographed dance.
You can't just wiggle your little tush
and expect every VC in the Valley to get hards-on.
I am your lead investor, you will respect me as such.
You're not any kind of investor. You own nothing.
I own 10 percent. You live in my incubator.
I evict your 10 percent. What are you talking about?
"Santa Clara Sheriff's Department."
To be fair, Jian-Yang, I filed this when I had no expectations
Jian-Yang, just tell me... can you just tell me what the idea is,
so I can gauge how aggressively I should pursue it?
When we split the company into two,
Dinesh and I had a very... Stop, stop. Please stop.
Richard, what're you doing? What? What?
What do you mean? I'm complaining about Dinesh.
Well, your boss is being a real prick.
Richard, we have to bifurcate our relationship.
You and I can no longer discuss business. All right?
We can... We can talk about anything else two guys might talk about.
We can talk about sports teams and their scores, or pussy,
but... but you and I cannot and will not discuss business.
I thought it was super fucked up what Dinesh did.
I know what it's like to be the one guy not in the company.
If you want my log-in, it's all yours.
I shouldn't do this. Dinesh said no.
And also, these are "Skyrim" cheat codes. Oh, shit. Yeah.
I guess the tech gods were just speaking through me.
Somehow, I knew to take the best parts of a service
as substandard and crappy as HooliChat and make it...
Do you think I have too much product in my hair?
Wait. Are you saying that because you think I look ridiculous
and you want me to look more ridiculous next time?
Which answer will get more of that stuff in your hair?
This is where I make Emily Chang laugh.
And not just like a standard clogged toilet.
But enough about the previous leadership,
Have you seen the new Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition?
The cover model has the most lovely, enigmatic facial expression.
Jared, I... I don't really want to talk about guy talk.
I'm here to tell you that I think Dinesh may be in some serious trouble.
Okay, so I was analyzing a bunch of user data,
and I noticed... No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Richard. Richard.
I told you, I can't talk about this. You have to bifurcate.
No, Jared, listen, you're gonna wanna hear this.
Wait. What do you mean you were looking at user data?
You violated our system? Richard, you were inside us?
Don't tell Dinesh, and don't tell any of the other guys, okay?
"Don't tell Dinesh"? Richard, Dinesh is my CEO.
I'm trying to save his ass, okay? I'm trying to save you.
and make sure you ask how old they are.
Okay? And then, that's it. That's it. That's it. No more.
Stupid fucking Jian-Yang and his shitty app.
Hey, you know, I could probably find out about Jian-Yang's app.
He asked if he could practice-pitch it to me.
Wait. This could be great. What time are you guys doing that?
He asked if he could pitch me, and I said sure,
and then he kind of just like kept talking for a while.
You don't think that could've been the pitch, do you?
Wait. I don't know if this would be relevant,
but he did say the word "Oculus" a whole bunch.
That's the frothiest space in the Valley right now.
Nobody understands it, but everybody wants in.
Any idiot can walk into a fucking room,
utter the letters "V" and "R," and VCs will hurl bricks of cash at him.
Then by the time they find out that it's vaporware, it's too late.
Trust me. Just give me five minutes. There he is.
I just completed the detailing on this Kia.
Come on. What the fuck is going on?
Wait. I don't understand. How did Richard have access to our user data?
It was you. You're a fucking rat, Jared.
Richard entered us without consent.
In spite of that, he has raised a real issue here.
Mr. Monahan, good luck with this whole work-release situation,
but I have more important things to do.
It appears that 33 percent of your users are under the age of 13.
no parental permission requirements in place.
You're going to want to sit down for this.
That's the Children's Online Privacy and Protection Act.
This Act establishes strict guidelines
of younger children on the Internet.
You are in gross violation of this act.
You know how kids can't have a YouTube or Facebook account
till they're 13? It's because of this.
Yes, but our users are chatting with each other, Jared,
My shame will linger even after my voting rights are restored.
Now, are there records of these chats on your server?
What... Okay. What's going on? How serious is this?
Fifty-one thousand estimated underage users
times an average 25.6 chat sessions per user
I mean, how is that even fucking possible?
I mean, I knew Dinesh was going to fuck this all up,
but honestly, this couldn't get any better.
Oh, he sort of became ill on himself.
This was your company before it was mine.
Dinesh, I specifically reminded you
to port over the terms of service from the platform.
Right, and I asked if you'd done it, and... and you said you had.
Okay. I checked the TOS box when I submitted to the app store,
but then I didn't end up doing it, all right?
was bog our users down with legal bullshit, you know?
I mean, nobody reads that stuff anyway.
Well, first of all, everyone reads the terms of service,
and secondly, they would've given us legal cover from exactly this.
All right, all right. Don't think about that.
Just think about how to solve this massive, massive problem.
No, no, no. Not when we're this close to signing a term sheet.
And in case all of you gents have forgotten,
I'm on the hook for half a million clambos for this thing.
But we can't stay online! We're just racking up more fines!
Well, technically, this is a corporation.
they'll really only be able to collect what the company's worth,
which at this point, is basically nothing.
Well, when you lied to me about adding terms of service,
your fiduciary duty to the company,
I mean, if the FTC brought us to trial,
I could be compelled to testify against you.
Oh, trust has nothing to do with it,
but thanks for making that official.
I know, in the fable, Pied Piper led all the children
into darkness, but now we're doing it.
I want full surveillance on Jack Barker, 24/7.
I don't recommend using conventional listening devices.
I do have a colleague at Facebook that has
a laser microphone. You can point it
at an office window from a mile away
Hoover, you're the only person I can trust at this goddamn company.
Oh. I don't want to interrupt your talking with Hoover...
and talking and talking about things,
simply stationing myself in the hall outside of his office,
I was able to overhear him speaking
He even referred to you as "Gavin... Smellson."
Good work. Let's go slice this bastard in half, huh?
and it'll just be a case of he said/she said.
That's a good point. Denpok, who was he talking to?
Alas, I could not see this from my hidden vantage point.
I'll check the logs and see who was in his office.
Easy. I'll just pull up his phone records. No.
So what was he doing? Was he video chatting?
Even better. I'll pull up the chat data.
Well, as long as he was on HooliChat,
but the bastard kept grinding in my face how much he loved PiperChat.
What if he was using... PiperChat. Yes.
so vivid and superior to HooliChat.
the identity of the person with whom he was definitely talking.
One time when we were pitching at Ross Loma...
We were pitching and... well, things weren't really going well,
I was getting nervous and... I don't know,
I think I must've eaten something bad that day.
Anyway, my stomach was upside down, so I made a beeline to the stall.
But then I pulled down my pants, sat down...
but instead of shit, I threw up... into my pants.
and in that time I violated the rights
and racked up fines the size of a small nation's GDP.
I found that it was more about choosing
the one wrong answer that you can live with.
He wants to meet me at Josephina's tonight.
Gavin Belson wants to acquire PiperChat.
He made the same call to me back when he wanted
off Dinesh's hands? Where's the fun in that?
More importantly, I could get all my money back, maybe even more.
We could 10X this motherfucker, gents.
Well, I'm sorry to play the Cassandra again,
but Dinesh can't sell Gavin the company.
It's due diligence. Gavin doesn't trust anyone.
When I worked for him, he tried to microchip me.
Before he finalized any acquisition,
his legal team would uncover our malfeasance.
They'd sniff out the user issue immediately.
And they'd probably turn you in, and you do not want that.
I mean, there's also the moral quandary.
could Dinesh really sell the company, knowing it's basically
a Sizzler buffet for the sexually deranged?
Of course he could. Because even if there is a one percent chance of success
and a 99 percent chance of failure and prison,
he will do the right thing and get me my money back.
I'm sorry, Erlich. I've made my decision.
I'm gonna say no to Gavin Belson...
shut it down, and just see what happens.
Listen, Gavin. I've thought about it,
and if this is about you buying PiperChat...
I didn't come here today to buy your company.
and I wanted to know what kind of CEO I'd be dealing with,
so I had my comms people pull your press,
like this interview you did with TechCrunch
where you described PiperChat as, and I quote,
"but without the suck-ass parts," end quote.
Or the one you did with Emily Chang,
where you told her how you took "the best parts of HooliChat"
I was about to throw you a massive acquisition deal,
and then I realized you'd already publicly admitted to stealing my IP.
He works at the car wash down the street.
Look, Gavin, you do not want to do this.
I can't explain exactly why. Shut up.
and I will fuck you in the tech business forever.
I'm taking PiperChat. By 8:00 a.m. tomorrow,
you will hand over to Hooli all your data and systems.
All your users will be converted to HooliChat users.
It will be like PiperChat never existed.
And what you get out of it is the chance to walk away
and try and get another job in this town.
For a 10 percent stake in your current venture,
you will receive full pool privileges,
more room in the crisper, and you may live in my home for...
Jian, I mean, your onerous terms not withstanding,
I'm very excited to be a part of your VR play.
VR, virtual reality. Who's doing VR?
You are. That's what Big Head said.
This play has to do with the Oculus, right?
No. But he said that you said, "Oculus."
He said you kept saying it. "Oculus, Oculus, Oculus."
Just... What does your application have to do with octopus?
Eight different ways to make a Chinese recipe, octopus.
of free rent, full pool privileges,
I went through every chat in his history.
Perhaps it was another chat format.
Could you acquire Skype or FaceTime and check them as well?
I need to talk to you about this PiperChat acquisition.
I put together a panel of the most active users
Bear in mind, this group is representative
to a HooliChat log-in is hella lame?
Stephanie, Quinn, Ingrid, Kaylee...
you said the new sign-in page made you nervous.
♪ Head out the window, fuck your feelings ♪
♪ Nigga imitate 'cause you been on ♪
♪ Middle fingers up, we the realest ♪
♪ Big chief ranks like that nigga ♪
«Пользовательское соглашение» PiperChat is gathering attention from investors and a steady stream of daily active users, while Richard keeps working on his "new internet" project. When he asks Dinesh for access to PiperChat's data repository, Dinesh informs him that he has blocked him out, as well as all former employees, which breaks their verbal agreement. A sympathetic Big Head secretly gives him his login access, and Richard finds out that the main users of PiperChat are children, since the app's terms of service never included a clause that prevented them from using the app and Dinesh never bothered to port Pied Piper's terms of service to PiperChat. This violates the Children's Online Privacy Protection Act and can incur in a potential penalty of $21 billion. Meanwhile Jack Barker has an apparent positive reaction to his demotion to the data center underground, but Gavin Belson thinks he is up to something and seeks to spy on his video chat sessions. Since Barker uses PiperChat, the only way to do this is to acquire the company. Accusing him of stealing Hooli Chat's tech and threatening with a lawsuit, Gavin Belson calls Dinesh to take PiperChat from him, oblivious of its legal problems. Dinesh, who planned to shut down the app all along, happily agrees.
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