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UPDATE: My husband (32M) is insisting that "we" impregnate his friend after finding I (32F) am unable to conceive
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Thank you to everyone who commented on my last post and to those who PM’d me. This is long.
tl;dr : Confronted my husband,got the real story, and now we are going to work on things.
I spoke with my husband on Tuesday after he got home from work and before I had to leave for work. I explained to him that even though I do want kids down the road, I would not be comfortable with his friend being our surrogate and that this would not change for me, ever. All of it made me uncomfortable and honestly made me question his fidelity. He was shocked by this. His exact words were “Are you saying that I cheated on you?”
I laid it out for him, pointing out a lot of things that were pointed out to me from my OP and stated that even if he hadn’t yet physically cheated that he emotionally cheated. He said that he did have an emotional connection with her, but beyond that nothing else. I asked him if they had sex, kissing, anything sexual at all? He was baffled that I would even think this and adamant he did not have any sexual contact with her. He reiterated that he loves me and I am the only one he wants. The whole idea of this was because he wanted to give us a family and help “repair” the loss, this was just a way to do that and he never saw it as cheating because it would be something we would both agree to. I told him that isn't true because he emotionally manipulated me, or tried to, into going along with it. I told him I needed to know what their relationship was like.
He admitted that over the past year, even while I was pregnant, he confided in her about my obvious lack of interest in the pregnancy, my disdain towards motherhood, his fear of me hating our baby, and the issues that persisted in our relationship. Apparently she was shocked that I would feel this way towards a baby, she told him that she has only ever wanted to be a mother. Since then they have only gotten closer, but he denies it has ever gotten physical or that he felt any romantic inclinations towards her. He said that the surrogacy was completely her idea and she has been hinting at it for weeks. Telling him how she would carry our baby for us, how he deserves to be a dad, but he informed her that we did not have any frozen eggs so our options were egg donation or adoption, which we couldn’t afford. No problem, she suggested to use her eggs. Which is how the plan took shape.
He said that they could do artificial insemination but she said she didn’t want medical records of this, and natural insemination would keep costs down. I asked him what the fuck was he thinking talking to her about stuff like this and thinking that this was okay?! He looked like a deer caught in the headlights. I asked him how he would feel if I did this? If he was the infertile one and I had an attractive doctor friend knock me up with no strings attached at HIS suggestion, how would he feel? He had nothing to say to this.
I told him that I felt absolutely betrayed by all of this. Clearly she has some sort of mental health problems and an unhealthy attachment to my husband but beyond that his relationship with her is inappropriate. He said “obviously I shared too much.” No shit.
I told him that I am upset that he “forgave” me for the loss of our baby which I had no control over and that he used that to emotionally manipulate me. He apologized for that, he never meant it to come out like that and in no way blames me. After that everything calmed down but I told him I needed some space from him for a bit.
He asked if our marriage was over? I told him I didn’t think so, but this has been a really emotionally turbulent few days and I need to process it. He told me that he does not want our marriage to be over if this was something I was considering, he loves me more than anything and cannot bear to lose me over this. That losing our baby was devastating and has made him depressed, confused, and angry but he does not want to lose me at all. I told him he should have thought about that before planning to stick his dick in crazy (not my finest moment).
I told him that if he wants to keep open communication, he needs to cut ties with her, obviously he works with her but nothing beyond whatever work contact they have to have, he needs to go to individual counseling and come to at least one counseling session with me per week. Before he left he changed his phone number, blocked her on Facebook and deactivated it. Told me that he would give me access to whatever I wanted to see that the “relationship” is severed and that it was nothing more than what he has told me. His parting words were "I just wanted to build a family with you" which absolutely gutted me.
Wednesday afternoon I checked his email, there wasnothing. Nothing in the deleted bin or recover deleted items bin in Outlook. Facebook was hard to look at, there were a lot of chat messages between the two of them spanning the last eight months when he added her on Facebook. Overall his messages were friendly, a few times he was flirty but never sexual or what I what consider too much for what should be friends, but hers were pretty clear in her meaning. The messages are clear, she's making some kind of play for him. I took screen shots of all the conversations (don't worry I triple checked for any deleted messages, hidden apps, or other messaging services) and re-deactivated his Facebook.
I have his iPad so I was able to look at the iMessages on there, they appear to delete every 30 days which left me with that to look at. Overall all the texts and chats line up with his story, but the whole exchange about the logistics make me sick. She talks about making the baby as though it's a date, that she doesn't want it to be sterile or feel like she's being used. Her comments were inappropriate but he never stopped her or corrected her. She even insulted me several times when he expressed concern about how I would feel, saying things like "she's cold hearted" and "maybe you should just do this on your own so you don't have to worry about her rejecting the baby," he didn't really stand up for me but said that he didn't think I would do that. It was all very hard to read but I feel better about my decision overall.
We didn’t really speak on Wednesday, he checked in a few times but I let him know that we would talk Thursday. Thursday morning he let me know that he turned in his letter of resignation Wednesday morning. He hasn’t heard from her but doesn’t intend to seek her out to say goodbye either. He apologized, he just thought he was doing the right thing and thought this would make me happy. I still feel extremely betrayed, he is still dealing with the loss and other things. We both agreed that our communication has really deteriorated in the past year and that we need to fix this. So, no lawyer, no gym, just therapy for us.
Also, the whole "not wanting to keep records" and wanting a "natural" way to do it...just screams sketchy. This woman was obviously not doing this out of the kindness of her heart. Of course, not of all the blame lays on her, but at least the husband is trying to do the right thing. I admire OP for how level headed and rational she was during this mindfuck. I'm rooting for you OP.
The entire time I was reading this, I kept thinking the woman wanted to get knocked up, refuse to give it up, talk OP's hubby into divorcing her, and playing house with him with their own family.
This was my suspicion from the beginning. She was using OP's infertility as a tool to try to steal her husband away. She wanted to get pregnant with his child and use the child to destroy the marriage. This is sickening.
If he knocked her up, you can bet that OP and the husband gain a stalker and not a child. She doesn't want any 'records' and would in no way legally have to give up her child. OP's husband would have a baby mama asking for his money and his attention for the next 18 years and OP and his relationship would be pver.
Yeah, most surrogacy contracts are not upheld and this lady probably knows that. Once she's pregnant, she wouldn't have given it up.
She obviously intended to show the husband how a "real mother" would carry and care for a child, which would lead him to leave op and have a family with her. How the husband didn't notice this is beyond me; infact I'm sure he noticed, and entertained it to deal with grief.
She talks about making the baby as though it's a date, that she doesn't want it to be sterile or feel like she's being used.
This is so disturbing! So her consolation "prize" is a hot fuck essentially. She shot down artificial insemination because she doesn't get to sleep with your husband and get an orgasm out of it..
He said that they could do artificial insemination but she said she didn’t want medical records of this , and natural insemination would keep costs down
Why not have medical records of it? Sounds like she wanted leverage and the option to keep the baby/claim she wasn't an intended surrogate mother.
Using a turkey baster to conceive works and also keeps the cost down.. This woman is so full of bullshit. She was likely planned to use the gestation time to "win" your husband over as the mother of his child and hoping he'd leave you.
It's sad your husband wanted to go along with her wacky plans and didn't see her true motivations under the surface. The miscarriage has left you both vulnerable and with therapy you definitely have a chance at undoing the damage to your relationship.
If you think about the logistics, it'd take way more than one hot fuck especially if she was being deceptive. Imagine if she was on birth control and kept stringing OP's husband along.
She was likely planned to use the gestation time to "win" your husband over as the mother of his child and hoping he'd leave you.
Oh, completely. What with her 'I've always wanted to be a mother' and digs at OP being cold-hearted, 'Maybe you should leave your wife and just do this on your own', 'I don't want this to be sterile', and so on...
Yeah, she was in it for the long con.
I think he talked about it with his brother who was probably like "bro this is absolutely the worst idea you have ever had and she is probably going to drop some divorce documents on you immediately" because when we did talk he mentioned that he thought about this a lot and realized how awful it all sounded after he left. When we spoke Thursday (and in the days since) he seems more aware of how bad this was on his side.
I still don't think he understands exactly how bad he messed up
I am legitimately blown away that any human being on earth could be THIS mind-blowingly stupid. I just cannot believe it.
"But honey! Why would it even bother you that I blame you for a stillbirth, have an emotional affair with a coworker, then essentially demand you accept that I will literally fuck this random coworker repeatedly until she gets pregnant then make you give up your career to raise this baby I made by FUCKING the woman I've been having an emotional affair with whose existence you don't even know about? Sweetie, I'm just so baffled that ANY of this would upset you in ANY way!"
Seriously, is this guy fucking utterly brainless???? I have never been so frustrated by a post here! WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS FUCKING IDIOT?!
Me either... I can't believe a grown adult would be this naive.
I hope he realizes how fucked up this is, how much he betrayed the OP.
I told him he should have thought about that before planning to stick his dick in crazy (not my finest moment).
Seems like overall things are looking up. Everyone ripped him in the last post, but in my estimation he wouldn't change his phone, shut down his facebook, and do the rest without being serious about making this work. And if he did something inappropriate, there would have probably been more evidence in the messages/email.
I am a Redditor, I don't know if I would have made it through residency without Reddit.
And they are. I am cautiously optimistic throughout all of this, I'm not under any illusions that this is going to be easy or work out picture perfect but we both are willing to do whatever needs to be done and everything is laid out now.
What I am astounded by is that it seems he genuinely thought this was the best course of action. Like, after all the time you have been together and all the expectations you have of each other, he still believed that impregnating a coworker who at best has a crush on him, and at worst has some mental issues, was the best course of action. You were absolutely right to ask him to go to individual therapy because something about his thinking process is seriously off. Best of luck to you OP, you're caught in a crazy ass situation.
Thank god for this comment. I had to scroll way too far for this. I can't believe all these comments about how he's just hurting and poor dude and whatever. I'm like WHAT?! He's gotta be the stupidest person alive!
That's one possibility. Another is that she wanted to poison OP & OP's husband's relationship and try to snatch the husband for herself.
Imagine if they 'did the plan' behind your back.. Then you'd have definitely broke it off and little Miss Homewrecker has a ready made family.
Be sure to point this out to him BTW.
He just can't possibly be this stupid. An educated, gainfully employed married man in his 30s is just not this stupid. It can't be possible.
OP, he seems committed to fixing this. Great job by you. Good luck with everything. :)
OP, I'm so glad he realized the error of his ways regarding this woman and he's doing very concrete things to make this right, but it feels like the bottom line was that he pushed you into having children before you were ready. Is that from severe baby-fever or self-absorption?
I guess I'm wondering if his basically ignoring your career dreams/reproductive timetable, blaming your miscarriage on your attitude and then ignoring this woman's obvious scheming have a common root that he needs to work on in therapy.
The first time? I think he had baby fever, his two closest friends just became dads and I theorize that he felt le
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