Show Me Big Cocks

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Show Me Big Cocks
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Andrew Daniels
Andrew Daniels is the Senior Editor for Popular Mechanics.


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Believe it or not, there are downsides to packing a python.
There was Willie Jordan, flanked by a dozen friends and a few curious strangers in the back corner of a dimly lit pub.
“Get it out, get it out!” the rowdy spectators screamed. “Not here, not tonight,” Jordan answered. He liked this bar, and he didn’t want to get banned for performing his party trick.
Nonsense, they said, as they formed an ironclad circle around Jordan to protect him. He had found himself in this situation so many times before, and he knew when it was time to admit defeat.
So Jordan took a breath, carefully unbuttoned his pants, and pulled out his penis.
The audience erupted, delighted to catch a front-row glimpse of the biggest penis in Newcastle. It was a legendary penis in the North East England town, and its owner had become a quasi-celebrity because of it.
In his 20s, Jordan ate up the attention, showing off his super-sized schlong to whoever wanted to see it—and as rumors spread, his crowds ballooned.
“I understand human curiosity,” he says. “If I had a friend who had six or seven fingers on each hand, or two heads, I’d be curious to see them, too.”
But Jordan was now pushing 40, and the novelty of being a carnival attraction had long worn off. Desperate to get on with the night, he instinctively swung his big penis around like a piece of rope—the usual act—and stuffed it back into his briefs. The show was over.
Or so he thought. One inebriated fan—the same man who had repeatedly asked Jordan to sleep with his girlfriend that evening—demanded an encore, asking the performer to “just let it hang.” Fine, Jordan thought. Whatever will shut him up.
But as soon as he brought his prized possession back out, the groupie grabbed it. “He literally tried to pull it off my body,” says Jordan. “Maybe he was on drugs, trying to drag a man’s penis off like that.”
Jordan fell down and sprinted home. Within 10 minutes, his whole shaft—base to tip—was black and bruised, as if it had been through battle.
Flabbergasted, Jordan flocked to Facebook to post about his crazy encounter. Ten thousand miles across the Atlantic, his friend Jonah Falcon —himself the owner of an abnormally big penis, reportedly the biggest in the world—was the first to comment.
“You’re not trying to catch up to me, are you?”
Sometimes you’re left scrambling for the bar exit after a drunken stranger has seized your dick, and other times, you rupture a cyst on your girlfriend’s ovary during intercourse. That’s what happened to Todd—who requested anonymity for this story—back in high school, the first of many sexual mishaps caused by his big penis.
“She was doubled over in pain after we finished,” says Todd, 36. “Looking back, I don’t know how we avoided the emergency room.”
The repercussions of packing a python aren’t always so severe, but they’re endless. “When I tell people that, they kind of laugh,” Jordan says, “as if I don’t have a right to say it.”
You might roll your eyes, too, but Jordan, Falcon, and Todd do have “problematically large” penises, according to Brian Steixner, M.D., Medical Director of Urology at Barton Health . Per data in the Journal of Sexual Medicine , the average flaccid penis is somewhere between 3.5 to 4 inches, while the average erection falls in the 4.5- to 6.5-inch range.
“From what I can determine, if your penis is larger than 8 inches in length when erect, it puts you in the top 2 percent of people in the world,” Dr. Steixner says.
"In my 20s, I was like a kid in a candy store."
Todd measures 10 inches erect, Jordan one-ups him by about an inch, and Falcon boasts a whopping 13.5 inches at full mast. The 44-year-old New Yorker doesn’t officially own the world record, but that’s because there isn’t one.
Falcon’s big penis has been documented on HBO, in Rolling Stone , and on The Howard Stern Show , and he has pledged to donate his massive member to the Icelandic Phallological Museum when he dies.
Being famous for having a big penis sounds pretty great, and to be fair, all of the guys we interviewed for this story have used their good fortune to their sexual advantage. Falcon, for example, became a fixture in the horny NYC underground club scene thanks to his hog.
“If a guy could have sex with almost anyone he wanted to,” Falcon says, “he most certainly would. In my 20s, I was like a kid in a candy store.”
But eventually, the burdens start to overshadow the blessing.
“When guys tell me they wish they had my penis, they look up to me from a sexual, alpha-male point of view,” says Jordan. “But what percentage of your life do you spend actually using your penis for sex? Compare that number to how much you have to carry the burdens of it around, and the sexual ratio is quite the minority.”
Take something as simple as riding a bike. “It’s a nightmare,” Jordan says. “Where do I put my penis when I’m on a bike seat? I have to keep my legs closed, but they’re constantly rubbing. I end up just sitting on the thing. If I want to go for a nice ride in the country, the pain distracts from the euphoria of the journey itself.”
Using the restroom is an equally dicey proposition. “In a public urinal, if I’m not careful, my penis will hang down and touch the edge of the urinal—or the water,” Todd says. “Unfortunately, I’m a germaphobe.” (To avoid the same issue, Falcon has resigned to a life of peeing sitting down.)
Then there’s the condom conundrum. “I use the largest size possible—around 7.5 inches—and it only covers half my cock,” says Falcon.
When you constantly have to keep one hand on your rubber to make sure it doesn’t slip off during sex, as Todd does, it sucks some fun out of the process. “Even then, a lot of times the condoms end up either breaking or slipping inside of her when it’s all said and done,” he says.
As for other roadblocks in the bedroom, oral sex is often a nuisance. “My penis is thicker than my wrist, so girls have to adjust to the girth,” Falcon says. “But I’ve met very few people who can handle the width—and as a result, there’s a lot of teeth scraping. So I don’t really get off on getting sucked.”
Sometimes the trickiest part of sex is addressing the elephant in the room.
“Telling a woman about your penis size is just awkward in itself,” says Jordan. “A girl doesn’t want to feel like she has to have sex any differently with you. She wants to go with the flow, and not have to stop and slow things down if she’s in pain.”
For Jordan, the threat of these clumsy conversations looms heavy in his head. “It’s a shame when you’ve got a really intimate mental connection with someone and you feel like, ‘Do I want to tell this person, or just let it happen? It’s gotten to the point now where I avoid it.”
Recently, Jordan has instituted a 3-month, no-sex rule. “I’ll tell girls that I want to wait quite a few months before we do it.” His mission: to weed out the women who are interested in him primarily for his penis.
“I feel like I’ve been used for my penis in the past,” he says, “and now I just want to find my soul mate. I want a chick who wants to be with me for the right reasons.”
While Jordan is looking for love, the newly unemployed Falcon is looking for work—but his manhood is getting in the way.
Falcon is a budding actor who wades through desk jobs to pay the bills. He isn’t optimistic about his current search.
“Notoriety has robbed me of work,” he says. “When employers do a background check on me, they see that I’m famous for having a huge penis—and for whatever reason, that means I can’t do the job.”
Such discrimination shouldn’t happen, says Falcon, but it does. “I don’t get hired for one of two reasons: Either people are going to find out about my penis and hound me at work, or I’m going to walk around wearing bike shorts and hit on all the women there. But no one ever tells me that stuff when they don’t hire me, because then I could sue them.”
"I'm an actor, and I want to do real stuff. If I do porn, that's the end."
You’re probably thinking that an actor with a boner the size of a wine bottle could easily make a killing doing porn. Falcon has certainly been approached by producers, but he has rebuffed their offers every time.
“I’m an actor, and I want to do real stuff,” he insists. “If I do porn, that’s the end. I’ll never get another job besides porn . And men are just dildos as far as porn companies are concerned. How many rich male porn stars do you know aside from Ron Jeremy?”
Falcon’s job stress comes with side effects. “I’m always looking for steady work, so I don’t have the energy to find someone to be with,” he says.
“And when you’re constantly concerned about finding money and not being homeless, that tends to make you stressed out all the time. I’m not able to get it up for anybody.”
Many of Falcon’s life problems seem to trace back to those 13.5 inches. Which ultimately begs the question: Does he wish he was smaller?
“No,” he answers emphatically. “Would things be different if I had a 4-inch cock? I think so. I’d probably get more work, and I think I would’ve accomplished a lot more with my life. But I don’t like to be anything other than me.”
Todd, despite a long sexual history of “inserting my penis and feeling like I just killed somebody,” wouldn’t shrink down either.
“When I’m with a girl and pull down my pants, and then I see the look on her face, it’s a huge confidence builder in every regard,” says Todd.
And what about Jordan, the poor victim of an unfortunate sneak penis attack?
“If I had a graph that showed how many people on Earth would give anything to have my penis, for that reason alone, I should appreciate everything I have,” he says.
Call it pecker perspective. “It comes back to human nature. We have this great ability to adapt to our surroundings. Riding a bike is uncomfortable as hell, but I found the way to ride differently than anybody else. I’ve adapted.”
Including one big tweak to his behavior at the bar.
“Now I don’t pull out my penis for a crowd anymore.”

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Omg, is that a corn dog or are you actually happy to see me?
"Husband ordered 'bangers and mash' while out with friends and this came out. Inappropriate giggling ensued." — heatherf4f4348e91
"Overcooked corn dog. Left it in the oven for over 40 minutes and the weird thing is—it didn't get burnt." — pahz
"I've been saving this Dove can of deodorant just for this occasion!" — amyorainbow
"My mom found this growing in my grandpa’s garden." — lisat496784479
"Felt unsure if this was OK to peel." — emilys42ee98e27
"At a Friendsgiving dinner, the top of the cheesecake cracked into this." — bee17
"This was at a youth fair. In the kid's defense, they probably didn’t know what they were doing, but did their parent not feel the need to change the 'design?!'" — kristens4a36014f3
"I was at the church...like OH MY GOD." — ilincadascalu2004
"Take a look at a map of Dallas on Google maps." — allena49bf3c4ef
"Coral growing at 'The Living Seas,' Epcot." — whatthe3825
"This guy's beard is just very awkward?" — lindvang
"My job's Christmas cards, lol, nice set of balls and a dick." — taylorodom94
"A little dab of primer, right color and everything, haha." — gracem47b92a018
"My co-worker had this piece of deli turkey on her sandwich." — beckbot
"I used to be a vet tech. One day I had to take X-rays on a cat. Pretty run of the mill stuff, until I pulled the X-ray up on the monitor. I immediately took a picture and sent it to my best friend (also a tech) and asked her what she saw on the X-ray. She immediately responded 'a penis.' That’s my girl!" — nastycat75
"Got a box of Timbits from Tim Hortons. This was inside. This can’t be an accident, can it?" — annag48c17ff35
"On a Pizza Lunchables in 2009! I took these to school with me!" — allysonf4aa6c8683
"[I saw this at] Gardens By The Bay in Singapore. I don't know why I still have this, but I'm glad I do." — tessal4bce28c09
"This folder Spider-Man shirt confused me at first." — heidih4360dcf0a
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"It was so big that when he thrust into my mouth I threw up everywhere."
"I was on Tinder a few years back and met a guy to hook up with. It had been four years since I had any kind of sex, and I was itching to break my dry spell. Long story short, this guy had a nine-inch penis and was into deep-throating. At one point, he thrust so hard that I threw up everywhere . I was so embarrassed, and then the dog started eating it???"
"I'm gay and 99% a top. For some reason, I reallllly wanted to bottom one day, so I texted my friend with benefits (we had only ever blown each other before this) and invited him over. He had at least a nine-inch and thick dick. He shoved it in me, and it tore my ass a little . I'd never screamed and jumped up so fast in my life. It took a year to completely heal. Ouch!"
"I met a hot guy at a bar and decided to go back to his hotel. I could tell in the bar he had a big dick from the way he was filling out his pants. I'm mostly a top, but sometimes it feels good to get fucked by a huge cock. He took his pants off, and there were at least four inches of dick hanging out from the bottom of his boxers. I laughed a little and said, 'What are you going to do with that?' He responded, 'I'm going to fuck you.' We tried. He got the head in, which was the size of an apple, and then we had to stop . His whole penis was at least a foot long. It was fun to play with and suck on, but I couldn't get much further than that."
"One time I was giving my boyfriend a blowjob. He's quite big and girthy (he's 6'7", for reference), so my jaw was hurting. I occasionally get lockjaw, but for some reason I kept going. That was a big mistake. It got to the point where I couldn't open my mouth wide enough to get his dick out , so I had to pry my mouth open with my fingers. Now any time I give him oral, I make sure to use my tongue while giving my jaw a rest."
"I'm pretty well-endowed. I've had a few guys throw up on me while trying to give me head, and more than a handful have refused sex after seeing me fully erect. However, my worst experience happened because of the length and my Prince Albert piercing. Somehow, as I was getting undressed, my penis swung to the side and my piercing hooked on a belt loop . I didn't notice and gave my pants a yank. I dropped to my knees and screamed like a baby."
"My ex's dick was like a baseball bat in length, girth, and shape. It was AT LEAST 10 inches. It had a larger head than shaft, so it felt amaaaazing when he took his time and pulled all the way out and back in. But, heaven help me, when he got to pounding away, I could feel my cervix wincing ."
"The first guy I ever gave a blowjob to was huge, both in length and in girth. I had braces at the time and was hesitant, but he assured me it would be OK. We took it slowly, but he ended up with two bloody lines down his penis where some inside wires were protruding . To this day, I still wonder if he has the scars."
"I was watching anime with a friend in his dorm. One thing led to another, and his pants came off. His penis was HUGE. I remember gaping at it for a good 30 seconds before remembering that I was supposed to be doing something with it. After nearly vomiting twice from trying to deep-throat it, and after getting my face fucked until I could barely breathe, he finally came. When he offered to return the favor, I turned him down and went back to my room. My jaw and throat hurt for the next week after that, and it hurt to swallow anything for days . That was my first and last experience with a dick...and how I discovered I'm a lesbian."
"I was seeing a guy whose penis was nine inches long. He was really into having fast and hard sex. Things got a little too intense one time, and he literally bruised my cervix. It hurt to sit or pee or bend over for almost two weeks! "
"I used to have a friends with benefits situation with a guy whose dick was — I shit you not — like a fucking can of Monster energy drink. I'm talking so long and girthy. The first time I saw it, I honest-to-god gasped out loud. To this day, the best sex I've ever had was with him. Sex with him had me feeling so full, and it rode that fine and sweet line between pleasure and pain . Now I shed a tear for that glorious dick that I lost when he moved across the country."
"One time, I had to catheterize a man who was so well-endowed that his flaccid penis was barely long enough for the catheter to reach his bladder . It's a 12-inch catheter, and he was soft..."
"I was really horny, so I drove 45 minutes to my ex's house to have sex. The next morning, I realized I never took out my tampon. His penis was so big that it pushed the tampon up too far, and I couldn't get it out . After 30 minutes, I gave up and called the guy, asking for a favor. I went to his office, locked the door, pulled out some medical gloves and a towel, and I spread my legs on his desk so he could pull out the tampon. He fished around for 15 minutes and finally got it out."
"I was grabbing drinks with my best mate. We had to use the restroom around the same time, and we were right next to each other at the urinals. Long story short, it was impossible to not see his penis when he pulled it out. It was big enough that he had to use two hands to pee . I wasn't even jealous at that point...just afraid lol."
"I went on a few dates with a guy in college. We knew that neither of us liked to bottom, so I proposed a bet of whoever had the bigger penis got to top. I was obviously pretty cocky and sure that I would win. I was speechless when he pulled out a throbbing Pringles can . Never one to back out of a bet, I powered through. I was late to class the next day because it took me an extra long time to walk up the stairs."
"A few years back, one guy told me his dick was 'the size of a keyboard.' When we got to his bedroom and he pulled it out, my first thought was, 'Oh my god...It really is the size of a child's toy keyboard.' I was ready to take on the challenge but quickly realized it was too big for me.
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