Should Teens Be Protected

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From the moment our children are born, we want to protect them. The drive to keep them safe is ingrained in our parental DNA. Many parents say that they can more easily handle personal challenges than bear watching their child in pain. We do new things in the name of protection for our children.
Having a child sometimes feels like having your heart on the outside of your body.
Our children are born helpless. As they grow, their survival depends on us less and less. They learn to stand on wobbly legs and what seems like moments later, we are chasing after them. One day they are babbling and in no time they are ordering us around. With each new talent mastered, they move closer to being able to survive without us.
In adolescence, the pace of development once again quickens. We worry about all of the new things they are exposed to. Sometimes we fear for their safety. Our teens surviving must not be our only goal. We want so much more — we want them to get the most out of development so they will thrive in adulthood.
In some ways, adolescents need us as much as they ever did. But their needs are more complex than earlier. We must guide them to navigate an increasingly complicated world.
In some ways, adolescents need us as much as they ever did. But their needs are more complex than earlier. We must guide them to navigate an increasingly complicated world.
One of the greatest challenges of parenting is figuring out how best to protect our children — now and far into the future. If we thought only of the now, perhaps the best strategy would be to fight like a mama or papa bear and pounce every time danger approached. Or we would hover close by to assure our children never stray too far.
But hovering and pouncing push them away from us. We may create insecurity within them. We can unintentionally send the message, “I don’t think you’re capable of handling this on your own.” That message suggests, “I worry about your becoming increasingly independent.”
Because the fundamental question of adolescence is “Who am I?”, anything we do that stifles our adolescents’ self-discovery can backfire. When we shut them down as they push and test limits, it can unintentionally force them to push us away.
We must think beyond the present, we have to prepare our children for the journey they will navigate without us. They must learn to make their own decisions and choose their own safe and moral paths. One of the hardest questions of parenting is, “How do we protect our children while also letting them learn from life’s lessons?” A starting point is to have boundaries in place that assures they stay within safe and moral boundaries.
We know that it is life’s lessons that prepare young people to take on the world independently. But these lessons have their greatest effect when we guide our children to live up to their very best selves and to avoid danger in the first place. When we let them approach new experiences already equipped with existing skill-sets ready to be sharpened and values readied to be honed. Finally, we must be prepared to underscore and reinforce the lessons calmly and respectfully without “I told you so!” judgment.
Our ultimate goal is to have children who are interdependent with us — mutually reliant as they become adults with families of their own. Interdependence is fostered by our adolescents understanding that we honor and prioritize their growing independence. That we see them as capable of standing on their own. That we will protect them, but not overprotect them. You know those times when we hit the “control button” on issues that cause us to jump with alarm but make our teens feel like we’re trying to control them? When we don’t overprotect, our children will choose to come to us for advice.
So how do we really protect our children? By building their capabilities. By preparing them to navigate the world. By assuring they have the skill-sets to manage social challenges and academic settings.
Preparing Teens Now to Protect Them Later
The best protection for young people is to prepare them to navigate the world successfully. Learn how to prepare your teens.
Help teens learn to stand back up after falling down.
But watch closely from the sidelines. Jump in when necessary if danger or morality is at stake.
Build social and organizational skills that enable teens to first impress, and then work with people. Support them to navigate the peer world. Teach them the tricks of efficiency that will help them in school today, and work tomorrow.
Trust them to navigate choppy waters but be the spotlight to guide them to the shore safely. Balance warmth and love with rules and expectations. Doing so leads to young people prepared to thrive.
Preparation is the very best protection for our children. They appreciate our guidance on how to manage the world. They learn to trust themselves because we trust them. We trust them because we have prepared them. They see themselves as capable because we ensured they possess the skills to manage their own lives.
So how do you protect your children while also letting them learn from life’s lessons? Be lighthouse parents. Stable forces on the shoreline from which children can measure themselves against. Look down at the rocks to be certain they will not crash against them. Look into the waves and trust in their ability to learn to ride them. And, prepare them to do so.
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Ken Ginsburg, MD, MSEd, is Founding Director of CPTC and Professor of Pediatrics at Children's Hospital of Philadelphia. He travels the world speaking to parent, professional, and youth audiences and is the author of 5 award-winning parenting books including a multimedia professional toolkit on “Reaching Teens.” CPTC follows his strength-based philosophy and resilience-building model. For more on Dr. Ginsburg visit www.fosteringresilience.com.
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Protecting Teens: Preparation is Protection
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Why Teens Need Privacy From Their Parents
Verywell Family's content is for informational and educational purposes only. Our website is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment.
Ⓒ 2021 About, Inc. (Dotdash) — All rights reserved
Denise Witmer is a freelance writer and mother of three children, who has authored several books and countless articles on parenting teens since 1997.
Reviewed by Amy Morin, LCSW on October 23, 2019
Amy Morin, LCSW, is the Editor-in-Chief of Verywell Mind. She's also a psychotherapist, international bestselling author and host of the The Verywell Mind Podcast.
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The desire for more privacy is a natural part of growing up. As teens get older, they begin facing big challenges, like learning what kind of person they are, where they fit in, and what they want to do in life.
Their brains also are rapidly developing; they are gaining new thinking skills and developing new social interests.1 As a result, it is only natural that they would crave more privacy and space as they work these things out.
For parents, this time period can be a huge adjustment as well. After all, there are so many unknowns with your teen that it can be unsettling at times; but it is important to recognize that wanting more privacy does not necessarily mean your child has something to hide.
Being more protective of information about themselves goes hand in hand with the development of independence and autonomy.2 Only when there is extreme secrecy should this be considered a potential red flag.
By understanding the relationship between privacy and trust, why you should usually respect your teen's privacy, and when it is appropriate to snoop, you will be able to raise a healthy, trustworthy, and independent teen.
As teens grow up, they want to be trusted to do more things than they did were when they were younger. They also want to be thought of as mature, responsible, and independent. Giving teens some space and privacy can work wonders for their development.3 Not only do they feel trusted, but they also feel capable and confident.
Remember, too, that teens also endure physical changes that make privacy at this age imperative.4 A child who always felt comfortable changing clothes in front of their parent may no longer want to disrobe with them in the room. They also may lock their bedroom door or the bathroom door to ensure that their privacy is respected. This is a normal part of growing up and not a reason for concern.
Teens may also feel more comfortable asking questions or confiding in a same-sex parent about certain issues. This is especially true if they need guidance about romantic relationships or the physiological changes they're experiencing.
When teens are given the privacy they need, it helps them become more independent and builds their self-confidence. As their parent, strive to strike a balance between knowing what your teen is doing, trusting your teen to have some private matters, and knowing when to step in.5 Overall, just trust your instincts.
If you and your teen are battling over their need for privacy, there are probably trust issues at the root.
When teens believe their parents have invaded their privacy, the result is often more conflicts at home.6 Teens either feel like their parents don't trust them or that they expect teens to behave like school-age children.
If this is your experience, take a step back and determine where you can give your teen more space and privacy without compromising their need for safety and guidance from you. If you suspect that your teen is hiding something, you may need to investigate.5
While it is important to give teens the space that they crave, keep in mind that teens are not always ready to deal with the adult world alone. They still need you. It is not uncommon for teens to make quick decisions; and they do not always think through the consequences of their choices.
As a result, teens still need your advice and support. They also need to be in regular contact with you and communicating on a regular basis. Giving them privacy is not the same as giving them free rein, which almost always results in problems down the road. Consequently, you must find a way to balance their need for privacy and your need to ensure their safety and security.7
One way to determine where those boundaries exist is to ask yourself what you really need to know and what you do not need to know. For instance, you need to know where your teen is going, who they are going to be with, and when they will be home.
But you do not need to know what they discussed with their friends. Of course, some teens are willing to share this information, but if your teen is not willing to share much about their night, don't be too alarmed and don't demand it. The key is knowing what you absolutely have to know as a parent and the things you can allow your teen to keep private.8
Other ways you can give your teen privacy include:
Of course, the best way to determine how much privacy and freedom your teen is ready for is to gauge how responsible they are with their obligations. In other words, do they get to school on time, do their homework, respect their curfew, and complete their chores? If they are able to complete these things without a lot of nagging from you, you can probably loosen the reins a little bit.
Overall, there should be a direct link between the amount of responsibility and honesty that kids have shown and the amount of privacy they are allowed to have. And, if your teen messes up or violates your trust, allowing them a little less privacy for a period of time is a logical consequence.10
A teen's need for privacy on social media is similar to their need for privacy IRL. As a parent, it is your responsibility to mentor and guide them to make sure they know what behavior is safe and appropriate. You should also role-model appropriate social media use by not posting photos and information about your teen on your own feeds without their permission.11
When it comes to their social media use, teens need to earn your trust just like other privileges. But once they have earned that trust, it's fair to give them their privacy so they can continue to mature and become more independent.
There are times when it may be appropriate to snoop on your teen. For instance, if you overhear them talking about dating violence, see them crying over an Instagram post, or you find a JUUL in their pocket while doing laundry, it is time to pry a little bit. Your job as a parent is to keep your kids safe. These types of things are red flags that something harmful is happening in their lives.12
Nevertheless, parents should not spy on their kids or snoop through their phone in order to find out about minor situations like a fight with a friend.13 Instead, reserve your checking in for times when your teen's behavior has changed dramatically.
For instance, if you notice signs of depression, issues with sleep, or unexplained marks or bruises on their body, it is time to take action. Other red flags include losing interest in hobbies, becoming withdrawn, stopping socializing, or showing signs of drug or alcohol use.14
That said, snooping shouldn't be your first move in these circumstances. First, try to communicate with your teen about the changes you are seeing. Ask why they no longer want to play on the basketball team or hang out with their best childhood friend. Then, listen to what your child says. 
If all you get in response is a shrug or "I don't know," consider having your child talk to a counselor. Meanwhile, if your teen mentions suicide, wanting to die, or that life is just not worth it, forget snooping and seek medical help right away.15
If your teen is having suicidal thoughts, contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 for support and assistance from a trained counselor. If you or a loved one are in immediate danger, call 911.
Too little monitoring can leave teens without the help and support they need to make safe decisions about their life and their relationships. But hovering over them and demanding too many details can send the that you don't trust them.
The goal is to parent teens in a trusting environment where they get the support and advice they need to learn how to make good decisions and responsible choices, as well as the space and privacy they need to build confidence and independence.
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Verywell Family uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read our editorial process to learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.
Arain M, Haque M, Johal L, et al. Maturation of the adolescent brain. Neuropsychiatr Dis Treat. 2013;9:449-61. doi:10.2147/NDT.S39776
Oudekerk BA, Allen JP, Hessel ET, Molloy LE. The cascading development of autonomy and relatedness from adolescence to adulthood. Child Dev. 2015;86(2):472-85. doi:10.1111/cdev.12313
Pérez-fuentes MDC, Molero jurado MDM, Gázquez linares JJ, Oropesa ruiz NF, Simón márquez MDM, Saracostti M. Parenting Practices, Life Satisfaction, and the Role of Self-Esteem in Adolescents. Int J Environ Res Public Health. 2019;16(20). doi:10.3390/ijerph16204045
American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry. Adolescent Development Part 1. December 2015.
Damour L. The New York Times. Is Snooping on Teenagers Ever O.K.?. April 6, 2017.
Williams A. The Center for Parenting Education. Teens and Privacy: Balance is Key.
Britto MT, Tivorsak TL, Slap GB. Adolescents' needs for health care privacy. Pediatrics. 2010;126(6):e1469-76. doi:10.1542/peds.2010-0389
Winfield N. The New York Times. Should You Spy on Your Kids?. November 9, 2016.
New York State Department of Health. Suicide Prevention, Children Ages 10 to 19 Years. Updated February 2018.
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Verywell Family's content is for informational and educational purposes only. Our website is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment.
Ⓒ 2021 About, Inc. (Dotdash) — All rights reserved
Verywell Family is part of the Dotdash publishing family.

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